He knows Julia doesn’t trust him completely and he wanted to talk to her about it tonight, but now that’ll have to wait. He doesn’t mind driving to New York tomorrow, what upsets him is she didn’t want to see him tonight, after two weeks apart. Why didn’t she ask me to drive up tonight? He loves her and not knowing how she feels is eating away at him.
The Sox are playing the Yankees, so he goes up to the den and pours himself a drink, the first of many. A few hours and a half bottle later, the doorbell rings and his heart leaps in his chest. Julia changed her mind and took the train after all!
He runs down the stairs, flings the door open and finds Avery standing on his steps with a big grin. He hasn’t spoken to her since January when he told her to stay away. After what she did to Julia it was easier to do than he thought it’d be.
“Avery. You need to go.” His speech is slurred and he tries to close the door, but she slips in and walks into the front foyer.
“Will, are you drunk?”
“Avery you have to go. Now.”
“Let me help you.” She puts her arm around his waist and walks him into the living room. “What are you drinking?”
Will wakes up with a splitting headache, his vision blurred and his mouth bone dry. He reaches for the water bottle he usually keeps on his nightstand, but it’s not there. Shit. I shouldn’t have had that much to drink.
It’s still dark out but the glow of the streetlight outside his window is making his head pound. He grabs his pillow and pulls it over his head, groaning, then turns onto his side and feels someone beside him.
Julia!
He wraps his arm around her and nuzzles her neck, then freezes. This isn’t Julia. He turns on the light and his stomach lurches. What did I do?
Avery is asleep beside him, naked. And so am I. His head is spinning and he runs to the bathroom and vomits. What happened last night? He vaguely remembers the doorbell, and telling Avery to leave… and that’s it. He has no memory of the rest of the night.
He sits on the cold tile, his head resting on the porcelain seat. What am I going to do?
As the sun comes up, Will walks into his bedroom, pulls on his boxers and stares at Avery, his eyes filling with tears. This is it. Julia will never forgive him. He’ll never forgive himself.
“Avery,” he shakes her, “Avery!”
She turns onto her back, stretches and smiles.
“Well good morning…” she reaches up to kiss him and he turns away.
“Avery, stop it.”
“Will, what’s wrong?” She looks wounded by his words.
“I want you to leave.” He rests his head in his hands. “Please,” he whispers.
“You didn’t want me to leave last night.” She runs her hand along his back and kisses his shoulder. He flinches, pushing her away.
“I don’t know how this happened…”
“Oh, Will,” Avery bursts into tears. “You said you wanted me. Last night you begged me to stay.”
“I don’t remember anything.”
“I never would’ve stayed if I thought you’d regret it,” Avery sobs.
“I’m sorry but I need you to go. I have a lot to think about.”
“I’ll go,” Avery wipes away her tears and scoots off his bed. “But please call me. I’m so confused.”
He nods his head. Anything to get her to leave.
Once she’s gone, Will stands over his bed, and stares at the imprint of Avery’s head on Julia’s pillow. Filled with anger, he pounds his fist into the pillow, then strips the bed and throws the sheets in the garbage.
He turns on the shower, and makes sure the water’s scalding hot before he steps in, then takes a facecloth and scrubs his skin, trying to wash his sin away. It’s hopeless, he slides to the bottom of the tub, holds his head in his hands and cries.
He’s supposed to drive to New York this morning but he can’t do it. If he goes to see Julia, it’s over. Today. But if he stays home, he can pretend they’re together for another week.
Around noon, he crawls under his comforter, picks up the phone and calls Julia, his heart heavy.
“Hey! Where are you? I thought you’d be here by now!” her voice is cheerful, affectionate. He swallows hard, holding back his tears.
“I’m sorry, Jules. I’m sick. A stomach thing. I can’t drive.”
“Oh, no! I’ll get on the next train and come take care of you. Bring you some chicken soup and a lot of TLC.”
“No, sweetie, I don’t want you to catch this. The last thing you need in the final stretch is to get sick.”
“I don’t care about that, I miss you so much! Will…I was dreading staying at your house, that’s why I didn’t come down last night. I was a bit drunk, and I do have a paper to work on, but I’m such a jerk, I should’ve just told you. I was afraid all I’d think about was Avery and those things she said. I love you so much and I can’t let her words come between us. I have to let it go. I’m so sorry I didn’t come down last night.”
“Oh, me too baby,” Will wipes his eyes.
He didn’t know what to think. He thought maybe she was falling out of love with him and didn’t want to be around him. She wasn’t avoiding him after all. Julia didn’t want to be reminded of Avery, and now Avery’s come between them permanently.
He could keep this to himself…Julia would never have to know! But he would know, and Julia would sense it… she knows him so well.
“I’ll come up on Friday night. Maybe I can get out of work early,” he murmurs, feeling sick inside, “Jules, I’ve gotta go. My stomach…”
“I love you, Will. Feel better.”
He closes his eyes, holding onto her words.
“I will always love you, Julia.”
He hangs up the phone and runs to the bathroom.
***
It’s happening! Finals are next week and then she’s done! Julia Grasso will be a college graduate! She can’t wait to see Will tonight. Only two more weeks and they’ll be together everyday, she smiles every time she thinks about it. She has three exams next week and she knows she’ll ace them. The pressure is finally off.
Tonight, Julia has a special celebration planned for the two of them. She hasn’t seen him in three weeks and her body craves his touch. A piece of her is missing when they’re apart.
It’s not just physical…they’re connected on so many levels. She once read that love activates the same parts of the brain as any habit-forming addiction. It makes people feel like they can do anything, be anything, achieve anything. And once they taste it…they want more.
Yeah. That’s how she feels. She’s a love junkie. She’s addicted to Will.
He’s been so strange on the phone this week. He said he’s not feeling well, but something else is going on, she feels it in her bones. Maybe he’s upset with her for cancelling last weekend? She’s been kicking herself for not going all week, but she senses it’s more than that. She can’t pinpoint it, but she knows something’s wrong, she can hear it in his voice.
She’ll know soon enough. He’ll be walking through the door any minute…
He’s late.
Julia’s been sitting on the couch for hours, watching the minutes tick by at a snail’s pace. She called him around eight, and when he didn’t answer she figured he was on the road and hit traffic. Two hours later, the phone rings and the hairs on her arm stand on end. It has to be Will, and she’s nervous.
On the fourth ring she picks up.
“I’m sorry Jules, I had to work late. I’m not going to make it tonight.”
“Why didn’t you call me hours ago? I could’ve taken the train down.”
“I was really bogged down and lost track of time.”
“Will, is everything okay?” Her stomach is in knots. She knows he’s keeping something from her, something is very wrong.
The gut is never wrong.
“Yes, everything’s fine.”
He’s lying, I feel it.
“Are you coming tomorrow
?”
He takes a long pause before he answers.
“Uh huh. I’ll call you in the morning.”
“Okay…Will?”
“Yes?”
“I love you,” she whispers.
“Always. I love you, Julia.”
Julia stares at the phone after Will hangs up. He’s avoiding her. Why? She lies in bed, tossing and turning all night, the hours slowly passing by. It’s unbearable. What’s going on with him? Her heart is pounding against her ribs. All week she’s had the feeling something was going on with him, and their phone call earlier confirmed it.
Staring at the ceiling and listening to the sounds of her neighborhood settling in for the night, worst case scenario’s fill her head.
He’s met someone else.
He doesn’t love me anymore.
He doesn’t think I’m enough.
He doesn’t want me to move in with him.
It could be anything, and whatever it is, it’s bad. So bad, he can’t bear to see her. But he loves me! The voice in her head repeats over and over again. Doesn’t he?
By five o’clock in the morning she can’t take anymore. She throws back her covers, tosses a change of clothes in her bag and takes the subway to Penn Station. She dozes on the train to DC but adrenaline is driving her forward.
Before she knows it, she’s standing on the sidewalk looking up at Will’s townhouse. She knows when she walks through that door something terrible is going to happen. Petrified to put her key in the lock, she sits on the front steps for a few minutes, her thoughts racing.
Then, with the dawn of sudden clarity, Julia gasps, tears filling her eyes. There’s only one thing Will would feel so guilty about he’d avoid her completely…and that would be sleeping with Avery. She rests her head in her hands, wiping the tears away.
Please God, let me be wrong.
It’s almost ten o’clock when she finally unlocks the front door and enters the foyer. She quietly investigates the first floor for evidence of Avery, but it looks the same as the last time she was here, no additions or modifications that she can see.
She drops her bag and climbs the stairs, the stale aroma of alcohol assaulting her as she climbs. The den is a mess, dirty plates and glasses, and several empty bottles of vodka litter the end table and floor.
When she opens the door to his room, she spots a few more empty bottles and his clothes are in piles everywhere. Will’s still in bed, lying on his side, and she crawls into bed beside him, wrapping her arm around his waist and buries her face in his neck.
“Will?”
He grasps her hand tightly, bringing it to his lips. He pulls her close and she doesn’t know what to do, so she holds onto him and goose bumps rise all over her body. Eventually he turns around but he won’t look at her. She stares at his scruffy face, the dark circles under his eyes.
“Will, look at me.”
He slowly raises his eyes to meet hers and sees pain and guilt reflected in them.
He did it. I was right.
Julia closes her eyes and shakes her head, her body trembling.
“No.”
Will wraps his arms around her, tears running down his face and she allows him to hold her for a minute. Two minutes.
“Please say you didn’t. No.”
He’s silent, but holds her tight. The silence is killing her. She grabs his t-shirt and shakes him.
“Tell me I’m wrong, Will, please.”
“I’m so sorry, Julia….I…”
That’s all she needed to hear. She covers her ears and rolls onto her back. She doesn’t want to hear one more word, wants to block out his voice. She squeezes her eyes shut and prays when she opens them, she’ll be back in her bed in Brooklyn, and this will have been a bad dream.
Eventually she opens her eyes and studies him. Who is this person? Will’s eyes, normally so clear and full of love are cloudy and pained, wet with tears.
“I have to get out of here.” She sits up abruptly, pushing him away.
“Julia…I’m so sorry. Please let me explain.”
“No, I have to go.”
Frantic, she sprints down the stairs, grabs her bag and flies out the door, running to the Metro station around the corner. She has to get back to New York, away from Will. She wants to get as far away from this place as possible. Waiting for the train to Union Station, Julia sits on a bench, her arms clutching her stomach and sobs.
Somehow she made it to New York, through a haze of tears, and was back in her apartment by three-thirty that afternoon. When her roommate Rhonda stopped home for a change of clothes an hour later, she found Julia disconsolate on the couch, surrounded by hundreds of used tissues.
“What happened, Jules?”
Julia shakes her head. She can’t say it out loud.
“Is it Will?”
Just hearing his name brings on a fresh wave of tears.
“Oh Julia, I’m sorry honey. Come here.”
Rhonda helps her to her bedroom and consoles her as best she can. Once Julia’s tears subside, she shares her heartbreak, describing to Rhonda what happened with Will.
“Well, I’m gonna to tell you what we’re going to do,” Rhonda sits up and makes her intentions known, leaving no room for argument. “You’re going to take a nap, then a shower and tonight we’re going to the party at Roberto’s. You need distraction.”
She’d forgotten about the party. It’s their big send off and she was supposed to go with Will. Julia rolls onto her stomach and buries her face in her pillow.
“Oh, Rhonda, I don’t feel like going to a party.”
“I’m not giving you a choice. You’re going. You have two weeks until graduation and you’re not going to sit in this apartment feeling sorry for yourself.” Rhonda stands up, “No, you’re going out with a bang, not a whimper. Honey, this is your time!”
The party is loud and packed with the friends Julia’s made over the past four years. This is their last hurrah before graduation and she’ll miss seeing them every day. Many are staying in New York and Julia made one decision this afternoon.
She’s accepting the position at The Cloisters. She’s cancelling the interview for her dream job at the Smithsonian.
There’s no way she’s moving to Washington, DC. She could get her own place to live, but she’d be breathing the same air as Will… and Avery, and she can’t bear the thought. It would be torture.
She managed to sleep for a couple of hours this afternoon, and Rhonda force-fed her a bagel before they left for Roberto’s place.
Club music is blaring through the speakers throughout his apartment, and for once Julia doesn’t mind, the heavy bass blocking out all thoughts of Will. A friend offers her a joint, but she declines that and a bevy of other mind-numbing narcotics in favor of alcohol. Rhonda, her self-appointed doctor, has been medicating Julia with endless drinks over the course of the night.
She is intoxicated enough to forget the pain for a little while, to laugh and dance. Drunk enough to say ‘yes’ to Brad when he asks for a slow dance and leads her into a bedroom. She doesn’t protest when he kisses her and feels nothing as he slides her underwear to the floor. She closes her eyes and is numb while he takes her body for his own pleasure.
She doesn’t feel a thing. The medicine worked. Julia slides to the floor, staring into the void and is empty inside.
This isn’t really happening. None of this happened.
“Take me home please.”
Brad helps her stand, adjusts their clothes and hails a cab to take them to Brooklyn.
***
A taxi pulls up in front of Julia’s apartment building at two in the morning. Will’s been waiting on the front steps for hours. After she left this morning he held the pillow that still smelled of her and stared at the ceiling. He stayed in bed until five o’clock then dragged himself downstairs, got into his car and started driving.
He didn’t have a plan, he had no idea where he was going until he reached Pennsylvania. Then he k
new. He has to see Julia, he has to explain what happened with Avery.
He can see Julia in the backseat of the cab but she’s not alone. Will stands to get a better look and is stunned when Brad steps out of the taxi to help her, telling the driver to wait. Brad wraps her arm around Julia’s waist, holding her up as they approach her building.
Will steps out of the shadows, his face pained. It takes a second, but Brad recognizes him, chuckles and hands Julia off to him. Without a word, he gets back into the taxi and is gone.
I’m in hell.
Julia’s completely drunk and Will steadies her as she stumbles toward the door.
“Will?” Julia squints at him, confusion in her eyes, “Is that you?”
“Julia…” he whispers. “What did you do?”
She searches the street for Brad, then takes a step up, leans in inches from his face and sneers, “How does it feel?”
Turning away from him, she fumbles for the keys in her bag.
Will stands immobile, consumed with white-hot rage. She slept with Brad? His head’s spinning and he can’t think, only feel. Desperate to direct his anger at something, he punches his fist into the wall of her building, his hand exploding in pain, then sits on the step and hangs his head, blood dripping onto his shirt.
The pain in his hand is excruciating, but nothing compared to the pain in his heart. He did this to them. It’s his fault Julia did god knows what with Brad.
“Will, just go back to Avery,” Julia slurs, turning the key in the lock, then exclaims, “Jesus Christ! You’re bleeding,” she pauses and sighs, “Come upstairs.”
He sits on the side of the tub while Julia kneels in front of him and washes and bandages his hand. The sight of his blood temporarily sobered her up. Neither of them speaks while she wraps his hand. What is there to say? He slept with Avery, and she turned to Brad for comfort, or revenge. Either way, it’s his fault.
“You can stay on the couch tonight, but I want you gone in the morning.”
Julia pulls herself up and stumbles toward her bed, then passes out fully clothed.
What if I Fly? Page 16
