Will stands at the foot of her bed and fights the urge to climb in beside her. She’d never know. Instead he grabs a towel and a couple of washcloths, lathers them with soap and carries them into her bedroom.
His hand throbs with pain while he washes her face, her neck, her arms, her legs. He takes off her dress and rids her of Brad, washing her body clean. She hardly stirs. He pulls her nightgown over her head and tucks her in, then sits in the chair by her bed and watches her sleep.
God, I love her. He’d give anything to take back last Friday night. Anything.
Avery hasn’t left him alone all week. She calls, she shows up at his house. He’s ignored her so far. Yesterday her mother left a message on his answering machine. She said Avery’s in a fragile state and to be careful, she doesn’t want to pick up the pieces again. “Don’t do this to her, Will. She’s been through enough.”
Guilt is eating him alive. He’s never regretted anything more than opening his door to her that night.
He has no idea what he’s going to say to Julia when she wakes up. He wants to apologize and beg her forgiveness. He loves her more than he thought possible. Julia doesn’t love easily, he learned that during their ‘friend’ stage. Yes, she loves her friends and family, but the kind of love they share was hard won.
Julia’s guarded. It took her so long to open her heart to him, but once she did, she opened it completely. Will knows how difficult that was for her and he tried to never take it for granted. This morning, he saw it in her eyes. She’ll never let me in again. He will never feel the warmth of her love again.
***
The morning sun wakes Julia a few hours later and she finds Will asleep in the chair beside her bed. For a moment she forgets what happened the day before and her heart fills with love for him. Why is he sitting in the chair? He should be in bed with me.
The walls begin to close in on her as she remembers.
He slept with Avery. He isn’t mine anymore.
The full magnitude of his betrayal hits her, a giant weight pressing upon her, forcing the air from her lungs.
Once she catches her breath, she quietly sits up, not wanting to wake him just yet. Her body is leaden, her heart aching in her chest. She wants to lie in his arms, wants him to make it all better. But he can’t.
She was right after all. Love does make you weak, it can destroy you. Well, I won’t let him destroy me. I gave him my love, I can take it back.
And as he stirs beside her, that’s exactly what she does. Like a switch in her chest, she shuts off her feelings, and lets the numbness settle in.
With a start, Will sits up in the chair beside her. His shirt and pants are stained, dark brown splotches of dried blood covering him. Before he goes he should change his bandage, she thinks absently.
Will reaches for her hand and she pulls away, staring past him to the poster of Romeo and Juliet hanging on her wall. Romeo and Juliet…suckers, both of them. This love that thou hast shown doth add more grief to too much of mine own…Romeo got that right, love hurts.
“Julia. I’m so sorry.”
She closes her eyes, recounting passages from the play, trying to block out Will’s words by reciting Shakespeare in her head. Dost thou love me? I know thou wilt say aye, and I will take thy word. Yet if thou swears, thou mayst prove false…
Will sits beside her on the bed and touches her arm. Her body betrays her and she sways toward him, her head resting on his shoulder for a split second, before she scoots away and hugs her knees to her chest.
“Julia, please, I am so sorry.”
“You’ve already said that.”
“I don’t know what happened. She showed up at my house last week and I was drunk. I don’t remember anything but I woke up with her next to me.”
“It doesn’t matter,” she covers her ears, can’t bear to hear anymore. “I don’t want the details.”
She closes her eyes and imagines them in bed together, can see Avery’s satisfied smile. She got what she wanted. Cloudy memories of last night’s party fill her head. Dr. Rhonda and her medicinal cocktails…loud music…the bedroom.
Her stomach lurches. She remembers kissing, her body pressed against a wall, her legs wrapped around someone. Who was it? A familiar face flashes before her. Brad? Oh God, what did I do?
“Julia, I hate myself. I hate what I’ve done to you.” Will brushes the hair from her face. “Is there any way we can get past this?”
“No.” She turns to face him, “No, there isn’t.”
If ye should lead her into a fool’s paradise, it were a very gross kind of behavior… They tried to build a world of their own, but they failed. They created a fool’s paradise. She doesn’t believe Will deliberately lead her into this illusory world. He wanted it to exist as much as she did.
She doesn’t know why he succumbed to Avery, maybe it was inevitable. Avery’s from his tribe, Julia’s not. Gram, you were so wrong. Loving someone is not enough, the nincompoops do matter.
“Julia…we can go away, she’ll never find us,” Will pleads, desperation in his voice.
“Run away?” she laughs, “Do you hear yourself? Will, we can’t run away from our lives. The Averys will always be there. Our differences will always be there. No, I’m done. I told you, no one can make that promise.”
“I never meant to hurt you. You have to know that, Julia.” He reaches for her again.
“I know you didn’t mean to, Will.” She grasps his hand, “But you did and I won’t let you do it again.”
The pain in his eyes, the tears falling down his face, it’s too much. She wavers for a moment, but it quickly passes. She’s in control here. Julia’s been here before…this feeling is familiar. All of these months, swirling in a whirlpool of love, she lost her power, she let her feelings control her.
Not anymore. Never again.
“I’ll be right back,” she says and returns a minute later with clean bandages and washcloths, and gently unwraps his bloody bandage, washes his swollen hand, and re-wraps it. She feels his eyes on her while she dresses his wound, can hear his ragged breathing. She’s numb, completely removed from the scene being performed at this moment.
The finale.
“It’s time to go,” she stands and calmly meets his gaze. “Goodbye, Will.”
He rises, holds her to him and whispers, “I’ll always love you.”
She nods and watches him walk away, gently closing the door behind him.
For never was there a story of more woe, than that of Juliet and her Romeo.
Chapter Thirteen
It should be a joyous occasion, her graduation, but it’s not. Julia’s a ball of anxiety but is trying valiantly to keep a smile on her face. Her father and stepmother are here, and her mother. This is the first time her parents have been in the same room together in years, the first time Julia has seen her dad and Sandra in almost a year.
The tension was thick when they met in the hotel lobby to pass out tickets to the ceremony. She would’ve told him to stay away, but he did pay for her education. She figures it’s his right. Aunt Debra came with Uncle Larry, moral support for her mother.
Julia invited Ron, but Carol thought that would be awkward under the circumstances. And Gabby’s here. She drove up with them the night before to celebrate, and to support Julia.
Her mother rented a two bedroom suite at the Hotel Pennsylvania, across from Penn Station and Julia and Gabby stayed up half the night talking. Julia’s been calm since Will left. She misses him, but she hasn’t cried. She hasn’t felt much of anything.
Gabby asked a million questions, but Julia’s brushed them all aside. It doesn’t matter. All of Gabby’s theories about ‘love conquering all’ were blown out of the water the minute Will had sex with Avery. Her friend can try to rationalize it any way she wants, it won’t change her position.
Love isn’t worth the heartache. End of story.
Rhonda was beside her during the ceremony and managed to lift Julia’s spirits enough so that she was able to
appreciate the significance of the moment. At the conclusion of the ceremony, Julia walked into the bright sunshine, feeling the warm breeze against her face and took a deep breath, then closed her eyes and smiled. I’m a college graduate. It does feel good.
Outside, she searches for her family and friends in the crowd but can’t find them. Hundreds of people attended the ceremony, so she heads toward the meeting spot they selected near the auditorium and the first person she sees exiting the building is Will.
She freezes and her face falls, the sight of him sucking the air out of her lungs. The exhilaration of the past hour… gone.
“Congratulations Julia,” Will says, walking toward her.
“Why are you here?” She holds her arm out, warding him off.
He looks awful with dark circles under his eyes, his face scruffy and pale. About as terrible as she’s feeling at this moment. She’s not prepared for this. She never thought she’d have to see him again, and in an instant he’s thrown off the equilibrium she’s managed to maintain since he left her apartment two weeks ago.
Tears fill her eyes and she blinks them back, scrambling to construct a façade of strength and determination. I can’t let him in again.
“I promised you I’d come.” Will lowers his head, fixing his gaze on the sidewalk.
“You promised a lot of things,” she whispers, her wounded eyes meeting his. “I can’t do this Will. Please don’t do this to me today.”
As her friend and family weave through the crowd, Julia and Will stand motionless, staring into each other’s eyes. Gabby rushes to Julia’s aid, stepping between them. “Congrats Jules!” Gabby holds her tight while the rest of her family circles around her.
“Help me,” she whispers, clinging to Gabby. “This is too much. My dad, Will. It’s just too much…” The façade is going to crumble if she doesn’t get away from Will and that can’t happen.
“Breathe Jules. I’ll take care of this, okay?” Julia nods, discreetly wiping her eyes, and Gabby says, “I’ll see you at Tavern on the Green at five o’clock.”
***
This was a bad idea. He shouldn’t have come today. When Will woke up this morning he tried to convince himself it was the right thing to do. After all, he promised he’d be here to celebrate her big day. And he was hopeful that maybe once she saw him, she might realize she misses him…she might even want him again.
But the look on her face…all he managed to do was strip her of whatever happiness she was feeling.
“Will! So good to see you.” Gabby grabs his arm, “Come with me.” She leads him away from the group. “Have you completely lost your mind? I can’t believe you’d do this to her after all you’ve put her through.”
He turns, hoping to see Julia again, but Gabby steers him around the corner.
“Will, you can’t be here. This is Julia’s day, not yours. You can’t just show up like this!”
“I told her I’d be here.”
“Yeah, when you two were together! You’re not together anymore, or did you forget that along with the concept of fidelity?” she says, her eyes teeming with anger.
He feels faint and loses his footing, almost falling into the street, but Gabby pulls him from the curb and guides him to a bench.
“Do you have any idea what you’ve done to her? You ripped her heart out, Will. She’ll never trust anyone again!”
Will recoils from her words, then with a surge of determination, or maybe desperation, he says firmly, “I want to talk to Julia.”
“Well, that’s not going to happen today. I’m the closest you’re going to get to her, and right now I’d love to strangle you. I never thought you’d betray her like this. I’ve had your back for the past two years, and you turn around and cheat on her?”
“Gabby, you have no idea what happened that night.” Will says forcefully and they stare each other down in silence. Eventually, Gabby sits beside him and sighs.
“Fine, Will, let’s hear it. What happened with Avery? I’m all ears.”
He explains the events leading up to Avery’s visit, Julia cancelling, his drinking. How he thought Julia changed her mind when he heard the doorbell, and opened the door. Avery wouldn’t leave, and then he woke up beside her.
“That’s a pretty convenient story, Will,” she says, her eyes boring into him, laser sharp.
“It’s the truth. I hadn’t spoken to Avery since January, and I haven’t spoken to her since that night.”
“You’re telling me you have no memory of having sex with Avery? None?”
“No. None.”
Gabby is silent for several minutes, studying the sidewalk in front of her. What is she thinking? And can she help me with Julia?
“Well, I believe you, Will,” she sighs, looking up at the sky.
His heart jumps in his chest and he turns to her, hopeful.
“But that’s not going to make any difference with Julia. She trusted you. Now she doesn’t. There’s no grey area here. If you think there is, then you don’t know her at all. There’s no way she’s gonna give you another chance. Not after everything else that’s happened.”
His body sags, defeated, and he stares at his hands. The fist he punched into the brick wall still hurts. It’s probably broken, but he hasn’t been to the doctor.
He closes his eyes and the past two years flash before him, the good times and the bad. Yes, they hit a couple of bumpy spots, but the rest of their time together was beautiful, their relationship so strong.
“What about everything that was good?” he murmurs. “There was so much good.”
“I know. That’s what’s so sad about this. You two had something very special. You two…fit. How many people ever meet their soulmate? I’m guessing not many…”
His mouth drops open, and he tries to compose himself. Soulmates…they’re soulmates, and he destroyed them. His eyes brimming with tears, Will covers his face with his hands, and to his embarrassment, begins to cry.
He’s spent his entire life masking his emotions to the outside world, but today, sitting on a bench in Washington Square with Julia’s best friend, Will loses the ability to hide them any longer. He’s inconsolable.
“What am I going to do?” he whispers through his tears. “I miss her so much. We were going to spend our lives together, have a family. This can’t be happening…”
He’s hardly slept or eaten in weeks. He’s a hollow shell of the person he was just a month ago. The past is where he lives, it’s all he has left of Julia. Memories. Living in the present is intolerable, his pain a constant reminder of his failure. Thinking about the future is another form of torture, his mind a whip, beating his insides raw with the possibility of what could have been, had he been a stronger person. All he sees are empty years stretching before him.
“I’ve gotta go,” Gabby rubs his back sympathetically and rises. “Will. Here’s my advice, for what it’s worth. Give her space. If she wants to be with you, if she can find it within herself to forgive you, she’ll reach out. I’ll talk to her, but it’s up to Julia now.”
“Thanks Gabby.” He wipes his face, and stands.
“I’ll give it to you,” she lightly punches his shoulder, “Showing up at her graduation took balls. I didn’t think you had any.”
PART II
FLAPPING
1994-1996
Chapter Fourteen
Julia hasn’t had the luxury of feeling sorry for herself since her break up with Will. She had to scramble to find a place to live when the lease on her apartment in Brooklyn expired at the end of May.
She found a small studio in the city, started her new job at the museum in mid-June and has been working as much as possible since. In the bit of free time she does have, she hangs out with old friends, reads, goes to concerts or movies. She’s trying to make a life for herself.
Activity is key. She keeps herself occupied so she doesn’t have time to think about Will. Except at night. Julia dreams about him often and she has no control over th
at, though she’s tried. She’s tried sleeping pills, but the dreams became more vivid. She started drinking a glass of wine before bed, nothing worked. So she accepts them. They can’t last forever, can they?
Before their break up, other than the night Gram said goodbye, she rarely remembered her dreams. Now, they haunt her. Or taunt her. Last night’s dream lingered with her all day. She woke up and could smell his skin, hear his voice whispering in her ear, see his face so clearly. Her subconscious has turned against her, torturing her night and day.
Gabby came to stay with her over her birthday in September. Surprisingly, she’s been Will’s number one champion. Growing up, Gabby said she’d break the legs of anyone who hurt Julia. Well, Will hurt her, and then some. She didn’t expect Gabby to go after him with an iron bar, but she thought her friend would do some verbal damage, a little Will-bashing peppered with fantasies of broken bones.
But no, she was wrong. Since Gabby spoke to Will at her graduation, she’s been making a case for Julia to give Will another chance.
“Julia, what if you’re wrong? What if he’s completely innocent? Something doesn’t feel right about this. Seriously Jules, I don’t think he even had sex with her. He doesn’t remember anything, and I believe him. You know I would’ve seen right through him. If Will was that drunk, he wouldn’t have been able to get it up if he tried. If a guy has an orgasm, he’s gonna remember it, right? I think Avery staged the whole thing. For her own warped purposes, Avery was in the right place at the right time. That night was like ‘the perfect storm’.”
“Does it even matter now?” She’s only half-listening, having learned to tune her out. Every time Gabby brings up Will, it hurts. Doesn’t she see that? “I’m finally getting my bearings, Gab. I’ve been in a fog for months and it’s finally lifting. Please, leave it alone.”
“Let me say this one thing, and then I’ll shut up about it forever.” Julia raises an eyebrow, skeptical, and Gabby throws up her hands. “Okay, for the rest of the weekend. I can’t guarantee any longer than that.”
What if I Fly? Page 17
