What if I Fly?

by Conway, Jayne

  A woman carrying a large straw basket enters the courtyard and begins to remove the letters from the wall. She’s one of Juliet’s secretaries! Julia wants to ask her a million questions, but this place has a church-like quality.

  When the secretary reaches her, Julia holds out her letter. The woman is young, maybe thirty? Her face is gentle and kind. She must have read and replied to hundreds of these letters. Now, she takes Julia’s letter in one hand and places her other hand on her arm, a light supportive squeeze. The secretary solemnly nods and finishes removing the evidence of hundreds of broken hearts.

  When Julia returns to her hotel room, she draws a warm bubble bath, pours herself another glass of wine and soaks for almost an hour. She’s exhausted though it’s only seven in the evening. Saying goodbye was as draining as she expected it would be. Tonight she’s grateful for her cozy bed with the soft sheets and down comforter, and falls into a deep, dreamless sleep.

  Before the clock strikes noon the following morning, Julia takes a seat near the fountain in the piazza and orders espresso, because that’s what you do in Italy. She never drank it back home but the taste is growing on her.

  Chewing on her pen, she mulls over todays possibilities. She’ll be in Verona for several days and has plenty of time for sightseeing, so she decides that today, her only plan is to relax. She bought some postcards from a vendor in the piazza and wants to write home to family and friends, and maybe wander about and see what the day brings.

  Julia opens her journal, her constant companion, and begins to write. She doesn’t want to forget anything about her journey and carefully records the details on its pages several times each day. Absorbing the sounds and smells around her, she closes her eyes and smiles.

  The sun feels good against her skin. It’s warm for mid-November, in the low sixties, and she’s wearing a long-sleeved white cotton shirt, her favorite soft ivory cable-knitted cardigan sweater, and faded jeans.

  A few moments later she opens her eyes, and someone is standing still a few feet in front of her, but the sun is blinding and the person is in silhouette.

  “Si?” she asks and reaches for her sunglasses, shading her eyes with her hand. It can’t be! she gasps, sitting straight up in her chair. Confused, her eyes wander the piazza. Where am I? Am I hallucinating? She blinks again.

  No, it’s Will. All six feet, two inches of him, wearing khakis and a light blue, long sleeve polo shirt, a sweater thrown over his shoulders. His piercing blue eyes search her face and neither of them utters a word.

  Her body turns cold, a knot forming in her stomach as she pulls her sweater close and tries to catch her breath. She wants to escape, to run as far away from him as possible, but she’s paralyzed. All she can do is stare, her lips parted, tears filling her eyes.

  Seriously Juliet? Is this some sick cosmic joke?

  She came to Europe to start over and make new memories. To get Will out of her heart forever. The journal sitting open in front of her is full of new and beautiful experiences. Now, the words are swimming around, mocking her.

  Goddammit, I wrote the letter! I said goodbye.

  Julia shakes her head in denial and closes her eyes.

  No. He can’t be here.

  ***

  Lowering himself into the empty chair beside Julia, his legs are shaking and he has to steady himself. He’s wanted to talk to her so many times over the past year and a half, but never thought he’d have the opportunity to be alone with her again. He has to be careful with his words, she’s in flight mode, he can see it on her face. He doesn’t want to scare her away, but is well aware he has no right to ask her to stay.

  He’s been in Italy for the past five days. Avery is spending the semester in Florence taking art classes at the university, and he’s halfway through his trip. He’s trapped, just going through the motions with this engagement. No matter how long and hard he prays, he can’t find peace within himself.

  But he can’t break off his engagement to Avery, he wouldn’t do that to her after everything he’s already put her through. And he wouldn’t do that to his parents. It would be a major embarrassment. The announcement was published in the newspaper, and his parents threw an engagement party for them in September before Avery left for Italy.

  The wedding is set for June and her mother’s planning everything. Will and Avery just have to show up.

  His train arrived in Verona about an hour ago. Avery has an all-day seminar and later tonight they’re supposed to go to a party. “Signore Medici throws the best parties,” she said. It seems to him all Avery does in Florence is go to parties and visit art museums and galleries. They haven’t had an evening alone since his arrival, and that hasn’t bothered him at all…which can’t be a good sign.

  The first night he was jet lagged and she went out without him, but over the past three nights they’ve attended various parties and she’s introduced him to dozens of people. Will understands his role perfectly. It’s taken him a while to get it, but it couldn’t be clearer.

  He’s a prop on Avery’s arm.

  No one expects him to participate in their conversations, thank god. All he has to do is smile and tune out while she and her international group of friends discuss art and travel all night long. After three nights of this, he’s just about partied out.

  Today presented Will with the opportunity to escape and visit Verona. Avery will be busy with school all day, so he’s free to roam wherever he pleases.

  “Why would you want to go there?” she asked, “There’s so much to see in Florence.”

  “Shakespeare set several of his plays there. I’ve always wanted to go,” he said, casually, flipping through the tour book of Italy he brought with him.

  “I didn’t realize you were such a fan,” Avery laughed.

  Will shrugged. He’s really not a huge Shakespeare fan, but the story of Romeo and Juliet means a lot to him. His Juliet read the play to him one snowy afternoon a lifetime ago.

  His motives for going to Verona were not pure. A week before Will left for Italy, he bumped into Gabby and she told him Julia’s in Europe, that she flew into Rome a few weeks ago. He asked if she knew exactly where Julia was, and after some consideration, her friend said Julia called earlier in the week from Venice and was heading toward Florence, then Verona. He knows it’s a long shot, but…it’s possible.

  Knowing Julia’s in Italy has made him hyper-aware every time he sees a woman with long, dark, curly hair. He’s resigned to the fact that there are a lot of women in Italy with long, dark, curly hair, and Julia won’t be so easy to spot. Over the past few days he’s stopped in his tracks dozens of times, thinking, maybe this time it’s her.

  This morning, he took the hour and a half train ride from Florence, and was on his way to visit Juliet’s house, walking through the piazza, when he stopped near the fountain in the middle of the square, the Fontana di Madonna, according to his map.

  He didn’t have high hopes when he saw the woman with long, dark, curly hair sitting at the café, not far from where he was standing, but something made him look again. Just then she smiled at the waiter and threw her head back laughing, causing Will’s heart to stop beating in his chest. He would know Julia’s laugh anywhere. That’s when he knew she was really here, just a dozen feet away from him.

  I can’t believe I found her…

  His instinct was to run up to her and beg her forgiveness, but he was sure that’d send her running. Instead, he sat at a table, hiding behind a menu, and watched her drink espresso, writing in her journal.

  His chances of finding Julia in Italy were basically zero. But I did find her. And now that he has, what’s his plan? He never got that far in his thinking. The fact is, nothing has changed. He’s still getting married.

  For a moment he considered walking away, his heart sinking. Nothing has changed. What is he doing here? This can only end badly for both of them. He tried, but he couldn’t walk away. He flew halfway around the world with the hope of seeing her again.
Praying he’d have the opportunity to talk with her…to apologize…to explain.

  He’ll never forget the pain on Julia’s face when Avery told her they were engaged. It was a reflection of his own and it tore him apart. She was sucker punched, stunned and hurt. She couldn’t hide those feelings, and there was nothing he could do. He spent the rest of that day in a daze, constantly searching the crowds on the street, hoping to see her again.

  “What are you doing here?” she whispers, looking down at her journal.

  “I flew over a few days ago.” He can’t bring himself to say Avery’s name. “She’s taking a course this semester in Florence.” Julia’s eyes roam the square, frantically scanning the crowd.

  “She’s not here, Jules. She’s at a seminar. I’ve wanted to come here since…” his voice trails off. Her cheeks have turned pink, letting him know she remembers exactly when they made their plan to visit Verona. They were naked, her limbs wrapped around him, pulling him deeper inside of her.

  He closes his eyes, filled with longing, then clears his throat and says, “I’m here for the day. Taking the train back later tonight.”

  She shakes her head and brings her hands to her face, wiping the tears from her eyes. They sit in silence for several minutes, then he moves his chair closer and leans forward.

  “Julia,” he rests one hand lightly on her arm, but she won’t look at him. He tucks a stray curl behind her ear. “I’ve missed you so much,” he whispers.

  ***

  “I have to go,” she mumbles and rises. She can’t think or see straight, not with Will so close. Gathering her belongings, she shoves everything into her bag, “I’m not feeling very well.”

  This is a nightmare. She needs to get away from him, but Will reaches out to stop her, clasping her arms and preventing her from moving. A tear escapes, rolling down her cheek. If she doesn’t get away from him soon she’s going to dissolve in a puddle of tears.

  “Please. Let me go.”

  Will shakes his head, and pulls her down onto his lap, wrapping his arms around her tightly. Her body sighs into his, and she buries her face into the crook of his neck, her arms winding around him. He strokes her back, running his fingers through her hair, and she knows with every fiber of her being…I’m home.

  It’s a broken home, but it’s where her heart lives.

  Eventually she opens her eyes and takes a deep breath, her shoulders sagging in defeat. I give up. Fate has brought them together again. She loves him. She’ll always love him, but in her heart she knows they have this one day together. He’ll go back to Avery, she doesn’t doubt it for a moment.

  It’s not rational, his feelings of obligation and guilt, his fear of disappointing his parents, but she knows there’s nothing she can say to change him. How do you make a blind man, see? Only Will can do that, and he’s not ready to open his eyes. He may never be ready.

  Today, however, there are bigger forces working to bring them together and she doesn’t have the strength to fight it anymore. She sees this twist of fate for what it is.

  A gift.

  She won’t deny herself the pleasure of this day with Will. For all she knows it’s the last one she’ll ever spend with him. Carpe diem, Julia. Seize the day.

  ***

  Together, they walked around the city together for hours, climbing the Lamberti Tower, then crossing the river to visit the ancient Roman Theater. He told Julia about his father’s illness, how his health is miraculously improving, and about Ellie and Kevin’s wedding this past summer.

  They explored the old Roman Gates of Porta Bra and Porta Borsari and toured the Archeological Museum. Julia told him about her life since graduation, her work at the Cloisters, her apartment in the city, how she and her father have patched things up. She shared stories about her travels over the past few weeks, her excitement contagious.

  They discussed everything except Avery. Julia never asked him about their relationship and he had no desire to spoil their perfect day.

  By late afternoon they’re starving and stop at a market to pick up supplies for a picnic. They fill their basket with bread and cheese, some prosciutto, tomatoes, fresh basil and a bottle of red wine.

  They’ve been walking about Verona for over five hours without so much as holding hands, but as they leave the market, Will takes both of Julia’s hands in his and searches her face. He knows it’s wrong, but he wants to touch her, to hold her in his arms again.

  Julia brushes her fingertips over his lips, and his entire body’s electrified by her touch. She smiles and holds her hand out to him, leading him to her hotel room. Will doesn’t care if he goes straight to hell. It can’t be worse than living without her.

  For Will, hell is right here on earth, and marrying Avery, he’s walking directly into the inferno.

  Spending tonight with Julia, feeling fully alive and in love for one more night, is worth eternal damnation.

  He misses the last train back to Florence, at least that’s what he tells Avery. When they enter Julia’s room, Will drops their groceries on a chair and takes the phone into the bathroom. He wants to get this over with so he can fully concentrate on the sin he’s about to commit. I’m not married yet, he rationalizes, but he knows it’s basically the same thing.

  Avery answers on the third ring.

  “I’m sorry. I’ll be back by the time you’re out of class tomorrow.”

  “You’re going to miss the party tonight!”

  “I’m sure there’ll be others.” He rolls his eyes, says goodbye and doesn’t give her another thought.

  Will walks into the bedroom and there are no more words, only feelings. Julia is waiting for him, that’s all that matters right now.

  They stand at the foot of the bed and look into each other’s eyes, their breathing already labored. Will removes his sweater, then his shirt. Julia pulls off her shirt and unhooks her bra. His heart is pounding in his chest as he steps forward and unbuttons her pants, then his own, his hands roaming her body as he removes her jeans, pulling them over her hips, down to the floor, quickly shedding his own.

  Julia smiles and they climb onto the bed, kneeling, facing one another but not touching. He can feel the heat radiating from her body.

  She closes her eyes and he kisses her forehead, her cheeks, the tip of her nose, her collarbone. He’s dizzy with desire as his hands re-discover her body. He touches her breasts, gently squeezing them, and she moans as his mouth finds the hard peaks.

  She’s kept her arms by her side the entire time, hasn’t touched him at all. He wants to feel her hands on him, his body is yearning for her touch.

  He removes his boxers and Julia’s lips part when she sees the evidence of his desire, then bites her bottom lip and looks into his eyes. He can see her longing, her eyelids are heavy, her cheeks flushed.

  “Please,” he whispers, touching her face.

  She doesn’t say a word, just reaches down to slide off her panties, then takes him in her hand. He’s throbbing and with her touch he groans, his head tilting back.

  “Look at me,” Julia whispers. His eyes meet hers again, and she shakes her head. “No eyes closed. You need to look at me.”

  He nods, understanding…she wants him to know who he’s with. As if there could be any doubt. He waits for Julia to put her lips on his again and within seconds she does. His mouth comes down hard on hers, his tongue exploring, devouring her, and Julia returns his kiss with equal passion.

  Will pulls Julia onto his lap, her legs on either side of him, and she raises herself onto her knees. He can feel her heart beating against his chest as she lowers her body, taking him in so slowly, but he needs her now.

  A moment later he grabs her hips and they both gasp as he pulls her down, thrusting deep inside of her. Julia wraps her legs around him and they move together, rhythmically, slowing down, taking their time, neither wanting this moment to end. Every nerve ending is alive, sensitized.

  Their bodies slick with sweat, he can feel her beginning to lose co
ntrol as they look deeply into each other’s eyes. Her breath starts to quicken, her back arching and he holds her tightly against him. Oh, how he’s missed her. He runs his hand along her ribcage, cupping her breasts, caresses every curve.

  He knows her body, understands her sounds. And she knows his.

  They move together in perfect unison… she closes her eyes and a moment later, he feels her tightening around him and he knows it’s time, he doesn’t have to wait any longer.

  “Oh god, Julia. Yes,” he whispers, his body trembling, riding a wave of ecstasy.

  She holds him close and cries out his name. They are one heart. One body.

  Their breathing slowly returns to normal, their arms clasped tightly around one another and Julia buries her head in his chest. He sees a tear land on his thigh.

  “Julia, look at me.” She takes a deep breath and slowly raises her watery eyes to meet his. He wipes away her tears and smiles, mouthing the words, I love you. Julia sighs, her face breaking into a smile, then kisses him and whispers in his ear, “Always.”

  The night won’t last forever but neither wants it to end. They savor each other’s bodies until the sun rises and finally give into exhaustion, falling asleep, their limbs entwined.

  The sun is shining bright through the windows when Will eventually opens his eyes. He’s disoriented for a moment, and then remembers…Julia. His heart races, afraid last night didn’t really happen, and reaches out for her…and she’s there, lying beside him.

  With a sigh of relief, he wraps his arms around her, breathing her in and holds her close as she nestles into his arms. Nothing has ever felt so good…so right. Will leans over and kisses her lips, his fingers running along her hairline, down her face, along her neck, over her breasts until his hand comes to rest on her hip.

  He can’t think about leaving her, though he knows he has no choice. But how? How can he possibly walk away? How can he live the rest of his days without her? God, please help me!