What if I Fly?

by Conway, Jayne

  Will takes a deep breath in, slowly exhales and closes his eyes.

  I’m an idiot.

  Liam’s in kindergarten, he’s bigger than his nephews. He looks exactly like me. How could I not know?

  “You’re a big boy now.” He lifts Liam off the swing and hugs him.

  “Tell Mama. She still thinks I’m a baby.” Liam wiggles out of his embrace, and runs to the sandbox.

  Will studies Liam from the bench. He has my eyes, my nose, my mouth, even my hands. Why didn’t Julia tell me? Why would she keep my son from me?

  His eyes well up as he thinks about the five years of Liam’s life he’s missed… the five years he’s been married to Avery. He was already married when Liam was born. Was she punishing him for leaving her alone in Verona?

  He didn’t fight for Julia, he just let her go. Worse than that…he walked away.

  What would he have done had he known about Liam years ago? He would have wanted to be part of Liam’s life, surely. But would he have been ready to make the changes he’s willing to make now? Would he have had the strength to leave Avery? He’s not sure. God only knows what Avery would have done! She would have made their lives hell.

  Julia understood this, she must have. Why else would she keep his son away from him? She was protecting Liam. By all rights he should be furious with her, but he’s not. She was right to protect their son from the drama. He wouldn’t have been able to give all of himself to either of them and that wouldn’t have been fair to anyone.

  Everything is different now, he’s not the same person he was even a month ago. September 11th changed everything. This is his life, and letting go of his past has freed him. He won’t miss another day of Liam’s life, not one second.

  “Will? When can we go to Fenway?” Liam climbs onto the bench and sits on his lap. He closes his eyes and breathes him in, his heart full of love. My son. He can’t believe it.

  “Do you want to go next week?”

  “Yes!” Liam’s face lights up, and he wraps his little arms around his neck, his soft cheek against his.

  “I’ll talk to Mom and see what she says.”

  Liam rests against him, his back pressed against his chest. I’m filing for divorce tomorrow, he’s not waiting any longer. He wants his family together, under one roof.

  Will’s on his way to Bristol to tell his parents about divorcing Avery. It’s a horrible time to have this discussion, but he has to do this now. I have a son! He’s still wrapping his head around this.

  When Julia joined them at the park, he was going to tell her he finally figured it out, it must be eating away at her, but he wants to show her the divorce papers, he wants her to know this is real.

  Turning the corner onto his parents’ street, he watches Avery running to her car and hears the squeal of her tires as she races away from their house. His heart sinks. What was she doing here? Checking up on him again?

  He pulls into the driveway and runs into the house. Something doesn’t feel right. He runs up the stairs and stops outside of Peter’s room when he overhears Sloane talking to Ellie…

  “The baby was Joe Butler’s,” Sloane is saying. “Avery had a fling with him and he dumped her. She wanted to get back together with Will, but your brother wasn’t interested. He got very drunk at a party and they fooled around, but Avery was already pregnant. She found out the week before your brother came home from school.”

  What is she talking about? His heart is racing. Is she saying that Avery was pregnant with Joe’s child…not mine? That I’ve felt guilty and responsible for Avery all of these years for nothing?

  “Sloane, you don’t have to talk about this now,” Ellie says.

  “I want to. I regret my part in all of this. I helped her break them up, Will and Julia. He never cheated on her. He passed out after Avery forced her way in.”

  Will slides to the floor in the hallway, his head in his hands. I never cheated on Julia…Deep down he knew he didn’t couldn’t… but she was naked…he was naked. Avery said we had sex! What the hell was she thinking? Why would she do that?

  “I don’t understand.” Ellie says, “How did you help her?”

  “I kept her in the loop about Will’s love life for years. I told her where he was living and about his relationship with Julia. At the time I thought it was best for Will…and he was so easily swayed.”

  Sloane helped Avery destroy my relationship with Julia? He and Julia were the victims of a sick woman’s lies, and everyone paid for it, including his son. He feels rage building and spreading from his stomach into his chest.

  “Why, Sloane? Why would you help Avery do something so awful?”

  “I can’t even remember.” Sloane pauses, “Avery was one of my best friends and I wanted to help her. I’m so sorry, Ellie. Your brother never knew… he would’ve hated me. It upset him to see Will so miserable. I know you’ve never liked me Ellie, and I deserved it, but I love your brother. Now I’ll never see him again.” Sloane begins to cry.

  “I know you love Peter, and he loved you.” Ellie says once Sloane’s quieted down, “Thank you for telling me the truth about Avery. Peter will protect you and the baby Sloane, you have to believe that.”

  “Do you think so?” Sloane asks.

  “I know so,” Ellie says.

  Will rouses himself and walks down the stairs, his heart heavy, and sits at the table in the kitchen, staring blankly out the window. He was deceived, right from the beginning. All of these years…wasted.

  Why would Avery do this to him? To herself! Why would she want to be with someone who doesn’t love her, who’s never loved her?

  His hatred for her is a vice gripping his heart. He knows if he drives to his house and confronts her right now, he won’t be able to control himself, he could actually strangle her the way he’s feeling, but she’s not worth spending the rest of his life in prison. No, he just wants her out of his life so he can enjoy the rest of his days with Julia and Liam.

  “Will!” Ellie enters the kitchen and rushes to his side, “I need to talk to you.”

  He looks up at his sister.

  “I heard… the baby wasn’t mine. I never cheated on Julia.”

  “I’m so sorry, Will. I can’t believe anyone would do something so sick and twisted.” Ellie takes his hand in hers and squeezes it. “Avery’s fucking evil. I knew something was wrong with that woman! Will, listen…she knows about you and Julia.”

  “What? How do you know this?” Will sits up in his chair, his eyes growing wide.

  “I overheard Avery asking for Sloane’s help. She followed you to Julia’s last night, and saw you together. She knows you slept there and she wanted Sloane’s help to come up with a plan to break you two up.”

  Will leans forward in his chair, gripping his sister’s hands. This is insane!

  “You should’ve heard Sloane, Will! She screamed at Avery. Told her to get out. She said she couldn’t care less about Avery’s farce of a marriage.”

  “Ellie, I have to go. She knows about us…I have to go to Julia’s. Who knows what Avery’s capable of right now.”

  By the time Will flies around the corner onto Julia’s street, his heart is in his throat. He hasn’t been able to contact her by phone in the twenty minutes it took him to reach her house. He can’t count the number of traffic violations he committed to get here, and is thankful he wasn’t pulled over by the police.

  There are several cars parked along the street and Will spots Avery’s Audi in front of Julia’s house. Fear lodges in his stomach. If she touches one hair on either of them he’ll kill her himself.

  He pulls into the driveway, runs toward the front door, then notices Avery sitting in the car, staring at him. He pauses for a moment, rooted to the spot and glares at his wife, hatred spilling from his eyes.

  Using his key, he unlocks the front door and twists the deadbolt behind him. He wants to make sure they’re safe. “Jules? Liam?” He runs from room to room but no one’s home. He sits on the couch with h
is head in his hands and takes a deep breath. Thank god.

  What does Avery hope to accomplish here? She has to know Ellie’s told him everything by now. He wanted to talk to his parents first, but now is the time. He’s getting this confrontation over and done with, hopefully before Julia and Liam come home.

  He opens the door and approaches Avery, who’s now leaning against her convertible, her arms folded across her chest with a smile plastered across her face.

  “Well, hello darling. Fancy meeting you here.”

  “What are you doing Avery?” He stops a few feet away from her, grim and determined.

  “Well, I’ve hardly seen you since my return sweetheart.” Avery holds her left hand in front of her, staring at her two-carat solitaire and wedding band, her thumb playing with the rings, twisting the diamond back and forth on her finger. “I thought I’d come visit you and your whore.”

  “After everything you’ve done…” He takes a step toward her, his anger rising to the surface, “You stay away from us. Do you hear me? You’ve done enough harm. I won’t let you hurt either of us again.”

  “Ha!” she snorts, “I’ve hurt her? She’s sleeping with my husband!”

  “I’m your husband in name only. You lied to me, Avery. Our entire relationship has been based on your lies. Joe Butler? Really? And don’t get me started about the night you pushed your way back into my life. Literally!”

  “Lies? Will, I’ve always loved you. That wasn’t a lie. I was there for you when no one else was. That wasn’t a lie. All of these years…you never complained, you never said you were unhappy with our life. Don’t you think we owe it to ourselves to give this relationship a real chance?”

  Her eyes are wide open, and sincere. She’s good, he’ll give her that, the consummate liar.

  “See, I have a few problems with that Avery…One, I don’t believe a word you say. Two, you were there for me because you made damned sure Julia wasn’t. And three? I’ve never loved you, and you know it. You know what this is? This is pathetic. I’ve been miserable since before we were married, and you never even noticed, never bothered to ask! I’m done. This is over, Avery. I’m filing for divorce tomorrow.”

  “Divorce! You would do that to your parents, now? In their time of grief and suffering? I’m shocked Will. Truly shocked that you’d deliberately hurt them more than they’ve already been. You’re so incredibly selfish. This would be the nail in their coffins.”

  “I don’t answer to my parents.” He takes a deep breath, praying he doesn’t do something he’ll regret. “I make my own decisions. But I’m sure they want me to be happy, something I haven’t been since the day you came back into my life.”

  “I will take you for all you’re worth, Will. Everything. Every. Single. Penny.” She jabs her finger into his chest with each word, “You’ll have nothing when I’m through with you.”

  He stares at her for a moment then bursts out laughing.

  “I’m serious, Will.” Avery’s face falls, the smirk dissolving. “I’ll take everything. And then you’ll continue to pay me alimony till the day you die.”

  “You really don’t know me at all. Go ahead, try and take it all. If you succeed, good for you. But I wouldn’t count on it.”

  “Everything, Will!” she screams, her eyes bulging from their sockets.

  “Do it,” he says, perfectly composed. She has nothing to hold over him. How could he have married this woman? She’s a stranger to him.

  “Liam! No!” Will turns towards the sound of Julia’s voice and watches Liam stop in his tracks just a few feet away from them. Julia reaches him in seconds and scoops him into her arms, her eyes wide with fear.

  “Julia, take Liam into the house.”

  Will stands as a shield between them. He didn’t want Avery to know about his son. But it’s too late. As soon as Avery rests her gaze on Liam, her mouth opens with the shock of recognition. She stares after them as Julia runs up the front steps, shutting the door behind them.

  “Oh, how clever! Liam. William. She named her bastard child after my husband as well. You hypocritical asshole! You talk about secrets and deception? You had a child with that woman! You have a whole other family!” Avery punches him in the chest.

  “Other family?” He grabs her wrists, and says with contempt, “Are you fucking kidding me? They are my only family.”

  She wrenches her wrists from his grasp and drops her purse, the contents spilling at their feet. Avery bends down to pick up her belongings and Will catches sight of a round plastic disc near the tire of her car. Julia used to have something like this. He picks it up and opens the lid.

  Birth control pills.

  He smirks and shakes his head, then starts laughing. He should have known. When Avery rises, he hands the pills to her and she snatches the case from his hand.

  “Thank you for that. Really, Avery…thank you. Now I have absolutely no reason to see you again.” Her face turns red and she backs away from him. He continues, “You need to leave right now. And Avery, don’t ever come near my family again.”

  Avery stumbles against her car. “Are you threatening me, Will?” she asks, steadying herself, her eyes narrowing into slits.

  “Yeah,” he nods, “You’d better fucking believe I am.”

  ***

  “Mama, what’s the matter?” Julia sits on the couch, holding Liam to her. What am I going to do now? “Who is that lady?”

  She’s lost the power of speech, her thoughts swimming in her head. Avery knows Liam is Will’s son. Please God, don’t let her be the one to tell him! She opens the curtains, watching as Avery climbs into her car and drives away, then unlocks the door to let Will inside. She’s shaking as he wraps his arms around her.

  “It’s okay, baby. It’s done.” Will takes a deep breath, “I told her I’m filing tomorrow.”

  She pulls him closer, doesn’t ever want to let him go. Avery didn’t tell him about Liam? Why? She’s certain Avery figured it out.

  “Is the scary lady gone?” Liam pulls on Will’s shirt.

  “Yup, and she’s never coming back.” Will lifts Liam into his arms.

  “Pinky promise?” Liam’s eyes are wide.

  “Pinky promise.” Will smiles, holding out his finger.

  Liam watches a movie while she makes dinner, and Will fills her in on what he overheard earlier and about his exchange with Avery. She’s riveted by the story Sloane shared with Ellie.

  Their lives would have been so different if Avery hadn’t set her sights on Will. Then again, she might not have Liam if anything had been different. That doesn’t excuse Avery’s lies and deceit, but maybe…just maybe, everything unfolded as it was meant to.

  She has to tell Will about Liam tonight and she’s petrified. Her hands have been trembling since she first saw Avery in front of her house. The fact is she’s been lying to Will for the past two weeks. Hell, for the past six years!

  She remembers how upset she was when she found out he kept Avery’s visits a secret from her, and all they did was decorate his house! That was Will’s big lie of omission. Julia had a child. His child. And she kept it from him for over five years!

  That’s more than a lie of omission… is there even a word for what I’ve done?

  Earlier today, when Julia and Liam took a walk to the bookstore after his nap, Liam asked her about Will.

  “Mama, is Will going to be my daddy now?” he asked during their walk.

  She’s dated a few men over the years, but never introduced Liam to any of them. This is a new experience for her son.

  “We’ll have to wait and see. Do you like him baby?”

  “Yeah. He’d be a good daddy.”

  “Yes he would.” She stopped walking and hugged him to her. Has Liam felt the absence of a father figure? He’s never asked about having a father before now. She always believed the depth of her love made up for Will’s absence.

  That night, after they put Liam to bed, Julia takes Will’s hand in hers and says she needs
to speak with him. Her hands have turned to ice, and she’s shaking when she asks Will to sit beside her on her bed.

  Then, closing her eyes, she steels herself for the worst possible outcome. He could storm out of here and never want to see her again. She knows he’ll stay in Liam’s life, but he might not want Julia in his.

  “Will, I don’t know how to say this,” she pauses, tears filling her eyes, and looks down at her hands. “It’s about Liam…”

  “Julia, I already know.”

  “You do?” she whispers. What does he think he knows? Will nods, and kisses her hand.

  “Liam’s my son.”

  Her eyes grow wide and her mouth drops. How long has he known? Lightheaded and nauseous, she clutches her stomach and lies back on the bed. He knows and he’s still here! A tidal wave of relief surges through her body. Will lies beside her, their fingers intertwined.

  “Was it Ellie?” she asks in a hushed voice.

  “No,” he shakes his head. “It was Liam.”

  “What?” Confusion spreads across her face. Liam doesn’t know Will’s his father!

  “Jules, Liam’s five. A woman at the park asked me his age yesterday. I said four and Liam corrected me. He turned five in August.”

  She searches his face. No anger. Nothing but love.

  “You don’t hate me?” her voice is soft.

  “No, Jules. I love you. I love Liam. I feel like an idiot. How could I not see it?”

  “I’m so sorry I lied to you.” Tears roll down her face. “That I didn’t tell you sooner…I didn’t want you to feel obligated to us. I wanted to make sure Avery was out of the picture. I know that doesn’t make it right, Will. I am so, so sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time…you had just gotten married…”

  “Shhh. Jules, I understand.” He wraps his arms around her, “Listen to me Julia. I really do understand why you didn’t tell me. Of course I’m upset, but I don’t blame you. I was a mess back then, a disaster. If I had known before I married Avery…I probably wouldn’t have gone through with it, but I would’ve been so guilt ridden…” he pauses, shaking his head.