Of Love & Regret

by S. H. Kolee

  “So, you decided that I couldn’t sleep either?”

  “Exactly,” I said with a self-satisfied grin. “What are you doing today?”

  “I have some work that needs to get done, but that’s about it.”

  “Boo. You work too much.” Logan was an attorney at a prestigious law firm downtown, and as a result, he spent way too many hours working.

  “Since I doubt you’re going to let me go back to sleep, why don’t you come over and make us breakfast while I work. We can do something afterwards.”

  “Okay,” I agreed eagerly. It had been a few days since I had seen Logan, and I was looking forward to spending time with him. I missed his dry humor and effortless charm. Everything always seemed more fun in his company. “Give me a half hour to get ready.”

  “Don’t take the L train. It’s too early for that. Take a cab,” Logan commanded.

  “Sure, okay,” I replied dismissively before ending the call. Logan had a habit of being too overprotective, thinking that no woman should be taking the L alone during off hours. While I didn’t think he was necessarily wrong, eight o’clock on a Saturday morning was hardly an off-hour. What Logan didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him.

  I took a quick shower and pulled on jeans, a t-shirt and a light sweater. I studied myself critically in the bathroom mirror as I pulled a brush through my long, dark brown hair. My best features were my green eyes, which were large and dominated my face. Besides that, everything else about me was average. Average height, average build, average looks. I knew I was attractive enough, but I would never stop men dead in their tracks. I shook off my wayward thoughts, dismissing them as silly. I knew I was no Victoria’s Secret model, but I wasn’t chopped liver by any means.

  I was happy for my sweater when a morning chill greeted me as I left my apartment building. I loved living in Lincoln Park because it felt like a real neighborhood despite being in the city. My spirits lifted as I walked to the L station. Despite the brisk air, the sun was shining, and I knew it would be too warm for my sweater in a few hours.

  It wasn’t a long train ride to Logan’s downtown apartment. In stark contrast to Lincoln Park, downtown Chicago was full of tall, sleek buildings and commercial properties. I much preferred the quaintness of my neighborhood.

  I waved at the doorman behind the front desk as I made my way to the bank of elevators. I was over at Logan’s apartment so frequently that he had told them not to bother to phone him before letting me up.

  When I got to his floor, I rang his doorbell and waited impatiently. He took his sweet time answering, but when he swung open the door, I realized it was because he had just gotten out of the shower.

  I gulped and quickly averted my eyes from his bare chest. Droplets of water still clung to his skin, and the towel wrapped around his hips was barely hanging on. I had seen Logan without a shirt before, so I knew how well-defined and muscled his chest was, but I hadn’t been expecting to see it ten inches from my face this morning.

  “Ew,” I said, trying to disguise my discomfiture. “Put some clothes on.”

  “You got here faster than I thought you would.” Logan stepped back to let me in while he casually re-secured the towel around his waist, seemingly unbothered by my reaction. “You know your way around the kitchen. Give me a few minutes to get some clothes on.”

  I watched his broad back as he retreated to his bedroom, trying to banish my feelings of embarrassment. I didn’t know why I had reacted so viscerally to seeing his bare chest. He was more handsome than a person had a right to be, and his muscled body would make any red-blooded woman’s thoughts turn dirty, but I should be immune to his charms by now.

  My mind wandered back to the first time I had ever seen him. It had been the beginning of my junior year at the University of Michigan, and he had bumped into me in the student bookstore, making me drop the stack of textbooks I had been precariously balancing. He had apologized with a smile and crouched down to pick them up. I remembered just staring down at him, feeling young and immature as I gaped at how gorgeous he was. His dark blond hair seemed to glint as if it were sun-kissed, despite the harsh fluorescent lights above which shouldn’t have been flattering to anyone. When he looked up to apologize again, his deep blue eyes had turned my insides into mush. I had watched dumbly as he stood up, gracefully unfolding his body to its full length. I had never considered myself short at five-six, but he was tall enough that I had to tilt my head back to meet his gaze.

  He had grinned when I had just stood there staring up at him. I had finally managed to mumble a few sentences, telling him it was okay and thanking him for picking up my books. At least, I think that’s what I said to him. I had the same dazed feeling today, watching his retreating back, as I had years ago as a starry-eyed college student.

  I hadn’t thought about the first time we had met in a long time, and I shook off the nostalgic memory. Our relationship back then was vastly different from the one we had now, and I much preferred it that way.

  I made myself busy in the kitchen, taking a quick inventory of the contents of his refrigerator before I started cooking. By the time Logan walked into the kitchen, fully dressed this time, the omelets were done and the toast was already buttered. The aroma of coffee filled the room and Logan’s face lit up.

  “Western omelets,” he said approvingly. “My favorite.”

  “I’ll bring the plates. Can you grab the rest of the stuff?”

  Logan followed me out of the kitchen carrying the mugs of coffee and silverware, and we laid out the spread on his dining table.

  “Thanks,” he said in appreciation as we both started in on our breakfast. “Although it’s only fair recompense for waking me up so early today.”

  I waved my fork in the air. “No lawyer talk. I hate it when you start talking all lawyer-y.”

  Logan smirked. “You weren’t complaining when I sent a threatening letter to your landlord.”

  A year ago, I had suffered some water damage in my apartment due to heavy rain and a leak in my ceiling. My landlord had promised to repair the damage, but months passed with no progress. At times like this, it was convenient to have a lawyer friend who could send a letter threatening to sue if action wasn’t taken immediately. Needless to say, my landlord had hired workers to fix the problem right away.

  “You always throw that in my face whenever I complain about you working too much,” I grumbled. “Yes, yes, I’m eternally grateful for your help. That doesn’t mean I want to hear your lawyer-speak.”

  Logan grinned and continued eating, but changed the subject. “How was last night?”

  I shrugged as I debated how much to tell Logan. He knew that I was questioning my relationship with Adam, but I hadn’t revealed how significantly my feelings for him had tapered off. Besides, I had promised myself that I would renew my commitment to Adam. The worst thing about complaining to your friends about your boyfriend was their reaction when you decided not to leave him, and instead, try to make things work.

  “It was okay. We went to Cornucopia for dinner.”

  “Isn’t that the vegan place?” Logan looked as if I had said we had eaten dinner in a pig trough.

  “Yeah, but it’s pretty good. We should go there some time.”

  “No way.” He shook his head emphatically as if I had suggested we try cannibalism. “There’s no way you’re dragging me to a vegan restaurant. I’d probably enjoy eating the table more than the stuff they serve there.”

  “You’re just jaded,” I scoffed. “Kayleigh scarred you with all the crap she used to make for you. Vegan stuff can actually be good.”

  Kayleigh was one of a long line of Logan’s ex-girlfriends who had only lasted a couple of months. She was a vegan but also a horrible cook, and had used Logan as a guinea pig for several of her recipes. Needless to say, this had given him a skewed view of veganism.

  “You’re not the one who had to eat her vegan brownies. I swear I’m still digesting them.”

  I laughed at his
disgruntled expression. “Fine, no vegan restaurants. Besides, I only go there because Adam’s on his vegan kick. We’ll see how long it lasts.”

  “What did you do after dinner?” Logan asked casually. He had finished his omelet and toast, and was leaning back in his chair, drinking his coffee.

  “Nothing much. We just went back to my apartment.” I paused before continuing. “Our relationship is getting a little routine. I guess it’s to be expected after three years, but sometimes I feel like we’re together out of habit and nothing more.”

  Logan raised an eyebrow. “So, why not break up with him?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know. Don’t all relationships go through ups and downs?”

  “I’m not really a good judge of what’s normal in relationships. I doubt you could even use the term relationships to describe what I’ve had with the past few women I’ve dated. Things are much less complicated when you keep it casual.”

  I picked at my placemat for a few seconds before speaking. As interested as I was in Logan’s dating life, another topic had been weighing on me since I had arrived at his apartment. I wasn’t sure how to bring it up, so I decided to just lay it out there. “Are you coming to Michigan with me next Saturday? It’s the fifteenth.”

  There was a heavy silence as I waited for Logan to respond. After a few minutes he still hadn’t replied, so I looked up at him. His blue eyes were studying me intently, and the corners of his mouth were drawn down.

  “Do you think that’s a good idea?” he finally asked. “Cassie’s mother isn’t well. She’s still living in the past. Going to Michigan to celebrate Cassie’s birthday like nothing’s changed isn’t healthy for anyone, especially her mother.”

  I sighed as I rubbed my forehead. “Mrs. Brooks would be devastated if I didn’t come. She needs me there.”

  “What do you need?” Logan asked gently.

  I looked at him helplessly. “I don’t know. Is it so wrong to celebrate her birthday? Even though she’s gone, that day still has meaning.”

  Logan shook his head. “Not the way her mother celebrates it. She can’t accept that Cassie is gone. Throwing a birthday party and pretending that she’s still alive only makes her sickness worse.”

  I pressed my lips together in frustration. I didn’t disagree with Logan, but Cassie’s mother would be devastated if I didn’t show up. Cassie had been my best friend since the fifth grade when I had moved to the tiny town of Laurenston, Michigan, where everyone seemed to know each other. I was the shy, quiet girl, and it had surprised me when Cassie, the most popular girl in my grade, had taken me under her wing. Our friendship had only grown stronger throughout the years and she had become more of a sister to me than just a friend. Her death our junior year of college had brought me to my knees, and there had been days when I doubted I would ever recover from it. Eight years later, I still wasn’t completely over it, but I was able to come to terms with her being gone. Mrs. Brooks, Cassie’s mother, coped by pretending that she was still alive.

  “Logan, please.” I clenched my hands on my lap into fists. “Mrs. Brooks needs you there.” I was silent for a few moments before I spoke again. “I need you there.”

  Logan sighed heavily, but relented. “Okay, I’ll go even though I think it’s a bad idea. But this is the last time.”

  I nodded eagerly, relieved that he had agreed to come with me. “I promise this will be the last year. I’ll gradually try to get Mrs. Brooks used to the idea of me not coming next year so it’s not a shock to her. She just couldn’t handle me telling her I’m not coming a week before Cassie’s birthday.”

  Logan didn’t look convinced, but he didn’t force the issue. He pushed his chair back and stood up, reaching behind his head with his arms and stretching. I concentrated on not looking at his body, and instead stared down at my plate. I didn’t know why I was so physically aware of him today. We spent a lot of time together, and I hardly ever gave a moment’s thought to his body or his distractingly good looks. I credited my discomfort to having seen him shirtless today. It had thrown me off-kilter and I was sure my awareness of him would soon fade.

  “Leave the dishes. I’ll do them after I’m done with my work.”

  He went over to his desk in the corner of the living room that functioned as his home office, and a companionable silence settled between us. I browsed the various books on his bookshelf, looking for something that would capture my attention. Logan had an affinity for spy novels, and I chose a book by John le Carré and made myself comfortable on the couch. Despite the captivating novel, my attention kept straying to Logan. I noticed his habit of rubbing his lower lip with his index finger when he was deep in thought, and the way his muscled biceps flexed when he was typing rapidly on his laptop.

  My thoughts drifted to how close we had become this past year. After Emily, I considered Logan to be my closest friend, although the transition from acquaintance to friend had happened slowly. When he had first moved to Chicago and contacted me, we had only traded texts every now and then. On my part, my interactions with him had been more out of politeness than anything else, since I figured it was rude to just ignore someone’s texts. The texts had gradually turned into meeting for coffee, and coffee had turned into lunches, which in turn led to dinners. Now we had an unspoken agreement to meet up once a week, although it was usually more often than that.

  I was so lost in my thoughts that I was unaware that Logan had turned and was watching me. I flushed when I realized it looked like I was staring at him, though that wasn’t too far from the truth.

  “Need something?” he asked with a slight smile.

  “Uh, no. I was just staring off into space.”

  He nodded, although he still looked slightly amused. I refused to look in his direction for the rest of the time he was working and forced myself to focus on my book, which wasn’t too hard since it was pretty engrossing. When he leaned back in his chair with a satisfied sigh, I was surprised by how many hours had gone by.

  “Done.” He turned to look at me. “Enjoying the book?”

  “Yeah, but I’d much rather do something,” I replied, putting the book aside. “Want to go to the aquarium?”

  Logan raised an eyebrow. “We just went there three weeks ago.”

  “But they have a new sea otter exhibit!” I countered enthusiastically. “It’s supposed to be amazing.”

  I was always dragging my friends to the aquarium because I loved aquatic animals, especially sea otters. As a result, Logan had been there way more times than he probably wanted to, but he usually humored my obsession.

  “We can go to the Half Pitcher afterwards,” I continued, trying to sweeten the deal. The Half Pitcher was Logan’s favorite bar in Wrigleyville because of their extensive beer selection and massive plate of nachos. I knew he would never pass up a chance to go there.

  “Okay, we’ll go to the aquarium, but I’m holding you to going to the Half Pitcher after. No vegan restaurants.” Logan acted like he was making a big concession, but I knew he would have agreed to go to the aquarium regardless of what we did afterwards.

  “I promise that meat will be involved in every meal we have today,” I agreed, filled with anticipation. The only thing I loved more than going to the aquarium was going to the aquarium with Logan. He was patient and humored me while I dragged him to all the various exhibits, and didn’t complain when I wanted to watch the sea otters for a ridiculously long time.

  Logan’s cell phone started ringing and he frowned as he picked it up. “Give me one sec. It’s Ella.”

  I picked up the book I had thrown aside, ostensibly trying to give him a modicum of privacy by being engrossed in reading, but I barely saw the words on the page as my ears perked up to pick up every word of the conversation.

  “Hi, Ella.” Logan glanced at me and then turned away to face his computer so his back was to me. “What’s up?”

  There was silence for a few moments as he listened to her, and I found myself wishing I was closer to h
im so that I could pick up her side of the conversation through the cell phone.

  “Sorry, this weekend is pretty busy. How about Tuesday?”

  Ella must not have responded positively to Logan’s suggestion because he sighed. “I know, but like I said, I can’t this weekend.” After a few more beats of silence, Logan spoke again. “Okay, that sounds good. See you on Tuesday.”

  I looked up when Logan was done with his call. He had an irritated look on his face.

  “Trouble in paradise?” I asked lightly, trying to make it a joke.

  “Ella is starting to get a little too demanding,” he said. “It might be time to end things with her.”

  I bit my lip, unsettled by the perverse thrill that went through me at his words. As a result, my next statement was at odds with my true sentiment. “Don’t make any rash decisions. I don’t blame her for wanting a little more. You guys have been going out for a while.” I paused before continuing. “If you want, we can reschedule the aquarium for another time so that you can hang out with her today.”

  I wanted to take back the words right after I said them, but it was too late. Even though Logan hadn’t answered yet, I was already disappointed by the prospect of not spending the day with him. I was relieved when he shook his head.

  “Don’t try to get out of going to the Half Pitcher,” he said with a wry smile. “And we’re ordering the nachos, regardless of your lectures about calorie counts.”

  His refusal to give up spending the day with me made a spring of happiness well up inside me. I pushed aside the questioning thought of why it was so important that he not cancel on me for Ella. “You’re on. Let’s go.”

  The interior of Logan’s Range Rover was spotless, as usual. I tended to be on the messier side, and had to constantly remind myself not to leave wrappers and water bottles behind whenever I was in his car, which was pretty frequent. I didn’t have a car of my own since I didn’t find it necessary living in Chicago, but every once in a while, having a friend with a car was invaluable.

  “I love this song!” I exclaimed as I turned up the volume to OneRepublic’s Feel Again. I started singing along, not caring that I was horribly off-key. I poked Logan in the arm. “Sing along!”