Of Love & Regret

by S. H. Kolee

“I’m just worried that you’re drinking for another reason besides just wanting to cut loose.”

  “Will you stop trying to psychoanalyze everything I do? There doesn’t have to be some deeper reason or meaning for me wanting to relax on a Saturday night! And I don’t need you breathing down my neck playing Big Brother!”

  I didn’t realize that my voice was raised until I saw a few people in the surrounding tables glance at me. Logan’s jaw tensed and his usually affable expression darkened.

  “I didn’t realize it was a crime to care. I’ll keep my mouth shut, and you can drown your sorrows as much as you’d like.”

  I blinked at him, taken aback by his abrasive tone. Even though he was just reacting to my own combativeness, it was unexpected and jarred me out of my drunkenness. I didn’t understand what was happening between us. We had been up and down all day, having spats and then making up. I was used to our friendship being easy and full of fun, not this roller coaster ride.

  I didn’t know what to say, so I just looked away and kept my gaze on the tables around us, only vaguely aware of the boisterous crowd laughing and having a good time. My thoughts were jumbled, not helped by the haze of alcohol as I fought to keep my mind clear. When the waitress came back with my beer, the sound of it hitting the table as she placed it in front of me seemed to echo throughout the bar, despite it being so noisy.

  My eyes flicked to Logan when I heard him sigh. He looked tired and resigned. “This isn’t an easy time for me, either. Maybe I’m taking it out on you.”

  I lowered my gaze and just stared silently at my beer. I knew where this was leading and it was a topic I didn’t want to venture into, so I just kept my mouth shut.

  “Maddie, look at me,” he said gently.

  My eyes shot to his. “Don’t call me that. You know I hate being called that.” My voice was quiet, but that didn’t mask the fierce intensity behind it. Maddie was a nickname I hated, and it was especially distasteful hearing it from Logan’s lips.

  His mouth tightened at my reaction. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…” He took a deep breath. “It just slipped out.”

  “I think it’s time to go home.”

  Logan didn’t protest and indicated for the waitress to bring over our check. I grabbed my wallet from my purse when she set the bill on the table with a bright smile and wished us a good night, oblivious to the tension between us. I reached for the check, but Logan’s one word stopped me.

  “Don’t.”

  He had a habit of always wanting to pay for everything, which I thought was unfair since we were just friends. I usually put up a fight and sometimes won and treated him, but those instances were few and far between. This time I just kept my mouth shut. I was uncomfortable and tense, not to mention still tipsy, and I thought it best to just get out of there as soon as possible.

  I left my untouched bottle of beer on the table, and we filed out of the bar without speaking. I wanted to take a cab home so I could escape Logan’s company as soon as possible, but I knew that would result in another fight, so I just climbed into his SUV without saying a word.

  The drive to my apartment was quiet and tense, and I could see how tightly he was gripping the steering wheel by his white knuckles. I wasn’t sure if I was angry with him or at myself for overreacting. Either way, I couldn’t think of anything to say.

  “You can just drop me off,” I said when he started to parallel park into an empty spot on my street. “You don’t need to come up.”

  Logan ignored me as he finished parking, and cut off the ignition. He turned to me, his face grim and shadowed in the darkness of the car. “We need to talk. I’m coming up.”

  I crossed my arms against my chest, trying to put some sort of barrier between us so that I didn’t feel so vulnerable. Letting Logan come up to my apartment right now would be a big mistake. Neither of us was acting like our normal self, and I was scared of what that could lead to.

  “We can talk here.”

  Logan sighed and turned away from me, resting his head back against his seat. “Madison, why are you upset with me?”

  “I’m not.” I forced my tone to be emotionless because I was afraid of what might spill out of me if I wasn’t careful. “I’m just tired, and like you said, I’ve had too much to drink. I just want to go to bed.”

  “You know I care about you.” His voice was hushed but it seemed to fill the interior of the car. My heart started thudding against my ribcage but I tried to keep calm.

  “I care about you, too,” I replied, trying to paste a smile on my face. “You’re one of my closest friends, and I value your friendship. Let’s just forget about what happened today. Both of us seem to be on edge. You’re probably tired from being overworked. As for me, maybe it’s just that time of the month.”

  My lame joke fell flat, making me feel foolish as the silence stretched on between us. I fidgeted nervously, wanting to fling the car door open and run to my apartment, away from this uncomfortable situation.

  “Okay,” Logan said finally, turning towards me. He tried to smile but it was half-hearted. “We’ll just blame it on your hormones.”

  I tried to laugh but it sounded forced. I made my voice cheerful. “Well, thanks for driving me home. I’ll talk to you later.”

  Logan nodded, an inscrutable expression on his face. “Sure. Talk to you later.”

  I hesitated, feeling like I should say more, but I wasn’t exactly sure what. Instead, I just opened the car door and stepped out, closing it behind me. I awkwardly waved at Logan through the car window and then turned around, forcing myself to not run to the entrance of my apartment building and away from his piercing gaze. After I unlocked the front door, I turned around and gave one last wave, but Logan just watched me without returning the wave.

  I was relieved when I closed the door behind me and he was out of sight. I ran up the flights of stairs to my apartment, careful to hold the handrail since all the beer I drank was still affecting me. The first thing I did when I got to my apartment was walk over to the living room window that faced out onto the street. Logan’s car was still parked there, and I held my breath as I waited for him to leave.

  Minutes went by and still the car just sat there. I was starting to wonder if he was planning on staying there all night when he finally pulled out into the street and drove off. Instead of feeling relieved, my chest tightened as I watched the tail lights of his car disappear.

  Chapter Four

  I woke up with the mother of all hangovers the next morning. I groaned as I covered my eyes against the offensive sunlight that streamed through my bedroom window. I had forgotten to close the shades last night before collapsing into bed, and now I was paying the price.

  I gingerly turned my pounding head towards my alarm clock on the bedside table and saw that it was already almost noon. I closed my eyes, deciding that Sundays were meant to laze about and there was no shame in sleeping in until the late afternoon.

  My attempt to go back to sleep was interrupted by my cell phone ringing. All sleepiness vanished at the sound, and I grabbed my phone. I didn’t know whether I was disappointed or relieved when I saw that it was Emily, not Logan.

  “Hey,” I croaked out. “I think I’m dying.”

  “What’s wrong?” Emily sounded alarmed. “Are you sick?”

  “Yes. It’s called death by imbibement, and I have a severe case.”

  “You’re just hung over,” Emily scoffed, her concern disappearing. “Here I thought you were actually ill.”

  “I am,” I insisted. “I think my liver has stopped functioning.”

  “I’m sure all your major organs are working fine,” she said dismissively. “Meet me for brunch. I’m starving.”

  Despite, or maybe because of, my hangover, I perked up at the thought of greasy breakfast food.

  “Okay, but give me an hour. It’s going to take a while for me to haul my ass out of bed and crawl into the shower. How about one o’clock at Ann Sather?”

  “Soun
ds good,” Emily chirped, her sympathy for my condition having completely disappeared. “See you then.”

  By the time I stepped out of my apartment building, I was feeling like a human being again. The aspirin and copious amounts of water I drank did wonders to make me feel better. Ann Sather was a short walk away from both my apartment and Emily’s, and she had already snagged a table when I arrived.

  “You look like crap,” she announced when I plopped into the seat across from her.

  “Thanks,” I said sarcastically. “It’s good to see you too.”

  “Let’s hurry up and order, and then you can tell me all about the foolish things you did last night.”

  After we had given our order to the waitress, Emily leaned back in her seat and studied me speculatively. “Did you go out with Adam last night?”

  I shook my head. “No, he’s busy this weekend. He has a lot of writing to get done.”

  Her eyebrows rose disbelievingly, but she didn’t comment on it. I knew Logan wasn’t the only one who had doubts about the novel Adam was supposedly working on.

  “So, obviously you were with Logan.”

  I frowned. “Why is that obvious?”

  Emily laughed. “Because you spend more time with him than you do with your actual boyfriend.”

  Her statement reinforced my realization last night that I was becoming too dependent on Logan. I didn’t think it was fair to either of us.

  “Well, you’re right,” I replied with a sigh. “I hung out with Logan, but I’m starting to think our friendship isn’t healthy.”

  “Your friendship isn’t healthy because you both really just want to boff each other.”

  “That’s not true!” I protested vehemently. “Things between us are strictly platonic.”

  “Uh-huh,” Emily replied, not looking convinced. “What happened last night that makes you think your friendship isn’t healthy?”

  I waited to answer, because the waitress chose that moment to arrive with plates of the restaurant’s famous cinnamon rolls that came with every order. Emily started in on hers enthusiastically, but I just stared at mine, my appetite vanishing as I tried to find the words to explain what exactly had happened last night. I wasn’t really even sure of it myself.

  “It was just weird,” I finally said. “Logan and I never fight, but yesterday we couldn’t stop bickering. It was like we kept taking what the other person said in the wrong way. I think the reason why I drank so much was because I was feeling uncomfortable and nervous.”

  “Maybe it’s all the sexual tension that’s built up between you two,” she said in between bites of her cinnamon roll. “Just screw each other’s brains out and get it over with.”

  I laughed, but the sound was hollow. “You think everything is solved by sex.”

  Emily frowned exaggeratedly. “Isn’t it?”

  I sighed as I picked up my fork, finally taking a bite of a cinnamon roll. It was warm and gooey with plenty of icing, but it tasted like sand in my mouth.

  Emily stopped eating as she studied me. She seemed to realize that I was seriously bothered by last night. “What’s really wrong?” she asked, no longer joking. “Did Logan try something?”

  “No, it was nothing like that. It was just—” I paused as I searched for the right words. “I was just aware of him in a different way yesterday. It’s not that I think of him as anything more than a friend, but things just felt different between us. Like there was something unspoken that neither of us were willing to address.” I frowned as I thought about my statement. “At least, I wasn’t.”

  “What was it that was unspoken between you two?” she asked.

  “I don’t know. That’s the problem. Whatever it was, it made me super sensitive and defensive about everything he said. The thing is, I wasn’t the only one who was acting differently. He insulted Adam, something he never does—at least, not so obviously. And it seemed like he was upset with me, but I’m not sure why.”

  “He just probably thinks Adam isn’t good enough for you,” Emily contended. “And he’s right.”

  I waved aside her comment. “I really don’t want to get into the merits of my relationship with Adam right now. Besides, his comments about Adam were only a small part of the issue last night. It was more than that. It was like he wasn’t filtering his thoughts and was just saying whatever was on his mind.”

  “Is that a bad thing? I don’t understand what the problem is.”

  I was frustrated because I wasn’t sure what the problem was either. “You weren’t wrong when you said I spend more time with him than I do with Adam. That’s a problem. I’m beginning to realize that our friendship may be crossing some lines. Not any romantic sort of lines, but emotionally. I think we’re too dependent on each other. Maybe that’s why Logan is never in a relationship longer than half a second. Maybe that’s why my relationship with Adam is deteriorating.”

  “Are you sure it’s not because you’re not being honest with yourself about your feelings for Logan?” Emily asked. “I’ve seen the way you two interact. You’re the most couply non-couple I’ve ever seen.”

  This was territory I didn’t want to delve into too deeply, even though I had been the one to bring it up. It would only make me more confused. Logan and I were just friends. There would never be a possibility of anything more.

  “Let’s drop the subject of Logan. It’s giving me a headache. I think I just need to chill out and not overanalyze everything to death. We’re friends. We had an off night last night. That’s all it was.” I wasn’t sure if I believed myself, but saying it out loud made me feel better.

  “If you say so,” Emily said disbelievingly, but she didn’t push the subject. Unfortunately, the next topic she brought up made me feel even more uncomfortable. “Cassie’s birthday is next weekend, isn’t it?”

  I nodded stiffly. I had met Emily long after Cassie’s death, but she knew how much it had impacted me even though I had never shared the details of it with her. She also knew that I went back to Laurenston for her birthday every year, although I had never revealed how sick Mrs. Brooks was. I preferred to keep that part of my life separate from my present reality.

  “Do you need someone to go with you?” she asked. “I’d be more than happy to.”

  I felt a rush of warmth at her considerate offer, but I shook my head. I didn’t want the two worlds to mix. “I appreciate the offer, but that’s okay. It gets easier every year. I won’t be there long anyways.”

  I didn’t want to mention that Logan was coming with me, so I changed the subject to the latest guy Emily was dating. Our food arrived, and I was able to push my problems to the back of my mind as I enthusiastically ate my Eggs Benedict and listened to Emily regale me with tales about her latest dating conquests.

  The rest of brunch was enjoyable, and I was feeling much better when we parted ways. Emily was an assistant to a prominent interior designer, and the rest of her day was dedicated to finding a certain fabric a client was demanding.

  With a full stomach and only a slight headache, I decided to try to get a head start on my column for next week when I got home. An hour had passed as I stared at the blank page on the screen of my computer when I finally admitted to myself that I was waiting for Logan to call. The fact that he hadn’t was distracting me, and it bothered me more than I wanted to admit.

  I picked up my phone, but I hesitated, my finger hovering over the button to dial his number. I didn’t know what I would say to him. I had already realized that we were too dependent on each other, so I should be giving him space instead of reaching out to him. I put the phone down, but I couldn’t deny the disappointment I felt in not being able to talk to him. Even though I had seen him just yesterday, I missed him, and I was anxious about the way things had ended last night.

  I jumped when my phone beeped, indicating an incoming text message. Seeing the name Logan Delaney appear across the screen of my phone made me happier than it should have, and I eagerly opened up his text message. />
  What are you doing?

  It wasn’t much, but it was better than nothing. I quickly typed out my reply.

  Trying to get a head start on my column for next week, but I think I’m brain dead. What are you doing?

  I was tense as I waited for Logan’s reply, unused to this uncertain feeling when it came to him.

  Watching Rear Window. I’m sorry about last night. I think we both regret the things we said. Let’s just chalk it up to us being overly sensitive.

  I breathed a sigh of relief. Logan seemed to be willing to sweep this under the rug, and I was more than happy to oblige.

  I’m sorry too. I promise to keep my bitchiness in check next time. What channel?

  Logan texted me the channel that was airing Rear Window, and I flicked on my television and turned to it. We were both big Hitchcock fans, and Rear Window was one of my favorite movies. I wasn’t surprised when moments later, my phone rang. Logan and I had watched TV together more than a few times over the phone. I had never really thought twice about it before, but now I realized that it was probably a part of us being too dependent on each other. That realization didn’t stop me from answering his call.

  He sounded tentative at first, but soon we were both engrossed in the movie. We didn’t talk much except to make a few comments about the film, but it was comforting to know that he was on the other end of the line. I lay down on the couch and put my phone next to me. I could hear the sounds of the movie echoing from his side, and it made me feel closer to him.

  “Did you fall asleep?” he asked when the credits started to roll.

  “No, I’m still here.” Now that we no longer had the movie to talk about, I was struggling to think of something to say.

  “Thanks for watching the movie with me. I have some work that needs to get done, but I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?” Logan sounded uncertain, which was uncharacteristic of him. He seemed to move through life so confident and self-assured that it was odd to hear him so tentative.