Of Love & Regret

by S. H. Kolee

  “Adam stopped by today,” I said after we had cleaned up and settled back onto the couch. “I wasn’t expecting him, but I guess he felt like we still had some things we needed to talk about.”

  Logan’s body went from relaxed to tense in a matter of seconds. “What exactly did he think you two needed to talk about?” His voice was calm, but I didn’t miss the tightening of his jaw.

  “Nothing we hadn’t discussed before. I think because our relationship ended so abruptly, he needed some time to process it. He had some things he wanted to get off his chest.” There was no need to tell Logan about how drunk he had been or the ugly things he had revealed.

  Logan didn’t accept my vague explanation and pushed for more. “Like what?”

  “Well,” I started slowly, trying to determine how much I should tell him. “He wanted to see if we could give our relationship another try. Obviously, I told him there was no way that was going to happen. I wasn’t planning on telling him about us, because it’s none of his business, but he saw your cufflinks.” I gestured towards them on the coffee table. “He got upset and accused me of cheating on him with you while we were still together. I told him we didn’t start a relationship until after he and I had broken up and then he left.” I shrugged as I finished my explanation. “That’s about it.”

  Logan’s expression had progressively darkened as I spoke until he was scowling fiercely. It reaffirmed my decision not to tell him everything. If he was this upset about the glossed-over version of what had happened, I didn’t want to see his reaction if he knew the entire truth.

  “Call me the next time he decides to unexpectedly drop by. I have a few things I want to say to him.” His words weren’t necessarily menacing, but his tone and expression said otherwise.

  “I doubt that’s going to happen. We said everything that needed to be said. There’s nothing left to talk about.”

  Logan’s expression remained grim. “Then maybe I should pay him a visit. I don’t like the idea of him thinking that he can drop by whenever he wants. Plus, I never got to tell him what an asshole I think he is.”

  I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at his show of machismo. While I appreciated the sentiment behind it, I didn’t need Logan to act like a proprietary caveman. It was a trait that I was growing increasingly aware of, and I definitely didn’t like it.

  “I don’t think that’s necessary,” I said, trying to hide my impatience with his attitude. “I made it clear to Adam that things are over between us. Besides, it’s not like I’m exactly guilt-free. If I’m being completely honest, things got complicated between us before I broke up with him, and I did refuse his proposal. I can understand why he’s upset.”

  I had felt a lot guiltier about the circumstances of our breakup, but after Adam’s revelations today, I just felt lucky to have not wasted another minute on him. Logan didn’t seem pacified by my reasoning. Instead, he looked even more irritated.

  “So, now you’re defending him? He wasted three years of your life, and now you’re on his side?”

  “You’re not even making sense,” I said, not bothering to hide my exasperation anymore. “How am I defending him? And it’s not really fair to say he wasted three years of my life. I chose to spend three years with him. He didn’t hold me at gunpoint to have a relationship with him.”

  Logan’s eyes narrowed. “So, you’re saying that those three years meant something to you? Do you still want to be with him?”

  I threw up my hands in frustration. “Where is this coming from? All I said was that I understood why he would be upset. We were together for three years, and then not only did I refuse to marry him but I broke up with him out of the blue. Just because I understand where he’s coming from doesn’t mean I want to be with him!”

  Logan didn’t speak for a while as he studied me, his expression grim. I was annoyed by his attitude and the meaningless of this fight. I had been looking forward to a relaxing evening with Logan and instead we were arguing about things that didn’t matter.

  “Did you ever love him?” he asked quietly, his voice flat.

  “At one time, I thought I did,” I answered truthfully. “But I think the reality was that I wanted to be in love, and he was there at the right time. I realized a while ago that we were wrong for each other, but I became complacent in our relationship. It was comfortable and easy because I wasn’t totally invested. I hate admitting it now, that I was willing to settle for so little, but at the time it was enough.”

  “What about now? Do you love me?”

  Logan’s question took me completely off guard. My first instinct was to answer yes, but honestly, I wasn’t sure. I had loved him as a friend before, and now that we were so much more, I wasn’t exactly sure what my feelings were. A long time ago, I had been positive that he was the love of my life, but I had been young and naïve. I pushed that thought aside because it was dangerously close to leading me to think about Cassie, and I had been fervently trying to forget about her since Logan and I had started a relationship.

  “I don’t know,” I finally answered. I didn’t want to hurt him, but it would be worse to tell him yes when I wasn’t sure. He flinched as if I had physically struck him, and I hurried to try to explain myself. “We’re just starting our relationship. I don’t want to rush into words that’ll put pressure on us. I just want to let this take its course naturally.”

  I reached out to take Logan’s hand, and although he didn’t pull away, I could feel the mental distance he put between us. I squeezed his hand, unnerved by his silence.

  “Are we okay?” I asked, not knowing what else to say.

  Logan took a long time to answer. When he finally spoke, he looked more resigned than upset. “I don’t know, Madison. I thought things were finally different between us. I thought we had finally buried our demons so that we could have a real chance at a relationship, but I feel you putting up walls between us.”

  Instead of making me rethink my viewpoint on the status of our relationship, his words made my hackles rise. Just because I wasn’t falling all over myself to proclaim my love for him didn’t mean I wasn’t giving us a chance. We had technically only been dating for two weeks. It was unreasonable for Logan to demand so much of me so quickly.

  “I’m not putting up walls between us,” I said, trying to keep the irritation from my voice but I pulled my hand away from his. “We’ve just started dating. I think it’s a little unrealistic for you to expect me to tell you exactly what my feelings are so early in the relationship.”

  “Early in the relationship?” Logan repeated disbelievingly. “We’ve spent the past year practically glued at the hip. It’s a little insulting to say that we’ve only been together for two weeks.”

  “We were friends, Logan!” I said in exasperation. “That’s a little different than dating. I don’t know what you want from me. I’m willing to give this relationship a try, but you’re making it hard on me by demanding too much too fast.”

  “Well, I guess I should just be grateful for that,” he replied sarcastically. “I’m so glad that you’re begrudgingly willing to give me a chance.”

  “That’s not what I meant!” My frustration was growing the more we talked. “You know how hard it is for me with…” I trailed off, not wanting to bring up the topic I had been avoiding. “You know this isn’t easy for me because of the past,” I finally finished.

  “Just say her name,” Logan pushed. “You think the only way for us to be together is for you to forget about Cassie, but that’s going to end up being the reason why we fail. You can’t just forget about a huge part of your past. You loved her, and you should remember her that way instead of trying to pretend like she never existed.”

  I was so angry that it was hard for me to speak without yelling. I glared at him, furious that he had brought her up. “Drop the shrink routine. I don’t need you to presume to know what’s going on inside my head. I told you before that I didn’t want the topic of Cassie to be brought up. If you can�
�t respect that, just tell me now so I don’t waste either of our time.”

  Instead of becoming angry, his expression turned bleak, but he nodded. “I’m willing to do it your way. But it’s going to end up blowing up in our faces. Sooner or later you’re going to start to resent me even though it’s your choice to pretend Cassie never existed.”

  I didn’t want to fight anymore, and I didn’t want to talk about Cassie. I wasn’t sure Logan was entirely wrong, but I did know that I could never be with him with Cassie between us. My guilt wouldn’t allow it. So the only way for us to be together was to keep Cassie in the past, as much as it pained me.

  “Let’s not argue about it,” I said, wanting to put the evening back on track. “I’ve been looking forward to seeing you all day, and I don’t want to waste any of our time together fighting.”

  The lines of tension on Logan’s face relaxed, and he pulled me towards him. “I can think of another way we can pass the time,” he said with a slight smile, easily putting our cross words behind us.

  “And what exactly would that be?” I said coyly, pressing my hand against his chest, loving the warmth of his firm muscles.

  “Showing is so much better than telling.” Logan wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, and I laughed as he stood and pulled me to my feet. Everything was forgotten once we reached the bedroom, and I was able to convince myself that we had a real chance at happiness.

  Chapter Thirteen

  I glanced at my cell phone next to my laptop with a frown. I was knee deep in writing my latest article, and the ringing had broken my concentration. I didn’t recognize the phone number flashing across the screen, and I debated letting it go straight to voicemail, but at the last minute, I answered it.

  “Hello?”

  “Madison, it’s Cassie’s mother.”

  The last person I had expected to hear from was Mrs. Brooks, especially after I had left her house so abruptly on Cassie’s birthday.

  “Hi, Mrs. Brooks,” I said, trying to pretend like this was a happy surprise. “It’s good to hear from you.”

  “I need to see you. I’m in Chicago. Can you meet me for lunch?”

  I had never known Mrs. Brooks to venture into Chicago since I had lived here. She spent most of her life within a small circumference of her home, and her life consisted primarily of a handful of volunteer organizations and spending time with her husband. I wondered if he knew she was in Chicago.

  “Sure,” I replied, although meeting up with Mrs. Brooks was the last thing I wanted to do. As much as I wanted to refuse, I felt like I couldn’t, and I thought it best to refrain from asking questions until I saw her in person. I checked my watch and saw that it was almost noon. “Where exactly are you? I can come meet you.”

  “I’m in the Loop. I thought we could go to Benson’s.”

  “I know where that is. Is one o’clock okay?”

  “It’s perfect. I’ll be waiting for you.”

  After I hung up the phone, I considered whether I should call Mr. Brooks to see if he knew his wife was in Chicago. Despite being an adult, she wasn’t exactly in the right state of mind, and I knew he kept a close eye on her comings and goings. Ultimately, my last encounter with Mr. Brooks discouraged me from reaching out to him. We hadn’t left on good terms, and I figured I could contact him after meeting with Cassie’s mother if I found out he was unaware of her whereabouts.

  I quickly changed clothes and tried to make myself presentable. I was nervous as hell, but I told myself that Mrs. Brooks wanting to meet me for lunch didn’t necessarily mean anything significant. She had sounded fine on the phone, so maybe this was just a social call.

  Benson’s was an old school, upscale restaurant with dark paneling and leather-covered booths. By the time I arrived, I was in a calmer state of mind, and was able to smile naturally at Mrs. Brooks when the hostess guided me to the table where she was waiting. She stood and kissed me lightly on the cheek as I breathed in her flowery perfume.

  “Thank you for meeting me on such short notice, dear,” she said as she sat back down. I followed suit and tried to look cheerful.

  “Of course,” I said. “What brings you to Chicago?”

  Before she could answer, the waiter came over to take my drink order since Mrs. Brooks already had a glass of wine in front of her. I just requested a glass of water since I was hoping to make this as quick of a lunch as possible.

  “I wanted to talk to you.”

  My stomach clenched in nervousness but I kept a smile on my face. “You came all the way to Chicago just to talk to me? About what?”

  She leaned forward, discomfiting me by the way her eyes pierced into me. Her smile had disappeared, and her lips were now pressed together tightly in disapproval.

  “I’m disappointed in you, Madison. You’re Cassie’s best friend. You know how much you mean to her. How could you?”

  I didn’t know how to respond to her accusatory words. I didn’t want to believe that I knew what she was referencing.

  “I’m sorry, Mrs. Brooks, but I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  The corners of her mouth turned down at my response. “Madison Bailey, I’ve known you since you were a little girl. I watched you grow up, and I was as proud of you as I was of my own daughter. This is the first time you’ve let me down, and I have to say I’m terribly ashamed of your behavior.”

  I swallowed audibly as my pulse started to race, but I continued to feign ignorance, desperate to believe that she was talking about something other than my relationship with Logan.

  “Can you tell me what exactly is bothering you?” I asked. “I don’t know why you’re upset.”

  Her eyes narrowed, and her hand on the stem of her wineglass tightened so hard that I was afraid that she would snap it in two.

  “You and Logan. I know you’re seeing him behind Cassie’s back, and I’m disgusted by it. How could you do something like that to Cassie? If she ever finds out, she’ll be devastated. Not only is her boyfriend cheating on her, but with her best friend.”

  I took a deep breath as I contemplated what to say in response. I didn’t know how Mrs. Brooks had found out about me and Logan, but the most pressing matter now was how to handle it. I needed to tread lightly so I didn’t upset her.

  “It’s hard to explain,” I started slowly, trying to determine how much of the truth I could tell her without throwing her world off balance. “The first thing is, I think you should know that Cassie and Logan are no longer together.”

  “Nonsense! I would know whether or not my daughter is dating Logan, and I know for a fact that they’re still together.” Mrs. Brooks shook her head in disapproval. “Why are you trying to lie to me, Madison? Just tell me the truth.”

  I desperately wanted to do just that, but I didn’t think she could handle it, so I continued to try to give her as much of the truth without breaking the illusion of Cassie still being alive.

  “I am telling you the truth, I promise. You’re right; Logan and I are seeing each other. But I swear, it isn’t behind Cassie’s back.”

  “She knows?” Mrs. Brooks asked skeptically. I barely noticed the waiter setting down my glass of water. He quickly receded into the background without asking whether we were ready to order, undoubtedly realizing that interrupting us wouldn’t be a good idea.

  “Not exactly,” I said hesitantly. “It’s a little complicated. I just need you to trust me when I say I’m not betraying Cassie.”

  Not this time, anyway, the voice in my head said. I tried to ignore the accusatory words.

  Mrs. Brooks wasn’t placated by my answer. In fact, it seemed to ignite an anger in her that I had never seen before.

  “Madison, I’m trying to stay calm, but I can only take so much when it comes to my daughter. I care about you, but right now I’m so disgusted by you that I don’t know what to say. I feel like I don’t even know who you are anymore. You were always such a good girl. I never expected you to be a slut.”

  I was shocked
by the ugly word she called me, but I couldn’t deny that her anger was justified in a way, because long ago I had betrayed Cassie. Mrs. Brooks wasn’t entirely wrong in her accusations. She was just eight years too late.

  “It’s not what you think,” I said, dismayed that tears were welling up in my eyes. I was frustrated that I couldn’t explain the circumstances of my relationship with Logan to Mrs. Brooks because it would entail bringing up Cassie’s death.

  She sighed heavily. “I don’t mean to be cruel, but this is just so uncharacteristic of you. Just promise me you’ll end things with Logan. Cassie never has to know about it, and things can return to normal.”

  I considered giving Mrs. Brooks that promise with no intention of following through on it, but I was paranoid that she would find out I was lying since I didn’t even know how she had found out about me and Logan in the first place.

  “I can’t,” I finally said, my voice quiet. “I care too much about him.”

  My relationship with Logan was too important to sacrifice to keep up the façade for Cassie’s mother. I took a deep breath and then took the plunge, hoping that I wasn’t making a huge mistake. “Mrs. Brooks, Cassie is gone. I know on some level you know that. I loved Cassie. I still do, but she’s not with us anymore. I need to move on with my life, and that life includes Logan. I can understand why you would be disappointed that I’m with him, but we’re not hurting Cassie.”

  Not anymore, because you already hurt her beyond repair. Your betrayal was the reason she committed suicide. I tried to ignore the taunting voice in my head, telling myself to keep the past where it belonged.

  Mrs. Brooks stared at me for a while after I was done speaking. I wasn’t sure if my words had gotten through to her, but her face was ashen. I started to worry that she had gone into shock when she finally spoke.

  “You little bitch,” she spat out, her voice quickly rising. “How dare you try to pull some sick little stunt to justify whoring around with Logan. I can’t believe I let you into our lives and treated you like a daughter, only to have you slap me in the face with some ridiculous lie.”