Of Love & Regret

by S. H. Kolee

  “That’s not true,” I said fervently, trying to make him understand. “I want us to be together. I just need to deal with Mrs. Brooks first.”

  “You’ve been dealing with her mental illness for eight years, and things still haven’t changed. What’s going to be different this time?”

  “I don’t know.” My voice was quiet because I truly didn’t know. I didn’t really even know what the hell I was doing right now by asking Logan for a break. I just knew I could never figure things out with him around, because when he was near, all I wanted to do was lose myself in his arms and forget about everything else. Unfortunately, that just masked the reality of the situation.

  “Does the fact that I love you change anything?”

  Logan’s words pierced through me, and my heart ached. I felt both elation and dread from his statement. As much as I wished differently, I wasn’t ready for his love because my disgust for myself made me unlovable.

  He laughed harshly with no trace of humor when I didn’t respond right away. “I guess that’s my answer.”

  “I just…” I trailed off, not knowing what to say. “You saying that means so much to me. I don’t want you to think I don’t appreciate it. I just need some time.”

  “I’m glad you appreciate it,” he said bitterly. “Take all the time you need. I’m done.”

  He stalked to the door and flung it open. I scrambled after him, afraid that I had ruined everything.

  “Logan, wait!” I had an irrational fear that, if he walked out the door, I would never see him again. He turned to me but his face was expressionless, his eyes cold. I frantically tried to think of something to say that would make things better. I had the fleeting thought of telling him I loved him, but I wasn’t sure if that was true. As much as I wanted to tell him I was wrong and that I didn’t need time apart, I couldn’t, because I truly believed I needed it.

  His eyes narrowed as I continued to just stand there, struggling to come up with something that would make him understand. Before I could get any words out, he turned around and walked out the door, slamming it shut behind him.

  I had no tears left, so I just stood there, frozen in a nightmare of my own doing. I had just sent away someone I cared deeply about, but I had been unable to stop myself. I didn’t understand why he couldn’t just give me some time to sort through all of this. Why did it have to be now or never?

  I expressed the same sentiments to Emily when she called later that night.

  “Madison, he’s been waiting for you for three years! Actually, even longer when you think about it! It’s been more like eight. The man’s not a saint. He has a breaking point.”

  “I just asked for a little more time,” I said, trying to convince myself as much as Emily that I had made the right decision.

  “Time for what?” Emily’s voice softened as she continued to speak. “I know you’re dealing with a lot right now, but why do you have to figure out your feelings apart from Logan? Let him be there for you.”

  “Because I can’t think straight when he’s around. Nothing else seems to matter when I’m with him.”

  “Isn’t that a good thing?” Emily questioned.

  “Not when I don’t know what to do. It would be so easy to just throw caution to the wind and be with Logan, but I have to think about Mrs. Brooks.”

  “Why?” Emily sounded truly puzzled, and I felt like I was having the same conversation with her as I had with Logan. She was voicing the same viewpoints as he had, and I had a sinking feeling that I had made a horrible mistake by asking for some time apart.

  “Mrs. Brooks was like a mother to me. It went beyond her taking me shopping for my first bra or trying to explain why boys acted like idiots in middle school. She listened to me, spent time with me, even when Cassie wasn’t around. She was someone I knew I could always depend on, and she filled a void in my life that my father was never able to, as hard as he tried. She deserves a little consideration for all that she’s done for me.”

  “Madison, I get that she was there for you growing up,” Emily said gently. “I understand why you care about her and why you’re concerned for her. But she’s not the same woman you grew up with. She’s sick. You can’t let her sickness dictate your life.”

  I made a sound of frustration. “Why does this have to be so complicated? I’m so tired of all of this. Maybe I should just become a nun and join a convent.”

  Emily laughed. “First of all, you’re not Catholic. Second of all, from what you’ve told me about Logan, passing up his skills in bed would be a sin.”

  I groaned at her lascivious comment, but it helped to lighten my mood a little. Leave it to Emily to use humor to help me in my moment of despair. I hadn’t told her much about my intimate relationship with Logan, despite her repeated demands for details, but apparently she was able to assume a lot from the scant information I had given her. Not that she was wrong. Being with Logan, both in and out of bed, was unlike anything else I had ever experienced.

  Emily commiserated with me for a little while longer before we ended the call. She had put serious doubts in my mind about my break from Logan, and I was coming to realize that maybe I had made a rash decision. Maybe I wasn’t thinking properly because I was so upset about my encounter with Mrs. Brooks.

  I decided to not torture myself anymore with thoughts of having made a mistake and leave it for tomorrow. Although there was a sense of urgency in making things right with Logan, I didn’t want to make another impulsive decision that I would end up regretting. Besides, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the one thing I was confident of was that Logan wouldn’t just abandon me. If I decided that I was wrong about asking for time apart, I would go to Logan and apologize, and he would take me back. He had to.

  I was able to fall asleep with those comforting thoughts, telling myself that tomorrow was another day and I could make things right then.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Work was abandoned the next day, and I spent the entire morning and most of the afternoon going back and forth about whether I had made the right decision. I almost called Logan a dozen times to tell him I was wrong and that I didn’t need time apart, but I always stopped myself before dialing his number.

  By late afternoon, I was mentally exhausted, but I had finally come to a decision and I felt a sense of peace now that it had been settled. I picked up my cell phone, but this time I allowed myself to go through with calling Logan.

  The phone rang for a while and I was afraid that it would go to voicemail. Now that I had made my choice, I wanted to speak to Logan right away. I was relieved when he finally picked up.

  “Hello.” His voice was curt and short, but I wasn’t surprised. I had put him through the wringer with all my ups and downs these past few weeks.

  “Hi, Logan,” I said cautiously. I wanted a chance to say everything I needed to and was afraid he wouldn’t give me the opportunity. “Do you have a minute to talk?”

  There was silence on the phone, and I held my breath until he responded.

  “Go ahead. Talk.”

  Despite his cold tone, I was relieved that he was giving me a chance to speak instead of just hanging up on me.

  I took a deep breath and then just let everything spill out. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I made a mistake asking for time apart. I was just so upset about what happened with Mrs. Brooks that I let it cloud my judgment. I know you’ve had to put up with a lot from me, and I’m sorry for that. My guilt over Cassie has been a part of me for eight years, and it’s hard to let it go and just live my life. I think I’m afraid that if I let the guilt go, I’m betraying Cassie all over again. Like I’m absolving myself of what I did in the past. I’m starting to realize that I need to move on with my life. Holding onto the guilt doesn’t change what happened, and I need to take control of what happens today. And today, I want to be happy. Being happy means being with you. All the other stuff shouldn’t matter, and I’m going to try hard to not let it interfere wit
h our relationship. I still care about Mrs. Brooks, but you’re right. She’s sick, and I can’t let a sick person dictate how I live my life.” I paused before continuing, unnerved by the absolute silence on the other end of the line. “I want us to get back together. I promise to try to work through my issues and I promise that I’ll stop running from you when things get tough. I care so much about you, and I don’t want to lose you.”

  I gripped my phone tightly in my hand. I had nothing left to say. I felt sick to my stomach as the silence stretched on, and I was about to start speaking again, just to fill the empty void, when he finally spoke.

  “It’s too late.” His voice was flat and expressionless, and it shot right through my heart. “You feel this way today, but you’ll probably change your mind tomorrow. And if it’s not tomorrow, it’ll be the next day after that. I meant it yesterday when I said I was done. We’re finished, Madison.”

  Shock wasn’t a strong enough word to describe my reaction. Despite my nervousness, I had been sure that Logan would give me another chance. He always had. Maybe he just wanted me to work for it more. I didn’t blame him since I had run from him so many times when my guilt over Cassie’s death became too much.

  “Logan, please,” I said, my voice breaking. “I know I made a mistake. Give me a chance to make it up to you.”

  He continued talking as if he hadn’t heard my plea. “I’ve decided to transfer to the Los Angeles office of my firm. They requested the transfer yesterday when they made me a partner because of major plans to grow that office, but I declined because I didn’t want to leave Chicago. I didn’t want to leave you.” He paused for a moment before speaking again. “There’s nothing holding me here anymore, so I’ll be leaving in a week. I don’t expect to hear from you during that time.”

  “Wait!” I said, afraid that he would hang up before I got a chance to respond. Logan couldn’t really be moving to Los Angeles. He couldn’t really be refusing to give me another chance. “Please—let’s talk about this in person. Just give me a chance to explain and make it up to you.”

  “You’ve already given me your explanation. Nothing you say will make me change my mind. I’ve wasted enough years on our imaginary relationship. Because that’s what I’ve realized it all was: imaginary. I waited a long time for you, Madison, and I’m not waiting any longer.”

  “But you don’t have to wait!” I cried, unaware of the tears that were streaming down my face. “I’m right here! I’m ready for a relationship with you! A real one!”

  “I left a box of your stuff from my apartment with my doorman,” Logan said calmly, as if I wasn’t on the edge of hysteria. “Pick it up at your leisure. I don’t need any of my belongings that I’ve left in your apartment. You can just throw it all out.”

  The call disconnected and I stared disbelievingly at my phone This couldn’t be it. Logan was just punishing me for pushing him away all the time. He couldn’t really be moving to L.A. He couldn’t really be leaving me behind.

  My mind raced, trying to decide what to do next. I doubted he would pick up if I called again. It didn’t matter because I needed to see him in person. I needed to talk to him face-to-face so that he would realize I was serious this time.

  I paced my apartment, angrily swiping at the tears that refused to stop. This had to be some sort of test. He just wanted to make sure that I wouldn’t let my fears get in between us again.

  It was a long time before I calmed down, but I knew what I needed to do. I quickly changed clothes and tried to make myself look presentable by putting on some make-up. I grabbed my purse and flew down the stairs of my apartment building. I ran out into the middle of the street and nearly stepped in front of a cab to stop it. I breathlessly gave the driver the address of Logan’s apartment. I had to believe that I could convince Logan to give me another chance. He had been such a steady presence in my life for so long that I couldn’t believe he was able to just walk away.

  I was a ball of nerves when I got to Logan’s building, although I doubted he would be home. It was only just past six o’clock, so he was probably still at work.

  I tried to smile at the doorman as I walked into his building, although it was tremulous at best.

  “Hi, Daniel,” I said, trying to sound cheerful. “I’m assuming Logan isn’t home yet.”

  “Mr. Delaney isn’t home yet,” he confirmed with a polite nod of his head.

  “Is it possible to let me into his apartment so I can wait there? With his crazy hours, who knows when he’ll get home and I’d hate to wait in the lobby. I can’t seem to get him on his phone. He must be in a meeting.” I didn’t like lying to Daniel since he had always been so nice and friendly to me, but if I was inside Logan’s apartment he would have to talk to me.

  “I’m sorry, Ms. Bailey, but I’m not allowed to let guests in when the tenant isn’t home without explicit permission.” He hesitated before continuing to speak, looking uncomfortable. “I’ve also been instructed not to let you up anymore without notifying Mr. Delaney, even when he is home.”

  My face flushed in embarrassment. Logan had wasted no time in trying to cut me out of his life. Hadn’t he just told me yesterday that he loved me? Now he wouldn’t even let me past his doorman.

  I shrugged, trying to pretend that I wasn’t bothered by what Daniel had told me. “That’s okay. I’ll just wait in the lobby.”

  “Wait, Ms. Bailey.”

  I turned around, hopeful that he had changed his mind, but it vanished when he set a cardboard box on top of the reception desk.

  “Mr. Delaney left this for you.”

  I numbly took the box and walked over to the sofas in the front lobby, trying to hide just how close to the breaking point I was. How could everything change so quickly on a dime?

  I set the box on top of the table between the sofas and looked inside. It was filled with various miscellaneous belongings, from toiletries to clothes I had left at Logan’s. My heart squeezed painfully when I saw a wallet I had given Logan as a birthday gift long before we had transitioned from just friends to much more. Evidently, he wanted to erase all traces of me from his life. I was starting to doubt whether I could really change his mind.

  My spirits sank even lower as time passed by. I felt more pathetic with each pitying look the doorman gave me. Hours went by, and when I checked my watch and saw that it was almost nine o’clock, I realized that this hadn’t been the best idea. I had no idea when Logan would come home, and sitting here in vain waiting for him was killing me.

  I had just about given up hope and was getting ready to leave when I saw him walk through the entrance. Except he wasn’t alone. Ella was plastered to his side and he had his arm around her.

  I felt sick at the sight of them together. It had never crossed my mind as even a possibility that Logan wouldn’t be alone when he came home. How the hell had everything changed in the span of one day?

  I stood up as they approached, feeling foolish and vulnerable. Ella was as gorgeous as I remembered in a sleek dark blue dress that accentuated every perfect curve of her body, but I barely spared her a glance. My attention was focused on Logan and the impassive look on his face.

  “What are you doing here?” he asked when they stopped a few feet from me.

  “I…” I cleared my throat, trying to sound more authoritative when I spoke again. “I need to talk to you.”

  “I said everything I had to say on the phone earlier.”

  Anger bubbled up in me. I understood Logan being upset with me, but this was taking it too far. Not only was he parading Ella in front of me but he was being deliberately cruel. Where the hell was the Logan that had been so gentle and sweet with me? We had been much more than our short-lived romantic relationship. He had been my best friend for a year. How could he treat me so coldly?

  “Well, I still have some things to say,” I countered, trying to keep the anger from my voice but I wasn’t completely successful.

  Logan raised an eyebrow. “Go ahead then.”
/>   “In private!” I said furiously, glancing at Ella who was watching me with narrowed eyes.

  “I don’t have time for this,” Logan replied. “Either say whatever it is you have to say or leave.”

  “Logan, why are you doing this?” My anger was rapidly being replaced with a bottomless pit of hurt. “Just give me a chance to talk to you alone!”

  “This is getting boring,” Ella said, pressing herself closer to Logan’s side. “Let’s go up. I have plans for us tonight.”

  She wrapped her hand around the back of Logan’s neck and pulled his head down close to hers. I wanted to throw up when she pressed her lips against his, kissing him eagerly with no qualms about having an audience. The worst part was when Logan responded to her, pressing her closer to him with his hand on the small of her back.

  I had to get out of there before I got physically ill and puked my heart and guts out in front of them. I had been wrong. So wrong. I had stupidly thought Logan had some sort of undying love for me. Sure, he had been patient with me in the past, but now that he was ready to move on, he was doing so with a vengeance. I had thought that if I just told him I loved him, something I had realized with complete clarity earlier today, everything would be fixed. But the Logan before me made me realize that I had never really known him.

  Logan’s face was tense but expressionless when he turned to me after he had broken the kiss. A hundred things were going through my mind of what I wanted to say, but in the end I was only able to utter three words.

  “I hate you.” I didn’t care that my voice broke when I threw those words at him. All the newly found love I had been carrying for him shattered in an instant, and I had nothing left in me except those three words.

  I didn’t wait for his response. I spun around and ran out without the box of my belongings. There was nothing in it that I wanted. I didn’t stop until I found myself blocks from his apartment and out of breath. I was angry that I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing down my cheeks. I had been so stupid. I should have taken Logan for his word when he said he was done on the phone earlier. I had laid my feelings out on the line, made myself vulnerable, and I had been punished for it. Never again.