Of Love & Regret

by S. H. Kolee

  “See? It wasn’t so bad.”

  “Yeah, I’m still alive,” I joked.

  Cassie’s expression turned serious. “What’s the point of living if you never feel free?”

  I woke with a sudden start from the memory. It had been a long time since I had dreamed about that last birthday before Cassie had killed herself. It had been such a happy day, but now when I thought back on it, I also saw the large clues that I had missed because I was too preoccupied with my own problems.

  I pushed the memory aside as I groggily got out of bed. I had tossed and turned all night, and the last thing I remembered was looking at my alarm clock to see that it was well past four o’clock. It was now just barely seven o’clock, but I knew I couldn’t go back to sleep. Even if I were able to, I was afraid to dream about Cassie again.

  I had turned my phone off last night, and when I turned it back on, I saw that I had a voicemail and several texts from Logan. I steeled myself as I read his texts.

  We need to talk. Call me when you get this.

  Turn your damn phone on. It keeps going straight to voicemail. I know you’re not sleeping.

  If you don’t call me soon I’m just going to show up at your apartment.

  The last text had been sent not too long ago. I listened to his voicemail, which had been recorded late last night, before he sent the texts. An involuntary shiver went down my spine as I listened to his deep voice. It reminded me of what we had done at the bar, and I couldn’t deny how good it had felt.

  I need to talk to you. You asked me for one more chance a year ago, and I turned you away because I was too hurt. I wanted you to feel as much pain as I did. Now I’m asking you for one last chance, and I hope you won’t do the same to me. Dammit, Maddie, we’ve wasted enough time apart. Call me as soon as you get this. I’m not going to let you avoid me.

  I was nervous that he was going to show up at my door any minute. I quickly texted him to prevent that from happening.

  Let’s give it a few days to clear our heads. We’ll talk then.

  I wasn’t surprised when he immediately texted back, but I was surprised by the contents of his message.

  I’m outside your building. Let me in when I buzz up.

  Panic seized me. How long had he been waiting outside my apartment building? I wasn’t prepared to face him now but I doubted he would just go away. I dropped my phone when the buzzer sounded. I rushed over to the intercom and pressed the button to speak.

  “This isn’t a good time. I’ll call you when I’m ready to talk.”

  I let go of the button and tensed as I listened to his reply.

  “I’m prepared to stand out here all damn day. Sooner or later, someone is going to enter or leave the building, and then I’ll be waiting outside your apartment door. It’ll be much easier if you just let me in so we can talk about this face-to-face. But I’m prepared to do it the hard way, if that’s what you force me to do.”

  I groaned as I rested my head against the wall. I had a feeling that denying Logan entry would just escalate the situation, so I reluctantly pressed the button to unlock the entrance of the building.

  I barely had time to think about changing before a loud knock sounded on my door. I felt vulnerable in the skimpy shorts and t-shirt I had worn to bed, but there was nothing I could do about it now. I also knew that my hair looked a mess, and I wasn’t exactly glowing this morning, but that was the least of my concerns.

  I felt a rush of conflicting emotions when I opened the door and saw Logan standing there. A part of me wanted to fall into his arms but another part of me wanted to slam the door in his face.

  Instead, I just stepped back to let him inside. He didn’t say a word as he walked in and followed me into the living room. I leaned against the sofa instead of sitting down, not wanting to give him the impression that this was going to be a long, drawn-out conversation. He stopped a few feet in front of me, his eyes raking down my body. I felt naked in my outfit that didn’t cover much and resisted the urge to cross my arms against my chest.

  “Why did you turn your phone off?”

  I shrugged at his question. “I told you I needed some time to think.”

  “I’m ending things with Kristina today.”

  It was confusing to feel both pleasure and pain at his statement. The thought of Logan wanting to be with me gave me an undeniable thrill, but the steps he was going to have to take to make that happen was hard for me to accept. Even though I had just met Kristina, it was hard not to equate her with Cassie.

  “You promised you would wait until we had a chance to talk about it.”

  “We’re talking about it now. We never said you had to agree to it. Just that we would talk again before I did it.”

  My gaze dropped to my hands. “It’s not that I don’t want us to be together. Why does there always have to be so much collateral damage for us to be happy?”

  Logan reached out and cradled my head in his hand, lifting my face up to look at him. “It’s better for me to do it now, before things get any messier.” His thumb gently stroked my cheek. “Did you think about me last night? All I could think about was you. I barely slept.”

  I frowned at him as a vision of him and Kristina together invaded my thoughts. “What about Kristina?”

  He knew what I was asking without me having to explicitly say it. My accusatory tone was ridiculous considering his obligations were to her, not me, but I couldn’t help feeling jealous.

  “I made the excuse of having a lot of work to do and then when I finally did get some sleep, I fell asleep on the couch. I didn’t get much sleep since I woke up pretty early to come over here.”

  I didn’t ask him how long he had been waiting outside my apartment building. I didn’t think I wanted to know.

  His hand slipped down, brushing against my neck before moving further down. I gasped when he cupped my breast through my thin t-shirt, flicking his thumb across my nipple that immediately hardened.

  “You’re not wearing a bra,” he said simply as he continued caressing me.

  “This isn’t helping,” I said in a strained voice although I didn’t pull away. “We’re supposed to be talking right now.”

  “Go ahead. Talk.”

  I whimpered as he rolled my nipple between his thumb and forefinger. “I can’t talk while you’re doing that!”

  He gave me a half-smile. “Okay, I won’t do that anymore then.”

  He dipped his head and replaced his fingers with his mouth, moving his hand to support my back. I hissed as I felt the warmth of his mouth through my shirt, dampening the material so that it was barely a barrier.

  I felt helpless against the sensations invading my body but I made a last attempt to grab at the pieces of my sanity. I gripped his shoulders, and although I didn’t push him away, it helped to ground me a little.

  “I’m serious. We need to talk and that’s impossible with what you’re doing. We can’t just fix everything with sex.”

  “I’m not trying to fix anything,” Logan said as he raised his head, his eyes glittering with desire. “Our problems will still be here after I make love to you. We can talk about it afterwards.”

  I wasn’t sure if I agreed with his reasoning, since sex just made things more complicated, but my body refused to cooperate with my mind when he returned his attention to my nipple. He scraped his teeth against the taut bud and somehow the material of my shirt just heightened the sensation. My head tipped back as I moaned, lost in a whirlpool of desire. I let go of everything besides my desire to be with Logan because it was impossible to do anything else.

  “Talk dirty to me,” I whispered. Although I felt shy saying those words, they just slipped out of my mouth of their own volition. I had been incredibly turned on when he had spoken plainly and crudely to me last night, and I couldn’t deny the desire to hear him speak to me that way again. Instead of it feeling demeaning, it made me feel empowered and outrageously hot.

  Logan raised his head and gave me a l
ook of supreme male satisfaction. The gleam in his eye told me how much my request had pleased him and he obliged with an intensity that set me on fire.

  “Take your shirt off so I can suck on your nipples without it in the way,” he commanded in a low voice. I followed his order and gripped the bottom of my shirt, pulling it over my head and throwing it to the floor. He gazed down at my bared breasts, lifting his hand to graze a tightened peak. “Do you know how pretty they are? They’re made for me to bite and suck on.” He glanced back up at me, his eyes dark. “Beg me to suck on them.”

  I felt myself flush, both from arousal and bashfulness. My lust won out, and I heard myself speak, the words coming more easily than I thought they would. “Please suck my nipples. Suck on them and bite them until I go crazy.”

  Triumph flickered in his eyes before he obliged with a fierceness that took my breath away. I could only moan as he suckled on first one nipple and then the other with abandon. The pressure of his mouth was intense, and the fleeting pain I experienced just intensified the pleasure as he tugged hard on each peak of my breasts, using his teeth just as much as his tongue.

  We were both breathing hard when he lifted his head. I looked down at myself, even more turned on by what I saw. My breasts were marked with red where his stubble had scraped across them, as well as several places where he had bitten me just hard enough to leave a mark. My normally rosy pink nipples were dark and engorged by my arousal and the attentions of Logan’s mouth.

  “Are you wet?” he asked in a rough voice.

  “Yes,” I said, my earlier timidity vanishing. “My pussy is so wet and aching.”

  “Show me.”

  He pulled back so I had room to push down my shorts. I stepped out of them, completely naked now because I hadn’t been wearing any panties. I felt a perverse thrill from being entirely exposed while Logan was still fully dressed. But the desire to see his body outweighed that feeling.

  “Can I take off your shirt?” I asked, already reaching for it. He stopped me before I could do anything.

  “Not until you show me your pussy. I want to see how wet it is.”

  My breath caught in my throat and I leaned back against the arm of the couch, parting my legs. I knew it was impossible to miss how aroused I was as his gaze dropped to between my thighs.

  “Show me more. I want to see you touch yourself.”

  There was no room for shyness as desire consumed me, and I reached down, keeping my eyes on Logan. I traced the lips of my arousal, picking up moisture, and then settled on my clit which was swollen and throbbing. My breathing quickened as I stroked myself, feeling as aroused by Logan’s eyes on me as I was by my fingers. The harsh lines on his face deepened as he watched me, his breathing becoming more labored.

  “Describe to me what you’re doing,” he ordered in a guttural voice.

  My voice was breathy when I spoke and I strained to pull words together into intelligible sentences. “I’m stroking my clit. It’s aching so much it almost hurts when I touch it, but it feels so good, too. Having you watch me while I touch myself turns me on so much.”

  “Put your fingers in your pussy. I want to watch you fuck yourself.”

  I felt like I was in a trance as I followed Logan’s commands. In that moment, I would have done anything he asked. I whimpered as I pushed one finger inside of me, and then two. I braced myself on the arm of the couch with one hand as I used the other to thrust in and out of myself. My hips bucked forward as I quickened the pace, feeling pressure mount between my legs. My eyes fluttered shut as I lost myself to pure sensation.

  I suddenly felt hands on my thighs and I looked down, disoriented. Logan was kneeling in front of me with his head between my legs. He seemed out of control as he reached up around my thighs and lifted them so that were resting over his shoulders. My hand fell away as he dove between my legs with abandon, licking and sucking like he was a starved man. The sensation was intense, and I wanted to cry out but there wasn’t enough breath left in my lungs. It was all I could do to hang onto the arm of the couch and not crumple to the floor.

  “I love your sweet pussy,” he muttered against me, and I was no longer sure if he was saying it for my benefit or for his own. At this point, I didn’t care. He stiffened his tongue and pushed it inside of me, imitating what I was sure he would do to me later. I made a noise that sounded more animal than human as he continued his sensual assault. My legs couldn’t hold me anymore and I felt myself sliding down. Logan caught me by the waist before I could fall and cradled me in his arms, swiftly moving me so that I was sitting on the couch. He kneeled, resuming his place between my legs, and I gasped when he gripped my hips and abruptly pulled me forward so that I was on the edge of the cushion. With my legs splayed, I was completely open to him.

  He reached out and stroked my clit, making me shift restlessly and press into his hand.

  “This belongs to me.” His voice was hoarse but that didn’t take away from the steely intent of his statement. “Say it.”

  “It belongs to you. My pussy belongs to you.” Instead of protesting against feeling like an inanimate object like I had before, I reveled in his words of ownership. I had never experienced anything so erotic in my life, and I wanted to drown in it. Even seeing the wetness of my arousal on his chin made me hotter.

  “What else belongs to me?”

  “Everything,” I said in a throaty voice as my hips rocked to match the rhythm of his strokes. “My entire body belongs to you.”

  Logan leaned down and replaced his fingers with his mouth. He sucked my swollen clit and laved it with his tongue. I made a choked sound and gripped the cushions next to me as my body became even more taut.

  “Harder,” I begged, wanting to be taken over the edge. “Please.”

  Logan obliged and increased the pressure of his mouth while he thrust two fingers inside me and then curled them, pressing into a spot that made me go crazy. My hips lifted and I pushed against him feverishly. He had to grip one of my thighs with his free hand and anchor me to the sofa since I was thrashing so much.

  “Oh God, Logan,” I cried out, feeling the pressure increase until it was almost unbearable. “It’s too much. I can’t take it!”

  I keened loudly, my body undulating as I climaxed violently. The intensity of it was shattering and it lasted so long that I thought I was going to pass out. It didn’t seem possible to experience so much pleasure.

  Throughout it all, Logan kept his mouth latched onto my clit and his fingers continued to thrust in and out of me. It was only when my body collapsed against the couch that he straightened from his kneeling position. He kissed me gently, and I reached up to wrap my arms around his neck as I returned the kiss. I could taste myself on his mouth, and it was both arousing and tender.

  “I love you, Maddie,” he said softly against my lips. “I always have and I always will.”

  My arm tightened around his neck. I still felt lingering anxiety from his words, but my heart exploded with emotion as I confessed my feelings for him.

  “I love you too, Logan. I’ve just been afraid to admit it.”

  He deepened the kiss, gently stroking his tongue against mine. It was achingly sweet, and our lips clung together. It was amazing that we could be so raw and erotic in one moment and so tender in the next.

  Logan lifted his head, breaking the kiss. He brushed my hair back from my sweat-dampened forehead. I could see everything he felt for me in his eyes and his naked vulnerability touched me deeply.

  He quirked his mouth, raising an eyebrow. “Maybe we should move this to the bedroom. Your couch is a little too small for what I have planned for you.”

  I pushed against his chest playfully. “Not until I get to have my way with you.”

  Logan looked amused, but allowed me to push him back and maneuver him so that we had switched places. I wanted to give him as much pleasure as he had given me.

  “It’s only fair that you get naked now,” I said as I grabbed the bottom of his shi
rt. He obliged by lifting his arms so that I could pull it over his head. I ran my hands against his leanly muscled chest, reveling in the warmth and hardness of it.

  “Of course I’ll do anything in the name of fairness,” Logan quipped as he raised a hand to caress one breast before sliding it down my side to rest at my hip.

  “No touching,” I reprimanded as I moved his hand from my hip onto the couch. “I’m in control now.”

  Logan raised an eyebrow but didn’t object. I traced down his chest until I reached the waistband of his jeans. His muscles jumped reflexively under my hand, and desire replaced the amusement on his face.

  I leaned down to kiss his chest, using my tongue to trace down the same path my hand had taken. I kissed his stomach as I undid his jeans.

  “What are you doing?” he asked in a strained voice.

  “Getting ready to suck your cock.” I felt an answering twitch underneath his jeans and I felt a sense of satisfaction that my words had affected him.

  I gripped the edge of his jeans, along with his underwear, and pushed them down. Logan lifted his hips so I could pull them down all the way. I tossed them onto the floor next to his shirt and knelt between his legs, mimicking his earlier position.

  He was already fully erect and I wrapped my hand around his shaft. Logan made a sound of pleasure that spurred me on. I stroked the hard length as I leaned down to lick the head, eliciting a groan from him.

  “I like the way you taste,” I whispered as I licked the head again before running my tongue down its length. “It’s better than a lollipop.”

  “Christ, you must be trying to kill me,” Logan bit out. I could see the cords of the muscles in his arms straining as he fought not to take control.

  My answer was to run my tongue back up the shaft of his erection before taking the head of it into my mouth, licking and sucking it with increasing pressure. I gripped the base as I pushed more of him into my mouth, although I was far from able to take him completely since he was so large. I stroked the lower half of his shaft and my head bobbed up and down as my mouth and tongue feverishly worked over him. I was aroused by not only the taste of him but by the encouraging sounds he was making.