Of Love & Regret

by S. H. Kolee

She took the lead as she walked into the living room, and I had to resist the urge to wring my hands with anxiety as I followed her. Where was Logan? Did he know Kristina was here?

  She halted and turned around to face me before she reached the couch. I stopped short, leaving a good distance between us, and waited for her to speak.

  My discomfort grew as she just stood there for a few moments, silent as she studied me. A small, bitter smile touched her lips briefly before it disappeared.

  “I can see it now that my blinders are off,” she said. “We do look alike.”

  My heart started beating faster at her pronouncement but I tried to keep calm. “Is there a reason you’re here?” I asked as politely as possible. “Does Logan know you’re here?”

  Kristina’s laugh held no amusement, which put me even more on edge. This was going to be ugly.

  “It figures you would automatically ask about him. I didn’t come here to answer your questions. I came here to ask my own.”

  “What do you want to know?” I tried to keep the defensiveness from my voice. Even though I was in the wrong, I couldn’t help feeling combative. I felt cornered, and my natural instinct was to fight back.

  Kristina narrowed her eyes as she crossed her arms over her chest. “How long have you been fucking Logan?”

  “I’m sorry, Kristina,” I said, sickened by her question. “I never wanted to hurt you. I know Logan never wanted to, either. Our past is just really complicated, and we went about things in totally the wrong way. I’m so sorry.”

  Her arms dropped to her sides, her hands clenched into fists. “I don’t want to hear your apologies! Just answer my damn question! How long?”

  I swallowed audibly, and although the best thing to do was be honest, I couldn’t bring myself to tell her what we had done in her own bedroom the night of Logan’s party. Telling her that we’d had sex in the storage room of the Half Pitcher while she sat at the table none the wiser was definitely not something that would help the situation either. I just wished I knew exactly what Logan had told her so I didn’t contradict him. I took a deep breath before I spoke. “It just happened yesterday. Before I ran into you guys at the Water Tower, I hadn’t seen or spoken to Logan in over a year.”

  “And before then? What was your relationship like with Logan before he moved to L.A.?”

  I hesitated before answering. I wasn’t sure how to explain our relationship, especially since I didn’t know how much Logan had told her.

  “It’s hard to explain,” I finally said. “Our relationship was complicated. We were friends for a long time before anything happened between us. We were only together as a couple for a short period of time before Logan left for L.A.”

  “So I was just a replacement until he got you back,” she spat out bitterly. “You two must have fucking laughed your heads off behind my back about how stupid I was to follow Logan here.”

  “No, that’s not how it was,” I said desperately, trying to make her understand. “Our relationship was over, and Logan truly thought you two were going to start a life together here. Things just got complicated when we saw each other again.”

  Kristina’s composure was starting to break, and although her expression was one of anger, I also saw tears welling up in her eyes.

  “What kind of person are you that you can do this?” she said, her voice thick with unshed tears. “I was actually excited when I first met you because I thought we would become good friends. I was nervous about starting my life over in Chicago, but there you were—an insta-friend because you and Logan were already friendly. Did it cross my mind that you two had a past beyond just friendship? Sure, but when I asked Logan, he assured me there had been nothing between you two.” Tears escaped to stream down her cheeks, and she swiped at them angrily. “Then I find out you’re some bitch who can’t keep her hands off other people’s boyfriends. Can’t you find your own goddamn man instead of stealing one from someone else?”

  Hysteria edged into her voice. I didn’t know how to defend myself. I had done the indefensible, so I just stood there, but my silence only seemed to enrage her even more.

  “Answer me!” she screamed, her face turning red. “Tell me how the hell you can do this to me!”

  “I’m sorry, Kristina,” I said. There was nothing else to say, and I was trying to keep a grip on my own emotions. “I know this doesn’t mean much to you, but I never wanted to hurt you. I’m sorry you got caught up in this mess with me and Logan.”

  “This mess with you and Logan?” she sneered, her voice full of contempt. “So, I’m just a supporting character in your little love story? I didn’t realize I was just an obstacle that needed to be overcome so you two could be together. I stupidly thought my relationship with Logan was about me and him, not you and him.”

  This was getting us nowhere. Where the hell was Logan? He needed to be the one to diffuse the situation and handle Kristina, not me. I barely knew her.

  “I don’t know what to tell you,” I said, trying to keep calm although my pulse was racing. “I’m sorry about all of this, but maybe you should talk to Logan about it.”

  Kristina took a step towards me, almost menacingly. “I already talked to Logan. We talked all fucking night.” She laughed harshly. “Actually, I did most of the talking. He just kept apologizing over and over again.” Her face twisted in a pained grimace. “All you two can do is say you’re sorry. Those words are meaningless! Instead of having to apologize afterwards, why don’t you just try not being a home-wrecking bitch in the first place?”

  As guilty as I felt about what had happened, I couldn’t stand there and let Kristina berate me, and her behavior was becoming more erratic. I needed to put an end to this before it escalated even further.

  “I think you should leave,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady. “I’m not going to pretend that what I did wasn’t wrong. It was, and there’s so much that I regret. But I don’t regret my feelings for Logan. I know that must hurt you, and I’m sorry about that, but there’s nothing I can say that’ll make you feel better.”

  “You fucking bitch,” she snarled. Her voice dropped, but it didn’t lessen her enraged intensity. “You’re so fucking self-righteous, standing there talking about your feelings for Logan. What about me and Logan? We have something real together. He has real feelings for me. You’re not the only one he told he loved. I may not have the history that you have with Logan, but we’ve been together for seven months, and in those seven months, he fell in love with me. Why do you think he wanted me to move to Chicago with him? You fucked him last night, but I’m the one he’s made love to every night for the past seven months. I’m the one sharing his bed and his life, not you. You’re just some slut he’s screwing on the side.”

  “Get out,” I said, my voice trembling. I could no longer allow my guilt to allow Kristina to be so ugly to me. Yes, she was the injured party, but this was between her and Logan. “Leave before I have you forcibly removed.”

  She laughed at my statement. “By who? What are you going to do, call the police? You make me sick, trying to pretend like you’re the victim here. I bet this isn’t the first time you’ve screwed around with someone else’s boyfriend.” Her eyes narrowed as she continued. “Logan told me he met you through his college girlfriend. I bet you were screwing him then, too, behind your best friend’s back.”

  I froze at her words. I never thought Logan would have told her about Cassie. He obviously hadn’t told her what had happened between us back then, but just the fact that he had shared even a little bit about Cassie made me wonder what else he had told Kristina.

  I felt numb by her accusation, and Kristina took my silence as an admission of guilt.

  “You did, didn’t you?” she exclaimed, her eyes taking on a predatory glint. She had stumbled onto the truth and, sensing that it was a weak spot, was going in for the kill. “You’re disgusting. It’s one thing to do this to a stranger, but to betray your best friend? Logan told me you and she were like sis
ters, yet you were fucking her boyfriend. She probably died of a broken heart. You might as well have just killed her.”

  I gripped the back of the chair next to me so that I wouldn’t crumple into a heap on the floor. Her words were like arrows to the heart, but I didn’t want her to realize how much they affected me.

  “I said, get out,” I said in a shaky voice. I couldn’t take anymore. I felt like I was going to explode, and my next words came out in a scream. “Get out, now!”

  Instead of leaving, Kristina rushed over to me. I flinched, expecting to feel a blow, but instead, she grabbed my hand, her grip desperate. Her eyes were full of panic and desperation.

  “You can make up for what you did to your best friend by leaving Logan alone,” she pleaded. Her anger had disappeared, leaving only stark anguish. “Don’t take him away from me. I need him. I love him! I know he loves me, too. He’s just confused right now. I left my entire life in L.A. to be here with him. We talked about getting married and having a family together. Don’t destroy another person’s life with your selfishness. It’s what’s best for Logan, too. I can make him happy, I know it!”

  Her words battered into me. How could Logan have spoken about marriage and children with someone else if he claimed to be so in love with me? What could I say to this woman who was begging me to leave Logan alone? Why did my happiness have to mean someone else’s misery? I was confused and heartbroken, and I wanted to cry and scream. But above all, I just wanted to be left alone.

  “Please leave,” I whispered, feeling broken. “I have nothing else to say.”

  Kristina snarled, and her eyes glowed with rage. She dropped my hand in disgust. “Don’t think I’m just going to lay down and die, bitch. I’m going to fight for Logan, and you’re going to lose. I’ll make sure of it.”

  She stalked out of my apartment, slamming the door violently behind her. I was relieved that she was finally gone, but now I was left with the tatters of my heart. Where the hell was Logan?

  I went into the bedroom to retrieve my cell phone, and saw that I had multiple texts and missed calls from him. I had slept with my phone, and it had become entangled in the covers, which muted the sounds that should have alerted me to his attempts to contact me. I scrolled numbly through his texts.

  I had to stop into the office today for an emergency. I’ll come over afterwards. How are you doing?

  I just called but you didn’t pick up your phone. Call me when you get this.

  Maddie, where the hell are you?

  He had called multiple times, but left only two voicemails. They were along the same vein as his texts, demanding to know where I was and why I wasn’t picking up my phone. I pressed the button to call him back and he answered before the first ring even finished.

  “I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for hours,” he said impatiently. “I was getting worried, but I had some things I had to take care of at work. I’m on my way to your apartment right now.”

  “Kristina stopped by,” I said, trying to keep the accusatory tone out of my voice but it was hard. “It got pretty ugly.”

  “Shit.” Logan sighed, his voice gentling. “I’m sorry, Maddie. She took the breakup pretty badly. I’ll be there in about fifteen minutes and we can talk about it.”

  “Fine,” I said and then hung up. I knew it was abrupt, but I was angry, even though I wasn’t sure I had a right to be.

  I took a quick shower, and by the time I was done and had changed into jeans and a t-shirt, the buzzer for the building entrance sounded. I pressed the button to let Logan in, and he walked up the flights of stairs to my apartment in record time.

  He dropped a quick kiss on my mouth when I opened my door, like nothing was wrong. “I’m sorry I couldn’t come over earlier. I hate going into the office on a Sunday, but there were some pressing matters I had to take care of.”

  I didn’t respond. I just turned around and walked to the living room, sitting down on the couch. Logan sighed as he joined me, trying to cradle me in his arms. I didn’t pull away, but I held myself stiffly.

  “I didn’t think Kristina would come over here to confront you,” he said apologetically. “You shouldn’t have to deal with her. That’s my responsibility. What happened?”

  “She basically told me I was a horrible person,” I said, staring at my hands on my lap. “There wasn’t really much I could say to defend myself. How does she even know where I live?”

  Logan grasped my chin gently and tilted my head up so I had to look at him. “I’m sure it wasn’t hard for her to figure out. She probably found your contact info on my computer.” He sighed deeply. “I know we went about this the wrong way. I should have ended things with her before coming back to you, but we can’t change how it happened. I’m sorry for hurting her, but I can’t regret anything that brought us back together again.”

  I wanted to just accept his words and melt into him, but I couldn’t forget the things Kristina had said.

  “What did you tell her about Cassie?”

  Logan frowned, his eyebrows furrowing. “Did she bring her up?” He continued talking when I nodded. “She asked how you and I met in college, and I told her that you were best friends with my college girlfriend.” He grimaced. “I thought it best to tell the truth with the least amount of detail. I never told her about what happened between us. As far as she knows, we were only friends in college.”

  “Did you tell her that Cassie killed herself?” I asked quietly.

  Logan shook his head. “No. I told Kristina she died, but I never told her how. I said it was painful to remember, and I didn’t like talking about it. She accepted my explanation and never brought it up again.” His frown deepened. “What exactly did she say about Cassie?”

  “She guessed at the truth. That we betrayed her.” I couldn’t repeat the things she had said about Cassie dying of a broken heart. That I was responsible for killing her. Saying those words out loud would shatter me.

  “It’s in the past, Maddie. We have to let it stay there or it’ll eat away at our chance at happiness today.”

  “That’s not all Kristina said. She said you told her you loved her. That you wanted to marry her and have children with her.”

  I could see the guilt written across Logan’s face and it killed me. How could he have said those things to her, to have promised her a future with him, if he truly loved me?

  “I did tell her that I loved her. It was almost reflexive on my part. My answer to her when she told me she loved me.” Logan sighed heavily as he rubbed his forehead tiredly. “Deep down, I knew I was just playing a part. I thought if I told Kristina I loved her, it would become a reality. And I guess I did love her in a way. I was pretty much a mess when I first moved to L.A. Losing you, even though I had been the one to push you away in the end, was hard on me, and she helped me through it, though she didn’t realize it at the time. I was grateful to her for that, and I mixed that up with love.”

  His words didn’t reassure me. Instead, they made me even more anxious. Kristina wasn’t some fly-by-night whom he had a fling with. She was someone he had true feelings for, despite his rationalization that it wasn’t real love. She had been there for him when he had needed someone, and apparently that meant something to him.

  “What about marriage and kids?” I felt like a masochistic asking him but I needed answers.

  “She was the one that talked about eventually getting married and having children. I admit that I never rejected the idea or actively discouraged her from talking about it. I took the easy way out and went the path of least resistance. I’m not proud of it.” He gripped my hand, as if he was trying to make me believe him by sheer will. “But I swear that I never would have gone through with it. I couldn’t have because there was always a part of me that knew I would get you back, no matter what. I regretted pushing you away a year ago, right after it happened. I even called you the next day from a blocked number, but I was too proud to say anything when you answered so I just hung up. I kept telli
ng myself that eventually I would reach out to you again, but I was afraid you would reject me.”

  I remembered that phone call. If only he had said something, if only he had given me that chance, we wouldn’t have to be dealing with all of this now. I wouldn’t have to feel like I had to compete for Logan.

  “You’re saying all the right things, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have real feelings for Kristina. How do you know you’re not going to regret choosing me? What if a year from now, you realize you’ve made a mistake and you want to be with her instead? I couldn’t handle that.”

  Logan gripped my shoulders, his expression intense. “I’m saying this all wrong if you believe that’s even possible. Yes, I care about Kristina, but I don’t love her. I’ve spent almost a decade waiting for my chance with you. I love you, Maddie. Nothing and no one will ever change that. The thought of living without you is enough to make me go crazy. I’d do anything to keep you.” His tone became frantic, his grip tightening. “Don’t let Kristina come in between us. This time I won’t let you go, no matter what.”

  “I’m not saying that I don’t want to be with you,” I said softly. I raised my hand and gently ran it across his jaw, trying to soothe him. I wouldn’t be stupid enough to push Logan away again. I didn’t think I would survive it this time. “I love you, Logan. Nothing will change that. It was just hard for me to hear the things Kristina said. It’s hard for me to hear that you care about another woman. But it’s nothing I can’t work through.”

  The tension on Logan’s face relaxed and he pulled me towards him, kissing me hungrily. Even though I had reassured him that everything would be okay between us, there was a niggling doubt in the back of my mind. We had overcome so many obstacles that I just wanted to have blind faith that this time it would be different, that this time we could be happy together. But a part of me held back from fully committing to Logan. I was scared of being hurt and, irrational as it was, I was scared that some cosmic force of the universe wouldn’t allow me to be happy because of the sins I had committed.