Angel Fire

by Shelley Russell Nolan

  ‘They took us in when Mum and Dad died, gave us a home. They were just trying to do the right thing.’

  ‘By turning me into a freak show? Shoving pills down my throat?’ I turned away, disgusted by the hurt in his eyes.

  ‘Andie, wait. Let me explain.’ He grabbed my arm and spun me around. ‘It wasn’t like that. After the fire, you were confused, you’d blocked out the memories. It was the experts who advised Mum and Dad to let you continue to forget Angel.’

  ‘They are not our parents. Our real Mum and Dad died in a car accident.’

  He dropped his eyes and my stomach churned. ‘Please don’t tell me that was a lie.’

  He gave a sigh. ‘They died in the fire, with Angel. Mum and …, Uncle Bill and Aunt Joyce said it would be better if you thought they’d died in a car accident.’

  I sank to the floor, back against the wall. ‘This can’t be happening. This can’t be real.’

  Daniel crouched in front of me, reaching out to pull me into his arms.

  ‘No.’ I pushed his hands away and scrambled to my feet, breath coming in gasps. ‘You do not get to touch me.’

  ‘Andie, please, I feel bad enough as it is. Don’t shut me out.’

  He did look wretched, but I was beyond feeling pity for him. ‘What else haven’t you told me? What other lies have I been fed?’

  His expression became even more pitiful. ‘It was my fault that Angel died. ‘

  My mouth fell open. ‘You set the fire.’

  ‘No, it was caused by an electrical fault. By the time the smoke alarms went off, half the house was in flames. Mum and Dad were trapped in their bedroom and they yelled at me to get you and Angel out of the house. But I could only carry one of you at a time. I grabbed you, and I swear I was going to go straight back for Angel, but the roof collapsed and I couldn’t get back in the house. But if I’d been stronger, faster, I could have saved her.’ Anguish filled his eyes and tears streamed down his cheeks. ‘It’s my fault she died. I should have been able to save her.’

  My anger evaporated, shoulders slumping as I leaned into the wall for support. ‘You were a little boy. You can’t blame yourself for what happened.’

  He shook his head, and then wiped his eyes with the back of one hand. Then he held it up in front of him, staring at the dressing in confusion.

  ‘You broke a glass, got a piece of it stuck in your palm,’ I said. ‘Don’t you remember?’

  He shrugged. ‘I’m not sure. It’s all a bit fuzzy. Guess I drank too much.’

  I frowned. ‘I thought you must have broken up with a girl called Angel. You were crying and saying her name over and over again.’

  ‘Yesterday was the anniversary of the fire and I guess I got carried away trying to block out the memories.’ He gave another shrug. ‘I envied you, being able to forget. I’ll always remember the look on her face as I carried you away, leaving her to die. I know most people didn’t think she understood what was going on, but she knew. I could see it in her eyes.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Angel was different. She was always doing weird stuff, freaking people out, and she was mute.’

  ‘Mute?’

  ‘She couldn’t talk or make any sounds. The doctors never knew why. Mum and Dad said it was because she was special, and started calling her Angel instead of Angela.’ His mouth formed a crooked smile. ‘You used to do all the talking for her, act as her translator, although you always insisted that she could talk, because you heard her voice in your head and you couldn’t understand why we couldn’t hear it too.’

  I sucked in a breath, spine stiffening. In my dreams I’d heard Angel’s voice but her lips hadn’t moved. My subconscious had fought so hard to make me remember my twin, a job made harder by the medication I’d been forced to take. All for nothing. The sedative that turned me into a robot, the countless hours spent having my head examined and my dream dissected. Had any of the shrinks Bill and Joyce took me to known the truth or had they been lied to as well?

  A bitter taste flooded my mouth, not unlike the aftertaste of the pills I’d been forced to swallow for all the wrong reasons.

  I bolted into my bedroom, wrenched open the top drawer of my bedside table and pulled out the packet of pills.

  Daniel followed me and I thrust the packet at him, forcing him to take it.

  ‘Fifteen years these stupid things have ruled my life, making me feel like a failure, that there was something wrong with me, and you knew it was all based on lies.’ Eyes stinging, I glared at him. ‘Why didn’t you tell me the truth? How could you stand back and let them do this to me?’

  He ran a hand through his hair, anguish in his eyes. ‘I’m so sorry, Andie. They said it was for the best, that it was what the doctors recommended.’

  I shook my head, cheeks wet with tears. ‘How could letting me forget Angel ever existed be for the best?’

  He reached out and I stepped back, not wanting him to touch me. I spun around and bolted down the hall, yanked open the front door and ran outside, not caring that I was in my pyjamas and barefoot. I ran down the driveway and onto the empty road, and kept on running, trying to outdistance the pain welling up inside me.

  As my feet pounded the bitumen, Angel’s image filled my head, the feelings of horror inspired by the dreams magnified tenfold now that I knew it was a memory. Angel had died in the most horrible way, alone and terrified, forgotten by her twin sister. A cramp ripped into my side and I stumbled to the side of the road and collapsed on my back on the grassy footpath, gasping in oxygen.

  I stared up at the clouds in the sky. What kind of person was I, to forget my twin?

  ‘Are you okay?’

  I shielded my eyes with one hand and stared up at the young man who leaned over me, concern in his brown eyes. I swallowed the lump in my throat and gave a nod, not trusting my voice.

  ‘Are you sure? You don’t look okay.’ He crouched beside me. ‘In fact, you look terrible. Your pyjamas are cute though.’ He smiled, a dimple appearing in each cheek.

  My face heated up as I pushed myself up on one elbow, waving him away when he moved to help. I dragged myself to my feet and peered down at him, arms crossed over the print of a kitten hanging upside down from a branch on my pyjama top.

  ‘So, do you always go for a morning run in your pyjamas or is today a special occasion?’ He stood and I had to crane my neck to meet his eyes, he had to be well over six feet tall. He brushed dark brown hair out of his eyes and frowned at me.

  ‘Earth to Andie.’

  I took a step back. ‘How do you know my name?’ I edged sideways, ready to bolt.

  ‘I met you a couple of months ago, when Dan picked you up from a party for some girl you go to university with. Not surprised you don’t remember me, though. You were pretty out of it that night.’ His dimples reappeared when he chuckled at the memory.

  I tilted my head, thinking back to when I’d attended Maddie’s eighteenth birthday. I was still weaning myself off the pills back then and the dreams had returned, and I’d made the mistake of thinking alcohol might help me sleep.

  Three drinks later, head reeling, I’d called Daniel to come and get me. I’d then slept for twelve hours, unable to wake up each time the dream reset. I hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol since and cringed to think of this guy seeing me when I’d been so out of it. I hadn’t even realised someone else was in the car with Daniel until the other person had helped him get me into the flat.

  ‘So, you going to tell me what has you running down the road, with no shoes, or do I have to guess?’

  ‘What are you doing here?’ I frowned at him, every muscle in my body tense.

  ‘We had a work function last night and your brother was drinking more than usual. It seemed like he had something heavy on his mind, so I thought I’d check on him. I was just pulling up in front of your place when you came flying out the door and tore off down the road.’ He shrugged. ‘Want to talk about it?’

  I dropped my eyes, the
weight constricting my chest increasing. No way was I going to talk about what I’d just discovered to a stranger. He might be Daniel’s friend, but he was nothing to me. And seriously, since when did Daniel like being called Dan? He hated it when people shortened his name, or at least he used to. Maybe I didn’t know him as well as I’d thought. He’d kept the truth about Angel from me, so maybe I didn’t know him at all.

  I turned around to walk home and winced when my heel came down on a bottle top hidden beneath a clump of leaves. I stopped to brush it off, checking to see it hadn’t punctured the skin. Blood welled from a circular cut.

  ‘I’ll give you a lift. My car’s right there,’ said Daniel’s friend, getting in front of me and pointing to the car parked across the road.

  I straightened up. ‘I’m not getting in a car with you. I don’t even know your name.’

  ‘Oh, sorry. I’m Nick, Nick Foster.’ He held out his hand and gave me a disarming smile.

  I took a step back, hands held up in front of me, palms facing out. ‘Look, no offence, but while you might be a friend of my brother’s I don’t know you, so you can just go, please. Daniel’s fine, I’m fine, and there’s nothing for you to worry about.’

  Nick let his hand drop, though his smile didn’t waver. ‘No problem. I’ll get out of your way, but at least let me take you home first. No telling what you’ll step on between here and there.’

  The heel of my foot ached and I heaved a sigh. ‘Fine.’ Keeping my weight off my heel, I limped across the road and climbed inside Nick’s car.

  I buckled my seatbelt, avoiding his attempts to start a conversation as he drove me back to the flat. I got out of the car, wincing when I put my sore heel on the ground. Nick joined me at the kerb and before I could tell him to leave Daniel burst out of the flat.

  ‘Thank god you’re back,’ Daniel said as he hugged me. ‘Don’t ever run off on me like that again.’

  I held myself still, conscious of Nick watching. Daniel let me go and stepped back, frowning when he saw his friend.

  ‘Nick? What are you doing here?’ He looked from me to Nick. ‘What’s going on with you two?’

  ‘Nothing is going on with us. He just gave me a lift home.’ I brushed passed Daniel, trying not to limp as I walked up the driveway.

  ‘I was coming to see how you were doing, found her running down the street with no shoes on,’ said Nick. ‘Thought I’d better bring her home.’

  ‘Thanks mate.’

  ‘Is everything okay? Your sister seemed pretty upset, and you don’t look crash hot either.’

  I didn’t wait to hear Daniel’s reply. I entered the flat and went to the bathroom to get the first aid kit out again. Then I sat on the couch, twisting my leg around to inspect the damage I’d done to my heel. Daniel walked in, with Nick at his side, the two of them conversing in low tones. Nick cast a quick glance my way and then took a seat beside me.

  ‘Here, let me do that,’ he said as he took the antiseptic cloth out of my hands. ‘You’re all twisted around like a pretzel.’

  My eyes widened as he wiped the cloth over the cut, his long fingers gentle and his touch light. He picked up the dressing I had laid out on the seat beside me, peeled off the backing and placed the dressing over my heel, smoothing it down and giving me a smile. ‘That should do it.’ His hand, warm and solid, rested on my ankle.

  I dropped my eyes and pulled my foot free as Daniel stepped closer to the couch.

  ‘Is she going to be okay?’

  ‘She’ll be fine. The cut looked clean.’

  ‘Hey, I’m right here. I can answer for myself.’ I scowled at Nick. ‘And I didn’t need your help. I was doing fine on my own’

  ‘Of course you were, and I’m sorry for taking over like that,’ said Nick, with an apologetic dip of his head. ‘I’m the first aid officer for our section at work. I’ve had to patch up so many scrapes lately, it was an automatic response.’

  I stood, wanting to escape the scrutiny of his dark eyes. ‘I’m going to get dressed.’ I limped down the hall, relieved to be able to close my bedroom door and shut Daniel and Nick out. I made my bed and then dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. I hunted in the bottom of my wardrobe for my most comfortable pair of shoes, relieved when I put them on to find they did not press on my sore heel. Then I headed to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth, conscious of the steady murmur of voices coming from the lounge room.

  Nick was still in the flat.

  I frowned. Why wouldn’t he leave? I wanted Daniel to take me to the cemetery, so I could visit Angel’s grave, and our parents’. I hadn’t been to the cemetery for years, and could only vaguely remember going there on a couple of occasions with Bill and Joyce at my back, controlling where I went. No doubt they’d been trying to stop me from spotting Angel’s grave. But that was going to change. I would find Angel and say goodbye. Maybe then the dreams would stop for good.

  I entered the lounge. Nick stood in the middle of the room, a sympathetic look in his eyes. Daniel was nowhere in sight, though I could hear him talking to someone.

  ‘Dan’s outside, on the phone to your parents,’ said Nick.

  Anger filled me. ‘They’re not my parents. They’re my aunt and uncle.’

  ‘I thought they adopted you?’

  ‘It takes more than a piece of paper to be parents.’

  ‘I can’t blame you for being pissed off with them. Guess I’d feel the same if I suddenly discovered I had a twin that they’d never told me about.’

  A chill swept over me and I gasped. ‘Daniel told you?’

  ‘He needed someone to talk to, and maybe you can cut him some slack. He’s having a hard time dealing with it himself. Still thinks it’s his fault your sister died.’

  Just then, Daniel walked into the lounge, phone in his hand. ‘Mum and Dad want to talk to you,’ he said, holding the phone out.

  I took the phone off him, hit the End Call button and then threw it on the floor. ‘They can go to Hell, and so can you. I can’t believe you told him about Angel. It took you fifteen years to tell me the truth, and only then because I found the photo of us as kids. You’ve known him for what, five minutes, and you tell him everything.’

  Daniel didn’t even look at me as he scooped his phone off the floor and inspected it for damage.

  ‘Give me your keys.’ I held out my hand.

  ‘What?’

  ‘I’m going to the cemetery, so give me your keys.’

  ‘No way. You’re not driving my car. You just broke my phone.’ He held it up to display a cracked screen.

  ‘I don’t care about your stupid phone. I just want to see Angel, to say goodbye, properly.’ Tears pricked my eyes.

  The anger left Daniel’s face, and he rubbed a hand over his chin. ‘I’ll drive you.’

  Nick shook his head. ‘Not a good idea. You had a shitload of drinks last night. You’ll still be over the limit. I’ll drive.’

  I glared at him. ‘I can drive myself. I don’t need either of you to come with me.’

  ‘You are not going alone, and we can’t take my car. It’s been playing up. I’ve got it booked in to the mechanic,’ said Daniel as he checked his watch, ‘shit, fifteen minutes.’ He rubbed his chin again. ‘Nick, can you follow Andie and me to the mechanic, and then take us to the cemetery?’

  ‘No problem.’

  I frowned. I did not want this virtual stranger along on what was going to be an emotional event, but there didn’t seem to be another choice. I did my best to ignore him as I waited for Daniel to get dressed, tapping my feet all the while.

  ‘Finally,’ I said as I snatched the keys out of Daniel’s hand and marched out of the flat.

  Neither Daniel nor I spoke in the car on the way to the mechanic’s, yet words hovered in the air around us. As I drove, I sneaked glances his way but, with his sunglasses blocking his eyes, I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. My own thoughts were a tangled mess. Guilt over forgetting about Angel warred with anger at being lied to.
I was also starting to feel guilty about how I’d been treating Daniel.

  He’d only been seven when the fire had ripped through our home and destroyed our family, and then he’d been manipulated by Bill and Joyce into lying about it. They’d told him that keeping the truth from me was for the best, that the doctors had advised it. A seven-year-old wouldn’t have known how wrong that reasoning was, and after fifteen years of living the lie it had become a way of life. Maybe the truth would set him free too.

  I pulled into the mechanic’s car park and waited with Nick while Daniel went inside to hand over the keys and explain what the problem was. Minutes later, I sat in the back seat of Nick’s car, behind Daniel, staring out the window as I steeled myself for coming face to face with my past.

  3

  At the cemetery, Daniel led the way through the manicured lawns, plots evenly spaced over the grounds. Large leafy trees offered protection from the harsh sun, while shrubs with flowers provided splashes of colour amongst the grey headstones. I glanced at them as I walked passed, taking in the ornaments, cards and flowers that people had decorated some of the graves with. I’d have to come back, with something for Angel, something that symbolised the bond between twins.

  Daniel pointed ahead. ‘That’s where Mum and Dad are buried, but I’m not sure where Angel is.’

  I crouched in front of our parents’ simple headstone. All it gave was their names and their dates of birth and death. Weeds had sprung up and obscured the bottom of the headstone and I brushed them aside, searching for Angel’s name. Instead I found blank stone.

  I stood and shaded my eyes as I scanned the headstones nearby. ‘Where would she be?’

  ‘Not sure. But maybe they have a record up at the office.’

  We’d passed a small office on our way in. We trudged back that way, and I was pleased to see it was open on a Saturday morning. I stepped inside, Nick and Daniel at my back, and smiled at the middle aged woman sitting behind the counter.

  ‘Can I help you?’

  ‘Yes, please, we’re looking for the grave of Angela Sherman.’ I gave the woman the relevant dates.