by E. L. Todd
Even though she had an English exam on Monday, she didn’t study. For the first time, she didn’t care about school. The one thing that actually mattered to her was now gone. Every time she thought about telling Henry the truth so she could try to get Coen back, she imagined the hurt on Henry’s face. He had been in love with her for two years. She couldn’t do that to him. To spare him any pain, she would suffer in his stead. She just wished she didn’t have to lose something so important to shelter him.
When Monday arrived, she went to class but Coen completely ignored her, just as she suspected. Her friends noticed her quiet attitude, but whenever they asked about it, she said she was still sick. When they ate in the cafeteria, Coen was nowhere in sight. She took her English exam but she was pretty certain she failed it. When she didn’t feel stressed about it, she knew she had hit rock bottom.
After her classes were over, she walked to the library, feeling her heart thud in her chest. She wasn’t sure what to say to Coen. She wasn’t sure what he would say to her. When she walked into the study room, it was empty. She suspected he wouldn’t come but she hoped he would. She was sadly mistaken.
An hour later, she walked to her car then left for the gym. She was certain she would see him there. He couldn’t ditch a client and he couldn’t call in sick to work every day. She changed then walked into the room, but she was disappointed to find a man she had never seen before.
“Where’s Coen?” she asked without saying hello, being completely rude.
“His schedule changed so I’ll be training you.” He smiled as he walked to her and shook her hand. “Don’t worry. I’m perfectly qualified to train you.”
“I want Coen,” she blurted.
His smile faded. “I’m sorry. I’m the best we have.”
She put her bag down and they got to work. During the session, she gave everything in her punches and her kicks, trying to hurt her trainer as much as possible. When he was surprised by her ferocity, he increased his movement, hitting her a few times. The blows hurt but she wanted to feel the pain. After hurting Coen like that, she deserved to suffer. Perhaps if she was in enough pain, she could sleep at night. Nightmares plagued her dreams, and not ones about her father and stepfather. But ones about Coen.
When she finished for the day, she went home. She was irritated to see Henry’s car in the driveway.
“Hey,” he said as he rose from the porch.
“I’m not feeling well,” she said automatically.
“Then why did you go to the gym?”
“Just go, Henry,” she snapped.
He grabbed her arm. “We tell each other everything. What’s wrong, Sydney? You’ve been weird since Friday.”
“I just want to be alone,” she said without looking at him. “Please go away.”
“You’re scaring me.”
She said nothing.
“Did I do something?”
“Of course not,” she said quietly. “I...I just want to be alone.”
He released his hold. “I’m here if you need me.”
“I know, Henry.”
“I hope you feel better.”
“Yeah.” She walked in the house then slammed the door behind her. She raided her cabinets until she found some leftover tequila. She drank it straight from the bottle until her mind felt fuzzy. When she felt on the verge of being totally drunk, she crawled in bed and went to sleep. When she didn’t wake up until the following morning, she was relieved. The alcohol stopped the nightmares.
At school, she repeated the same cycle. She only saw Coen in zoology and he acted like she didn’t exist. Henry sat beside her while Nancy was on the other side, but she felt alone and afraid. When Aaron cheated on her, it broke her heart, but it was nothing compared to this. She knew it was entirely her fault. She chose this path. If she put herself before Henry, then she wouldn’t be in pain, but that was something she couldn’t do.
When they had lunch, Henry bought her some vegetarian pizza and set it before her. “Please eat something,” he whispered.
“I’m not hungry,” she said, blinking back tears. Everything hurt all the time.
Nancy looked at her, concern in her eyes. “What’s going on with you?”
“I...I’m just stressed out,” she said as she hid her face.
Henry moved to the chair beside her and wrapped his arm around her shoulder, holding her to him. “Please tell us.”
“No.”
“I’m coming over tonight.”
“Leave me alone.”
“No.”
She moved away from him and grabbed her stuff. “Leave me alone,” she said as she walked out. Neither of her friends followed her. Tears fell down her cheeks as she walked across the cafeteria. Her heart fell when she saw Coen sitting with his friends, laughing. When his eyes fell on her, he quickly looked away. Her obvious despair meant nothing to him.
She ditched her last class and just went home. Since she hadn’t eaten anything for a few days, she forced herself to snack on crackers in her pantry. She was afraid if she didn’t eat, she would die. She drank some water then reached for more tequila. When she realized she had to go to work, she put it down then walked out the door.
Work was the highlight of her week. Having something to distract her mind from the reality of her pain was appreciated. She just cleaned the tanks and took care of the animals, feeding them and changing their boxes. She stopped by to see Rose and cried her heart out while the dolphin wailed, saddened by her friend’s despair.
When she got home, Henry, Nancy, Derek, and Laura were all waiting for her. Instead of dealing with them, she backed out of the driveway and took off. They jumped in their cars to follow her, but she evaded their pursuit and parked her car in a parking lot near the ocean. She lay down and stared at the stars until some unearthly hour. When she returned, Henry was still outside, sleeping with his back against her front door.
She walked up the stairs then nudged him to the side. He remained asleep as she walked inside and locked the door behind her. She drank herself to sleep and collapsed on her bed. She didn’t wake up because she didn’t set an alarm, so when she opened her eyes, it was already noon. She turned on her side and went back to sleep.
A loud knocking on the door made her flinch. She pulled the blankets tighter then closed her eyes. She vaguely heard the door open and someone walk inside. If it was a burglar, she didn’t care. They could take whatever they wanted. When her bedroom door opened, she heard someone walk inside. She still didn’t turn around.
The bed dipped as someone lay beside her.
“Who is it?” she asked quietly.
“Someone who is very scared for you,” Henry said.
“Please leave me alone.”
“No.”
“I don’t feel like hanging out.”
“That’s fine.” He lay on his back and looked up at the ceiling. “I brought veggie tacos from that place you like.”
Her stomach growled even though she wasn’t hungry.
“Come on. Eat with me,” he said as he nudged her. “I know you haven’t been healthy. You’ve already lost like five pounds.”
“That isn’t possible.”
“Well, you look thin.”
“Please leave, Henry.”
He stood up then pulled her out of bed. “I’m not taking no for an answer.”
“Fuck you.”
His eyes widened. “Sydney, tell me what the hell happened.”
“Just go,” she said as she started to cry.
He wrapped her in his arms. “I can’t leave you like this.”
“I don’t want you here.”
“Too bad.”
He kissed her on the forehead then under her eye. He had never kissed her before and she wasn’t sure how she felt about it. She was too depressed to care, but at the same time, it reminded her of Coen, which made her feel even worse.
“Come on, Syd.” He picked her up then carried her to the kitchen table. The food was already la
id out on plates. “Please eat—for me.”
She sighed then grabbed a taco and shoved it into her mouth.
He breathed a sigh of relief and started to eat his burrito.
They said nothing as they sat together. Sydney ate her food slowly, chewing every bite until it was completely disintegrated. She hadn’t eaten a meal in so long that she forgot how. Henry glanced at her with worried expressions every few seconds, making sure she was eating.
She finished one taco then pushed the other two away. “Thank you.”
“You can’t eat anymore?”
“Not without throwing up.” She left the table and returned to her bedroom. She closed the door behind her and he didn’t follow her. When she heard the television, she knew he was still in the house. As long as he wasn’t bothering her, she didn’t care.
When she fell asleep, the nightmares returned. Coen was with Audrey, having sex with her in Sydney’s bed. It broke her heart and made her break down in tears, screaming hysterically.
Henry burst through the door then woke her up. His presence didn’t comfort her like Coen’s did, but it was enough to pull her from the nightmare. He lay beside her and wrapped her in his arms. She stared at the wall without saying anything, wishing that Coen was there. If he was, the nightmare wouldn’t have happened to begin with.
She didn’t go to school the next day and neither did Henry. He made her breakfast then forced her to eat it at the table. Even though she was depressed, she appreciated everything Henry did for her that week. She had been a bitch to him and she knew it.
“I’m sorry about how I’ve been acting.”
He washed his hands and came back to her. “You don’t need to apologize.”
“Why are you so sweet to me? I don’t deserve it.”
“I love you,” he said as he looked her in the eye. “I always will.”
She looked away.
He grabbed her hand and pulled her to a stand. “Let’s go to the beach.”
“I don’t feel like swimming.”
“That’s fine. You need some fresh air.” He grabbed a blanket then pulled her out the front door. They walked to the beach and he laid the blanket on the sand. He helped her sit down before he sat next to her.
The waves crashed against the shore and resonated with her beating heart. The sun was disappearing over the horizon, making the sky shine with different colors. A single star could be seen in the sky. The light breeze ran through her strands of hair and pulled them from her face. This was the best she felt all week. She lay down and stared straight up.
“Thanks for bringing me out here.”
He lay beside her, holding her hand in his. “I knew it would make you feel better.”
“You know me so well.”
“Better than anyone,” he said as he sat up and looked down at her.
“I know.”
He leaned toward her face. “Are you ready to talk about it?”
“No.”
“I really wish you would tell me.”
“Please drop it.”
“Okay.” He continued to stare at her, sadness in his eyes. He leaned farther over her. “Even when you cry, you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”
“I can’t believe you said that after I’ve been so rude to you.”
He shrugged. “It’s nice not having to lie anymore. I always wanted to tell you that I love you. It’s nice to finally get it off my chest.” He looked at her lips then back at her eyes. She knew what he was thinking. “And I’ve always wanted to do this.” He pressed his lips against hers and held them there, not moving. After a second, his lips caressed hers and she reciprocated. She didn’t want to reject his attempt at kissing her, breaking his heart even more, so she let him be. Henry was actually a very good kisser. When he slipped his tongue into her mouth, a part of her enjoyed it, but then Coen came into her mind. They weren’t together anymore and that knowledge crippled her. She missed kissing him, feeling his lips while they lay in her bed. She missed feeling his body on top of hers. His hands made her tremble with just the slightest touch. The thought of him brought her to tears.
Henry pulled away, anguish on his face. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. It won’t happen again.”
“It’s not you,” she said quickly, wiping her tears away. “I’m sorry.”
He looked down at her. “Please tell me what’s bothering you. I don’t even know what to do to help you.”
“No.”
“Do I have to beg? I will.”
She clutched her body and tried to breathe through the pain. “I’m in love with Coen.” His eyes widened but he said nothing. “We’ve been together for a month but when you told me how you felt about me, I couldn’t tell you the truth—that I loved him. I didn’t want to cause you any more pain because I love you so much. You’re my family.” She wiped her tears away and caught her breath. “When I refused to tell you about us, Coen got tired of being kept a secret. He felt like I didn’t care about him enough to tell everyone I know that we were together—including you. The party was my last chance but I still couldn’t do that to you.”
Henry looked away then ran his fingers through his hair. He said nothing, staring out across the ocean. Sydney knew she just broke his heart. Suddenly, he stood up and marched back to his car. She followed behind him until she caught up to him.
“Henry, I’m so sorry.”
“Now that you told me the truth, can you get back together?”
She wasn’t expecting that question. “He won’t take me back,” she said through her tears. “I lost him forever.”
“You chose me over him?”
“You’re my family.”
He nodded then walked to his car.
“Where are you going?”
He said nothing as he slammed the door closed. He drove out of the driveway and disappeared. Now she lost two of the people she loved most in the world. She had no idea how Henry was taking the news. When he tried to kiss her, she broke down in tears. That was scarring enough. Now she broke his heart and Coen’s. All she did was hurt the people she loved—over and over.
17
Sydney sat in the living room and stared at the wall for a long time. She’d lost everything she cared about. What was left? When the knock sounded on the door, she flinched. Since she was so curious about who could be visiting her, she decided to answer it. It obviously wasn’t Henry or Coen.
When she opened the door, Henry walked inside and shut it behind him before she could even blink.
“Can I talk to you for a second?”
“Yeah,” she said weakly.
He took her hand and guided her to the living room. When they sat down, he squeezed her hand and stared at it. “Sydney, I love you so much.”
“I love you too.”
“But I’m really hurt by what you did.”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let you kiss me. That was my fault.”
“That isn’t what I meant. You shouldn’t have hid Coen from me like that.”
“I was just trying to protect you.”
“I know. I understand that.” He looked at her. “But this has caused me so much more pain than what you tried to spare me from.”
“What?”
“I can’t believe you did this to yourself. You are in love with this guy so you should be with him, not me.” Her eyes softened when she looked at him. “It’s okay, Sydney. I’ll be okay.”
“It doesn’t matter now anyway.”
“I want you to be happy, not miserable. Seeing you practically dead this week was the worst pain I’ve ever endured. I would much rather see you with someone else, happy that you found the person you love. I’m not gonna lie. I wish it was me, but it’s okay that it’s not. You never should have put my happiness before your own.”
She felt the tears fall. “You’re so sweet to me.”
“If the situation was reversed, you would feel the same way.”
She nodded, k
nowing he was right.
“Are we okay?”
“I’m sorry about everything.”
“Please don’t lie to me like that ever again.”
“I won’t,” she said quickly.
“I’m very happy for you,” he said as he squeezed her hand.
“What do you mean?”
“I’m happy for you two.”
“We aren’t together anymore.”
“Come with me.” He pulled her to a stand and led her to the front door. He walked outside then stepped out of the way, moving to the side of the porch. She looked at Henry then spotted the other figure standing in the dirt. Coen had his hands in his pockets as he stared at her, a smile on his face.
“Coen?” she asked.
He walked up the steps and grabbed her face. “Baby?”
More tears started to fall. “I’m so sorry about everything.”
“I forgive you.”
“You shouldn’t.”
“You told him about me. That’s enough for me.” He rubbed his nose against hers. “And he told me what you said.” She stared at him, her eyes wide. “That you’re in love with me.”
“I am.”
“I’m in love with you too.”
She breathed a sigh of relief. “I thought I lost you.”
“You never could.”
“But you left me.”
“I was waiting for you, hoping you would just be honest with him. Now that I know you told him, I know you’re serious about me. I know that you love me.”
“I love you so much.”
“I know you do.”
She wrapped her arms around his neck and held him close. “Please don’t ever leave me again. I wouldn’t survive.”
“I won’t. I’m yours.”
Henry averted his gaze then walked toward his car without saying goodbye. Sydney broke from Coen’s embrace then followed him.
“Henry?”
“Yeah?” he said without turning out.
“I love you.”
He took a deep breath. “I love you too.”
“Thank you so much.”
He played with his keys in his hands. “I want you to be happy.”
Coen came beside her. “He’s a good guy. I’m glad that he’s your best friend.”
