by E. L. Todd
“Hey,” he said as he looked at her. “Don’t be sad.”
“Maybe we should stop talking, Henry. I feel like I’m being selfish.”
“How?”
“How are you supposed to get over me if we’re still best friends? You see me every day. It’s never going to work.”
“No. It’ll be fine. I don’t want to risk this friendship. I value it. Please don’t think like that. If you stopped talking to me, it would only hurt more.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes,” he said with smile. It was weak but he tried anyway. He leaned back in his chair. “Let’s talk about something else.”
“Okay.”
“What’s up with Coen?”
Her heart fell. “What do you mean?”
“I think he’s into you.”
“What? Why?”
“He’s always around now. He came out of nowhere. And he always stares at you. He tries to be discreet about it but I’ve noticed it.”
“He’s just a friend. After I started tutoring him, we just got closer.”
Henry’s eyes widened. “What do you mean by that?”
“I just mean I don’t think he’s an asshole anymore.”
He nodded. “Okay. So you aren’t into him?”
She was backed into a corner. She hated lying to Henry. She loved him and didn’t want to hurt him, but on the other hand, she was hurting Coen, her boyfriend. This would be so much easier if she never found out about Henry’s feelings.
Henry leaned back in his chair, worry plagued on his face. “Sydney?”
“No,” she said quickly. “I’m not.”
He breathed a sigh of relief. He tried to hide his obvious happiness but he was failing miserably. Sydney knew she couldn’t tell him the truth. It would cripple him. She would have to wait until he started dating before she even considered it. She knew Coen wouldn’t be happy about that. But he would wait like he promised.
After they paid the tab, they left for campus in their separate cars. Coen was already sitting in his car in the parking lot, waiting for her. He tried to act inconspicuous when he approached them.
“Hey. Thank god it’s Friday,” he said.
“I know,” she said with a smile. She couldn’t stop her lips from stretching across her face. Coen made her so happy. She wanted to kiss him, press his body next to hers, but she had to bottle all those feelings inside. It was becoming harder by the day. When she looked into his eyes, she saw the same expression.
Henry nodded but said nothing.
The three of them walked to their first class and took their seats. The lecture dragged on forever. Sydney tried to concentrate but she kept fantasizing about Coen making love to her. They had been together for a few weeks and she was ready to move their relationship to the next level. It was hard to see him naked and not want him. He must’ve felt the same way. He said they would wait until she told Henry but she didn’t know if she could wait that long. After she told him about her father, she knew he was the right person for her. That was a secret she had kept to herself for years. The feelings she had for Coen were powerful and unbreakable. She wanted to feel him inside of her.
She finished the rest of her classes with Henry right beside her. He was quiet for most of the day, avoiding her look and not being talkative. Since she knew he was in so much pain, she respected his silence. A part of her was angry that Henry was so in love with her because it halted her relationship with Coen, but she also felt angry toward herself. She must have led him on without realizing it.
When she finally walked into the library to tutor Coen, she was so relieved. She wanted to be with him, kiss his lips and feel his skin. Acting indifferent to him all day was pure torture. When she walked inside, he looked up at her.
“Can we go to my place?” she asked.
“What’s wrong with the library?”
“If we’re going to study, why don’t we do it at my place?” She sat on his lap and immediately felt his boner spring to life. “And we aren’t even going to be studying so what’s the point of staying here?”
“At least we know we won’t get out of control here.”
“I want to get out of control.”
He stared at her for a moment. “Did you tell Henry?”
She sighed. “No.”
“Then my answer is no.”
“I want to go home anyway.”
“Why?”
“I want to fool around.”
“That sounds tempting.”
“Let’s get it out of our system before the party.”
“Why? Because you’re going to ignore me the entire time?” The anger in his voice was palpable. She knew his patience about their secret relationship was waning.
“Do you want to come or not?”
“I can jerk off at home.”
“Why are you being an ass right now?”
He sighed. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m just sick of lying to everyone.”
“I know,” she said as she cupped his cheeks. “Just a little while longer.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
“Okay. Let’s go.”
They left the library and walked to the parking lot. After an innocent kiss, they drove back to her shack near the beach. As soon as they left their cars and walked inside, Sydney felt the arousal course through her. Ever since she opened up to him, she felt a stronger connection to Coen. She wanted to be with him, share her soul with his. It was so powerful she felt herself shake. She wanted Coen not just for now, but forever.
She wrapped his arms around his neck and pressed her forehead against his. “Make love to me, Coen.”
He kissed her neck then her lips, igniting her in a blast of heat. “I would love to, baby." He guided her down the hall then entered the bedroom, shutting the door behind him. He grabbed her shirt then pulled it from her body.
Sydney felt her heart accelerate as she realized they were really doing this. She wanted him so bad she thought she would scream. It felt right with him, different than with Aaron. As far as she was concerned, Aaron never happened. It was only Coen. It had always been him. Her desire for him wasn’t just for lust. She wanted to feel him inside her, commit to him in a deeper way. Her heart hammered in her chest for him. There was no one else in the world she wanted more. She grabbed his shirt and pulled it off, admiring the muscles of his chest. With steady hands, she unbuttoned his jeans and pulled them down, taking his underwear with them. When she saw his cock, she moaned. It was bigger than any other she had seen. She knew it was going to be a tight fit, but she looked forward to trying to take him.
Coen unclasped her bra then removed her jeans and underwear. He stood in front of her then pressed himself against her, placing his erection against her stomach.
She dug her fingers into his hair and kissed him as she lay down on the bed. When he followed her, she wrapped her legs around his waist. Her hands ran wild over his body, feeling every inch of his skin. He was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. His soul was even more beautiful. When she looked into his blue eyes, she saw everything she cherished.
He ran his fingers though her hair as he pressed his lips against hers. The touch was gentle and loving then it ignited in deep passion. She grabbed his shoulders and tilted her hips closer to him, wanting him to enter her. Her pussy was so wet she didn’t need any further stimulation. She was never more sure of anything in her life than she was of Coen.
He pressed his tip against her entrance but didn’t move inside.
She scratched her nails down his back, eager to feel him within her.
He continued to kiss her but didn’t make the final plunge. The wait was killing her. She thought she would come just from feeling his head.
“Coen,” she said into his mouth. She pulled his hips toward her but he didn’t move. “I want you inside me.”
“You do?”
“God, yes. I’ve wanted you forever. You mean everything to me.�
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“I do?”
“Of course.”
He stopped kissing her then grabbed her phone from the nightstand. His voice came out serious. “Then tell him the truth.”
She leaned back and looked at him. He was holding the phone in her face. “What?”
“The sooner you tell him, the sooner I’ll make love to you. Now make the call.”
“I told you he isn’t ready yet.”
“Then I’m not ready.”
“You’re being unfair.”
“I told you we wouldn’t have sex until he knew the truth. So, now you need to uphold your end of the deal.”
“I will tell him. I promise.”
“That’s not enough.”
“I can’t wait any longer. Coen, I want you. I—I—”
“What?” he asked. “You what?”
“I...I want to be with you. I want to feel that connection with you. The way I feel about you is different than anything I’ve ever experienced. Please don’t make me wait.”
“You’re the one making us wait. I’ve been a one-night stand to so many girls. They just fuck me because they know I’ll get them off. I want to be with someone who wants to commit to me. You won’t even tell anyone about me. How do I know you aren’t just going to hurt me?”
“I would never do that. You know how I feel about you.”
“Do I? If you really wanted to be with me, you would tell Henry.”
“He’s my family. Why don’t you understand that?”
“It’s been weeks, Syd. It’s time to tell him. If he’s really your friend, he’ll still be around.”
“I don’t want to hurt him.”
“Well, you’re hurting me. I hate for it to come to his, but it’s him or me, Syd. You keep your boyfriend or you keep your friend.”
“Please don’t do this to me.”
“I’ve been very patient, but I’m not doing it anymore. He’s always going to be in pain over you. I’m not gonna wait forever. If you respect me, you’ll do this for me.”
“He’s everything to me.”
“And what am I? I thought I was.”
“Of course you are.”
“I’m not asking you to stop being best friends with him. I’m just asking you to publicly recognize me as your boyfriend. I can’t sleep with you without that guarantee. I don’t want to get hurt again.”
“I’ll never hurt you. You can trust me.”
“You are hurting me now.”
“Coen—”
“Sydney, I admire your loyalty to those you love, but this is bullshit. His feelings aren’t your problem and you shouldn’t suffer for it. I know the guy loves you so he will understand the truth. He wants you to be happy, even if it isn’t with him.”
She said nothing, staring into his blue eyes. She didn’t know what to say. It was either hurt Coen or hurt Henry. She wished the situation was different.
Coen returned his phone to the nightstand. “I’ll give you some time to think about it.” He got off the bed and dressed himself.
“Please don’t go,” she begged.
“Give me your answer tonight at the party. That’s plenty of time for you to make your final decision.”
She got up and wrapped her arms around him. “Coen, stay with me.”
“No.”
“Please.”
“I’ve been more than patient and more than understanding about the whole thing. It’s your turn to make a compromise.” He walked to the front door and she trailed behind him. “I’ll see you later.”
“Coen?”
“What?”
“Please don’t do this.”
His eyes dimmed, full of pain. “You’ve already made your decision.” He got into his car then drove out of the driveway.
Sydney stood there, paralyzed. Tears spilled from her eyes as she stood on her porch completely naked. She waited for him to come back but he never did. When she called him, he didn’t answer. She didn’t know where he lived so she couldn’t follow him. She had to wait until the party.
She walked back inside and sat on her bed, still crying. Perhaps she should just tell Henry the truth. Even though it would hurt him, he wouldn’t want her to be unhappy. If Henry loved her as much as he said he did, he would want her to be with Coen. She knew he would. She wiped her tears away then got dressed, wondering what to say to Henry. How she should tell him the truth. Nothing came to mind.
Henry arrived at the door an hour later. She took a deep breath before she opened it. He was wearing jeans and a plain shirt. His brown hair was slightly shorter than usual.
“Did you get a haircut?” she asked.
“Thanks for noticing,” he said with a smile. He stared at her tan legs under her shorts and her tight fitting shirt. “You look lovely.”
“Thanks.”
“Are you ready to go?”
“Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something.”
His smile dropped. “I really don’t think I can take anymore, Sydney,” he said quietly.
“What?”
“I know you don’t want to be with me. I get it. Please stop reminding me.”
She sighed. This was going to be even harder than she thought.
“Let me try to move on without talking about it ever again. When you find someone you want to be with, it’s going to kill me, and I want to be as over you as possible when that time comes. Imagining you with someone else makes me want to gag. I’m sorry for being so selfish but it does. I just couldn’t handle it.”
She bowed her head. How could she tell him that she already moved on with someone else? He was barely holding himself together as it was. Could she hurt him like that just so she could have what she wanted? She didn’t want to be a selfish person and that sounded innately selfish.
“Are you ready to go?”
She swallowed the lump in her throat and stopped the tears from falling. “Yeah.” Now she couldn’t have Coen, the man she wanted. She was really going to lose him.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“I’m fine.”
He stared at her for a long moment. “You seem sad.”
“Just tired,” she lied.
“Okay.” He walked out the door and she followed behind him.
When they got inside the car, she stared out the passenger window, wishing she would just have a heart attack and go to the hospital instead. Then she wouldn’t have to go to the party and Coen would be so worried about her that he would drop the Henry issue. She twisted her hands in her lap as her heart accelerated. They were approaching the house and she had nowhere to hide. How could she live without Coen?”
When Henry parked the car, she didn’t move from her seat. Coen’s car was parked a few feet away. He was already here.
“Are you sure you’re alright?” he asked.
“Uh, yeah.” She opened the door and got out.
The music could be heard from everywhere around the block. People were smoking outside, a couple was making out against a truck, and a few people were drinking on the front lawn. They walked inside and moved through the crowd of people. People were dancing in the middle of the room, wasted. Henry walked to the back of the house then walked through the back door. People were swimming in the pool while someone barbequed. Sydney scanned the area for Coen but didn’t see him anywhere.
“Hey,” Laura said as she hugged her. “You look great.”
“You too,” Sydney said without looking at her.
“I’m so glad this party is at night. I hate wearing sunblock. It makes me break out.”
“Totally,” Sydney said without thinking.
Nancy nudged her in the arm. “You look like someone just died.”
Henry looked at Nancy. “I thought the same thing.”
“I’m just tired,” she said automatically.
“Well, stop being tired,” Laura said.
“Okay,” Sydney said.
Derek handed Henry a beer. “About time you got here.”
“I had to get gas,” he answered.
Sydney crossed her arms over her waist and zoned out. Her friends kept talking but she didn’t listen to anything they said. Her thoughts were on Coen. What was she supposed to do? Could she hurt her best friend like that? Could she lose Coen? Everything was so perfect and now it was totally destroyed.
She felt an arm brush her shoulder and she looked up, seeing Coen’s face close to hers. Everyone in the circle stopped talking as they watched Coen leaned toward Sydney. His lips were very close to hers, but he said nothing. He stared into her eyes, waiting for her to make her decision.
Sydney knew she had to kiss him in front of Henry if she wanted to keep him, or at least embrace him in some way. Coen kept his eyes glued to hers as he waited for her to make up her mind. She felt Henry stare at her and that stopped her movement. He was her family. She couldn’t do that to him, at least not yet. She turned her head away and broke their eye contact.
Coen didn’t move for a second. When she looked back at him, she saw the coat of tears in his eyes. Red started to form on his skin. This was agony. The sight brought tears to her eyes. Before she could speak, Coen leaned toward her ear. “Goodbye, Sydney.” He left and went back in the house, leaving her completely alone. Her friends were gathered around her, looking at her with confused expressions on their faces. People laughed as the cook flipped a burger patty into the air. The pool water reached over the edge, getting their feet wet. But she didn’t notice any of that. All she felt was hollow and empty, as if all the lights from the stars had been sucked away, leaving her universe dark and cold.
16
She did nothing that weekend, just stayed in bed, staring at the ceiling. She called Coen a few times but his phone was off. He obviously didn’t want to speak to her. Since Henry knew her better than anyone, he knew she was distressed about something. Every time he came by the house, she told him to leave because she had the flu. When he returned with soup, she closed the door in his face then tossed the cup in the garbage. Her appetite was gone. She was dehydrated from all the fluid lost from her tears. She didn’t bother to drink anymore because she just didn’t feel like it.
