Once again the inappropriate twang of jealousy tugged at me. She had been carrying his child. I had never considered having a family, but the fact that he was so excited about the prospect made my selfish pain much worse. I mentally slapped myself. This isn’t about me, for God’s sake. He’s blaming himself for what happened, and he shouldn’t. “Hey, shhh. No, no, it’s not your fault, Cain. It’s really not.”
He lowered his head and shook it with vehement determination. “But she slipped and fell down the stairs. There was no carpet yet, and she hit her head. I found her lying there…. I want to forget again, Kelly, I can’t live with this shit in my head. I can’t live knowing that I killed her.”
I gripped his face in my palms and forced him to meet my gaze. “You did not kill her, Cain. It was a tragic accident. But that’s all it was… an accident. You didn’t kill her. Please don’t blame yourself.”
“And now someone has Rosa. They’ll kill her and it’ll be my fault too. I need to go home. I have to go home.”
I loosened my hands until I was tenderly cupping his damp face, and I asked the question which, once answered, I knew would break me. “Cain… do you remember where home is?”
He nodded. “Home… home is Utah.”
My heart plummeted in my chest.
It really was over.
Chapter Nineteen
Kelly
The following day—with my annual leave postponed—I sat at my computer, searching the Internet for anything I could find that would tell me if what Cain had dreamed and remembered was true.
Sadly, I found what I needed. A newspaper article in the Salt Lake City Mail confirmed that one year earlier, his girlfriend, Melody Johnson, had died at number 4 Rose Acres, Alpine.
Melody Simone Johnson, resident of Rose Acres since birth, died July 1st, aged 24 years, after falling down a wooden staircase at a home she had just leased with her partner, Cain Somers. Sadly, it was discovered that Miss Johnson was ten weeks pregnant at the time of her death. It is said that Mr. Somers and his sister were inconsolable at the funeral, which was attended by over three hundred motorcyclists, mainly Company of Sinners MC, where Miss Johnson and her partner were members. Whilst CoSMC (aka Cosmic), are not renowned for their peaceable relationships in the area, it is said that they handled themselves with aplomb as they bid farewell to their sister.
Cosmic… the tattoo on his arm…
I clicked on a link that accompanied the archived article, and it brought up a photograph which made me gasp and cover my mouth. The likeness between myself and the pretty, smiling, green-eyed woman looking back at me was eerie to say the least. Her hair and eyes were almost identical to my own, and I clutched at my chest as tears spilled over onto my cheeks. Realisation hitting once more.
There was a knock at the door, and I swiped the tears from my face before calling, “Come in.”
Patty appeared in the doorway. “Hi, hon. I just wanted to check in on you. Are you okay? I brought you some tea.” She placed the steaming mug on my desk and twisted her hands uneasily in front of her.
“Hi, Patty. Yes… I’m fine. Just been trying to confirm the memories that Cain has regained. It appears he was right. He lost his child and girlfriend just over a year ago now.”
“Oh, poor wee lamb. How awful.”
“I know. It’s like he’s experiencing it for the first time all over again.”
“Are you going to take your leave, Kelly?”
“No… not right now. Cain needs me. I need to be here.”
“Look, I’m going to say something, and I know you won’t like it. But I’ve seen this happen to doctors before, and it never ends well… You are becoming personally involved in Cain’s case. I know you feel some kind of responsibility, but it’s not your situation to worry about, hon. You’ll make yourself ill if you get so attached to your patients. It’s not healthy for you.”
Rather than getting angry and shouting at her, I nodded. “Thank you for your concern. I do appreciate it. But you really don’t need to worry. I’ll be fine.”
She nodded with what seemed to be reluctance and left the office. There was absolutely no way I was taking leave. I had to be close by in case Cain needed me. He’d said before that I was the only one he trusted. I wasn’t about to let him down when he needed me the most.
But if I was honest with myself, that wasn’t my only reason.
Cain was on the verge of exiting my life forever, and so every single minute with him was precious. Okay, so things wouldn’t be the same as they had been. And maybe I was torturing myself by being so close, but I couldn’t bear the thought of being anywhere else. I told myself that I needed the time to get used to the fact that he would be leaving, but I was kidding myself. There would be no getting used to that fact.
I was becoming a psychologist’s nightmare. The fact that I was avoiding Clara’s phone calls and unwilling to discuss things with Esme wasn’t helping, and I knew this. But I needed to stay in my little bubble of denial.
“The sad thing is that even though you reminded me of someone I love… I know I really do love you.” His words continuously rattled around my head, and I clung onto them with every fibre of my being. The thought that his feelings may have changed now he knew the truth about Melody haunted me, but I pushed the intrusive niggles to the back of my mind.
He loved me.
He’d said so.
But oh my God, did that make it harder. Knowing that what we had shared hadn’t just been amazing, mind-blowing sex to him. The shattered potential of the whole situation cut me in two. And he would be leaving soon. He would go back to his life in Utah and concentrate on finding his sister whilst I remained here in the UK and faded into a distant memory.
It was too much.
In the days that followed, more of Cain’s memory returned bit by bit and, even after much protest, he had been handed over to another doctor. I was reluctant to let this happen, but it appeared that Patty hadn’t been the only one to realise I had gotten too attached to his case. Thankfully no one knew just how attached I had become. But my feelings for Cain had strengthened in vain. He was focused on getting back to the States, and I couldn’t help him with that. The police were still investigating the situation over there to ensure that he would be in no immediate danger once he did return.
All he cared about was finding his sister, understandably. After lots of Internet research on my part, I had failed to uncover anything about Rosa and her disappearance. It was as if someone had managed to sweep the whole situation under the carpet.
It was the beginning of December and the weather had been pretty cold. After a lot of insistence on my best friend’s part, Esme and I had been spending lots of time together, and she had been a wonderful support to me. It was a relief being able to talk openly about my feelings for Cain. She didn’t try to tell me that everything would work out. Nor did she tell me it was a lost cause even though it felt that way.
Cain and I hadn’t seen each other much at all. I had been carrying out visits to other mental health establishments and acting as a consultant too. My work was taking me away from the hospital quite a lot, and I was sure that it wasn’t by accident. When I did walk the corridors, Cain was often chatting to police officers or playing cards with the other patients, and I chose not to make a point of seeing him.
I had to think of my heart.
On one of the rare days when I was actually sitting in my office going through paperwork from one of my visits, there was a knock at the door. “Come in,” I called with my head down and attention focused on my work.
“Hey.”
I gasped at the familiar voice, and my heart rate picked up. I removed my glasses. “Cain, h-hi. How are you?”
He slipped his hands into his pockets. “Doing really good, actually. Thanks. How are you?”
Forcing a smile, I told him, “Oh… you know… busy as ever.” I twisted my fingers in my lap and felt the heat rise from my chest to my cheeks. He looked amazing. Hi
s hair was longer now, and his beard was trimmed short. He wore a long-sleeved grey T-shirt and faded black jeans. Clothes that had been donated to the department by local charities. But somehow, even in someone else’s castoffs, he looked sexier than ever. The grey of his T-shirt made the blue of his eyes even more vivid, and it clung to the ridges and striations of his abdomen. The intensity of his gaze sent a surge of electricity through my body, and my nipples grazed the lace of my bra. My clit began to ache as my body remembered how he had made me feel. He still affected me, there was no doubt about that. He glanced down at my lips and licked his own before shaking his head slightly.
Once his eyes were locked back on me, he nodded. “Good… good… It’s good to be busy.”
Things felt so strange between us. Sexual tension hung in the air between us, but the strain of his guilt for feeling that way was palpable, and that saddened me. “So, how are things going?”
“Well…” He stepped forward, and I gestured to the seat opposite my desk, determined to keep a professional distance between us. He sat and leaned to rest his elbows on his knees. “I’m leaving the hospital.”
“Oh?” My stomach dropped and my eyes widened. Why had no one mentioned this? “Are you going back home? To Utah?”
“Nah… not yet, anyways. They’re giving me a place to stay. An apartment in a kind of halfway house. They think I can manage there until it’s okay for me to go home. They… they think Rosa may be dead. The police, I mean.” He dropped his head forward, and my heart ached for him. All I wanted to do was to wrap my arms around him. But I couldn’t. “They haven’t been able to find any trace of her, Kelly.”
Hearing him say my name again made my heart skip, but the sadness in his voice was audible too. “Oh… I’m sure they will keep doing everything they can to find her.”
He shrugged. “Yeah… well, I’m not giving up, no matter what they say. She’s my flesh and blood. She’s all I have left in this world, and I owe it to her to do everything I can to get to her. To find her. She didn’t deserve any of this shit.”
“Oh, Cain. I know she didn’t. And deep down, I… I feel that you’ll find her.” Against my better judgement, I stood and walked around the desk, drawn to him like a moth to a flame. I sat on the edge of the desk and reached out to pat his shoulder. Such a lame and useless gesture, but it was all I dared to offer.
He stood and stepped toward me. Reaching up, he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and stroked my cheek with his thumb. “I miss talking to you.”
I avoided eye contact and instead looked at my nails, which were in need of a fresh manicure. “Me too. But… we’ve been through this, Cain. It was over before it started.”
Sadness emanated from his very being, and the heat from his body beckoned me toward him. Unable to stay away, I stood and slipped my hands up his arms, stopping at his muscular biceps. I slowly lifted my gaze to meet his and had to swallow down the emotion vying for escape.
He rested his forehead on mine, and his warm breath made my skin tingle. “God, I really do miss you. I miss everything about you. I miss just being around you, Kelly.”
A flood of heat rushed to my sex, and I pulled away, removing my hands from his body. “No… you don’t. You just think you do. It probably doesn’t help that I resemble Melody so much. Once you leave here, you’ll forget all about me.” I laughed, trying to make light of the situation.
He shook his head. “You don’t know what I feel inside. You don’t live in my head, Kelly… or my heart.” He leaned in and placed a tender kiss on my lips. “I’d better go. I’ll come to say goodbye before I leave.”
Unable to speak any more due to the tightening of my throat that trapped my voice, I just nodded. He stroked my cheek again, and after a look of deep regret, he turned and left the room.
I walked back around to my desk and slumped into my chair. Pulling out my cell phone from my bag, I scrolled through and found Esme’s number. She answered after one ring.
“Ez…” I sniffed as tears finally ran freely down my face. “I need you.”
I arrived home in a daze and unlocked the front door to my quaint little house. I frowned as I tried to recall the journey home. Things had descended into some kind of blurred reality since Cain announced that he was leaving the hospital. Once he was in the halfway house, it wouldn’t be long until he left the country, and then it would really be over. Although realistically, it already was.
I removed my coat and hung it in the hallway. The living room seemed cold, and so I flicked on the gas fire and the Christmas tree lights before pouring myself a large glass of red wine. I discarded my shoes and slumped onto the couch. The silence in the room was deafening, but I didn’t feel like watching TV. I knew I wouldn’t be able to concentrate. I watched the white lights as they flickered on and off, highlighting the gold, red, and green ornaments on the tree for a few moments, lost in another trance-like state. It would be Christmas alone again for me. Leaning over, I switched on my iPod in its docking station and scrolled through the track list.
I hit play and closed my eyes, imagining… Cain bursting in through the front door and finding me here. He had decided not to leave and told me how desperate he was to be inside me again. Of their own volition, my hands travelled down to my breasts, where I could feel my nipples straining at the fabric of my blouse. In my head it was Cain’s fingers toying and teasing me there. Making me wet with need and lust for him. Only him. I slipped my skirt up my thighs and parted my legs, remembering how good it had felt to have him rest the ridge of his cock against my clit. I slid my hand inside my panties and down into my dampness… Cain’s tongue flicked at my sensitive flesh, driving me crazy as he circled my sensitive nub of nerves before inserting his tongue into me with one fluid movement. I clenched my muscles and gasped at the sensation.
As I squeezed my nipple between my thumb and forefinger, I increased the speed of my fingers where they worked my clit… Cain’s long, thick fingers slipped in and out of me, spreading my arousal around and making me ready for him. And I was so ready. My belly began to tighten, and the pressure of my fingers increased until I almost soared over the edge, but I was determined to make this fantasy last. Slowing my movements, I pushed my blouse up and pulled one side of my bra down so that my breast was forced upward. I rolled my nipple around and moaned at the sheer pleasure that sparked throughout my body. Once again Cain’s tongue was at my centre. Licking and sucking at my clit. Make me come, Cain. I want to come for you. Only for you. My fingers increased in speed and pressure once more as the tightening became more and more intense. The sound of my heavy breathing echoed around the room and I spread my legs wider. I needed this. Needed him. Cain… Cain… An orgasm ripped through my body like rays of light and I kept moving my fingers… Cain’s tongue continued to roll and slide over my swollen clit as I repeated his name over and over and over.
The movement of my fingers began to slow… My breathing rate calmed… The throbbing of my clit decreased and once again I was lying alone on my couch as the emotion-filled voice of Lykke Li singing “Gunshot” filled the room. As she sang about how much she loved someone she had lost, my tears began to flow in earnest and my body was racked by violent sobs.
I had lost the one man I had ever felt a real emotional connection to. It was a doomed situation from the beginning. It was a love without hope and without foundation. And I doubted I would ever feel that way about anyone ever again.
Chapter Twenty
Cain
After a month or so of coming to terms with my returning memory and the loss of Melody and our baby, I had moved into a one-bedroom apartment in the city of Inverness. I no longer needed to be kept at the hospital at North Kessock and was no longer seen as a danger to myself despite my crazy outburst when I had realised all over again that Melody and our baby were gone. There was assessment after assessment. I saw many different doctors, and the cops interviewed me several times.
December in Scotland was fucking freezing. And
I didn’t feel particularly festive. Kelly and I had kept a professional distance, and I missed her like crazy. It wasn’t the sex. It was her friendship. The fact that she genuinely cared. The way she looked at me made my heart melt. And okay, I’d only made love to her properly once, but God, I missed that closeness.
Although my memory wasn’t fully restored, I did know that sex had been an important part of my life, and not having that connection with someone made me feel like half a man. Now that I was free of the hospitals constraints, I had considered going out to get laid to try to make myself feel better. But my heart wasn’t in it. My heart, was in fact, pissing me off, pining for a woman I’d lost forever whilst simultaneously racked with guilt for wanting another woman I couldn’t forget.
I hadn’t been cleared to return to the USA because they still thought I may potentially be in some kind of danger there, but I was informed that steps were continuing to be taken to find my sister. For some reason the memories surrounding the incident that led to my being in Scotland and the disappearance of Rosa were the ones that were refusing to fucking show up. Instead I was being plagued with snippets of situations that I couldn’t grasp. There was nothing tangible that I could offer as to where my sister could be.
Cosmic as a whole was denying all knowledge of me and my sister, which told me that they definitely had some fucking involvement in her disappearance. In fact, something in the back of mind was bothering me about Melody’s death too. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but something was bugging me. They were a Company of Sinners after all. They were a fucking bad company. That much I knew. But I couldn’t give descriptions or names or locations. And Utah was a big-ass fucking state. It turned out there were Cosmic crews all over the goddamn place. And I didn’t know anything more than that.
Bad Company: Company of Sinners MC #1 Page 15
