He stood and yanked on his underwear and jeans angrily. “Well, you have a great fucking time with him. Say hi from me, huh?” After grabbing the rest of his clothing and dressing quickly, he stormed toward the door, leaving me open-mouthed and a little dumbstruck. I waited for the front door to slam, but then I heard him cursing. “Fucking stupid fucking asshole.” And then I heard his stomping footsteps returning.
He stood in the doorway, panting. The colour had drained from his face and he nervously ran his hands through his hair.
“W-what’s wrong, Cain?”
“I… I didn’t use a condom, Kelly.”
I smiled sadly as I hugged my arms around my body. “It’s fine. I’m taking the pill. And I’m clean, I can assure you of that, so you have nothing to worry about. And although it may be unethical, I know that you’re clean too. From the blood tests that were carried out at the hospital.”
“Oh… Oh, okay. That’s… that’s good.” He nodded and exhaled heavily. “I’ll leave now.” He turned and walked away from me once again.
It was becoming a habit.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Kelly
My half-hearted wish to see Dermott evaporated as soon as I heard the door close behind Cain. I grabbed my cell and dropped him a text message to tell him some lie about a premenstrual headache. Knowing how squeamish men get about such things—well, how squeamish Dermott gets—I knew there would be no issue. Stupid, considering his chosen career. His response was a succinct “Maybe some other time.”
After making a quick call to Esme, I set out to see her instead. I needed my best friend and the advice only she could give me. I was grateful that the walk to her apartment was short, as the weather chilled me to the bone and the dreariness of the day matched the way I felt inside.
All I wanted to do was turn around and rush to Cain. Tell him that I hadn’t gone to Dermott because all I could think about was how my rugged, damaged American felt inside my body and my heart. How after all these years I finally got what people meant about toe-curling orgasms. Tell him that he had changed me beyond recognition and that I was finally completely awake. And that when he left, there was a good chance I would drift back into my unwelcome slumber. Tell him that I wanted to go with him. Leave all this dull-as-shit stuff behind and follow him anywhere. Let him unlock more of my deep, dark desires. That I didn’t want to only have the memory of his lips around my nipple, his cock buried deep within me, and his intense love inside my heart. I wanted the reality. With him and only him.
But part of him still loved Melody, and although he had all of me, I never would have all of him.
When I arrived at Esme’s block, she buzzed me in and I climbed the stairs to the second floor. She was waiting with the door open, bless her.
“What’s happened, hon?” She held her arms open wide for me, and I stepped into her embrace, trying hard not to let my emotions get the better of me.
I took a deep breath and pulled away. “Cain turned up earlier.”
“Ah. Let me guess… you fucked him, didn’t you?”
The muscles of my lower belly tightened at her words as I remembered the rough, carnal way he thrust himself into my willing body and the way the cold wall felt against my bare back. I swallowed hard and closed my eyes briefly as I allowed myself to be transported back in time. I’m guessing my lack of answer told her all she needed to know, as she shook her head and stepped aside for me to walk in. Esme was the most organised person I knew. Except when it came to her apartment. She was a bit of a hoarder, and her cluttered space was littered with antiques and knick-knacks. It was an OCD sufferer’s nightmare.
I took off my coat and slumped onto the burgundy Chesterfield couch. “What’s wrong with me, Ez? I must seriously be off my bloody rocker.”
She sat beside me and grabbed my hand. “It’s called being in crazy, stupid love, honey. If only it were easy to just stop ourselves feeling that way. It would be easier on the likes of you psychologists. And the suicide rate would be a hell of a lot lower.”
“I was so determined to move on and let him go though. So determined.”
She smiled and tilted her head to one side. With a questioning raise of her eyebrows, she asked, “Did your heart get that memo? I’m guessing not.”
I growled in frustration and dropped my head back. Cain’s natural dominance and my willingness to submit to him so readily had changed me. The intensity of our connection—both sexual and emotional—had brought out desires in me that I hadn’t even realised were there. I had always enjoyed sex. Sex was good. Until Cain. Now sex meant so much more. Passion, spontaneity… and above all, love. And I was on the verge of losing it all. Deep down I knew that these changes were irrevocable, and it twisted me inside out.
My eyes began to sting and I hugged my arms around my body. “What the hell am I going to do? He’s leaving soon. I have no idea exactly when, but I’m pretty sure after he goes, I’ll never see him again. How will I cope, Ez?”
“It’ll be tough, Kel. But I’ll help you all I can. I promise you that. We’ll get through it together. You’ll see.”
I swiped an escaped tear away and hugged my arms tighter around myself as the pain inside became almost too much to bear. I was on a downward stretch of the roller coaster with no way of reaching the elusive top. How could I possibly get through it? How? The whole situation was lost. I was defeated. I laughed humourlessly. “I wish I had your confidence.”
I arrived back at work a few days later feeling less refreshed than I would have liked. My time away had been filled with thoughts of Cain and what he was doing. He never did contact me again to tell me the reason for his last visit. And so he had no idea that I had cancelled on Dermott. Not that any of it made any difference. He was going to be leaving at some point. I was just waiting for someone in the know to tell me when.
I swivelled my chair around and peered out at the Beauly Firth to the south. The recent snowfall made the still water appear black in contrast, and I was reminded that it was only six days to Christmas. My mum was living in the South of France with her new lover, a retired artist; and despite the many hints and several direct invites, I had no intention of joining them out there for the holidays.
There was a knock on the door, and as usual Alex didn’t wait for me to respond. “Good morning, Doctor Darrow. Raring to go after your break?”
I swivelled back around to face my unwelcome guest. “Oh, yes. I feel great.” My voice lacked the enthusiasm that the words were trying to purvey.
“Well, the good news is that our success story is returning to the USA tomorrow, so that’s a positive one for the figures.”
My heart jumped into my mouth. “I’m sorry, what?”
“Mr. Somers is returning home tomorrow,” he repeated with a grin.
Shit, why am I only hearing this now? “Oh… I had no idea it was going to be so soon.”
“I thought you would have been the first to hear. He has spoken very highly of your treatment of him. Says if it hadn’t been for you, he has no clue where he would have ended up. I think you have yourself a fan there, Kelly.”
“So it would seem.” I forced a smile even though my stomach was churning and my heart was doing its best to escape through my clothing.
“Well, I’ll leave you to it. Oh, and Patty has the details on the staff night out for Christmas. I hate the things personally, but it’s only one night a year, so I suppose I can cope with that.”
“Yes… yes, quite.” I hadn’t taken any notice of what he had said. My mind now racing to figure out how the hell I would get to Cain before he left. Alex walked to the door and was just about to leave. “Alex, wait!” He stopped and turned to face me. “Is Cain… Mr Somers calling in to say goodbye at all?”
“No idea. I’m guessing he just wants to get home now. Probably glad to see the back of us all.” He chuckled and left my office.
I dropped my head into my hands as bile rose in my throat. This was it. He was really leavi
ng. The downward stretch of the roller coaster ride continued and once again I was reminded that everything I had shared with the mysterious American biker was coming to an end.
Not that it ever had really begun.
My gut twisted and my throat constricted. At that moment I was glad to be alone in my misery, but I actually wanted to go home where I could curl up on my sofa and cry myself to sleep. Or drink enough wine to make me forget all this for a while. If only human beings could willingly switch off feelings and emotions. I knew I would have willingly flicked that switch.
Cain
It was all arranged. My flight the following day would be from Inverness and would take me almost four and half thousand miles away to Salt Lake City International Airport. Kelly would remain here in Scotland and would no doubt be cajoled back into Dermott-the-Prick’s bed. Fucking bastard asshole. I hated him. And I hated the fact that he would have my Kelly all to himself as soon as I was gone. She was my Kelly and the thought of him putting his fucking hands on her made my blood boil.
Okay, so he was a fucking surgeon, probably had tons of cash and a flashy car. But it was my guess he had a fucking wiener for a dick. At least I made her come. I put her needs first. Seeing her mouth open and eyes closed in ecstasy as I drove into her was the best fucking sight I could remember. And I could remember a hell of a lot now.
The fact that he used her twisted my insides. Because that’s what he did. She was no more to him than a hooker. Why couldn’t she see that? Why did she let him? Because she used him too? Yeah that’s what she would have you believe, but I wasn’t buying that. She deserved so much more than the dickweed could give her. Fuck, she was in my head, my heart, and my fucking soul. Whoever I was before the incident that took my memory bore no resemblance to the man I had become. The man she made me.
The reality of the situation was sinking in, and I have to admit that I was filled with trepidation. What would I find back home? Would Rosa still be alive? My stomach clenched as I thought about my kid sister being put through hell because of my desire to separate myself from the club and its criminal activity. And there it was again, the need to go home regardless of what I was leaving behind.
The few clothes I had were packed into a donated suitcase, and all my documentation was collated. There was nothing to do except wait. I couldn’t understand why I hadn’t heard from Kelly. I felt sure that she would at least want to say goodbye. But then again, remembering what happened the last time we met, maybe she was too pissed even to think about me now.
The telephone rang and I grasped at the handset, hoping it would be Kelly.
“Yeah?”
“Mister Somers, this is Suzanna Laing from the American Consulate in Edinburgh. It’s just a call to let you know that your cab has been arranged for nine this evening, and all of your documentation has been cleared. You have to be at the airport by nine forty-five, and one of our representatives will see you there.
“Yeah, okay. Thanks.” My heart sank.
“If there is anything else you need, you have my direct number.”
“Yes. Yes, I do. Thank you.”
“Have a safe flight home, Mister Somers.”
I hung up the call and slumped back on the couch. Rubbing my hands over my face, I closed my eyes and thought back over the time I had spent in Scotland. It had been brief, but somehow I felt at home. Leaving was going to be difficult, but I had ghosts to lay to rest in the States, and I couldn’t do that from Scotland. Most importantly, however, I had to find my kid sister and make sure no harm ever befell her again. Once she was back with me, I wouldn’t be letting her out of my sight for a long fucking while.
My appetite had gone.
It wasn’t like me to not want to eat, but my churning stomach wouldn’t allow anything more than a couple slices of pizza and a soda. It was as if I was waiting for a fucking firing squad instead of a flight home.
Home.
Would it feel like home when I got there? Would anyone be there to welcome me back? Considering the Company of Sinners had disowned me, I doubted it. But it didn’t matter. I only wanted to get answers from them. I was done playing nice. They were no longer my family.
Family. I laughed at my choice of words. Apart from Rosa, Kelly was the closest thing to family that I’d known in a long time. She was under my skin, like a fucking tattoo. And just as difficult to forget. Because like a tattoo she would be removed from my life but the scars would still be there. Invisible ones that only I was aware of. I knew that I had to go home. But in doing so I was leaving behind the one person who, despite all the fucking bullshit that brought me to Scotland in the first place, had made me feel complete again.
I sat staring at the congealed cheese and tomato before me, and my stomach lurched. I stood and threw the rest of the food in the trash. What the fuck do I do for two hours until they come for me? I paced the floor, watched shit on TV, and I wished I still had the iPod that I had arrived with; but Kelly still had it as far as I knew. It was a shame because maybe some of the songs I used to love would help prepare me for what was to come.
I stood gazing out the window and off to the distant snow-covered mountains. I wondered what Kelly was doing now. Would she be glad I’d soon be out of her hair for good? I wouldn’t blame her. For me, leaving was like having my heart ripped from my chest, but I’d caused nothing but a shit storm of trouble for her.
I lost interest in the view and began to reminisce about how good it felt to make love to her, to feel her clench around me as she locked her stunning green eyes on me and moaned in that sexy husky way that I loved, and to call her name as I emptied myself inside of her How amazing it was to have her soft body beneath mine and her heart beating against my chest as I lovingly caressed her breasts and kissed the delicate skin of her neck. Just the thought of her made me hard, but my heart ached with a kind of emptiness that scared the shit out of me.
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door that dragged me, mentally kicking and screaming, from my reverie. Damn cab turning up too fucking early.
I opened the door and my breath caught. “Kelly.”
“I… I couldn’t let you leave without saying goodbye,” she whispered in a wavering, small voice.
“Come on in,” I croaked as I stepped aside. She smiled nervously and walked past me and into my compact living space.
She turned to face me. “I wanted to let you know that… the day I was supposed to meet Dermott, and you came around… I cancelled. I couldn’t go to him. Not after what happened between us and the things you said.”
“You came over just to tell me that?” I smiled and shook my head, but inside my heart leapt for joy. I stepped toward her and held out my hand. “Can I take your coat? Can I get you a drink? I think I have some soda left.”
She shrugged out of her winter jacket and handed it to me. “I’m okay, thanks. Not really thirsty.”
“Do you wanna sit down?” I lamely gestured to the couch, unsure of how to behave and what to say after my dumbass behaviour and how things were left the last time we were together.
She nodded and sat, eyeing me warily. “Are you all ready to go?”
I pulled my lips in between my teeth and closed my eyes as I nodded.
“That’s good. I’m sure you’ll be happier when you get back.”
I opened my eyes and scrunched my brow. “You think?”
“It’s home, Cain. It’s the place you belong.”
“I’m not so sure. The thing is Kelly, you won’t be there. And I’m not sure I like that idea very much.” My voice was quiet and to my own ears I sounded a little lost.
Her eyes became glassy, and the sadness of her smile almost broke me in two. “I don’t like it either, Cain but it’s for the best.”
“I wish I could believe that, Kelly. But… I know I’ll be leaving a piece of my heart here in Scotland… With you.” Hearing my own honest words fall from my lips would have shocked me a few months before, but I had learned to be my true self with her.
Well, this new version of my true self. A version I actually liked. The agonising truth was that I never could imagine being this honest and open with anyone else, ever again. I trusted this woman completely. She saw through the bullshit and the arrogance and she didn’t judge. She simply loved me. I’d become this person because of her. Not only had I gained my old memories, but I had made new ones that I would never forget. Ever. No matter how far away I was from her.
She would always be tattooed on my heart.
Tears spilled over and left damp trails down her cheeks, and a sob escaped her throat as she covered her face with her hands. “I’ll miss you so much. But… please… when you go, don’t keep in touch, okay? I… I think it’d be too painful.”
I walked over to where she sat and dropped to my knees before her. Removing her hands from her face, I spoke again. “If that’s what you really want, baby, I’ll do it. But it’ll be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. How the hell do I move on from you? I wish I knew, Kelly, I really wish I knew.” I slipped my hands into her hair and crushed my lips to hers as her arms snaked up around my shoulders and she grasped at me, pulling me closer.
Kelly
Knowing that this was the last time I would see him, my heart shattered. As he kissed me, tears relentlessly fell but I was past caring. Desperation and need took over, and all worry and inhibitions melted away. I didn’t care that I shouldn’t be there. Didn’t care that I was breaking all the rules again. All I cared about was being with him one last time. Showing him how I felt with my body when words were simply not enough.
He picked me up from the couch, his lips still connected to mine as our tongues danced a prelude of what was to come and he carried me through to his bedroom. I held onto him tight, never wanting to let him go.
Gently he laid me down and with reverence in his eyes, he began to undress me as he muttered words of love and placed kisses everywhere he touched. Once I was naked before him, he removed his own clothes and lay beside me, pulling me into his strong embrace and caressing my face, neck, and breasts. He left tingles in the wake of his touch and I ached for him. I needed him inside of me. To have this one last act of love between us. He cupped my breast and rolled his thumb over my erect nipple and I gasped as the sensation spiked at the junction of my thighs. I reached down between my legs and pressed my hand there, trying to stop the ache that only he could satisfy.
Bad Company: Company of Sinners MC #1 Page 18
