Silence

by Jaye Cox

  “Oh my god! I'm sorry, sorry,” a timid voice breaks in. I look up and see a brunette with a hot nerdy vibe going on.

  “Don't be sorry, love. Feel free to join in, the more the merrier.” Her face goes bright red from embarrassment. Right at that moment, I finish my load in blondies mouth. With a pop, she’s off and I'm sitting with my cock hanging out. Nerd girl is now staring at my crotch.

  “Like what you see?” I say, winking at her. Mickki and the boys walk in and they're not surprised, I don't think I could shock them with anything anymore.

  “Put your dick away idiot,” Mickki says, slapping me in the back of my head as he walks past.

  “Don't be jealous brother,” I say doing up my zipper. “It's unfortunate that we weren’t both blessed”

  “Fuck off, I'm happy with what's in my pants,” he says taking a seat. “Mr Fontaine will be sitting in with us, so go find a shirt or something would you.”

  “Oh, you can go now,” I say, dismissing blondie.

  When everyone is seated, nerd girl introduces herself as Lacey from Ace TV. Fuck, that’s only the biggest music show in the world and the best they can do is send her. She starts off with the usual questions —what inspired this album, what music influenced us growing up, blah blah blah. I zone out for a while as Mickki does most of the talking for our interviews, the rest of us just sit back and nod.

  “Eddie,” Mickki says, hitting my leg with his.

  “Huh, what?” I ask. Looking back towards Lacey, I watch as she swallows nervously as I look in her direction.

  “Everyone at ACE loves your tattoo,” she says, which irritates me. Obviously, no one told her my tattoo is off limits.

  “Thanks! I'm not talking about it.” The tattoo is of the ocean, with a broken clock, a stair case, and a little girl’s silhouette reaching out to touch the broken clock’s hand; it's my tribute to Amelia. I was lucky that the press didn't get wind of how close I was to her and that I’d managed to keep her funeral private. Everyone wants to know about my tattoo and they all want to be the first to know. The rest of the interview goes smoothly, until she asks her last question.

  “A source has informed us that the song Silence is about someone named Amelia. Is there any truth in that?” I see red and push out of my chair, forcing it backwards with such force that it falls over, crashing into the wall behind me.

  “Fuck this shit. Find out what asshole leaked that. Make her fucking sign something, because if this gets out I guarantee someone will pay.” I say through my rage.

  Swiping the bottle of champagne and the glasses off the counter, I storm out of the room. When I find the fucker who betrayed my trust they're going to wish they were never born. One of the roadies is good for scoring drugs, so I find him and throw a wad of cash his way. He asks what my poison is today and I don't care as long as it fucks me up and quick.

  As I slowly start coming to, my brain feels like it has liquid swishing around inside. I peer from one eye and Mickki is standing above me, he pours a fucking cup of water over my face.

  “What the fuck was that for?”

  “Fuck bro, you need to get up. The papers – man, it's not good,” Mickki says. “Sleeping with the enemy, I see.”

  “Her? She’s far from the enemy. Timid as a mouse, I rocked her world last night. Oh, and hers,” I say, pointing to the little Asian girl curled up on the floor where she is passed out cold.

  I follow Mickki out to the dining room, where the rest of the band is sitting around the table. Benny, Drew, and Brodie are all top blokes; Mickki is my brother, but I also consider them my family.

  “This is bad, man,” Benny says. “Who is the mystery woman, Amelia, who screwed up the famous Eddie Diamond.”

  “Drug binge over mystery girl,” Drew says.

  “Rocker Eddie Diamond flips out,” Brodie says.

  “Every paper in Australia today has you in the headlines,” Mickki says.

  “Not every paper,” comes a quiet whisper from behind me. “My boss has been blowing up my phone all morning, and I'm going to get fired for sure because I'm the only one who was supposed to have a headline,” she trails off, almost in tears.

  “Sorry love, but am I supposed to care? Because I don't.” Maybe that was harsh considering she saw me flip out and was with me on my so-called drug binge last night. Her phone rings, and she excuses herself and goes back into the room.

  There’s a knock on the door, and everyone turns and looks at me like I'm supposed to be a fucking mind reader and know who it is.

  “Okay, I’ll get it,” I say, still stark naked; I'm sure it will make someone's day. Standing at the door is a guy, maybe in his late twenties, could be older, what the fuck do I know with all this metrosexual manscaping bullshit men do these days. He’s quite attractive so it must pay off. He could possibly make me question my sexuality after a few drinks and the right drugs.

  “What do you want?” I say after the guy gives me a once over.

  “You could help me by moving aside and going to put some clothes on. Because you, my friend, have some serious damage control to do this morning,” he says, walking past me like he owns the joint.

  “I’m not your fucking friend,” I sneer, but he just ignores me and turns his attention towards Mickki.

  “Oliver, nice to see you again,” Mickki says, greeting him. Argh, Mr Fontaine sent his spoilt son. I remember him now, we’d met once before at a concert.

  “Don't we have people that clean this sort of shit up?” I say, closing the door.

  “Normally yes, but today my father thinks it’s best that I handle this and quickly. I’ve been informed that the subject of Amelia has been off limits, and I get it, but the press are vultures and it's only a matter of hours before they figure it out. They’ll dig up everything on the girl and her mother.”

  “Like fuck they will, I’ll personally hunt them all down,” I say.

  “And then what? Maybe it's time to consider going public with the information and doing an exclusive interview live on air.”

  “NO! I can't break another promise,” I say. “I promised Sasha I wouldn't drag Amelia's death through the press.”

  “Come on brother, don't you want the important things about Amelia shown instead of Sasha's past, because they will find out everything”

  “I need to see Sasha and explain. I won't do it without her knowing. I just don't think she would see me.”

  “Leave that to me. She’s kept in touch with me over the last few years.”

  “You what?" I say, pushing him against the wall, my arm across his neck. “Why, after everything I went through, would you still talk to her without telling me. You never liked her - so why?"

  Brodie and Benny pull me off Mickki, who rubs his neck as he gasps for air.

  “Fuck you. She kept in contact with me to see how you were. I never said I didn't like her, I just didn't think the situation was good for you and this is why. You were fucked in the head before you met them and now you have lost the plot.”

  "All this time I thought she didn't care. I have an idea, if they want my story then we do it my way and You,” I say pointing at Lacey. “Do you want that exclusive? Maybe your boss will forgive you after this.” I run the ideas by her and she agrees that doing a special web cast on their website would work, but her boss doesn't let her do those. I tell her my people will set it up and only she will be doing the interview.

  “You’ve seen my cock, so tell him I feel comfortable around you or something.”

  “Half the world has seen your cock,” she whispers.

  “That’s true. Write down your boss’s number for me and your address. We’ll be leaving in two hours - can you be ready by then?”

  After quickly writing down the number and address, she scurries from the room. I decide getting dressed is possibly for the best, since I don't need to add charges for indecent exposure to the list of fuck ups for the week. All my shit is already packed, so I do the last few lines of coke before walkin
g back out. I hear Mickki on the phone, and Oliver is still here talking with the rest of the guys.

  “You're a good looking man, Oliver, almost makes me wanna swap teams and screw your brains out.”

  “Thanks, I think, but I'm not gay,” Oliver says, looking a little offended.

  “I have a plan. Since we were leaving today anyway, we’re taking the nerdy chick with us and you can set up a live interview for tonight.”

  “Good news. Sasha will meet up with you, but she wasn't happy about it, it took some serious pleading. She’ll meet you at Amelia's Grave,” Mickki says.

  “Let's do this,” I say, putting on my best ‘I don't give a shit’ face. Inside I'm terrified, I’ve not seen Sasha in five years, nor have I been back to Amelia's grave. I could give a million reasons why I haven't been back, but the truth is I’m too chicken shit as it holds way too many memories. Sasha told me the day of Amelia's funeral, she never wanted to see me again and would never forgive me. How do I face her after I let her down in the worst way possible? I made a promise I knew I couldn't keep, all because I’m a selfish bastard. Now I have a hole, deep in my chest, and pain that haunts me.

  Chapter Two

  Callie

  Have you ever sat back and wondered how the hell your life got to the point it is, you can pinpoint the exact moment it all turned to shit, and no matter how hard you try to make excuses for it nothing changes? I wish, with everything I have, that I could change that one moment; it’s my biggest regret. I lost almost everyone who ever meant anything to me that night, and even though I’ve tried to make it right I can’t bring him back from the dead. My brother was my everything and he’s gone because of me. People always say ’It’s not your fault’- what a load of shit. If he wasn’t coming to save me it wouldn’t have happened. The guilt I carry about how he didn’t get to be around for his daughter, or be the support his girlfriend needed, eats me alive every day.

  “Hi, my name is Callie and I’m an addict. I’ve been sober for five years today. I never thought I had a drug addiction. It started with a few pain pills and my life spiralled downhill from there. My brother died in my arms because of my addiction, that gun was aimed at me. I never believed that before you died everything happens in slow motion, but it’s true; everything happened frame by frame. I stood there, motionless, and watched. Maybe I was just extremely high, but I can still see the bullet leaving the gun and my brother screaming ‘NO!!’ and shielding me with his body. I have nightmares where I see him in my arms and there was so much blood; I couldn’t stop the bleeding.”

  Someone hands me a tissue; my story never gets any easier to share. To say I’ve been the worst daughter, sister, aunt, friend, and mother to my son is an understatement. In the three years leading up to my brother’s death I abused more drugs and alcohol than I can remember, and if I’m being honest I don’t remember a single day from the day my brother was shot until the day I decided to become sober.

  I lost custody of my son just after Billy was shot, when it became clear to my ex-husband and my son’s father just how bad my drug use was. I tried to hide it from everyone before that, I thought I could just stop whenever I wanted to, it didn’t control me. But I was so very wrong, my addiction had me like a puppet on strings, dictating which direction my life went in.

  Walking away from the NA meeting, I feel better after talking with my sponsor Olivia. She’s an older lady, in her mid-fifties. All those years ago when I walked in here, alone and with nowhere left to turn, she took me in her arms and said, ‘I’m not going to lie to you, baby girl, this road isn’t easy but you have a friend in me. I’ll be a set of ears when you need someone to listen, a helping hand when you need a hand up, a loving set of arms when you need someone to hold you, and I’ll tell you everything will be okay.’

  The meeting finished a bit earlier than usual, so I head to the little coffee shop just around the corner. I have to meet my son, Beau, in an hour. I pick up a newspaper while I wait for my coffee.

  ROCKER EDDIE DIAMOND FLIPS OUT

  The headline for the front cover of today’s paper catches my attention. Why do they put this shit on front covers like people care, where’s the real news? People like him really get under my skin —all the money in the world and he ends up in newspapers because of a drug binge. Call me a hypocrite, but I didn’t come from money, I wish I did. The number of times I wished I could have afforded rehab, even that is a damn excuse I still tell myself. I throw the paper in the trash. When the young girl brings me my coffee, I decide to take a walk and clear my mind. Some days are easy and some are hard, especially days I see Beau. Seeing him reminds me of what a bad mother I was to him, that the drugs were more important than my own child. I know he still remembers a lot of what happened. He says he’s okay now, but I can see how much he holds back. I can tell it still plays on his mind and I don’t blame him, I let him down so many times. I remember when, not long after my brother’s death, I was placed on suicide watch. After a month in hospital you’d think I would have wanted to stay clean, that looking my baby in the eyes the day I got released would have been enough, hugging him…but it wasn’t. When I was walking from that hospital, the feelings and memories hit me hard, I thought I was okay.

  It was worse when, at twenty-nine years of age, I had to admit I had a problem, wanted help, and needed to live with my sister. She says she doesn’t blame me for our brother’s death, but how can she not when on top of that she took me in and helped me get sober. I wouldn’t have blamed her if she’d wiped her hands of me after our brother’s death a few years prior to asking for her help, I put her through so much. I owe her my life —if she hadn’t helped me, god knows where I’d be today.

  Beau is meeting me at our usual spot in the park across from where he lives with his father. A pang of guilt washes over me at the thought of my poor boy having to deal with the death of his uncle, a man he was so close to, and then my problems. A lone tear drops from my eye as I watch my grown son walking towards me. He has turned into an amazing man and I can’t form the words to say how much it means to me that his father raised him so well. Even his stepmother, Tara, who was a mother to him when I wasn’t, whom I know he also calls mum. At first, I was gutted because I’m his mum, even if I was a shitty one, but when she asked to meet me I could tell why he loves her. I’m forever grateful she stepped up to that role when I couldn’t get my act together.

  “Mum, please don’t get upset. We’ve talked about this. I forgive you and love you,” Beau says, putting his arm around me and kissing me on the top of the head.

  “Don’t worry about me, I’m being silly, you’ve just grown up and become a man. What are they feeding you over there? You keep getting taller every time I see you.”

  Our visit today isn’t a long one, I always stop by and remind myself of why I need to stay sober. I know it might seem selfish, but it helps when there’s this small nagging in the back of my mind telling me I’m useless, I’m not strong enough to do this, it should have been me and not Billy. We sit on the swings and he tells me about his day, I always get a feeling he wants to tell me something but never does. His best friend, Jaynie, comes skipping towards us; I’ve secretly hoped they would somehow become more than friends. “When are you two going to realise you were meant for each other?” I ask with a smile. The look he gives me shows he knew I was going to ask.

  “When will you stop asking the same question?” he asks under his breath.

  “When you stop pretending you’re not made for each other.”

  “It’s complicated mum. We’re more than friends, she’s my soulmate,” he whispers back, kicking my leg.

  “What are you two whispering about?” Jaynie asks.

  “Just plotting world domination,” Beau says and Jaynie laughs. Beau gives me a look that says keep your mouth shut and I do.

  “I’ll leave you two to do whatever you do. I need to get home before your Aunt sends a search party to find me.”

  “Her heart’s in the ri
ght place,” Beau says.

  “I know, I’ll see you in a few days,” I say, blowing Beau a kiss. I’m his mum and he won’t ever be too big to get a kiss from me, one way or another.

  I love my sister, Jules, I really do, but she worries about me way too much. I know she only has my best interests at heart, but living with her for the last five years hasn’t exactly been easy. Since I’ve never truly trusted myself, I’ve used her as a security blanket, but now I feel like it’s time for me to move on to the next chapter of my life. The walk back to Jules’s only takes me half an hour, as I walk through the door she gives me a look of relief. I offer her a small smile and head straight to my room. I haven’t told her I’m looking for a second job and a place to live, and I’m not sure how well she’ll take it. I power up my laptop and start scrolling through a job site I’m registered with, nothing new pops up. I love my job as a waitress, but it’s not my dream job. I’m clueless as to what that is and if I’m lucky it will just appear out of nowhere. Social media isn’t really my thing, but I like to see all the crazy photo’s Beau and Jaynie post every day. I open up my ACE TV account, they stream live music and have interviews with musicians. I load my playlist and click on the most recently played. I find myself staring at the door and know I need to find the courage to talk to Jules about moving out. My subconscious is clucking at me and saying to stop being a big chicken, she’s your sister and loves you. Let’s hope she remembers how much she loves me when I tell her.

  Chapter Three

  Eddie

  The interview is set up and ready to go. Mickki is freaking out as usual that I’ll somehow fuck this up and we’ll lose our record deal with Fontaine Records. I know he’s worried it’ll set me back, but how far back from rock bottom can you go? I fucked up and I own that. The best thing about being at rock bottom is no one else is down here with me, and I can be left to wallow in my own self-pity by myself. I don't want help or to be saved. All I want is to play music, fuck, and get messed up. Listening to everyone drone on and on about how we can fix the mess I've created has given me a headache.