Silence

by Jaye Cox

  As we pull up to the front of my house, all the usual cars are here, even Oliver’s and I wonder why he’d be here. Stepping out of the car, Damien hands me a lighter and a pack of ciggies. I take one out and light it, hesitating before going inside. Being accused of something like this isn’t great and I really hope they’ve found a way out.

  “What’s up, fuckers?” I ask, walking through the side door and into the kitchen area. That’s when all the hairs on my arms stand on end, the bitches themselves are standing side by side; this is a sight straight from my damn nightmares. Alex and my mother are chatting away as if my arrival went unnoticed.

  “What the fuck is she doing in my house?” I say, storming towards my brother who’s leaning against the kitchen bench.

  “Which one?” he says, his tone laced with sarcasm. Obviously, this was not his doing.

  “Eddie, stop being so you for a minute,” my mother says.

  “Don’t you tell me what to do in my house, I’m not a damn child anymore.”

  “I think you should hear them out, sounds like you’ve lived up to all my expectations.” Mother says as if she has a damn clue about my life.

  “Alex is a nice girl, unlike that other one your brother told me about.” I look straight at Mickki, he should know better than to tell her anything about my life. He can have a relationship with her, but I won’t, too much happened in my childhood to forgive.

  “Of course, a snake would see one of its own kind. Callie is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and the likes of you two being compared to her is highly amusing. Someone needs to get to the point or just get the fuck out of my house. I have better shit to do.”

  “I’ve decided to not press charges,” Alex says.

  “Good, because I didn’t do anything wrong, you crazy bitch.”

  “Eddie, just hear them out so they can leave,” Mickki adds.

  “Fine, what’s the catch?”

  “You go on one last tour, just in Australia as a good bye. Alex will go as your manager, and I will also be there to make sure everything goes well and that’s it, we terminate your contract after that.”

  “We think it’s a good idea Eddie. It keeps you out of the headlines and we can all move on with our lives. We’ve been doing music for almost twenty years, and besides you and Mickki, we all have families and want to settle down,” Brodie says, Benny and Drew both agree.

  “If it’s what you all want, I’m in.” They all look at me, expecting me to blow up or make a scene. I just want this chapter of my life over with. A man can only take so much, and this life isn’t for me anymore. “When do we leave?”

  “We’ll leave tomorrow for Sydney. We have some promo to do for the tour and Alex has managed to get some interviews set up.”

  “I’ll be ready. Now, get the fuck out of my house,” I say, walking from the room. Mickki follows me into the studio.

  “Are you sure you’re okay with this?” he asks.

  “What choice do I have…Why is our mother here?”

  “Money,” he sighs.

  “When will you stop writing her cheques?”

  “When she dies, she’s our mum.”

  “She’s never been a mother to me. I swear she likes to pop up every time I start to feel good about myself, just so she can kick me back down.”

  “Can we not argue about this, I have so much crap on my plate right now,” he says, rubbing his temples.

  “Whatever, I need to get some shit organised before I leave anyway. Make sure you take her with you.”

  “No Wukkers, I’m outta here. I have some rock star groupies to take care of, unless you want to join me?”

  “My dick is staying in my pants for now, but thanks,” I say and we both laugh. They’re words I’m sure he never thought he’d hear come from my mouth. Once he leaves, I pull my phone from my pocket. Sasha went to see Callie and I need to know why, and I want to ask her a favour. My hands tremble as I hit her number on speed dial. Can I really ask her for a favour? She’s the only one I can trust.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Callie

  After my talk with Sasha, I decided it was time for me to move on with my life. I know things will never be the same, but one day at a time I can find a way to keep going. I’ll need to find a new job now, even though I still have some money saved from when I was working for Eddie. I found a small apartment not far from my sister; she insisted I stay close to her when I refused to move back into her house. She doesn’t need me in her space when she’s so close to having her baby.

  I laugh as I watch her try to hang a picture on the wall, her stomach is now round on her small frame. She struggles to lift her arms to balance the picture, and every time she leans in to get a closer look her stomach hits the wall. She refused my help, something about me not having any decorating skills at all and when you want something done right you do it yourself. She’s started to nest and everything in her house is immaculate, now she’s taking over my house. As she stands back to admire her handiwork, I stare at the picture frame and it’s perfect. It’s a photo that Dane took of Beau and I from his birthday dinner, neither of us knew he’d taken the photo. A lone tear rolls down my cheek, I know he’ll be watching over me.

  “Don’t forget you have your doctor’s appointment today,” she says, coming to stand beside me, both of us looking at the photo she just hung on the wall.

  “I won’t, besides it’s just a check-up. One you insisted I get.”

  “Well, with the baby coming you need to get the whooping cough injection anyway, and if you have the flu they won’t do it.”

  “It’s not the flu, it’s just a side effect from the new pills the shrink put me on. She said they would make me feel a little weird.”

  “I don’t like you being on all those pills,” she says; she always worries about me. Yes, I relapsed, but I’m fine.

  “I need them, we tried without the pills and it wasn’t working. Please just leave it alone.”

  “Fine, I trust you. Have you considered calling Eddie now you’re home?”

  “Why is everyone on the Eddie train?”

  “Because, for the first time in a long time, when you were with him you were happy and smiled”

  “I smiled all the time before him.”

  “Smiling at your child doesn’t count.” As soon as the words leave her mouth her hand flies up to cover it. She looks at me apologetically.

  “It’s okay, you can talk about him. I don’t want anyone to think they can’t talk about him and they need to walk on egg shells around me. Yes, I’m hurting, and yes, I did something reckless, but only I am accountable for my actions. I’m sorry I put you in this position though. I want to say it’ll never happen again, but I won’t because I don’t know what the future holds. I can say that I don’t plan to ever do anything like that again.”

  “Don’t apologise, I get it. Let’s just promise to look forward and make Beau proud,” she says, giving me a side hug. I thank her for all her help with the house and decorating, even though she really didn’t give me much of a choice. She leaves after making me promise to come over tomorrow for coffee, and I fire up my laptop. I need to get myself a new job. I may have some money put aside, but it won’t last forever and it’ll keep me busy. My phone buzzes from inside my purse. It’s a text from Dane.

  Can I pop over? I need to talk.

  I quickly type back a reply.

  Sure, home now. Will be here for about an hour.

  His reply is instant.

  Be there in 10.

  I wonder what he could possibly want, I had figured now that Beau was gone he’d be glad to be done with me. My phone buzzes again and this time it’s a notification from ACE TV, I had the app installed because they have an obsession with Black Diamond, or more specifically Eddie, and it was a good way to keep tabs on him. The app is more of a blog of sorts. I click the app and instantly regret it, the headline reads -

  Be still my broken heart, Eddie Diamond Engaged


  Eddie Diamond is off the market ladies, and who is the lucky lady? Well, that we don’t know, everyone seems to be tight-lipped. So, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to do some digging. At first, we thought it may be his ex, Callie, but she just vanished for months. Even though she’s resurfaced, Eddie hasn’t been spotted anywhere near her or vice versa, so he must have moved on. We reviewed all the footage we could find of Eddie and the band from the last few weeks, and the only woman we’ve seen him with is his manager, the one who sources say but can’t confirm he sexually harassed. Us here at ACE TV don’t believe that claim, because let’s face it, he is Eddie Diamond and women fall at his feet. Alex, said manager, was spotted sporting a big diamond ring and leaving a hotel this morning with none other than Eddie. Stay tuned for updates as we get them. Black Diamond have their final concert tonight, and it’s dedicated to Beau.

  At the mention of Beau’s name, I throw my phone onto the couch. I want to scream, how dare he use my son’s name. A knock at the door diverts my fuming mood.

  “Come in!” I yell, pacing the living room.

  “Is it safe to enter? I know that look.”

  “How dare he. Who does he think he is?” I say, ranting and knowing Dane couldn’t possibly know what I’m talking about.

  “Eddie, I take it?” he says.

  “Yes, self-centred, selfish stupid prick.”

  “What did he do?” Dane asks.

  “He dedicated his concert tonight to Beau, and apparently he is engaged. I should give him a piece of my mind.”

  “Maybe you should,” he says.

  “Sorry. You needed to talk to me, and I have dragged you into listening to my dramas.”

  “It’s okay. I wanted to tell you about Beau’s will,” he says with a smile.

  “Beau had a will? He was eighteen.”

  “You know Beau, he made me take out life insurance for him at thirteen, insisting that when he died he wanted to take care of everyone.”

  “By everyone, you mean me,” I say.

  “And Jaynie,” he replies.

  “Okay, but if you paid for his policy the money is yours, I won’t fight you for it,” I say, if he just wanted to make sure I wouldn’t fight him for the money he has nothing to worry about. I don’t need his money.

  “He took over the payments when he got his first job. I didn’t want him to, but he said you and Jaynie were so much alike and wouldn’t take the money if I paid for it. I just humoured him and let him do it, well because I didn’t think…you know what I thought. Here is his video will, that boy recorded everything.” Dane hands me a USB drive. “Please, watch it and I’ll call you in a few days to sort everything out.”

  “Why now?” I ask. “You would have known about this since his death.”

  “I don’t know, Cal. You went missing and it scared me. We haven’t been together for a long time and I love my wife, but you were my first love, the mother of my child. It brought back memories. I just wanted to know you’d be okay first, that…”

  “History wouldn’t repeat itself,” I say, finishing his sentence. One thing about Dane and me, we could always finish each other’s sentences.

  “Something like that,” he says. “I have to go, but I’ll be in touch.”

  Once he leaves, I stare at the USB drive. I need to leave for my appointment, but a voice inside my head says, ‘watch it now, you need to do this.’

  Beau’s handsome face appears on the screen; his smile lights up his face and makes me smile.

  Hi Mum, I wanted to make a video will. Jaynie thinks it’s stupid, but I know you both so well. Please, take my money, I want you to have it to do with what you want. I know you are blaming yourself for what happened to me, but don’t I know you loved me. No one is perfect, not you, not Dad, and not even me. We all do things we will regret in our life, but our mistakes don’t define us if we don’t let them. Use the money to do something great with your life. I want to look down on you-—-yep, I’m that cocky that I know I’ll be looking down—

  That makes me laugh between the tears sliding down my face.

  I want to see you happy, get married one day, and make a new life, even a do over in a way. I know what you’re thinking, and I’m not saying replace me; I’m irreplaceable, of course. When you know what you want, or who you want in this life, fight for it. Love isn’t easy and doesn’t always happen when you want it to, but please for me when it happens, jump in head first and be happy, enjoy life for me. Don’t make excuses, because you deserve all the happiness this world has to offer. I know when I go, that Uncle Billy and Amelia will be waiting for me, dying has never scared me. I’ve always known I would go early, it was leaving you all behind, especially you, that scared me. I was afraid I was the only thing holding you here and I want to tell you it’s not your time, but when you’re old and grey I’ll be waiting for you. Until that day, know I love you and I knew you loved me. Hold on to that.

  Closing my laptop, I sit there in silence reflecting on what he just said. When the anger starts to resurface, I remember I need to kill Eddie because how dare he use Beau for his own gain. Now, how do I get to him? I could call Mickki, but he’d warn Eddie I was coming and give him time to make excuses. For this I will need help from Delilah, I could make her believe I was going to profess my undying love for him. She is my ticket in. I pick up my phone and hit dial, now to make this believable.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Eddie

  Mickki is riding our asses to make sure that our last show is flawless, he wants to go out with a bang. Today he has a wardrobe rehearsal. I mean, seriously, is that even a thing? It’s not hard for me to pull off ripped jeans, usually a T that has some eighties band on the front, and my lucky leather jacket. Since I left my lucky jacket at home, the band and I have flown home for the day, plus Mickki and I had a meeting today about our record company. I humour him anyway and come upstairs to find it. I didn’t take it with me on this tour, I didn’t really want its luck to run out. How crazy is that?

  “Delilah!” I shout. “Where’s my lucky jacket?” I stand in my walk-in closet and scan the hangers for my jacket.

  “Have you looked in Callie’s room? The last time I saw you wearing it, you were down there,” she says. Just the mention of Callie’s name hits me straight in the heart. I miss her so much it bloody hurts. Go figure, I never believed that you could physically hurt from a broken heart. Now I know you can and it sucks.

  “Thanks.” Is all that I can force out of my mouth. Delilah places her hand on my shoulder, offering me comfort before she walks away. She has lectured me so many times about running to Callie, but I won’t, it has to be her coming to me. I promised myself that letting her go was what she needed and for once in my life I refuse to be selfish. I make my way down to Callie’s part of my house. Walking into her room, everything is the way we left it minus the smashed vodka bottle. Her magazines are still on the coffee table, and fresh flowers are in a vase, I know Delilah misses having her here. Her stupid floppy hat sitting on top of her book shelf. Hanging on the back of a chair is my jacket.

  I hear Mickki bellowing from the pool house, telling me to get my ass back to the living room. I pull my jacket on and follow the sound of his whiney ass.

  “We’re only here for twenty-four hours, and you’re sitting here dicking around. Jon is only available for an hour before he jets back to Paris.”

  “I’m quite capable of picking out my own pair of jeans. I have a whole side of my wardrobe full of them, just pick a colour.”

  “No Eddie, this has to be perfect. I have to have the right people in my circle now that I’m going off on my own, I won’t have your stupidity to hide behind anymore,” he says, looking awfully red in the face.

  “Who fucking pissed in your cornflakes today…Fine. Jon, come measure my crotch and be careful, that’s not a third leg in my pants,” I say and Jon tries to hide his smile.

  “Hmph.” Is all Mickki mutters and leaves the room. I stand on a stupid box se
t up in the middle of the room and Jon gets out his handy measuring tape and starts chatting away. I’m not in the mood for conversation so I throw in a few noises and that seems to appease him enough and he keeps talking. He asks me to step down and remove my jacket, as I slide it off a small metal USB falls from the pocket, Jon reaches down and hands it to me. I stare at it as I take it from his hand, it takes me a minute but I remember Callie’s kid gave me this when he was in hospital; I had totally forgotten about it. I slip it in my jeans pocket and ignore the fact that I can’t stop thinking about it being in there. Should I watch it and make sure it’s something she could handle hearing or just post it to her sisters’ house. But what if it gets lost or worse, if she gets it and relapses. The minute I think that, it’s decided I’m watching the USB.

  “Hi Eddie. Yes, I know it’s you watching this. I figured you wouldn’t be able to help yourself. You would’ve told yourself that you wanted to see what was on here, just in case mum wasn’t ready to hear what I have to say. Good, keep watching, because the first part of this video is for you. I know my mum, and after I died she would’ve done something reckless, it’s what she does. She’s never relapsed since Amelia died, but I know my death would have hit her hard. So that’s why I know you’ve broken up. What I can’t work out though, is if it was her who broke it off because she didn’t want to drag you down with her, or if it was you because you didn’t want to drag her down with your addictions. Either way, you’re both as stubborn as each other. Aunty Sasha told me a lot about you. Now I need you to do something for me. I want you to win her back and before you come up with a million excuses why you can’t, just do it because you know mum’s worth it. She’s special and needs you more than you’ll ever know, and that is why I think you should marry her now. And before you have a heart attack, answer me these few questions and if, after that, you don’t want to marry her I’ll drop it, okay. Do you love her?” he says and stares at the screen. “Do you love her, say it out loud.”

  “Yes,” I say stupidly to the screen while nodding my head.