Could This Be Love?

by Lee Kilraine

  Bob cleared his throat from behind Michelle and said, “Well, Avery, that’s because we didn’t know your birthday.”

  “Yes, you did. I wasn’t abandoned. My parents died in a car accident. You knew my birthday.”

  “We gave you a home, Avery,” Michelle said.

  “No. I used to think that. But no. You gave me a roof. And a place to sleep. And you didn’t abuse me. So, thank you for that.” Avery’s voice was hollow. “But now I realize you never gave me a home.”

  Sijan reached across the table and gripped her hand. Avery gripped back at the lifeline until her knuckles were white.

  “You never gave me love. I was five years old and had lost my parents. I was scared and starved for love. And you still couldn’t love me.”

  It was silent in the diner, except for Tansy’s sobs. Pia, who had been sitting at the counter with Tynan, moved in and gathered up Tansy. “Hey, Tans, let’s go visit the ladies’ room.”

  The bell over the other entrance to the diner interrupted the silence. Everyone turned to see Quinn and Henry Lee enter the diner. Once their gazes locked on Sijan and Avery, they walked over to their booth.

  Avery saw Sijan shake his head at Quinn, but Quinn’s attempt to draw Henry Lee back missed as he had already zipped around Michelle and Bob with excited energy. Quinn shrugged his shoulders at Sijan.

  “’Scuze me, Avery? I heard you got a hamster for ’doption. I want to be the dad.” He stood next to the booth and looked at her with serious brown eyes. “I wrote up my ’plication so you can see I’ll be the best dad a hamster can have. My daddy helped me with the spellin’ ’cause I’m not good at spellin’.”

  “Hello again, Henry Lee.” Avery pulled herself together and smiled at the boy. “Sijan mentioned you might want the hamster for a pet.”

  Quinn bent down to whisper a reminder. Henry Lee tilted his head a little to get every word, nodded, and pulled a folded piece of notebook paper out of his back pocket. He unfolded the paper carefully, holding it against his small chest as he smoothed the creases out with his hand before placing it on the table in front of her. “Quinn says I should show you this.”

  Written in blue crayon at the top of the page were the words, Why I would be a good hamster dad.

  1. I will feed him and give him clean water every day.

  2. I will spend time with him and play with him so he won’t be lonely.

  3. I promise I won’t feed him all my vegetables. Just some.

  4. I will love him ’cause babies need someone to love them and protect them.

  Avery read the list with difficulty as gathering tears blurred the carefully formed letters, until she quickly blinked them away. How could a six-year-old child “get” love, but not her foster parents?

  At her seeming hesitation, Henry Lee shuffled his feet and said, “Laney and Quinn teached me about naming pets. I was only four when Quinn let me name his dog. I’m six now.”

  “What did you name Quinn’s dog?”

  “Snot. But I know gooder now. I know booger and fartface aren’t nice names for a pet,” Henry Lee assured her, looking sincere. “And. . . and look. I been practicing this—” He cupped his hands and blew into them a few times, then stepped forward and placed his little hands on Avery’s cheeks, where they rested warm and soft. “See? I can make my hands warm before I pick up my hamster ’cause I think he’ll like it betterer.”

  Avery’s throat constricted, choking off her voice. She couldn’t speak. Was this what drowning in quicksand felt like? She swallowed to ease the tightness.

  “Some people don’t love hamsters. Mindy Tate in my class doesn’t even like them. She cries when she sees one. A hamster wants love just like a kid like me.” Henry Lee shrugged. “Some people just aren’t good at loving stuff.”

  Avery couldn’t stop her eyes from whipping up to look at Michelle and Bob.

  “You’re exactly right. Some people just aren’t good at loving stuff. Henry Lee, you sound like the perfect dad for the hamster.” Avery drew a pen out of her purse and wrote Adopted on the top of the hamster dad application.

  Henry Lee couldn’t contain his excitement. He whooped and threw himself into Avery’s arms for a hug, his little arms wrapped tight around her neck. She pulled his body in, returning the hug, and he whispered, “Thanks, Avery. I’ll be the bestest hamster dad ever!” Then he pushed out of Avery’s arms and away to high-five Quinn.

  Avery looked across the table at Sijan with wonder. “Sijan, you were right. It wasn’t me. It was never me. It was them all along. Pia used to tell me that too, but I think by that time I’d already experienced Hollywood and I couldn’t trust anyone. Especially not myself.”

  She turned to Michelle and Bob. “Oh, God. All those years. I tried so damn hard, and I thought there was something wrong with me, that you couldn’t love me and it was my fault.”

  Bob stepped forward, wrapping his arm around Michelle’s shoulders. “We don’t have to stand here listening to this lack of appreciation and crap load of ungratefulness after the years we took care of you.”

  “Lack of appreciation?” Sijan stood, the muscles in his jaw working hard, his fists clenched tight. “How can any human being not appreciate the sweetness of an innocent child?”

  Quinn stepped in with a restraining hand on Sijan’s chest.

  “I guess it’s my turn to take out the trash,” Tynan said, and brusquely ushered Bob and Michelle out the nearest exit door.

  When the bell over the door stopped tinkling, Avery stood up next to Sijan and gripped his hand. “Thank you for sticking up for me.”

  “Always, Avery.” Sijan cupped her cheek with his hand. “I’ll always be there for you.”

  Always? She was leaving soon. She had to, didn’t she? God, everything she thought she knew was turned upside down and shaken up like a snow globe. Sijan’s warm, strong hand caressed her cheek, so different from the sweet, soft warmth of Henry Lee’s hands, yet both so capable of love. They threw her back to those lonely years when she’d craved the loving touch of her parents. So desperately. She looked up into Sijan’s worried eyes. “I need to get out of here.”

  “Sure, Avery. I’ll drive you—” Sijan reached out for her, but she ducked under his arm.

  “No. Thank you, Sijan, but I need some time alone to think.” But first she would need to cry. To mourn for the child she had been, the little girl who had chased love when most little girls were chasing butterflies.

  Pia shoved her car keys in her hand. “Are you okay to drive?” At Avery’s nod, she said, “Don’t go over twenty-five. And call one of us and let us know where you are.” Pia hugged her tight.

  She turned to leave and Tansy shoved the little Chihuahua into her arms. “Here, Avery. I don’t want you to be alone. Take Spike. And Avery, I’m sorry for every stupid, selfish thing I did to you as an adult. I’m just like Michelle, and I . . . I never realized it.”

  “I didn’t either, until it was too late. It’s not too late to change, you know. But you have to stop lying and you have to stop using people.” Avery gathered Spike into her chest and turned to Sijan one last time, holding tight the tears threatening to spill. “I’ll be back to say good-bye,” she said and then she rushed out the side door.

  ***

  Sijan couldn’t breathe. This was not how his movies ended. Where the hell was the happily ever after? Good-bye? “Hell, no. I have to go after her.” He had only taken two strides toward the door when a loud thwack stopped everyone in their tracks.

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  To Sijan’s surprise, Agatha Simon smacked her cane down onto her table in her corner booth. “Sijan Cates, we did not cash in favors and use our hard-earned royalties to buy out your contracts only to have you screw this up now.”

  “That’s right, Sijan,” Beatrice said, sitting across from her. “Let her have some time to think, young man.”

  “Beatrice and Agatha? You bought our contracts? How did you manage that?” Sijan asked, incredulous. �
��And why?”

  “The how was easy. A few of our dear Hollywood friends owed us some favors. We simply called them in, added a small investment on our part, and there you have it, Sijan.” Agatha sipped her tea calmly, as if this explanation cleared everything up.

  Sijan walked to stand next to their booth, looking from one sister to the other. “Hollywood friends? What am I missing here, ladies?”

  Beatrice fluffed her short hair. “We were quite the thing in the Hollywood film scene in the sixties, Sijan. Maybe not your level of stardom, but we were in constant demand for supporting roles and on the Hollywood social scene. It wasn’t a successful party until the Simon sisters arrived.”

  Agatha nodded in agreement. “And as to what you’re missing, dear boy, what haven’t you been missing these past few weeks? You’ve been like a baseball catcher with a giant hole in his mitt. That’s why we had to step in and help, isn’t it, Beatrice?”

  “Oh my, yes, that’s right.” Beatrice put down her cup of tea and nodded her head. “It was getting downright painful to watch. We underestimated how much help you would need on your wooing. Oh, we’ve never seen such terrible wooers as you Cates brothers.”

  That got Tynan and Quinn’s attention too. Tynan walked over to stand next to Sijan, arms crossed over his chest as if daring them to say that again. “Wooing? Excuse me, ladies, but who said I need help on my wooing?”

  “Your poor mother has been ready for grandbabies for a few years now, but you boys keep dithering.” Agatha’s gaze held censure. “We didn’t help Quinn, and look how long it took the boy to finally go after Delaney.”

  “Ladies, if I’d known you were offering help, trust me, I’d have asked.” Quinn threw them a wink, which had them blushing and giggling.

  Tynan cleared his throat, getting their attention back. “What’s wrong with my wooing?”

  “Land sakes, Tynan, you scare women.” Beatrice looked across the table at Agatha with a furrowed brow. “We’ve got our work cut out for us with that one, dear. We’ll have to be on the lookout for a strong woman for him.”

  “I’ll find my own damn woman when I’m good and ready,” Tynan grumbled.

  Sijan pulled a chair over and sat at the end of their booth. “If it hadn’t been for the contracts, I wouldn’t have had these last few weeks with Avery. She had already written me off, so thank you for that. But why did you include Ferris?”

  “Young love can be so uncertain and leave deep scars. We wanted her to have a chance to be sure of her past”—Agatha looked archly over at Sijan—“and her future.”

  “Speaking of the future, I think I should go after her.” Tynan drummed his fingers on the table. “Isn’t that part of the ‘wooing’ process?”

  Beatrice patted his hand. “Dear, you’re trying to handle this like An Officer and a Gentleman, where you go sweep her off her feet. That won’t do at all here, will it, Agatha?”

  “Not at all. The situation you have is more of a Sleepless in Seattle, only the roles are reversed and Avery needs time to grieve over what she lost here today. And accept what she gained.”

  Because her world had just flipped on its axis and she wasn’t who she’d thought she was. Sijan got that. But damn, he wanted to hold her in his arms and let her know how easy she was to love. Apparently, she needed time more. What were we talking here? Hours? Days? Weeks? He ran a hand through his hair and pushed up from the table to stand in front of Pia. “How much time will she need?”

  “On account of I’m not psychic, that’s hard to say, ace. But here’s the thing about our girl, Sijan. She’s a born optimist. It is hard to keep her down for long. She’s battled plenty of storms in her life, but she always finds the rainbow at the end.” Pia poked him in the chest with her finger. “Always.”

  Sijan took a deep breath. “Okay. I’ll give her space. I can do that. Sure, I can.” Sijan paced down the row between booths, looked at his watch, and paced back. “But if you had to guess—”

  Pia gave him her drill sergeant look.

  “I’ve got this, Pia, hon.” Renee walked by and pushed him down into his booth, setting a slice of banana cream pie in front of him. “Here, Sijan. Sit and eat. That’s an order. By the way, one thing keeps bugging me about this whole deal.” Renee tucked her serving tray under her arm and turned to Pia. “If Avery didn’t need Sijan’s help to jump-start her career, and word in the Grapevine is she doesn’t, why did she get her picture in the paper with him?”

  Sijan and everyone else in the diner turned to look at Pia. Of course Sijan couldn’t care less what the reason was. It wasn’t going to change how he felt about Avery. It was curious, though, since it seemed out of character for who he knew her to be.

  Pia looked around at all the waiting, avid faces. She glanced at Tansy. “You want to take this one, Tansy, or should I?”

  “She did it for me.” Tansy cleared her throat and gripped her shaking hands together. “She thought I needed a bone marrow transplant, only it turned out I was pregnant instead.”

  “Did you lie to her?” Sijan’s voice cut through the sudden chatter in the diner. He knew Tansy too well after she’d tried to suck the lips from his face in the gym.

  “I didn’t lie!” Tansy wailed and her face crumpled. “Not about what the doctor said. I . . . I just never told her I was pretty sure I was pregnant even though the first test was negative. I didn’t want her to be mad at me. The kit in the hotel room was mine.”

  By this time, Tansy was full-on crying and hyperventilating, throwing frantic looks at Pia as if begging Pia to step in and take over. Pia shook her head. “Darn, I forgot to stock up on sympathy the last time it went on sale. Finish it, Tansy.”

  “I lied about not knowing where our family was. When the doctor said I might need bone marrow, Avery knew my best chance for a donor was in our family. Our missing family. She figured she’d use Sijan to get her photo in the paper and my mom, Michelle, would see it and call. So A . . . Avery got her picture with Sijan in The Tattler for me.”

  Tynan whistled and shook his head. “Talk about a crazy plan. And it worked.”

  “Well, it did and it didn’t,” Pia said. “Sure, she found Michelle and Bob, but she lost the quiet, private life she’s built for the last five years. She had hoped only her family would recognize her.”

  Sijan was wrong. Knowing did change how he felt about Avery. Was it possible to fall in love with the same woman twice? He was pretty sure that’s what had just happened. Her crazy “president of the Sijan Cates fan club” plan had worked. Michelle had called her . . . right in the middle of him accusing her of trying to get pregnant. If it were possible to go back in time and kick his own ass, he would.

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  Avery drove away from Dave’s Diner and Climax at a steady, calm twenty-five miles per hour. Her hands gripped the steering wheel as if it were the only anchor keeping her from flying to pieces. She didn’t know where to go. She didn’t know what to think. But she knew she’d get a speeding ticket if she drove as fast as her mind was churning.

  Spike barked from the seat next to her. She turned her head and his eyes snagged hers. Something about this dog, Tansy’s dog, had been poking at her, but she couldn’t put her finger on it. She tore her gaze away and back to the road in front of her. Spike moved from barking to crying. Avery glanced over again and his big brown eyes sucked her in. He was desperately begging her for something. She was afraid she had nothing to give. When he moved from crying to a long, lonely howl, Avery pulled the car into the nearest parking lot and turned to Spike, who waited for . . . what? Attention? Love? Sheer human contact?

  “You’re just like me, aren’t you, little guy?” Avery realized why she’d been fixated on the dog ever since she had seen him in Tansy’s arms. “Like everything else in Michelle’s life, you just want to be loved.”

  She reached over and picked up the small dog, holding him up to look into her eyes for a face-to-face, his little butt resting on her palm. “Spike, you
look just like Tansy. And just like me. Little lost souls wanting to be loved. There’s nothing wrong with you, buddy. You’re perfectly loveable. Not only that, you deserve love. We all do.

  “You know what you do, Spike, when you want someone to love you, but, in little ways, they constantly tell you you’re not good enough? You try to be the very best little girl in the whole world. And when that doesn’t work, you decide there must be something wrong with you.” Avery hugged Spike into her chest under her chin. “As you grow up, you learn better, but it’s too late because you internalized the idea that you were lacking years ago.”

  Spike stretched up and licked her chin. “That’s right, buddy, unconditional love. And trust. They’ve been out of my reach my whole life . . . my Holy Grail.”

  The more she thought about it, though, the more she realized it wasn’t pain she was feeling, not anymore, but relief. Somehow, maybe instinctively, she’d navigated her life to a new reality. In fact, how had she missed that she’d created a family of her own? Pia was the sister Tansy never had been capable of being. Jeff and Kent were like little brothers. Sure, she’d put romance on hold for a few years, but her heart and mind had needed time to heal from her Hollywood experiences. As time passed, almost without her noticing, her emotional scars had faded so she could be ready when the right man walked into her life. When Sijan walked into her life. Okay, so he hadn’t walked into her life. She’d photo-bombed his.

  Sijan may not be in love with her, but there was something powerful there. At the very least, care and respect. Those were good things. Heck, those were great things. “Spike, why am I running away from everything I ever wanted? Everything I ever needed?”

  Avery turned the car around and headed back to Climax and Sijan. She definitely drove faster than twenty-five miles an hour on the return trip.

  Pia grinned when Avery walked through the door, the bell, of course, catching everyone’s attention. “Twenty minutes, Sijan. But I’d bet she was speeding.”