by Bob Stine
"King Roland, come in," he said. The telewall showed nothing but static. "This is Eagle Five. We have your daughter. We're heading for Planet Druidia."
Vespa grabbed the microphone away from him. "Daddy, I'm free. Change the combination to the air shield. Quick! The Spaceballs are on the way. Come in, Daddy. Come in...."
"No good," Barf said, staring at the static-filled screen. "We can't get through. The televiewer is totally busted."
"Does this mean we can't watch Wheel of Fortune?" the worried Princess asked.
Chapter 19
As Spaceball One rumbled closer and closer to Planet Druidia, Dark Helmet, Sandurz, and President Skroob watched from the command center. Wide smiles crossed their faces as the planet's air shield came into view. Inside the shield could be seen fluffy white clouds, clear blue skies, and, beneath them, a lush green landscape.
"So, at last! Planet Druidia!" Skroob declared happily. "Ten thousand years of fresh air for our people to breathe!"
"Won't last us a hundred the way he runs things," Dark Helmet muttered under his breath.
"What?" Skroob asked.
"I said, Beautiful, isn't it," Dark Helmet replied.
"All right. Let's get on with it," Skroob ordered.
Sandurz snapped to attention. "Yes, Mr. President." He spoke into the intercom. "Prepare ship for metamorphosis."
"Ready, Kafka?" Lord Helmet called into the intercom.
"Ready, Lord Helmet," Kafka called back.
"Kafka? I thought his name was Chekhov," Skroob said, confused.
"You're thinking of another space show," Lord Helmet told him.
"How did a literary joke like that get into a book like this?" Skroob asked, totally confused.
***
As Spaceball One prepared its metamorphosis, the Eagle Five rumbled closer. "Look. It's Spaceball One," Lone Starr cried, pointing out the windscreen. "They've reached the air shield."
"Look - the air shield is opening!" the alarmed Dot cried.
"But their ship is too big," Lone Starr said. "Everyone knows it's the biggest, widest, longest ship ever built. They'll never get through."
"Yeah," Barf agreed. "How're they going to get the air out? I don't see hoses or anything."
"What - what's happening?" Vespa cried, staring out at Spaceball One. "Their ship - it's changing!"
"Omigosh!" Barf exclaimed, his ears shooting up in astonishment. "Spaceball One ... it's not just a spaceship. It's a ... Transformer!"
As our startled heroes watched, Spaceball One slowly transformed itself from a spaceship - into a gigantic robot MAID!
"Look - the maid has a vacuum cleaner!" Lone Starr exclaimed. "So that's how they're going to get the air!"
***
Spaceball One completely transformed into a robot maid holding a gigantic, upright vacuum cleaner. Its face and head, formerly the bridge area of the ship, vaguely resembled the face and head of the Statue of Liberty.
Inside the crown, Dark Helmet beamed proudly. "Metamorphosis completed," he announced. "Spaceball One has now become ... Mega-Maid!"
"I DON'T DO WINDOWS!" came the booming voice of Mega-Maid.
"Commence Operation Vacu-Drive!" Dark Helmet commanded.
Instantly, the gigantic maid's hand reached down to the switch on the vacuum cleaner marked ON, OFF, and REVERSE. The robot thumb switched it to the ON position. Then Mega-Maid pushed the roaring vacuum cleaner to the open window of the air shield.
The fluffy white clouds were the first things to be sucked into the huge maw of the all-powerful vacuum cleaner. SWOOSH. An entire grove of trees were pulled straight up to the sky, and vanished, leaving only bare ground.
The vacuum cleaner moved over a snow-covered mountain. SWOOSH! The snowcap was sucked right off the mountaintop.
Mega-Maid moved the vacuum quickly, efficiently, sucking up all the air, all the atmosphere, everything in its path....
In Castle Druidia, alone in his throne room, King Roland sat, holding a picture of his daughter, staring at it fondly, sadly. Gasping for air, he slumped back in his throne and closed his eyes. The Princess's picture fell to the floor with a clatter of breaking glass.
In a few seconds, there would be no air for the King or anyone else to breathe. Planet Druidia would be no more.
Chapter 20
Lone Starr and the others looked on helplessly from the cockpit of the Eagle Five as Mega-Maid continued to vacuum the atmosphere from Princess Vespa's beloved planet. "The air bag!" Vespa cried. "It's almost full. What'll we do?"
"I suppose they have a way to change the air bag," Barf said.
"That's not what I meant!" the Princess cried.
"We've got to act fast," Lone Starr said, staring straight ahead at the monstrous robot maid.
"Good thinking, Boss," Barf said, slapping him on the back.
Lone Starr ignored his sidekick's sarcasm. "Step One, we reverse that vacuum and blow the air back onto the planet. Step Two, we destroy that maid."
"But isn't that dangerous?" Vespa asked, her voice filled with concern.
"Extremely," Lone Starr told her, taking her hand. "Plus, I don't know how the heck we're gonna do it!"
They stared at each other in silence. Mega-Maid's vacuum cleaner continued to roar.
"How about that ring Yogurt gave you?" Barf suggested.
"Oh, yeah." Lone Starr snapped his fingers. "I forgot about it. Now, where'd I put that thing? I think I lost it." He began to search his pockets.
Barf groaned and threw up his hands. "You lose everything," he told Lone Starr. "Your library card, your bus pass, and now ... the Ring of the Schwartz."
"Is this what you're looking for?" Vespa asked. She picked the silver ring up from the control panel.
"Yeah. That's it," Lone Starr said, taking it from her and slipping it onto his middle finger. "Okay. Here goes nothing."
He stepped up to the windscreen and pointed his finger at the switch on the vacuum cleaner. Then he concentrated with all his might. The others watched in suspense as the ring began to glow and then hum.
"It ... it's working!" Barf cried.
The force of the Schwartz slowly turned the vacuum's switch from ON to OFF. The deafening roar of the vacuum immediately ceased.
"Come on, Schwartz! Come on, Schwartz!" Barf cried, jumping up and down like a cheerleader.
With a resounding click that echoed off the stars, the vacuum switched from OFF to REVERSE. The vacuum roared to life again, this time blowing the air back into the planet. The air bag quickly deflated.
Down in King Roland's throne room, the drapes began to blow. Vespa's photograph began to flutter on the floor. The King took a deep breath of fresh air and opened his eyes. "Hey! I'm breathing! I'm breathing air!" he cried. He jumped up jubilantly. "Air! I love it! I love air!"
Outside the castle, the grove of trees plopped back down in place. The snowcap dropped back onto the mountaintop. The clouds popped one by one back into the sky. The people of Druidia took a deep breath and began to celebrate.
But up on the Eagle Five, there was no time for celebration. "Let's go," Lone Starr said grimly. "We've got to destroy the maid now."
"Couldn't'we just give her two weeks' notice?" the Princess asked.
Lone Starr was concentrating too hard to hear her. He guided the Eagle Five into the dark hole of Mega-Maid's ear. The windscreen went black as they flew inside the immense robot's head.
Lone Starr flicked on the scanner and studied it as he guided the spaceship. "There's got to be a self-destruct mechanism somewhere in the central brain area," he said, staring into the screen.
The scanner began to beep. "I think I found it," Lone Starr told them. "There it is, right below us in the ear canal. Put her in hover, Barf. I'm going down there."
A few moments later, the courageous Lone Starr was descending the rope ladder from the Eagle Five. He dropped to the floor of the ear canal. He looked around, opened a door marked: EMERGENCY EXIT, and went in. He didn't realize that he
had tripped a silent alarm.
***
High above in the bridge area, Dark Helmet and the other Spaceballs were in a state of confusion. "What's going on? What happened to Mega-Maid?" Dark Helmet cried. "Why is it so hard to get good help these days?"
Suddenly, the radar operator interrupted. "Sir, I'm picking up a silent alarm in the self-destruct complex."
Dark Helmet hurried over to the security monitor. On the screen, he saw a familiar figure making his way down one of the lower corridors.
"Lone Starr!" Dark Helmet cried.
"I'll call the guards," Sandurz said.
"No!" Dark Helmet held him back. "He's mine!" He slipped on his onyx ring. "I'll handle this...."
***
Down in the self-destruct center, Lone Starr crept up on a door that said: NO UNAUTHORIZED OR AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL PERMITTED TO ENTER. He overpowered the guard with a quick karate chop and quickly entered the inner ear chamber.
Focusing his eyes in the darkness, he saw the self-destruct mechanism at one end. On the other end was the guard's quarters, a stainless steel bunk bed, a locker, and a small washstand.
A guard stood shaving at the sink, his face covered with shaving cream. A large towel on a rack beside him had a huge picture of Dark Helmet on it, and the words: SPACEBALLS - THE TOWEL.
Startled at seeing another guard, Lone Starr reached for his gun. He didn't have it.
"Is that you, Mylar?" the guard called over his shoulder.
Lone Starr looked desperately for a weapon. He spotted something. A can of shaving cream stood on the washstand. The label read: SPACEBALLS - THE SHAVING CREAM.
Lone Starr aimed the Ring of the Schwartz at the shaving cream and concentrated with all his might. The shaving cream can began to tremble. Then it floated right into Lone Starr's waiting hand.
The guard spun around. "What the - Who are you?" he cried.
"You forgot your eyes," Lone Starr said. SPLURT SPLURT. With two quick bursts, he covered the guard's eyes with shaving cream. The guard opened his mouth to scream for help. But Lone Starr filled that with shaving cream, too. Then a quick karate chop dropped the helpless guard.
Lone Starr hurried over to the self-destruct mechanism. He found it inside a Lucite case. Below it, a sign read: SELF-DESTRUCT BUTTON: DO NOT PUSH UNLESS YOU REALLY REALLY MEAN IT.
Lone Starr really really meant it. He raised his finger and prepared to push the self-destruct button.
But he was interrupted by a voice from behind him. "Not so fast..." Dark Helmet said.
Chapter 21
Lone Starr whirled around to face his opponent. "Dark Helmet!" he cried.
"So, Lone Starr," said Dark Helmet, his voice sounding tinny and distant behind his visor, "at last we meet for the first time for the last time."
"Wha?" Lone Starr asked.
Dark Helmet flipped up his visor. "I said, So, Lone Starr, at last we meet for the first time for the last time."
"Oh," Lone Starr replied.
There wasn't time for any more of this sparkling conversation. Dark Helmet raised his ring and pointed it at Lone Starr. A force beam shot off the ring.
Lone Starr raised his ring just in time, and blocked the shot with his own beam. The room crackled with an explosion of flaring energy.
"What the - How d'ja do that?" Dark Helmet cried in surprise. "If there's anything I despise, it's a fair fight," he scowled. "But if I must, I must. May the best man win." He extended his hand.
Lone Starr reached forward and shook hands with him. And when he pulled back his hand, the ring was no longer on his finger. Dark Helmet had palmed it.
"Ha-ha! You fool!" Dark Helmet tossed the ring to the floor. They both watched it roll down a grate. "Now, say good-bye," sneered Dark Helmet.
Lone Starr took a step back, but there was nowhere to run. The deadly green beam shot out of Dark Helmet's ring. Lone Starr took a deep breath and executed a spectacular, Baryshnikov-type ballet leap and midair split, touching his toes with his hands.
"Bravo! Bravo!" Dark Helmet cheered. "But what do you do for an encore?"
Dark Helmet moved closer, raising the ring for another shot. Lone Starr shielded himself with his hands. He realized he was trapped and helpless.
Suddenly, he heard the voice of Yogurt, echoing in his mind. "Use the Schwartz, Lone Starr. Use the Schwartz."
"I can't. I lost the ring," Lone Starr said.
"I know you did," Dark Helmet told him, looking around to see who he was talking to. "I was there, remember?"
"Forget the ring. The ring is bupkis," the voice of Yogurt told Lone Starr. "I found it in a Cracker jack box. It was never the ring. It was you. It was always you."
Lone Starr's face filled with confusion. He couldn't decide whether to believe Yogurt or not. But, he realized, what choice did he have? One direct hit from Dark Helmet's ring, and he'd be yogurt himself!
Out of the corner of his eye, Lone Starr spotted the shaving mirror on the shelf above the sink. He closed his eyes and concentrated.
A triumphant grin spread across Dark Helmet's face. "Here it comes, Lone Starr," he said, aiming his ring.
The mirror flew into Lone Starr's hand. The beam shot out of Dark Helmet's ring - reflected off the mirror - and slammed back into Dark Helmet with helmet-shattering force.
"Nooooooo! Hoo, boy!" Dark Helmet screamed and crumpled to the floor, writhing in agony.
Lone Starr put down the mirror. "Maybe that'll give you something to reflect on, Dark Helmet," he said. Then he ran to the Lucite case, flipped the lid open, and determinedly pressed the self-destruct button.
Alarms rang out. Sirens wailed. The screams of terrified crew members filled the vast chambers of Mega-Maid.
Up top, Colonel Sandurz picked up the intercom mike and began screaming. "Attention. Attention. Abandon spaceship. Abandon spaceship. Why am I repeating everything? Why am I repeating everything? Let's just get out of here! All personnel proceed to escape pods."
His frantic announcement set off a wild stampede as all the crew members leaped up from their posts and ran to the escape pods.
A few seconds later, everyone had left. "In exactly thirty seconds," the mechanical voice on the loudspeaker announced, "this ship will self-destruct."
Suddenly, Sandurz and Dark Helmet appeared back on the bridge. "Somebody stole my pod," Sandurz said, looking dazed.
"Somebody stole my pod," Dark Helmet said, sounding equally surprised.
"Nobody stole my pod!" President Skroob announced from across the chamber. He opened the door and started in. "So long, boys. It's been great."
"Oh, no, you don't!" Sandurz pulled Skroob out of the escape pod. Immediately, Dark Helmet leaped in and started to buckle himself up.
"Oh, no, you don't!" President Skroob grabbed Dark Helmet and pulled him out. While they wrestled, Sandurz climbed in.
"Oh, no, you don't!" Dark Helmet grabbed Sandurz and pulled him out. Skroob jumped back in and pulled the lever. Dark Helmet and Sandurz pulled him out.
The doors closed.
The pod took off.
The three Spaceballs stood and stared at each other. "You idiot!" they cried in unison.
"In exactly ten seconds," announced the loudspeaker, "this ship will self-destruct. Counting down. Ten, nine, eight, six - "
"Wait! What happened to seven?" Skroob cried.
"Just kidding!" said the loudspeaker. "Seven, five, four...."
Skroob, Dark Helmet, and Sandurz huddled together in the bridge, clutching each other desperately.
"...Three, two, one.... Zero. Have a nice day."
A blinding orange-white light was followed by an explosion that rocked the galaxy. The head and arm of Mega-Maid sailed off into the heavens as the rest of the gigantic craft broke into tiny bits that flew in every direction.
***
Seconds before the explosion to end all explosions, the Eagle Five had burst out of Mega-Maid's ear, roaring away at full throttle.
"Yahoo! We made it!" B
arf cried.
Then they watched the awesome explosion as the Spaceball craft self-destructed and knew that victory really was theirs.
"You did it!" Princess Vespa cried happily to Lone Starr. "I don't know how - but you did it!"
"Nothin' to it," Lone Starr said nonchalantly. "In one ear and out the other."
And then he fainted.
Chapter 22
Carrying its four happy passengers, the Eagle Five flew through the opening in the air shield and into the beautiful skies of Planet Druidia. As Lone Starr guided the ship down, Barf took a quick snooze, his big feet up on the control panel. Suddenly, his foot slipped. He kicked the intercom switch. Lone Starr found himself eavesdropping on the Princess in the rear compartment.
"I don't care," Vespa was saying to Dot, her voice filled with emotion. "I don't love Prince Valium. I love Lone Starr."
"You have no choice, my dear," Dot's voice came over the intercom. "You are a princess. You must marry a prince."
"I don't care," Vespa whined. "I love Lone Starr, and I know he loves me. I can see it in his eyes. I'd give up everything for him. Everything. And I'm going to tell him right now."
Lone Starr's face filled with surprise. Thinking quickly, he realized that, despite his feelings for her, he couldn't let the Princess throw away everything for him.
He shook Barf awake. "Listen," he whispered, "whatever I say, just go along with it - understand?"
"Huh? Wha?" Barf was still half asleep.
In his rearview mirror, Lone Starr saw the Princess entering the cockpit. He began talking loudly to Barf, pretending to be in the middle of a conversation. "In love with the Princess? Are you kidding? It was all an act."
The Princess stopped at the curtain, hurt and bewildered.
"But you told me you thought she was terrific," Barf replied, not catching on.
Lone Starr gave him a hard kick under the control panel and pointed back to the curtain. "Yeah, a terrifically silly, self-centered, spoiled brat," Lone Starr said.
