by Bob Stine
"Oh, yeah. Yeah. That was it," Barf said, finally getting it.
"I can't wait to get rid of her and collect that reward - a million spacebucks," Lone Starr continued loudly.
Tears began to roll down Yespa's cheek. She turned and ran back to the rear compartment.
"I don't know what you had in mind," Barf said to Lone Starr, shaking his head. "But if you wanted her to stop loving you, you sure did a good job."
Lone Starr frowned and looked away. "Yeah, well, I wasn't gonna let her give up being a princess just so she can hang out with a space bum for the rest of her life."
Barf shrugged. "Have it your way. I think I'll watch some TV."
He turned on the TV set. A computerized newsman appeared on the screen. "And on a sadder note," the newsman said, "Pizza the Hutt, half man, half pizza, was found dead earlier this morning in his Vega condominium. Cause of death was reported to be suicide. He got locked in his room and ate himself to death. Coming up next, Gary's review of Rocky Ten Thousand...."
Barf clicked off the TV. "Hey, Boss, didja hear that?" he asked. "Pizza kicked the bucket. Now we don't have to pay him the million. We can keep it all."
"Yeah," Lone Starr said glumly. "I heard."
He wasn't thinking about the million spacebucks he'd get to keep. He was thinking about the beautiful Princess he'd just lost.
Chapter 23
Happiness and celebration reigned on Planet Druidia. The planet's atmosphere had been returned. Their beautiful Princess had been rescued and brought home. And her wedding to Prince Valium was about to be held again.
In the First Intergalactic Temple, Vespa, back in her wedding gown, stood at the top of the aisle, ready to walk down to her sleepy-eyed groom. "Are you all right, my dear?" King Roland asked. "You will stop when you reach the altar this time, won't you?"
"Don't worry, Father," Vespa said. "I'm completely over that pilot. He didn't even stay for the wedding. Just grabbed his million spacebucks and ran."
"But he didn't take the million," King Roland told her.
Vespa gasped in surprise. "He didn't?"
"No," the King said. "He just took two hundred and forty-eight spacebucks for lunch, gas, and tolls."
"The Wedding March" began. King Roland offered Vespa his hand, and they started down the aisle. Prince Valium yawned up at her as she approached, but the Princess didn't see him. Her mind was spinning from what her father had just told her.
***
Thousands of miles away in space, Lone Starr glumly guided the Eagle Five. "I still can't believe you turned down the money!" Barf cried for the eight-thousandth time. "At least we could've stayed for the wedding feast. I'm starving! We got anything to eat?"
"No," Lone Starr said, lost in melancholy thoughts. "Oh. Wait a minute." He reached into his shirt pocket. "Yogurt gave me a fortune cookie. You can have it."
Barf eagerly took the cookie and broke it open. But instead of a paper fortune, a shimmering ray of light poured out of the cookie. The light quickly formed itself into the figure of Yogurt.
"Hiya, fellas. How's it goin'? Nice to see ya. How ya been?" the image of Yogurt said cheerfully. "Ready for your fortune? You know that medallion you wear around your neck that you don't know what it means?"
"Yes," Lone Starr said.
"Don't interrupt a holographic recording," Yogurt scolded. "Well ... it's a royal birth certificate. Your father was a king. Your mother was a queen. Which makes you a certified prince."
"Hey! I'm a prince! Whaddaya know!" Lone Starr's mood changed immediately. "That means...."
"That means, if you hurry, there could be a princess in your future," Yogurt said. "Now, if you want to get back there before she marries Sleeping Beauty, there's a can of special fuel in your glove compartment." With a shimmer of light, the image of Yogurt faded and disappeared.
"Barf! Quick! Open the glove compartment!" Lone Starr cried.
Barf pulled open the glove compartment and pulled out a small can. It was labeled LIQUID SCHWARTZ.
"Wow! Liquid Schwartz! What's the octane on that?" Barf exclaimed.
"Just pour it in the gas tank!" Lone Starr said impatiently. "Then, hang on, Barf-O - we're gonna make spacetracks!"
A few seconds later, the sound of screeching rubber echoed through space as the Eagle Five made a sharp U-turn. Then the ship sped off so fast it left skid marks in the sky.
Chapter 24
"Dearly beloved," began the minister, standing before the royal couple. "We are gathered here together ... again ... to join - "
"Why didn't you tell me he didn't take the money?" Vespa asked her father, who was standing behind her.
"I didn't think it was important," King Roland whispered.
"May we continue, please?" the annoyed minister asked. "We are gathered here to join Princess Vespa and Prince - "
"I see it all now," the Princess said loudly to her father. "He said all those terrible things so I'd hate him. He was sacrificing himself so I wouldn't give up the throne. Don't you see? He loves me!"
"Excuse me," the minister broke in. "I'm trying to conduct a wedding here, which has nothing to do with love. Knock it off, okay, Your Highness?"
"I'm sorry," Vespa said.
The minister began again. But this time he was interrupted by the roar of Eagle Five's engines as it landed outside the temple. "That's him! I know it's him! He's come back!" Vespa cried.
"That's it!" the exasperated minister cried. "I'm not taking any more chances. We're doing the short version." He began speaking as fast as he could. "Do-you-Prince-Valium-take-Princess-Vespa-to-be-yourlawfullyweddedwife?
"I do," Valium said dreamily.
"Princess-Vespa-do-you-take-Prince-Valium-to-beyourlawfullyweddedhusband?" the minister asked.
"She doesn't!" called a voice from the rear of the temple.
All eyes turned to see Lone Starr, resplendent in a white-and-gold-silk prince outfit - and even clean-shaven! Beside him, Barf looked as if he had just had a fancy grooming at a Beverly Hills poodle parlor.
"Who are you?" the minister called out.
"Prince Lone Starr!" the shiny new Lone Starr declared proudly.
"You're a prince?" Vespa cried.
"Yeah. Do you believe it? I just found out," Lone Starr told her, pointing to his medallion. "I'm an honest-to-goodness certified prince. Will you marry me?"
"Wait," the Princess replied. "Let me think it over. YES!"
"I'm sick of this," the minister said, stamping his foot. "I don't care who it is, but I'm going to marry somebody today." He pointed to Lone Starr. "You! Get down here!"
A wide grin spread across Lone Starr's face as he ambled down the aisle. Barf rushed ahead, picked up Prince Valium as if he were a potted plant, and set him down in a pew. "Excuse me. We won't be needing you anymore," Barf said to him.
"Oh. All right." Valium yawned.
"Okay, here we go," the minister said as Lone Starr stepped to the Princess's side. "The short short version." He looked at Lone Starr. "Do you?"
"Yes," Lone Starr said.
The minister looked at Vespa. "Do you?"
"Yes," Vespa said.
"You're married. Kiss the bride."
As Lone Starr and Vespa kissed, all of the bells on Planet Druidia began to chime out in celebration. Seeing them together, everyone in the temple knew that they would live happily ever after - or until Spaceballs Two - whichever came first!
***
Millions of miles away in another galaxy, a beautiful blue marble of a planet, a planet of green earth and gently rolling seas, spun silently on its orbit around a wanning sun.
Suddenly, two objects fell from the sky and landed on the planet with a resounding plop. The first object was Mega-Maid's huge head, which landed upright in the sand. Beside it, landed her right arm, still holding the vacuum handle, which pointed skyward. The strange structures looked surprisingly like the top of the Statue of Liberty.
After a few moments, three small figures began t
o lower themselves one by one from her left nostril. Clinging to a knotted rope of bedsheets were Dark Helmet, Sandurz, and Skroob.
In the distance, two riders, seeing this strange sight, reigned in their horses. The riders were apes, wearing dark robes.
"What are those things coming out of her nose?" the first ape asked, shielding his eyes with his hand.
The second ape looked through a pair of binoculars. "Spaceballs!" he exclaimed.
"Uh-oh," declared the first ape. "There goes the planet!"
THE END
