by Candy Harper
‘We don’t like losers in this family. If you fail you can sleep on the floor tonight.’
‘I won’t fail.’ And she bared her dentures in an impressively aggressive fashion. I’m amazed she hasn’t had them sharpened into fangs.
I found Megs, Cam, Ang, Elliot, and Westy under the clock tower as arranged. Ethan and Lily were late.
‘Is Dawn coming?’ I asked Westy in a super casual fashion.
‘Don’t think so. They don’t, you know, go everywhere together all the time.’
I couldn’t help being a tiny bit pleased.
When Ethan turned up five minutes later I tried not to notice that he was looking rather nice. He was wearing a pale blue t-shirt. I’m not used to seeing him in light colours. It made him look sort of softer. I found myself staring at the point where his arm came out of the sleeve. I wanted to push back the fabric and touch his shoulder.
We walked through town and positioned ourselves near the end of the float route, where it was less crowded.
‘Best spot for making sarcastic remarks,’ Ethan said to me. ‘By the time they get here hopefully half their float will have blown away and the carnival princesses will be pulling each other’s hair.’
‘That’s a bit of a stereotype,’ I said. ‘I’m sure carnival princesses are quite capable of sorting out their differences in a civilised fashion.’
‘Like you do?’ he asked.
‘Yep. And we all know that that means a sensible discussion followed by a swift wallop to anyone who still disagrees with me.’
The sun was out, but it was pretty windy. I hoped that whatever Granny’s costume was made of, that it was strong enough to hold up to a stiff breeze.
The first float came round the corner. It had some sort of love theme and was covered in hearts and flowers in a bewildering range of pinks, reds and oranges.
‘Wow,’ Ethan said. ‘That’s eye-catching.’
‘Mmm hmm, definitely feels like they’ve caught my eyes. On fish hooks.’
‘Look.’ Ethan pointed back at the float. ‘They’re dancing.’
The three middle aged couples on the float were attempting a tango.
He grimaced. ‘I hope the next float is an ambulance one. I can hear their backs cracking from here.’
The wind was whipping about making my eyes water. I wiped at them.
‘Is that a tear of joy?’ Ethan asked. ‘Are you moved by the spectacle, Faith?’
I smacked him on the arm. ‘Actually, their wrinkly grinding has ruptured my already damaged eyes and now I’ve got eyeball fluid running down my cheeks.’
He snorted. ‘You’re funny.’
Which I knew was a huge compliment coming from him. ‘Thanks. You should try cracking a few jokes yourself, instead of being so serious and polite all the time.’
He grinned at me. ‘Faith, I know we’ve had our ups and downs but I just wanted t—’
‘Yoo-hoo! Faith!’ someone bellowed from a passing float.
I froze.
Obviously, it was Granny interrupting what was clearly something very important and heartfelt that Ethan was about to say.
I turned round and the theme of Granny’s float was revealed in all its terrifying glory: Hawaii.
I knew this immediately because Granny was wearing a hula skirt.
And not much else.
If anyone else’s grandparents wear skirts made of grass and a cropped t-shirt that says ‘I’ll have a pina colada’ I’m pretty sure that they only do it at appropriate times such as on a tropical island several thousand miles away, or thirty years before their grandchildren are born.
‘Cover your eyes!’ I said to Ethan, but this only made him stare even harder to see what I was shrieking about. I put myself between him and the float, but despite what Icky says about the size of my hips there were only so many beach-ready geriatrics I could block from his view.
Granny was waving at Ethan.
And he was actually waving back. ‘Your grandma’s great.’
‘She’s a great something. Idiot is the word that comes to mind.’
‘But your family get along, don’t they?’
‘That’s not exactly how I would describe it.’
‘You spend time together. I think that’s brilliant.’
Granny was blowing him kisses. Then she spotted Westy, who she’s got a real soft spot for and she threw him her garland of flowers. Fortunately, the float finally passed us before she could whip off anything else and lob it at a crowd of strangely amused teenage boys.
‘She always has fun though, doesn’t she?’ Ethan laughed. ‘I like that. That’s what I like about you too.’
So it would seem that Spawn is Ethan’s favourite girl closely followed by my own grandmother while I limp in third. Marvellous.
LATER
We had some chips and sat in the park until it got dark enough to enjoy the funfair. I don’t know why they don’t keep the waltzers on the green all year round. It would liven things up a bit. There was a really good atmosphere. I think it was because everybody was so happy that it hadn’t rained.
‘Do you want to go on that?’ Lily asked and she pointed at a ride called Chaos that was like a giant arm with a carriage on, that swung back and forth, higher and higher, until eventually you went right over the top.
Megs sucked in her breath ‘I don’t know, I’m not that keen on heights.’
‘I am,’ Ang said, her face all lit up, ‘I love them. I’ll go on it. What about you, Faith?’
‘Yep, come on.’
It was like my brain was pressing up against one side of my skull and then the other.
It was brilliant.
After that we all went on the ghost train. The carriages only held two people and somehow I ended up sitting next to Ethan.
‘You can hold my hand if you get scared,’ he said. ‘But not my right hand, that’s my stabbing hand. If an army of the undead come for us, I’m going to need that.’
‘Yeah, that will be useful just as long as you can get your trembling legs to work,’ I said, but I was mostly thinking about what he’d said about holding his hand. Was he in the market for some hand holding? Had he finally got tired of Dawn’s hands? Which while being very attractive and good at playing the drums and all, are clearly not the perfect hands for him.
The carriage was pretty small. While we were waiting for everyone else to get in I realised that my thigh was just touching Ethan’s thigh. I was pretty sure that we hadn’t started off like that when we first sat down. Did that mean he’d shifted closer to me? Or maybe I’d done it without noticing. Either way, neither of us moved apart. So there we were, staring ahead with our legs touching.
The ride clunked into life and set off towards some luminous dancing plastic skeletons. Up in front I could hear Cam pretending to have hysterics.
A clammy hand stroked my hair.
‘Ew! What the hell?’ I realised even as I was saying it that it was part of the ghost train and must have been made of rubber or something, but it still felt disgusting. I wiped at my forehead with my sleeve.
‘Are you scared?’ Ethan asked, obviously entertained by my squealing.
‘Stop laughing at me! It was just that gross hand.’
‘What this one?’ And I felt a tap on my right shoulder. ‘I thought it was looking good. I’ve only just had a manicure.’
‘Very f— Oh!’ a lit up coffin burst open and a dummy sat up.
‘You are scared!
Before I could explain that in my house if you don’t jump when you see a sudden movement you’ll end up with a fork in your eye, he said, ‘Ah, poor girl.’
And then he put his arm around me.
He honestly did. My heart started to gallop and my stomach went skittering after it. My skin was zinging.
I didn’t know what to do, then he said, ‘Faith.’
And I turned to look at him, I could just about see his face in the green light coming from a witch’s cauldron. I didn’t breath
. His eyes dipped just for a second to my mouth and . . .
‘OH MY GOD, IT’S A GIANT RAT!’
We jerked away from each other and Ethan swiftly removed his arm.
In the half light in front of us, the gigantic shadow of Westy loomed up, pointing into the darkness. ‘Who saw that?’ he shouted. ‘That was real! It was the size of a Labrador! Seriously, they could put that in a show.’
Westy kept on about mutant rodents for the rest of the ride while I tried to get my breathing under control.
Ethan didn’t say anything. When we came back out into the fresh air he couldn’t get out of the carriage fast enough.
We went on a lot more rides and Westy ate a lot more hot dogs but Ethan didn’t sit next to me again. When it was time to go and meet our various lifts, Ethan just said a general ‘See you,’ and disappeared.
I didn’t even get to talk to Megs about it because her Mum was giving Cam a lift home too.
What the hell has happened? Did I almost kiss Ethan – again? What was I thinking? What was he thinking? And most of all, why did the tiny dad in my head not have anything to say about it?
I’m confused.
Really confused.
SUNDAY 10TH JUNE
I woke up early this morning and went straight round to Megs to tell her about Ethan. Although, after thinking about it all last night I was starting to wonder if there was actually anything to tell.
‘What sort of way did he put his arm around you?’ Megs asked.
‘I don’t know. Maybe it was just a jokey way because he thought I was being such a scaredy-cat?’
‘Yeah, but even jokey arms-aroundsies mean something.’
‘Do they?’
‘Definitely. What did you think was going to happen before big mouth Westy started bellowing?’
‘Well, it kind of seemed like something was going to happen. But I’m starting to think I was imagining it.’
‘He likes you.’
I’m not so sure. ‘Anyway, he’s got a girlfriend, so until he does the decent thing and tells her that their relationship was a horrible mistake, I wouldn’t kiss him even if he tried.’
I had lunch at Megs’s house and then headed off.
MONDAY 11TH JUNE
Granny left today. I’ve had my window open all day and the smell of Yardley Lace perfume has finally subsided from vomit-inducing to just eye-watering. By the time I leave home it might have disappeared completely.
LATER
I wouldn’t say that I exactly miss Granny. It’s just that when I play Scabby Queen with Sam or Dad they end up crying. I can’t wait for Josette to arrive. I bet she can take a pinch or seventeen.
TUESDAY 12TH JUNE
This evening I was spending my time profitably by rolling around on the sofa wondering what Ethan will say to me at debating tomorrow and if it might be You’re the loveliest girl in the universe, please go out with me. Then Mum took one look at me and insisted I looked droopy, so she dragged me off to visit her cousin’s daughter who has just had a baby.
Once she’d wrestled me into the car, I said, ‘I’m hardly even related to this child, why do I have to go and look at it?’
‘Be nice, Faith. Everybody loves babies.’
‘Listen, I would probably be just as delighted by tiny chubby cheeks as the next person if you hadn’t given me aversion therapy in the form of Sam.’
‘Don’t be mean about your brother.’
I flipped through her rubbishy CD collection. ‘I’m just stating the facts. Remember his nappies?’
‘Well, he was a little late to potty-train.’
I gave up on trying to find a CD that wasn’t whale music or folk rock and switched on the radio. ‘Those nappies were toxic. I’m surprised the council didn’t ask you to stop putting them in the bin and provide you with one of those special barrels that they seal nuclear waste in.’
Mum tutted. ‘He was a sweet little boy. You used to enjoy playing with him.’
‘Yeah, that was until he stopped letting me saddle him up and ride him around the garden. It makes me sad to think that anyone related to me would let a small thing like a broken ankle stop them from affording their big sister fun and transportation.’ I shook my head in disappointment. ‘Such weak bones. I blame your side of the family.’
Mum frowned and because my one weakness is how much I care about people, I took pity on her.
‘We did used to love playing pirates,’ I said. ‘And ninjas, and fire-breathing monster robots.’
‘Yes, it was a rough time for my ornaments.’
‘Listen, that pagan goddess china figurine looked a lot better after she’d commanded a platoon of Barbies in the garden. The pagans loved mud, didn’t they? Isn’t that why hippies don’t wash?’
Mum rolled her eyes. ‘Still, you two did have a lot of fun didn’t you?’
Actually, now that I think about it, we did.
We also broke a lot more stuff than my mum realises. Most of it is buried in the garden. It’s the reason I had to make strenuous objections to my dad’s plans for a vegetable patch last summer.
Anyway, I hope the brattling that we went to see today gets a sibling. Everyone should have a little brother or sister to beat up, or play with, depending on their mood.
Mum came over all soppy on the way home. She kept saying, ‘Wasn’t she lovely?’
‘I’m not saying I wasn’t impressed by her ability to put her own foot in her mouth, or the way she dribbled enough to soak through three bibs in an hour, but I’m not sure that “lovely” is the word I’d choose.’
She wasn’t listening. ‘Sometimes I think . . .’
‘Sometimes you think what? That a woman of your age should stop wearing vest tops?’
‘No.’
‘That if you gave up all this New Age shop nonsense and got yourself a nice steady cleaning job and really buckled down to it, you could afford to buy me a car when I’m seventeen?’
‘Never mind.’ And she shook her head. She does that a lot when she doesn’t want to face the truth.
Later on I saw her showing dad the photos of the baby she took on her phone and making cooing noises.
Honestly. She needs a hobby.
WEDNESDAY 13TH
I was a bit nervous by the time we got to debating club this afternoon. I wasn’t sure how Ethan was going to act towards me after the whole thing at the carnival. But when he got there he just said, ‘All right, Faith?’ and started telling everyone a funny story about his maths teacher’s socks. He was behaving like nothing had happened. I was a bit disappointed.
After the debate, we ended up walking down the stairs together and he gave me this funny, slightly disapproving look and said, ‘I hear you had a good time in France.’
At the time, I was absolutely convinced that from the way he said ‘good time’ that someone had told him about Philippe and that was what he was referring to. But now I know that I read way too much into it. Anyway, somehow I felt like maybe the only thing that was stopping him from dumping Dawn and asking me out was because he thought that I was involved in a cross-channel romance. Now that I’m writing it down, it seems like a ridiculous idea, but it honestly made sense to me then. Which is why I launched into a long rambling speech:
‘Yeah, France was good. I’ve been thinking though. You know how sometimes you meet someone and they’re great and everything, and you get along really well and you have a good time, but ultimately, in the end, for whatever reason, you know that things aren’t going to last.’
He was watching me with a strange expression on his face.
‘Um, so I don’t know, I think it’s probably best to be honest with yourself about where a relationship is going and, you know, make a clean break and then mayb—’
‘What the hell, Faith?’
I was already regretting opening my mouth. ‘I mean . . .’
‘You have a strop because I told you what I thought about you hurting Westy’s feelings and now you’re telling me
Dawn’s not good enough. You’re such a hypocrite!’
Oh no. Oh no, no, no. He thought I was telling him to split up with Dawn. ‘That’s not what I meant. I wasn’t talking about Dawn. Honestly, Ethan I—’
‘Forget it Faith, I’m sick of people trying to twist what they’ve said. Just leave it.’
And he strode off out the gates.
I’m such an idiot. Why did I even try to explain about Philippe? I mean, Ethan clearly doesn’t even care. Besides, why shouldn’t I have a romance? And where does Ethan get off thinking everything is always about him. I’m not even going to ring him; I’ve got nothing to apologise for.
THURSDAY 14TH JUNE
I had to put Ethan out of my head today because this afternoon it was our key stage four assembly. We only get one a term and it’s a wonderful opportunity for us all to catch up on the exciting activities going on in other years. At least that’s how Miss Ramsbottom introduced it. Actually, it’s usually a wonderful opportunity to catch up on some sleep while the Year Elevens ramble on about how hard they’ve been working, but today I had to give my report on the French exchange and I thought it might be best for everyone if I, at least, stayed awake during it.
So there I was sitting on stage knowing that this was my shot at getting Miss Ramsbottom’s support for my prefect application. Eventually, the athletics club stopped trying to make seventeenth place out of eighteen schools sound like a good thing and Miss R introduced me. I stood up very tall and wished I’d worn some glasses so I could peer over them in a scholarly fashion.
‘Last month, thirty Year Tens travelled to the South West of France as part of our exchange programme with Lycee Louis Lumiere.’ My voice sounded kind of small in that big hall, which is strange because I have only ever heard my voice described as loud. I remembered what Granny said about opening the back of the throat and projecting into the audience (and she’s an expert, her voice can penetrate several layers of duvet wrapped around my head). ‘Visiting France was a superb opportunity to experience real-life French. I ordered hot chocolate in a café, bought baguettes in the boulangerie, and asked them to bring me a much larger cake in the patisserie.’ I paused for effect. ‘I even spoke French in situations entirely unrelated to food.’
