Edge of Something More

by Andi Loveall

  Cora smiled through her tears. She came around the table and crawled onto his lap, pressing her forehead against his.

  “I love you, Devin,” she said. “I love you so much.”

  “ … You do?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Since when?”

  “I don’t know. But I do.”

  He wiped away her tears, taking her face in his hands and kissing her. She let out a little murmur, melting into him and releasing all of her tension. He could feel her heart beating in her veins, and her warmth coursed into him the way it used to. But something was different. It didn’t feel like he was kissing a crush, a girlfriend, an ex-girlfriend, or anything in between. It was something deeper than that now. It was new.

  Just let go. Maybe it really was that simple.

  Once Cora was calm, she went down to the house to make things right with Panky. Devin also went down and found Walter, Lucius, and Rocky digging a hole.

  “I appreciate the assistance,” Walter said. “The sooner we have this done, the sooner it’ll be done. It’s never an easy thing, putting down an animal that you loved.”

  Devin couldn’t tell if he meant the euthanasia or the physical act of putting Judy/Rainbow down into the ground. Either way, it was true. The only way to do the latter was with ropes, which they had to weave under and around her body in order to drag her into the grave. She was heavier than she looked, and Devin dealt with the discomfort by imagining he was a slave from some alien otherworld dragging an evil king along in his carriage.

  He had to choke down a fit of the giggles as they heaved and pulled, slowly inching the body along. It was just too much.

  They began shoveling the dirt back on top as the women came out of the house. They walked in a ceremoniously straight line, Raven leading the way with a bouquet of wildflowers in her arms. Panky followed her with a handful of incense. Last came Cora with a large white crystal. They placed their offerings on top of the grave, and Panky lit the incense.

  Devin rested his hands on the handle of his shovel as he watched the smoke rising into the sky. A life, vanished. A mound of earth, soon to grow over with grass. It happened thousands upon thousands of times a day, but it still amazed him.

  “You know what I don’t get?” Rocky said, breaking the silence. “Why we didn’t eat her.”

  Devin snorted with laughter, covering his face and coughing.

  “You’re truly vile,” Panky said.

  “What?” Rocky held up his hands in defense. “It’s not like someone killed her for sport. She died of natural causes. How is that not vegetarian?”

  “How would you like it if we ate your dead body?” Cora said.

  “If you needed to,” Rocky said. “I’d want you to. There are people out there starving right now, don’t you know that?”

  “It’s a valid question, son,” Walter said. “But perhaps this isn’t the best time to ask it.”

  “Sorry,” Rocky said.

  “You think this is funny?” Cora said, eyeing Devin.

  “No,” Devin said, cracking up.

  “It’s not a joke, man,” Rocky said. “You can’t laugh on the day a cow dies.”

  That made everyone laugh. Cora included.

  He was hit with a pang of sadness as he looked around at his tribe. The happenings of the previous forty-eight hours had distracted him from the fact that this was his last night. No one was talking about it as if there was some sort of unspoken agreement that mentioning the topic would light the fuse, and the final countdown would begin.

  He wasn’t ready.

  He slipped away and headed up the hill, and halfway there, his hands began to tremble. The lump in his throat was growing, blocking his airway. He was about to have a panic attack, and the only way to fix it was to get his things in order. He took a shower, brushed his teeth, and shaved. He organized all his bathroom stuff, leaving out what he would need for tonight and tomorrow morning. He got dressed in fresh clothes and went back to his cabin, throwing all of his belongings into a pile on the bed and then neatly packing them in.

  Passport? Check. Headlamp? Check. Journal? Check. The three boxes of raw vegan granola bars that Raven had given him? Check.

  When there was nothing left to do, he sat there, listening to the insects and thinking about the poem under his pillow. He would never find the words to express what this all meant, but it was a good start. And he knew he had to keep trying. That was what a writer was supposed to do—try to express something that could never be expressed. The words would never be big enough, but if he picked the right ones and put them in the right order, he believed he could come close.

  He glanced out the window and saw Cora crossing the walkway toward her cabin. He started after her and then paused, debating with himself for a second before leaving the poem where it was. If she was meant to read it, she would.

  Chapter Seven—Being

  He crawled into bed beside her, wrapping her in his arms.

  “I decided what I’m gonna do in India,” he said. “I’ve been thinking about it all day, and I’ve come to a very serious decision about it.”

  “Yeah? What?”

  “I’m going to get you presents,” he said, kissing the palms of her hands. “One for every special place I visit.”

  “You don’t have to do that.”

  “No, seriously,” he said. “I want it to be a thing. And I’m not talking about some touristy crap, either. I’m gonna go deep with the locals, really look around, find out where the happening underground shops are. You want a magic amulet? I’ll find you one. You want some ancient lamp with a genie inside? Just wait. If it’s out there, I’ll find it.”

  “You never stop being silly, do you?”

  “Nope,” he said, eyeing the clock. “And we have like … twenty hours left together.”

  Her eyes filled with hurt. “I don’t want to think about you leaving.”

  “Then don’t. Anyway, we still have plenty of time. You’re tripping if you think I’m letting you sleep tonight.”

  “What could we do for the next twenty hours?”

  “I could try my best to be annoying. That way, you won’t miss me as much.”

  “You’d have to be pretty annoying to make me not miss you.”

  “Yeah?” he said, tickling her sides. “We better get started, then.”

  “Be careful,” she said, laughing. “I think you want me to miss you a little.”

  “True, true.” He kissed her. “In that case, we’ll just be. We’ll allow ourselves the freedom to do whatever the spirit calls us to do.”

  “Good idea,” she said. “What’s your spirit’s call?”

  “Anything?”

  “Nope. But I’ll be as accommodating as possible.”

  “I appreciate your honesty. But since you probably aren’t down with helping me paint ‘DEVIN RULES’ onto the side of the house, the cabins, and all of the cars, I’ll need some time to think about it.”

  They laughed¸ and then it hit him. That was what he wanted to do.

  “No way,” she said. “With what we’ve been through, the last thing I need is to—”

  “But you promised I could have a graffiti lesson,” he said. “Come on. It’s my last night.”

  “That’s not my fault. Who told you to run off at the beginning of July?”

  He felt a stabbing in his heart. Who told him? His own impatience, his lack of self-confidence, his anger, his resentment, his need to stick to plan. He should have listened to Lucius, who was wise enough to know that his connection to this place could never be so easily broken. Now that he had realized it too, he wanted to paint it on a wall for everyone to see.

  “You know you want to,” he teased. “Come on, Cora. Please?”

  “We would get arrested for vandalism.”

  “You never get caught. And even if we do, I don’t care, damn it. This is my moment of reckless abandon. It’s worth whatever price I have to pay.”

  “You’re crazy.”
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  “The way you’re smiling sure looks like you like it.”

  “A little.”

  “Only a little?” He laughed and clapped his hands together. “Lies. But, of course, if you don’t have it in you, I totally understand—”

  “No,” she said. “Let’s do it. I know the perfect place.”

  They drove out to an old bridge down a quiet road a few miles from the house. She pulled the car over in the shadows of the woods.

  They brought five different colors: black, red, yellow, green, and white. Cora moved like a cat as they snuck down the road, and when they got there, they stood in the shadows, looking up at the concrete canvas. It was lit by a small streetlamp, which provided just enough light to see.

  “Reckless abandon, busboy. What do you want to say?”

  He smiled at her. Years from now, he would probably look back and try to remember this moment, and he already knew that nothing he could store within the boundaries of his memory could ever do it justice. The sound of the rattling paint cans in their arms, the awe he felt as he watched the word appear before his eyes, starting with black shadows and outlines, then layering over with color—it was a high he would never get back to.

  When they were done, they stood back and looked at their work.

  CLOSE, it read. A simple word, vibrating with color and light. Its letters were green and yellow, and behind them was a sun, rays jutting out in sharp angles.

  They were so close … And maybe next time around, they would get even closer. Or maybe, they would always stay this way, swinging their legs as they sat on the edge of something more.

  It didn’t matter. He loved her, and she loved him back. Every breath was glory.

  When they made it back to the car, he couldn’t contain his fire. He pulled her into the backseat, kissing with more passion than he’d ever kissed anyone. They peeled each other’s clothes off, and then they were skin on skin, hot and connective. His pathways joined with hers as she gasped and arched beneath him. It was heartbreaking love, enough to make him cry.

  After, they curled up in the backseat, too immersed in afterglow to drive back home just yet. Instead, she got out her last joint.

  “I never had time to smoke it,” she said. “With Rainbow getting sick and all.”

  She lit it and passed it over to him.

  “Devin,” she said, blowing out the hit. “I want to tell you something.”

  “Okay,” he said.

  “My sister Maggie always had this power,” she said. “I know I make her sound messed up, talking about how she had an eating disorder and stuff, but if you’d known her, you’d understand what I mean. She could sing off key or fall flat on her face and still be so … cool. I was never like that—not the way she was. Not when I was younger. Something changed after she died. Sometimes, I think that her spirit went inside of me. And that now, I have her power. Do you think that’s possible?”

  “You’re the most powerful girl I’ve ever known,” he said. “And I can’t even imagine how much your sister must have loved you. I’m sure if it’s possible for her to be with you, then she is.”

  “For a while after she died, I thought that maybe I couldn’t—like she was protecting me or something. That was how I learned I was good at driving fast, jumping off waterfalls, holding my breath for a really long time—all sorts of stuff. I would just do stuff without caring. I would try to see if Maggie’s instinct would somehow save me.”

  “You’re not invincible,” he said. “And you damn well better stop doing stuff like that—especially the insane driving.”

  “It’s not insane driving. I’m fast, but I’m still a good driver.”

  “Right. You’re a good driver—in a universe where all other drivers are both drunk and wearing clown masks that partially block their vision.”

  She laughed. “Shut up!”

  “You’re a good driver,” he continued to tease. “In a universe where your car is forever parked on one of those big ferries that takes you across a river.”

  “I’m going to punch you.”

  “You’re a good driver,” he said, wrestling with her. “In a universe where the only methods of transportation are passive rides on giant, slow moving turtles.”

  “Ha-ha,” she said. “No! Don’t tickle in the car! I’ll flail and bang myself.”

  “Well, if it means you’re gonna bang yourself.”

  She fell apart laughing, and he joined in, collapsing on top of her.

  “Where’s the joint?” she said. “You better not light my skirt on fire.”

  “I’ve got it right here,” he said, sticking it between her lips. He watched as she smoked, gently brushing her hair from her face.

  “Promise me,” he said.

  “What?”

  “That you’ll start being more careful.”

  “Make me,” she teased, poking him in the ribs. He grabbed her wrists.

  “You want me to make you?”

  “Maybe.”

  “But I can’t,” he said. “That’s the scary part.”

  “I know,” she said. “Just like I can’t make you stay away from other girls in India.”

  “What? Are you crazy?”

  “India’s far away. You might be there for a long time.”

  “Not that long.”

  “How long is ‘not that long’?”

  “Maybe a few months. Maybe a few weeks. I’ll definitely be back by December. My dad’s side of the family always flies in from New York for the holidays, and it’s this big thing. I’d never hear the end of it if I didn’t show.”

  “Maybe I could go with you. I hate Christmas with my family.”

  “There you go again, trying to meet my family. Why you so obsessed with me, huh?”

  She laughed, and he grinned, tossing the roach out the window.

  “I’m kidding,” he said. “You could totally come with me.”

  “We’ll see.”

  “Why do we have to see? Let’s plan on it.”

  “Because things could change. What if you meet someone else? Someone you like more than me.”

  “I won’t.”

  “How can you be sure?”

  “Have a little faith,” he said. “I promise you that I will not touch another girl while in India if you can promise me that you’ll work on your driving. And not touch other dudes either, naturally.”

  She laughed a little.

  “Is that a yes?”

  “I’ll try.”

  “Don’t try,” he said. “Do.”

  “God, I love you.” She looked at him, her eyes softening. “You’re beautiful, and I hate myself for wasting so much time.”

  “Hey,” he said. “Nothing about this has been a waste.”

  ***

  It was a strange thing, leaving. Not just leaving, but leaving somewhere really good. He had never done it before, so there was no way to calculate just how much it was going to hurt.

  When he awoke, it was seven forty-five, his back was cramped, and his mouth was dry. He lay there, listening to the morning birds and feeling Cora’s breath on the skin of his arm.

  She stirred, setting his arm free. He forced a snore.

  “I know you’re awake,” she said.

  “I’m not,” he said, reaching out and feeling her face. “Don’t move. Stay just like that.”

  She giggled. “Why?”

  “Because I’m about to open my eyes, and I want to remember it forever.”

  She appeared in his vision, messy hair, sleepy eyes glowing in the early morning light. He touched her lips, taking a mental snapshot.

  The minutes ticked by. He took another shower, doused himself in deodorant, and packed up the rest of his things. He said goodbye to the cabins before heading down the hill, his pack loaded on his shoulders. Flashes of memories moved through his mind like a movie reel. He got a handle on everything he wanted to say. There was no avoiding it anymore. He was going to do this thing.

  Everyone else had alr
eady gathered around the picnic table for a final meal, including Mo, who was purring on Cora’s lap.

  “Hey brother,” Lucius said. “Back to climbing Rapunzel’s tower, I see.”

  “I like a nice view.”

  “How you feeling?”

  “A little worried about the economy,” he said, setting his backpack down. “But screw it. Let’s go to India.”

  “You want to go to India? Don’t see why not. I’m not doing anything else.” Lucius laughed and clapped his hands together. “How do you really feel?”

  “Happy. Sad. Excited. Terrified.”

  “Isn’t it great?”

  “I’m going to load you boys up on good calories,” Raven said. “We’ve got pineapple juice, tortilla soup, hard-boiled eggs, and a quinoa risotto.”

  “Looks delicious,” Devin said, sitting down. “You should have told me you were making food, I would have come down and helped.”

  “No,” she said. “This is my gift to you. I put a little something special in it—energetically speaking. Something to send you on your way with good blessings.”

  Something told Devin he was going to need it.

  Walter suggested a toast, but Devin interjected. He had a little something in mind.

  “A job done by you is one less for me,” Walter said. “You’ve got the floor, son.”

  “Thank you, thank you,” Devin said, raising his glass. “Okay, so … I’ve learned a lot since coming here. Stuff I never thought I would learn. For example, cooking is really awesome. I never knew that before. With the right ingredients and a pure intention, something can go from bland to extraordinary, just like that. For me, that knowledge has opened up a whole new world—thank you, Raven.”

  “You’re very welcome.”

  “Another thing I’ve learned,” Devin went on. “Is that sometimes, the best thing you can do is just rage forth. Take a flying leap and believe that the water is deep enough to catch you. Trust that fate will guide you to that one special place you’re destined to be.”

  He smiled at Cora. She was gazing back at him like she was far away and seeing him through a telescope.