Being Emerald

by Sylvia Ryan

  When she didn’t deny his statement, he took another step from her and raked a hand through his hair. “By holding back on me, you’re telling me you’re not all in. You’re not ready.”

  “What I keep secret is barely anything. I am ready. I just don’t know how to prove it to you.”

  “You prove it through actions, and your actions shout loud and clear that complete trust between us is”—his face turned icy—“lacking.”

  In that moment, Laila realized just how fed up he was.

  “You’ve got to be able to do the simple shit before we can move on to the rest. Once you’re mine, you’re mine, every last fucking molecule of you, however and whenever I want. And right now, you have no idea what that entails because you can’t commit to openness and honesty between us, let alone anything else more significant. I’m not planning on changing who I am or what I want from you. It’s you who has to adjust, if this is going to work. So, no, you being pregnant right now is not a good thing.”

  Laila’s heart squeezed.

  “This is me being honest. I’ll always be honest with you.”

  Her throat tightened. Oh fuck no. She was not going to cry. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you’d thought this out so well.”

  “Now you do.”

  Laila was speechless.

  “It’s not just the Resistance secrets holding us back. This relationship will not progress until you let your guard down enough to have an up-close-and-personal conversation with me. Share our histories, our hopes, our fears. You know nothing about me.” He pressed his palm to his chest. “Do you realize, you’ve never asked me when my birthday is, or how old I am? You’ve never asked me what my favorite food is or, better yet, walked around the counter and cooked with me.”

  He was right. She had been holding back more than just a few tidbits of information. Her five years of being a social pariah and the only person in her world had screwed her up in subtle, unnoticeable ways layered one upon another. She’d been living life alone inside her head for so long, she’d become disconnected.

  He knew everything about her, had taken the time to study her, ask her questions. He’d put so much effort into getting to know her, truly know her, he could accurately decipher her body language and practically read her thoughts, including how she felt in any given moment.

  She loved him. Why hadn’t she made any efforts to do the same?

  “At this point in my life, it’s more important for me to connect here”—he tapped his temple—“than here.” He cupped his junk.

  Before she could say anything, he shook his head. “Don’t get mad. Just think about it. What I want for us could be earth shattering. I won’t settle for anything less. Not even for you.”

  He was going to tell her he didn’t want her anymore. Simply considering having to return to her life, the way it was before she’d met him, made her feel as if the floor was crumbling beneath her feet. He’d become such an intrinsic part of her life. The thought of losing him, of losing their constant connection, scared her.

  Laila gathered her dignity, lifted her chin and with a mangled heart, walked out of his house. The trip across the street was a blur. She checked behind her as she reached her front door. There was no sign of Rock. He hadn’t followed.

  She’d hoped he had.

  She stepped inside, locked the front door behind her and took the stairs to her bedroom. The late day sun slanted into the room, lighting up the floating dust motes and splashing bright quadrangles of light on the pale yellow duvet covering her bed. She nose-dived onto it, and hugged her pillow as the spongy mattress shaped itself to her curves.

  She’d been too focused on what she hadn’t been getting, his dick, and what that meant and the Emily tattooed on his chest and what that meant.

  Eyes closed, she tried to make sense of her current circumstances. He wasn’t wrong. Her years in Sapphire had taught her to keep her mouth shut. Any poorly chosen word could be used against her, or twisted by changing the inflection, altering the tone. It was a short jump from prejudice to hatred and too easy for anybody to whisper her name in a Guard’s ear.

  That’s how Sapphire and Emerald operated. They were a society of sycophants, robots scared to be who they truly were for fear of rubbing someone the wrong way. The consequences could be deadly. They all were so incredibly tense and scared, it altered the way humans interacted with each other. There, a room full of people was still an isolated place. It was sad how they’d evolved through some kind of warped version of survival of the fittest, where the fittest were those who conformed. What once was a species that felt free to express themselves, love one another, and had the courage to fight for what was right had boiled down to this society of terrified souls trapped in a shell of conformity.

  Fear paled every experience, muted joy, impeded love. How could a person love when they were too afraid to show themselves to someone else? Her distance was instinctual. It was self-preservation.

  The strategy was exhausting, and she was very, very tired of all of it.

  Laila dozed in the space where the mind lingers between consciousness and sleep until she gave in and let sleep take her.

  Chapter 16

  “Do you like the life we’re living here, Laila?” Rock’s words pulled Laila out of her slumber. She poked her head from beneath the sheet, still groggy from too little of the restless sleep she’d been able to manage. He stood in the bedroom doorway, looking as if he’d also tossed and turned throughout the night. Maybe soul searching, like her.

  “It’s time, maybe past time for me to put all my cards on the table and show you how this relationship will work, if it works at all.”

  Panic crawled up her throat. She beat it down and spoke as calmly as she could. “What do you mean, if it works at all? Rock we’ve come too far—”

  “No. I’m more controlling than I’ve ever been before, and I was a fuck of a lot back in the Amber Zone. I’m not so sure you can accept me this way.”

  “You know I can. I love you, Rock.”

  He shook his head. “I know I was hard on you yesterday. You have no idea, peanut, what I’m capable of, what I find exciting. It’s time you find out.” His troubled gaze fixed on something over her shoulder. “If you know what I am, what fucked up shit I need sometimes just to feel anything at all, all the deviant shit I’ll need from you, you can make a more informed choice about whether you want to be with me.” He sat on the bed with his back against the headboard. She shifted and laid her head in his lap, looking up at him. “But first, I need an answer. Do you like your time with me?”

  “Yes. Every minute. I crave it when we’re apart.”

  “Do you think about the things I do with your body after we’re done, re-living them, over and over?”

  “Yes.”

  “So do I. Whether I’m in the thrill of the moment, or remembering it later, it’s in those times I feel most alive. I do what I want. Touch what I want. And yes, do things for you that you can do for yourself.” He grasped her hand and squeezed. “I’ve lived these past weeks. And so have you. Every moment with you reminds me life looks beautiful, smells beautiful and feels beautiful. I want to give that to you too. I want you to feel things you’ve never felt, taste whatever I chose to put on your tongue and experience every physical sensation. I’ll wake you up just to watch the sunrise, and do things to your body just so I can hear your cries. I’ll give you your highest highs, lowest lows, and together, we’ll experience every range of emotion doing it.”

  “To me, this”—he motioned between them—“what we have between us, is living. It’s who I am. If you’re waiting for me to let up, to watch you less closely, to stop taking care of you, it won’t happen. I will always be this way.” He peered down at her, a sad smile on his face.

  “I’m scared, Rock. I’ve been alone, building walls for so long. I’m scared I’ll give you everything and lose myself. I’m scared what will happen to me if you really know me inside
and out. What if I’m not what you want? I’m scared I can’t give you everything you need.”

  Rock’s expression softened. A sad smile curved his lush lips. “I thought you’d figured it out already.”

  “Figured what out?”

  “You’re not alone. Fear, Laila, is what makes me who I am. My utter terror of losing you…” He shook his head, cleared his throat. “It rules me. I was already extremely protective before, when I was in the Amber Zone. Now, it’s so much worse. It’s fucking ridiculous.” He let out a sigh of resignation. “I can’t stop it. I’ve tried. I was miserable.”

  “What you want from me is a difficult way to move through life. Yes, it’s exciting, exhilarating even, the way you have of keeping me slightly off balance and guessing your next move. But—”

  “I know it takes a herculean effort to be what I need.” He cupped her face and his loving expression melted her fear. “I promise the reward of what we’re building will be beyond all of your most fantastic expectations. I can’t put into words how special it is to share a bond as strong as the one waiting for us. The only way to understand it is to experience it firsthand.”

  He fell silent and seemed to fall into a memory. She searched his face. He was worried, but his expression didn’t show it. “There will be times when you absolutely hate me and that’s okay.”

  “I could never hate you.”

  “Let me give you a true and honest taste of my most intense urges. It could ease your fears of the unknown, at least in the physical part of our relationship. I won’t hold back. Consider it a crash course.”

  This was it. They’d leave this room with everything, or nothing. What if she couldn’t be what he needed?

  “All I ask for is your trust. I’ll never give you a reason to doubt me. And the connection, it only gets stronger…better with time. Give everything to me, Laila, and I promise you’ll be loved, cared for and never have a day of boredom for the rest of your life.”

  He waited for everything he’d said to sink in.

  “I’ve already made my decision. Did it yesterday. And, for the record, there’s not much I wouldn’t already do for you.”

  Relieved, Rock took in a breath. “Yeah?” He stood, bringing her to her feet and pulled her into his arms. “You need to trust me in everything, Laila.”

  “I do trust you, Rock.” The whispered words were a fundamental truth, and she held his gaze so he could read it in her eyes. Carnal energy radiated from him, crashing into her like the waves of a storm. She didn’t sense any menace. No, the energy that swamped her as he stepped into her personal space was pure sex.

  He stood so close, her chest skimmed his each time it rose and fell with the deep swells of air she rapidly sucked in and forced out of her lungs.

  She’d wanted Rock to make love to her since the day they’d met, but this wasn’t the Rock she pined for. There was something or someone in him now she’d never fully seen. This different man, this force of nature, was in control. She froze in full fight-or-flight mode. He’d become the dangerous unknown. Laila swallowed through a dry throat made tighter as Rock curled his massive hand around the front of her neck, gripped it firmly.

  “You still trust me?”

  Even though he completely overshadowed her, she didn’t feel scared. She felt small. His heavy-lidded black stare gleamed with desire.

  “Yes. I trust you.”

  A slow, almost diabolical smile transformed his face.

  “Wait for me here.” He turned and left the room. His footfalls were slower and heavier than usual. He’d said his peace and hadn’t been turned away. The composure she sensed from him now was at complete odds with the thrill shooting through her veins and electrifying her senses. The racket inside her body made the stillness of the bedroom disconcerting.

  Rock returned five minutes later with an armful of items, and dropped them unceremoniously on the dresser by the door.

  “Come here.” He held a faded red bandana in his hand.

  Laila kicked up her chin as she approached him. Her stomach performed a dizzying waltz within her.

  Rock circled her, placed the soft fabric over her eyes and tied it tightly. His clothes rustled with his movements, and she anticipated his touch as he approached her again.

  “Last chance to back out,” he said next to her ear, making her jump.

  “Bring it on,” she whispered. He was her Rock. She could withstand anything he wanted her to, as long as he was with her. Her throat tightened as she worked through her heightened emotions. In that instant, all she wanted to be was his Laila. God, she was dumb with the drive to please this man. Anticipation was a presence in the room, hanging heavy in the air, its weight conspicuous against her skin. Its potency made her lightheaded as it threaded through her blood.

  His hands had been absent from her for at least a minute. Laila straightened and her muscles tensed. “Rock?” The calloused pad of a finger ran from the nape of her neck and bump, bump, bumped over her vertebrae down the length of her spine. She shivered.

  Yes, she’d endure anything for this man. That vow was easy to keep as Rock’s hot mouth closed around a nipple. She threw her head back at the relentless suckling and nipping until he pulled free of her breast with a pop. She waited, breathless, for his next touch and he teased her with the absence of it. A cool breeze wafted over her wet areola. She gasped as the air tightened her already hard nipple and raised goose bumps on her skin. Then, cool metal exerted gentle pressure on the distended peak. Whatever it was continued to tighten until it was attached to the bud of her nipple, which swayed slightly from the movement of whatever dangled.

  She groaned. “It hurts.”

  He gave no indication he’d heard her at all. Suddenly, the process began again on her other nipple. The suction he applied with his mouth was almost painful. Then the breeze that seemed to travel down her spine instead of over her incredibly hard nipple. He took his time placing the clamp, and then he set it in motion so the swaying of the weight teased her flesh.

  He kept her guessing, unexpectedly touching her in different places with his tongue, with his fingers, with the rasp of his whiskers. Then, he stepped in close behind her, and his fat cock wedged between them. His muscled arms surrounded her as he skimmed his hands over her abdomen and between her legs. A quick swipe to her clit, and then his hand was gone.

  He bent her over the bed, until her breasts landed on the cotton duvet and covered her with his body. He breathed loudly in her ear and his significant weight crushed her into the mattress, squeezing the air from her lungs. “Don’t move.”

  The massive body on top of her disappeared. His warmth at her back dissipated. She couldn’t hear him, couldn’t see. She felt him towering over her and imagined him there with his arms crossed over his chest, absorbing the sight of her bent over the bed, exposing her private places.

  “I’ve held back so much of myself because of the mission,” he said. “And because I wanted to be sure. You have been bad, so bad. Not just once, but on several occasions. I let it go.” He nudged her feet even further toward the corners of the bed. Her skin thrummed underneath the brushes of his fingers as he tethered her ankles. “But now, I’m sure. And you say you’re sure. Are you still sure, Laila?” he asked as he pressed her into the mattress with a gigantic hand on her back.

  “Yes,” she breathed.

  He guided her arms over her head. “Keep them there,” he growled close to her ear. She grasped the smooth sheet under her hands and held on tight. “Good girl. I have a backlog of discipline waiting for you.” His lust had come alive when he’d spoken the word discipline, and activated hers. “When you make the disappointing decision to disobey me, to keep secrets from me, or put yourself at risk, you will have a punishment waiting for you in hopes that maybe you’ll give your actions more thought the next time you’re tempted to put yourself in harm’s way.”

  He nudged the hard flesh of his cock between the cheeks of her ass,
and pressed his chest to her back. “It’s my reward for having to suffer your disobedience as much as it’s deterrent for you. Sometimes, peanut, I’ll punish you just because I feel like it, but on those occasions, you will be the ultimate winner, I promise.” His breaths were labored and humid against her ear.

  Rock pulled away, leaving her instantly chilly. A slight panic bubbled. “Rock?”

  One of his fingers found the pucker of her ass, and he grunted softly. His fingers were between her cheeks, and then he inserted something small and cool into her anus. It only took seconds for the thing to start stinging, and then the burn began, making her want to curl in on herself. “What did you do? What is that?”

  “It’s just ginger. Don’t worry, it won’t have any lasting effects.”

  She groaned. “It’s uncomfortable.”

  “You deserve it, don’t you, Laila? You deserve to be punished for exposing yourself needlessly to the enemy.”

  “Yes.” She cried out. “It burns. Please.” She squirmed, unable to keep still with her insides going up in flames.

  “Yes, love. I’ll make it better. But not yet. The next time I catch you talking to Garret, I will make this punishment seem like playtime. Are we clear, Laila?”

  “Yes, clear.” She moaned. “Please!”

  “Please what, baby?”

  “Out! Please.”

  He inserted a finger into her rear and pulled the small thing out. Within seconds, she felt as if the ginger had never been in there at all. “Thank you.” Her words were drowned out by the crack of his hand meeting her rear. The first impact was a sting, quick and sharp. Laila cried out in surprise and then again as his second swat heated her butt. She tried to roll away from him. An instinctual reaction to what she knew would become infinitely more pleasurable after a few more blows. His swats stopped, and he said in a warning tone, “Move again and I’ll restrain your arms too.”

  Laila stilled and withstood the steady impact on her rear and the back of her thighs. She gripped the sheets desperately in an effort to tether herself to the room, but the spanking still took her to another reality. One where it was easy to let go of her worries. One where she could just…be.