Agatha H and the Voice of the Castle

by Kaja Foglio

  Wooster stumbled back a pace. “What? No! Not at all!”

  The thing inside Carson’s head paused, and then cocked his head to one side, as if it was listening to an unseen voice. “A what?” he asked querulously.

  Agatha stepped forward. “I am Agatha Heterodyne. I am the daughter of Bill and Lucrezia Heterodyne.”

  Carson’s body rocked back in its seat. Across the helmet, lights flickered between red and green. “A girl?” His head snapped back to Wooster. “This is a trick.”

  Wooster shook his head. “No.”

  “Really. You’re the Heterodyne.”

  “No.”

  “You’re just acting like a miserable, cringing lackey.”

  Wooster realized that he was, in fact, hunched back against a pillar—shying away from the malevolence he could feel radiating off of the old man. He straightened up. “No.”

  Carson’s attention snapped back to Agatha and examined her minutely. Agatha felt a growing annoyance. The old man snapped his fingers. “You’re really a man, but you like to wear women’s clothing.”

  “Enough,” Agatha roared, her voice spiraling into the harmonics of madness. “I am the Heterodyne! Now stop wasting time with this idiocy and tell me what I need to know!”

  The entity inside Carson froze and then shuddered. “The Voice,” he whispered. Lenses on the helmet spun as he leaned in and again the lights danced. “I believe you are the Lady Lucrezia’s child. Heh heh—” A nasty grin twisted across his lower face. “But are you the Master’s? We shall see…”

  Agatha grit her teeth. “You certainly shall!”

  The entity in the old man’s body considered her again. “Hmm. The Heterodyne blood so rarely produces girls. The last one was—”

  “Me,” Agatha stated defiantly.

  The old man’s mouth twitched in amusement. “Perhaps. There are ways to tell, once you are inside.” He raised a finger dramatically, “Fail—and you—”

  “Yes.” Agatha interrupted. “If I’m a fake, I die. I’ve been told.”

  The entity sat back. “Well,” he said slowly, “maybe not. Or at least… not right away…”

  Agatha blinked. “What?”

  “You are a Spark, are you not?”

  Agatha nodded slowly, “I am.”

  The entity sighed. “Then, girl or not, false or not, I am prepared to make a bargain with you.”

  Agatha stepped back. “A bargain? With you?”

  She considered this.

  Wooster cleared his throat. “It’s not unprecedented. It made a bargain with the Baron.”

  The entity nodded. “See? And I did not even try to kill him.”

  Wooster rubbed his jaw. “Did he ever try to enter?”

  “I grow tired of these foolish questions,” the entity snapped. “There is an enemy inside the Castle. A false Heterodyne. She intends to destroy me. The very idea is preposterous, and yet—I fear that she may have actually have found a way.”

  “Wait—” Krosp furrowed his brow. “If she wants to prove to everyone that she’s a Heterodyne, then shouldn’t she be trying to control you? I thought that was the test.”

  “Indeed it is. But…heh…she has realized that control is not possible.”

  “Ah,” Zeetha interrupted, “because she’s not really a Heterodyne.”

  The entity paused. Agatha found herself suddenly convinced that there was something important that the…thing…wasn’t saying. Finally, Carson’s body shrugged.

  “In part,” it admitted. “But mostly because I am severely damaged. Wulfenbach’s people have been trying to repair me for years. Overall they have failed, but still they have been useful. I have directed them where I could, and thus I am much more coherent than I once was.

  “My central brain—the part of me that you are now speaking to—is isolated. My control circuits were severed in the explosion. It seems the power systems are largely untouched, so my secondary systems are running automatically—and they are stupid. Running at cross-purposes. Fragmented. You will get in and repair the break in the central control conduit.”

  Agatha nodded. “Ah! So there’s a secret way into your inner keep?”

  The entity paused, still grinning. “Hmmmm. I suppose that would have made things easier for you.”

  Agatha sighed. “Wonderful. So I will be going in through the front door.”

  “As all honest men should…”

  Agatha ignored this. “Then tell me this: how do I evade these rogue defenses? I assume that there’s a key or a code word or something that will let me progress safely.”

  The entity frowned. “Dear me, no. Foolishness like that is the sort of thing that can be exploited by enemies. I was constructed better than that.”

  “Well, I’d better have something more helpful than just your good wishes or it won’t do either of us any good.”

  The entity nodded. “I…concede the point. Very well. I will give you the map.”

  Agatha brightened. “A map? A map that will show where I need to make repairs? Why, that’s perfect!”

  The entity waved its hands. “It is not here. You must get to it. This will be…difficult.”

  “Do you want me to help you or not?”

  “This is the best I can do!” the entity roared. “Every instinct I possess is geared to keeping strangers out and away from the family secrets! If you are captured, I would rather be destroyed than allow them to fall into the hands of an imposter!”

  “You’re not making it easy for the real Heterodyne, either.”

  The entity leaned in. “A real Heterodyne will find a way. They always do. Get to the Masters’ Library. There you will find the map you need.”

  Suddenly another voice was heard. “Sniveling sand-dragons! Is Carson actually hooked up to that brain-sucking abomination?”

  There was a clatter of footsteps, and one of the young women from the coffee shop appeared, leading a tall old man. He was dressed in a rich outfit topped with a rather gaudy hat of office. It was obvious that he was an official of the town.

  The girl spoke. “Lady Heterodyne, this is Herr Wilhelm Diamant. He’s responsible for the transport and care of the prisoners in Castle Heterodyne.”

  The old man ignored them and stepped close to examine Carson. “Did you people force him into this?”

  The entity grinned. “Carson von Mekkhan came to me freely, Herr Diamant. He truly believes this girl is the new Heterodyne,” it chuckled. “Though he will never admit it.”

  “That old fool,” Diamant snarled. “All the Heterodynes are dead!”

  Suddenly Herr Diamant gave a shriek and Agatha saw him hoisted into the air by an assortment of clamp-like mechanical hands. Another set of manipulators, equipped with knives, many of them rusted but still quite sharp, swung into the light.

  “You disloyal dog,” the entity hissed.

  Diamant shuddered and stared at the entity in terror. “No! I—”

  “Obviously it has been far too long since you felt the Masters’ displeasure!”

  “Carson!” the old man moaned. “Call it off!”

  The entity paused and then tittered. “I think you’ve annoyed him as well.” A blade lazily began to spin as it edged closer to the trapped man.

  “STOP!”

  Everyone jerked in surprise. The blade pulled back. Agatha strode forward and confronted the entity face-to-face. “I am here now, and I’m telling—No, I am ordering you to let him go!”

  The entity inside Carson snarled. “You are not the Heterodyne yet!” The blade spun faster and aimed itself towards Herr Diamant’s eyes.

  Agatha viciously slapped Carson across the face. “I say enough! I am the Heterodyne! You’ll do what I say now—because if you ignore me and hurt him—then I will walk out of this room and find another way to stop these people!” She leaned in. “But that will take time. Time you don’t have. They’ll shut you down and you’ll be dead, having utterly failed the Heterodyne family. Is that what you want?”


  The effect of these last words was dramatic. The entity gasped as if punched and flinched at her final question.

  “No,” it whispered.

  “Then release him,” Agatha demanded.

  The entity hesitated. “Can’t I just…wound him? Just a little?”

  “No!”

  The entity slammed Carson’s fist down in frustration. “Why not? He needs to be reminded who is his Master!”

  Agatha wheeled about. “The only disloyal thing I see here is you! Release him at once!”

  Carson huffed, “Fine! Have it your way!” With a snap, several manipulators opened and Diamant dropped to the floor. “Maybe I just won’t kill anyone at all! How would you like that?”

  Agatha ignored it and bent to help the old man to his feet. “Are you all right, Herr Diamant?”

  The old man stared at her and clasping her hands in his, awkwardly dropped to one knee. “I am your loyal servant until the end of days, my lady,” he declared fervently.

  Behind them, the entity looked on with interest. Ah, an unusual variant upon the Old Game.26

  Agatha addressed Herr Diamant. “So you can get me inside the castle without attracting attention?”

  Herr Diamant nodded. “Yes, my lady. Give me your measurements, and I’ll have a suitable set of clothes prepared for you. My cart is outside.” He glanced at the others. “I shall see to it that your companions are safely settled until—”

  “Wait,” Zeetha interrupted, “We’re going in, too.”

  “No!” the thing within Carson thundered. “The Heterodyne must enter alone!”

  Wooster cleared his throat. “Allow to me point out, sir, that the rules of your game have already been negated. The false Heterodyne entered accompanied by a full complement of retainers. In the interest of parity…”

  “Several of the usurper’s creatures are already dead,” the entity said with evident pride. “The rest will soon follow. The Heterodyne must enter alone!”

  Krosp folded his arms. “Nuts to you, you overclocked music box. You’ll do what Agatha wants.”

  “That’s right,” Agatha said. “And I say I’m going in alone.” This prompted an eruption of protest from everyone else, which was only silenced by the entity’s voice raised in argument, apparently with itself.

  “No! I want to tell her! No, I’ll do it now. Now give it back! You never let me have any fun!” This ended with the seated figure gripping the metal helmet and wrenching it upwards. Carson gave a shriek of pain as the device slid free of his skull and several fresh rivulets of blood slid past his nose. The old man took a deep breath and then his eyes snapped open. A maniacal grin spread across his face.

  “AHAHAHAHA!!” he cackled. “I win again, you wind-up pile of rubble!” The others looked at him suspiciously. Von Mekkhan’s voice was shriller than before, with traces of the Castle still evident. Apparently the effects of the connection took a while to wear off.

  Agatha looked concerned. “Are…” She glanced at the holes in the man’s head. “Are you all right?”

  “Of course!” the old man crowed. “The Castle can’t hold me, by damn! That’s why it’s my job!” His hands snapped out and gripped Agatha’s arms. “And you! You made it back down! Magnificent!” He gave another peal of laughter.

  Agatha frowned. “You don’t…sound all right.”

  The old man rolled his eyes alarmingly. “Oh yessss. So I’ve been told. Our contest is not pleasant, but it is invigorating! But don’t worry, the effects will fade all too soon!” With that he dissolved into another bout of high-pitched giggles.

  Agatha thought about patting him on the arm and then changed her mind. “Um… good. So, was there something you had to tell me?”

  Carson stopped his laugher as if someone had flipped a switch. “Oh yes. I won, I get to tell you. Ahem. Lady Heterodyne!” The old man grabbed his hat and Agatha’s arm and began dragging her back up the stairway. “We must get to the outer walls! An army is advancing upon the Black Gate!”

  Gilgamesh stared out over the smooth, flat plain before Mechanicsburg. It was covered by a pleasant counterpane of neat fields planted with a wide variety of crops. Many of these were in their full summer growth, gently rippling in the breeze that skirled down from the surrounding mountains. It was a bit of an anomaly, really. Gil had studied a fair bit of civil engineering and had observed any number of towns as they underwent successive cycles of peace and strife. During peacetime, walled cities tended to expand. Secondary industries and agricultural stores would accumulate outside the city walls, along with the hovels of beggars and other squatters. Over time these temporary residents built more and more elaborate structures and engaged in practices that required the watch to be sent out often enough that it became a de facto part of the town. This was how towns grew.

  But Mechanicsburg was different—as it was in so many other things. Inside the wall was a bustling, vibrant community, but once outside the walls, all was pastoral. Low hedgerows and farms stretched to the feet of the encircling mountains. The tallest structures were the evenly spaced picket towers standing quiet and deserted amongst the fields. The lower slopes of the mountains were covered in orchards, store houses, and obviously planned lumber groves.

  Gil nodded in approval.

  Behind him he could hear the shouts of the minions and mechanics setting up his newest creation. He had set them to installing it even before he had visited his father. A crackling hum and a burst of satisfied murmuring amongst the technicians let him know that the devices were beginning to be activated. Excellent.

  He then turned to the spot from which there had been absolutely no sound at all.

  “Captain Vole.”

  The huge Jäger stood painfully at attention. The parade-ground perfection of his stance only emphasized the disheveled state of his outfit.27 “Sir,” he began, “I—”

  Gil cut him off. “—Did not bring me Agatha Heterodyne. Yes, I noticed.”

  “Sir. She attacked me, sir.”

  Gil ran an eye over the Jäger’s outfit. “With a deadly coffeepot, apparently.” He locked eyes with the Jäger. “Now, why would she do that?”

  Vole opened his mouth. “Because I tried to kill her, sir,” was a poor excuse on any number of levels, so he closed his mouth.

  “I told you to bring her to me,” Gil reiterated, “and yet here you are, dirty, injured, and quite, quite alone. I’ve been told about you, Vole. I know what happened.”

  The Jäger let out a breath and waited for death.

  “You went stomping in there and tried to arrest her, didn’t you?”

  Vole blinked. “I—vot?”

  Gil nodded. “You underestimated her and she bested you! She’s a Heterodyne! Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”

  Vole realized that whatever intelligence the young Wulfenbach had received about him, it hadn’t been very good. “Yez,” he ventured. “Hit does mean someting to me. Next time Hy vill be ready for her.”

  Gil turned away. “I doubt it. But it is no longer your concern.”

  “No!” Vole stepped forward. This chance couldn’t be allowed to pass. “Hy vill get more troops and—”

  “No.” Gil was frequently grateful to his father for teaching him the art of cutting people off before their tirade could gather steam. “I had wanted you to bring Agatha here so I could help protect her. But considering how easily she beat you—” Vole’s teeth ground together audibly—“I am forced to accept the idea that Agatha can take care of herself for a while. I’m not particularly happy leaving it at that, but apparently I have little choice.” Vole twitched. “Right now the fake Heterodyne is the problem.”

  This idea was so surprising that Vole actually snorted. Gil cocked an eyebrow.

  “Der kestle vill kill dot vun,” Vole explained. “Probably already has.”

  Gil turned away and leaned his arms upon the battlements. “You think so? I don’t. This is too well planned, so it makes no sense to go to all this trouble just to have this
girl killed when she crosses the threshold.

  “No, she has to have something up her sleeve if she is to get the Castle to legitimize her.” Gil was quiet for a moment as he drummed his fingers upon the weathered stone. “Ideally she’d control the Castle, but our people have been trying to do that for years. It can be bargained with, but I think my father has done as much as possible in that direction…” He looked over at Vole. “I think it most likely that they’ll try to kill it.”

  Vole frowned. “Kill der kestle?”

  Gil waved a hand. “Well… shut it down. Make it safe.”

  Vole’s lip curled with a perverted sense of hometown pride. “De pipple uf Mechaniksburg vould not ekcept dot as proof dot she iz a Heterodyne.”

  Gil nodded. “Neither would my father.”

  Vole paused and then admitted, “Not onless she danced nekkid through de ruins vile trying to shoot down the moon, turned all de tourists into feesh, and den built a very dangerous fountain out of sausages.”

  Gil’s focus had derailed slightly at the image generated by “denced nekkid,” so it took him a long moment before he was able to concede the Jäger’s point and move the conversation forward.

  “Let’s assume that the dissenters aren’t important. That the opinion of my father isn’t important.”

  Vole looked skeptical. Gil soldiered on. “If the outside world believes that a new Heterodyne has taken control, then the schemers behind this fake Heterodyne girl might just pull this off.”

  Vole frowned. “This iz pointless. Yez, vhat der rabble uf Mechanicsburg tinks vould count for nottink outside der town. But dismissink hyu poppa—”

  Gil nodded. A slight movement near the horizon caught his attention. “An excellent point. The only way it could work is if he was busy somewhere else when it all went down.”

  Vole considered this. “Right now he iz busy not dyink. Does dot count?”

  Gil fished inside his coat and pulled out a complicated little monocular. He casually examined something in the distance. “I don’t think that was part of the original plan,” he admitted, “but now that it’s happened, they’ll be tempted by the opportunity. They’ll want to capture him—have him under lock and key. Or, if they’re smart, they’ll want him dead. That would probably suit everyone much better, I’m sure.”