Agatha H and the Voice of the Castle

by Kaja Foglio

  “You need us functioning!”

  “We’re not going to stay up here—”

  “While you go into possible danger—”

  “And do all the work!”

  “Even if you can’t cure us—”

  “If we all work together—”

  “A few hours should be all we need—”

  “To get the Castle repaired enough to keep you safe!”

  This had all been delivered by Gil, then by Tarvek, back-and-forth at an escalating pace that seemed spoken by one person with two throats. With a jolt Agatha realized that they were now speaking in perfect unison.

  “I thought you were dead! After losing you like that once, I’m going to make sure that you’re safe even if it’s the last thing I do!”

  They fixed her with identical, challenging stares.

  Agatha threw her arms around both their necks and hugged them to her fiercely. “I am going to save you both,” she whispered. They stood together for several heartbeats, and then she tightened her grip.

  “And then I am going to kill you!” she shouted.

  When they climbed onto the platform, Agatha looked over at the other Sparks. “Actually, it would be helpful if one of you came along.”

  Diaz shrugged dramatically. “¡Que mala suerte! I have just remembered that I must see to my knitting! If it escapes, I shall have a devil of a time finding it again. Also, my narcolepsy, it is suddenly returning!” He dropped to the ground.

  Professor Mittlemind regretfully pulled forth a small calendar. “Today is the Feast of Saint Bunge: My religion forbids excessive vertical travel today, and I really should polish the spikes in the pit trap!”

  Mezzasalma watched their antics, his lip curling. “The two of you disgust me.” With a clatter of mechanical legs, he stepped aboard.

  Agatha regarded him with respect as von Zinzer threw some levers and swung the platform out over the shaft. “Professor Mezzasalma, you actually want to come?”

  Mezzasalma snorted. “Of course not, but they took all of the good excuses, and crying is undignified.”

  Von Zinzer rolled his eyes. “Brace yourselves! Here we go!”

  With a shudder, the platform began sinking down the shaft. To von Zinzer’s satisfaction, the platform descended slowly but smoothly, and the bright disk of light above them shrank and faded. Agatha flipped a switch and a jury-rigged set of lamps crackled into brightness, allowing them to examine the interiors of the rooms they were lowered through.

  “So, I hate to spoil the party,” von Zinzer began, “but have any of you Sparks actually thought about what we’re going to find down there?

  “I mean, what kind of power source runs a place like this?”

  Tarvek spoke up. “Tiktoffen said he never discovered it.” He peeked over the edge, down into the darkness. “I’m now tempted to believe that it was something he didn’t actually know.”

  “I asked my father about it once,” said Gil. “He told me that even Barry Heterodyne didn’t know. I found that a bit hard to believe—”

  “Master Barry did not lie.” The Castle’s voice was subdued. “By order of my creator, Faustus Heterodyne, my power source is one of the most closely guarded of family secrets.”

  “But,” Agatha frowned, “Uncle Barry was family.”

  “Technically, that is correct. However while he was a Heterodyne, he was never the Heterodyne. That was your father, the eldest brother. As it happened, he did not know either. Both Master William and Master Barry spent very little time within my halls. They were poisoned against me by their mother.84 As a result, we had…philosophical differences.

  “It never became necessary for the last Heterodyne—your father—to know all of my secrets and thus he never bothered to learn them.”

  The Castle paused. “It was a shame that he never fully embraced the family legacy. There was a refreshing simplicity to him. If he had been born two hundred years ago, I do not think that even the Storm King would have been able to stop him.”

  “Philosophical differences…yes, I can see that…Well, it’s necessary now,” Agatha sighed.

  “Under the circumstances, I must concur. I’ll of course have to kill most of your companions, to limit the knowledge of my workings and their location.”

  Everyone on the platform shot Agatha a worried look.

  “Don’t you dare,” she said sternly.

  “Well, of course, we must preserve your consorts. For the good of the line, you know. And for spare parts…” The Castle gave another chilling laugh.

  Mezzasalma glanced at Gil and Tarvek and turned to Agatha. “I…I think the two eyes you have are…are beautifully spider-like?” he said weakly.

  Agatha patted him gently on the arm. “Stop talking now.”

  She addressed the Castle. “I realize that you’re just amusing yourself at our expense, but even so, I want to make this very clear. These people are under my protection and you will honor that. Do you understand?”

  The Castle grumbled with a sound like gears grinding together. “Oh, very well, then,” it said sullenly.

  “Very well then—what?”

  “Very well then. Mistress.”

  Agatha nodded in satisfaction. “Don’t forget that.”

  “Hey!” Von Zinzer was peering over the edge of the platform. “We’re coming up on something big! What is that stuff?”

  “Indeed,” the Castle informed them. “You are approaching the Great Movement Chamber, wherein is hidden the source of the river Dyne. This is where your ancestors learned how to harness its power.”

  The platform cleared the ceiling and descended into a vast cavern. Everyone gasped in astonishment.

  Higher than a cathedral, the cavern was filled with massive gears and ancient machinery. The nearest wall was a towering relief of worked stone. Its design was only dimly visible near the bottom, which was lit by a flickering pool of clear blue light. It was a semi-enclosed spring, from which a glowing river of water burst forth. It flowed through an elaborate series of ancient iron gates and rushed down a central channel and off into the vastness of the cave. It flowed past the paddles of a titanic waterwheel that lay off-kilter and motionless, its axle splintered. The great pillar of rock that had caused the break still lay amongst the wreckage.

  “That’s not a new break,” Gil muttered as they all stepped off of the platform. “I’ll bet that big piece broke off the ceiling and smashed it when the Other attacked.”

  When everyone else had left the platform, von Zinzer threw a switch. He leapt off the platform as it slowly began to rise back to the top of the shaft. “Hope that was a good idea,” he muttered.

  The others were still mesmerized by the scene before them. “You—All of this is powered by water?” Agatha asked the Castle.

  “The Dyne is more than just water.” Deep as they were, the Castle’s voice was still with them. It echoed through the deep chambers and sent shivers through the listeners. “A bit of family history, my lady. When your ancestor first came to this place, there was only a small spring, sacred to the local Battle Goddess.”

  Tarvek interrupted. “When was this?”

  “How should I know?” the Castle replied. “It was long before I was built, and I measure time differently than you.”85

  It continued. “The spring’s guardians claimed that immersion in its waters brought insanity and death—except on those rare occasions when it pleased the Goddess to grant miraculous healing instead. To actually drink from it was unthinkable.

  “But your ancestor never had much use for other people’s rules. He drank from the spring. He should have died screaming. Instead, it granted him unearthly strength and stamina. He became greatly feared as the chosen consort of the Goddess and built his fortress upon this spot.

  “When Vlad the Blasphemous first brewed the Jägerdraught, he used water from the spring as a key ingredient.

  “Egregious Heterodyne decided that the spring was too small and set out to increase its flow. Th
at was when the river Dyne came to be. It was also when the first Castle was destroyed.”

  “The years when the Dyne flowed unchecked placed the family’s mark on this area for all time.” The Castle paused for a private chuckle, then continued. “It was Faustus Heterodyne who learned to spin a powerful energy from the waters. He was able to use this energy to create marvels undreamed of by earlier Heterodynes. His crowning achievement was, of course, myself.

  “I am afraid I require everything that can be wrung from the spring. Beyond this chamber, the waters of the Dyne no longer produce any interesting effects at all. Now the water can be drunk and safely harnessed by practically anybody. Ah, well, but that is outside. Here at the source, I would advise you to stay clear.”

  Von Zinzer leaned on an ornate, trilobite-decked rail and watched the water as it flowed through the channel. “So—drink the water here and you become a Jäger?”

  “Oh, dear me, no,” the Castle laughed. “Drink the water here and you die!” It laughed again. “Of course, drink the Jägerdraught and you’ll most likely die as well. But, even if you don’t, the water is only the start of the process. You should ask my lady to try it on you, once she’s got the time.”

  Von Zinzer stared at the water below. “No, thanks.”

  The Castle broke into another nasty laugh.

  Professor Mezzasalma stood near a row of ancient vacuum tubes that stretched off into the darkness. “And all of this bric-a-brac is necessary to extract the power from the waters?”

  “Of course not. The systems in the Great Movement Chamber serve many functions. There are thousands of systems and devices whose motive force originates here. Or did, rather, when everything was functioning…why, the bird baths alone require several dedicated steam turbines. All those little brushes, you know.”

  Gil and Tarvek had found a good spot and were, together, slowly pivoting in place as they looked around. When they returned to their starting place, the two men glanced at each other and scowled.

  “I don’t even know where to start,” Tarvek confessed.

  “This can’t be all of it,” Gil said. He waved towards the broken paddlewheel. “This thing has been broken for quite awhile, yet the Castle still has power.”

  “There’s obviously some sort of voltaic pile, but to run a place like this…”

  Gil grinned. “Oh yeah, I can’t wait to see it.” They walked back to Agatha. She had her back to them, staring at the hole in the floor and dabbing her cheeks with a handkerchief. “It’s your Castle, Agatha. Where should we go next?”

  “Hm?” She turned towards them, blinking. Gil and Tarvek gasped. Agatha’s skin was a bright emerald green. “Sorry,” she said. “I’m feeling a bit—” She saw their stares and glanced at her hand. “Ooh. That’s bad.”

  Tarvek turned to Gil. “No! She wasn’t hooked up to us! How is this even possible?”

  Gil crossed his arms. The purple of his skin deepened. “I knew it. You did kiss him.”

  Tarvek looked surprised. “She—what? I don’t remember that!”

  Agatha’s blush turned her skin slate-grey. “What would that have to do with anything?” she asked hotly.

  Gil indicated his now magenta skin. “I’m just replicating symptoms because of the Si Vales Valeo process.” He pointed at Tarvek. “But he’s actually infectious! You put your mouth on his dirty, diseased skin!”

  Tarvek glared at Gil. “I would have used better words than that.” He turned to scold Agatha. “But he’s right. You’ve shown a shocking disregard for basic medical safety.”

  Gil pointed to Tarvek. “What he said!”

  Tarvek continued in a gentler voice. “I can’t say I’m not touched, but when in the lab, it can be very dangerous to yield to one’s romantic impulses—”

  Gil rolled his eyes. “Oh, you’re definitely ‘touched’ all right,” he told Tarvek.

  “—No matter how difficult it is to resist.”

  Gil shook his head. “Before we die of this,” he said conversationally, “I am going to kill you.”

  “Stop it,” Agatha said. “We’re not beaten. We can still do this. We’ll find a sufficient power source, and finish the Si Vales Valeo. I’ll just hook myself into the circuit as well.”

  The two young men stared at her. Tarvek glanced at Gil. “Well… theoretically…”

  Gil shook his head. “I don’t think anyone has ever made something like that work.”

  Agatha poked him in the chest. “We’ll make it work.”

  “LOOK OUT BELOW!” The scream was followed by the crash of the lift platform against the lip of the shaft. Fraulein Snaug held onto the controls, even as she was thrown about. Quickly, the others rushed in and grabbed hold of the lift. They dragged it more firmly onto the floor beside the shaft and Snaug shakily got to her feet.

  “Here’s the equipment! S-sorry about that, Lady Heterodyne,” she said breathlessly. “I sort of came in a little fast and…” She looked around and worry filled her face. “Violetta was with me! She was!”

  “I’m right here.”

  They looked up in time to see the Smoke Knight slide down the last meter or so of cable and land delicately upon the roof of the platform.

  “I’m fine,” she declared airily. “When Snaug lost control, I simply—”

  Von Zinzer ignored her. “Are you all right?” he asked Fraulein Snaug, as he half-carried her to a bench. “You should sit. Better yet, lie down while I get you something to drink.” He paused. “Not water.”

  Snaug smiled gamely at him. “How sweet,” she whispered.

  Violetta stared at them sullenly until Tarvek derailed her thoughts. “Come, come, Violetta, let’s get this stuff unloaded.”

  Violetta swung smoothly down from the top of the platform, bringing her face-to-face with Agatha, who was currently orange.

  “What have those pigs done to you?” Violetta screamed. She rounded on Tarvek and Gil. “I can’t believe it! I hardly let you out of my sight and you morons violate enough medical protocols to get her infected? I’ll kill you both!”

  Agatha put a soothing hand on Violetta’s arm. “Mistakes were made,” she said vaguely, “but please don’t kill them. I need them alive, for the moment, and I am somewhat fond of them.”

  “What? Why?” Violetta began a full catalog of Tarvek’s faults, Gil’s probable equality of malfeasance, and a detailed suggestion about the benefits of taxidermy.

  Gil tried to get Agatha’s attention, but Tarvek shook his head. He waved Gil to a seat. “Don’t bother trying to ask Agatha anything, she’ll be busy until Violetta’s done ranting.” He turned towards Gil with a serious look on his face. “Just as well, actually. Listen, about these devices she built…” he patted the unit strapped to his chest.

  Gil gave Tarvek a wicked grin. “Well, we could get started right now if you’ll let me take yours apart to see how it works!”

  Tarvek nodded. “Good. I’m glad we’re on the same page.”

  Gil looked startled. “What? Hey, no, I was just—”

  Tarvek was serious. “You’re hooked up to me so you’ll keep me alive. Now you’re expected to manage for both Agatha and me? Ridiculous. The stochastic variables will start degrading the system almost immediately.”

  Gil looked away. “Yes, of course. But…”

  “I really don’t see this working,” said Tarvek. “If things even start to break down, we’re going to cut me loose.”

  “That won’t be necessary! If we do this quick enough—”

  Tarvek held up a hand, cutting him off. “If we do, that’s great, but, if not, no heroics. We save her. Right?”

  Gil nodded slowly. “Well…right. Of course.”

  Agatha came back to them, frowning suspiciously. “Are you two fighting again?”

  “No,” they said in unison.

  Professor Mezzasalma gave a shout and waved excitedly from a dark archway. Everyone else hurried over. He had discovered another cavernous room filled with long orderly rows of
glass spheres. Each sphere was almost two meters in diameter and rested on squat little stands made in the shape of rather sullen looking lizards. Their red eyes glowed dimly in the dark. Inside each sphere was a strange column of metal and crystal, rising from a pool of liquid. Each was capped with a dull metal lid, and each lid was hooked into an elaborate swirling net of wires that connected and interconnected in a dizzying tangle that stretched off into the shadows.

  Tarvek gave a shout of recognition and dragged Gil to the nearest sphere. “Baghdad Salamanders!86 An entire room full of them!”

  He turned to Agatha. “I did a whole thesis on these!” He turned back and regarded the room in awe. “But this isn’t a corroded, broken ruin in a buried tomb! These are active! Functional!” He stared around the room. “Blue fire,” he whispered. “There’s got to be over a thousand of them!”

  Gil nodded. “At least a thousand.” He turned to Agatha. “He’s right. These have got to be the power source.”

  “There’s so many of them,” Agatha whispered. “No wonder this place could run for so long.”

  “I’m astonished it’s running at all,” Tarvek declared. “See the eyes? Those are supposed to be blue. This place is almost done.” He turned back to them and rubbed his hands. “The good news is that I’m pretty sure I can recharge them.”

  Agatha considered this. “I think our best bet would be to find one in good shape—maybe two—and see if we can drain the power from a bunch of the others into it.”

  Tarvek bit his lip. “That sounds fun, but we are pressed for time.”

  The Castle interrupted. “There is a maintenance shed nearby. There should be tools and supplies. I believe you should also find a set of blueprints as well as a current flow diagram.” There was a different quality to its voice. Agatha suspected that it wasn’t quite the same part of the Castle they’d been dealing with earlier.

  Gil beamed. “Why, that should help us tremendously! Lead us to it!”

  Agatha nodded. “Good. While you’re working on that, I’ll start working on one of those chest pieces for myself. Then, we’ve got to start on something to channel the current through us.”

  “Yeah, we…um…” Gil stopped. “Wait.” He said, turning slowly to Agatha.