Agatha H and the Voice of the Castle

by Kaja Foglio

  Gil shook his head with regret. “Don’t I know it. But all the machinery we need is down here, and there’s definitely too much of it to move.” He looked back to the damaged Muse. “Anyway, we don’t need the whole watchdog clank, which is good. Doctor Merlot shot it up pretty badly, if I remember. No, it’s all right if we can’t get it all down here. All we really need are the cognitive engines and a viable power source to run them.”

  Mezzasalma nodded wearily. “The head is still large, and decoupling it will be tricky.” He straightened up and took a deep breath. “I’ll want all my tools then.”

  Gil smiled. “Good man. It’ll still be quicker than building something from scratch.” He gazed upwards at the hole in the ceiling. “Now I don’t know what’s waiting up there, so we’ll take—”

  Tarvek had come up beside Gil, and now he interrupted. “We’ll send Princess Zeetha, Mezzasalma, Snaug, Von Zinzer, and your man Higgs.”

  Gil’s eyes narrowed. “Don’t be stupid. At least you or I should go.”

  Tarvek shook his head. “No, we need you down here.” He then leaned in and whispered, “Besides, there’s something we need to discuss. In private.”

  Gil leaned back and examined Tarvek’s face. He nodded slowly. “But it could be dangerous up there.”

  Tarvek nodded. “That’s equally true everywhere in here. But that’s why I want to send—” He suddenly became aware of Airman Higgs standing silently, right behind his shoulder. “Princess Zeetha,” he said smoothly.

  Zeetha grinned. “Ha! He is a smart guy!”

  Higgs took a gentle pull on his pipe. “Sure is,” he agreed.

  In a few minutes, most of the party once again stood on the platform. Just as it was about to rise, Agatha pulled a small metal ball out her apron pocket and tossed it up to Zeetha, who easily snapped it out of the air. It was the device Agatha had been working on earlier. “What’s this?”

  “When you get to that fun-size clank up there—if you need any help, just wind that up and tell it what you need!”

  The platform started upward. Zeetha looked at the ball dubiously and tucked it into a pocket.

  Violetta looked at Agatha curiously. “What was that?”

  Agatha shrugged. “Just a little something that’ll help them.” She considered this. “Probably.” She thought a little more. “Yeah…” She looked at Violetta and bit her lip. “Well, it won’t hurt them, anyway.”

  The two women stared upwards. “Oh, gods. They’re doomed, aren’t they?” Violetta asked conversationally.

  Agatha turned away. “Nonsense. They’re probably not ‘doomed’ per se…”

  As Agatha and Violetta went back to work, Tarvek and Gil lagged behind, watching as the lift disappeared into the shadows above them. Finally, Gil cocked an eyebrow. “All right…So what are we discussing?”

  Tarvek took a deep breath. “I’m the Storm King.”

  Gil went still. “You’re what?”

  Tarvek spoke quietly, urgently. “Agatha and Violetta already know. You need to know, too. Zola is too dangerous—”

  Gil interrupted. “Hang on!” He was furious now. “This whole thing with Zola—this is your plan?”

  Tarvek waved his hands and addressed the ceiling. “This! Was! Not! My! Plan!” he shouted, exasperated. “My plan was a gem-like thing of perfect beauty!”

  “What are you shouting at?” Agatha asked, as she and Violetta joined them.

  She never got an answer. A glass sphere suddenly smashed at their feet. A dense cloud of yellow smoke arose, and, with a sigh, she, Violetta, Gil, and Tarvek all collapsed to the ground.

  Zola, a gasmask pulled up over her features, stepped out from the shadows. She pulled a small device from a pocket and wound it up. As it ticked, she examined the people lying before her. “Oh, Gil,” she said affectionately, “what am I going to do with you? I do hope you don’t go all stubborn and force me to kill you. I have such lovely plans for you. More now than ever!”

  She then turned and shook her head. “Ha. And Prince Tarvek Sturmvarous. You’re still a sentimental fool. Well, we can soon fix that. You’ll be a model Storm King when I’m through with you.”

  Another turn and a smile flitted across her face. “Oh dear, and here’s little Violetta. Always the best…at losing. Some things just never change.”

  Finally she turned to Agatha. The look on her face was now serious. She shook her head. “And Agatha Heterodyne. Unbelievable. Just by existing you almost spoiled everything.” She nudged Agatha with her boot. “Still…you may be of use to me yet.” The ticking device in her hand chimed and Zola began to remove her gas mask, and pivoted smoothly in time to avoid Violetta’s rush from behind. She gave a delighted laugh.

  “Oh! You shook that off quickly. Very good! Very textbook!” She continued to move and her boot caught the seat of Violetta’s pants, sending her crashing to the floor. “And here I was convinced you only passed your examinations because of your family connections!” A graceful flip put her into position to smack her boot brutally into Violetta’s ribs. “But you really should have put more effort into your combat training.” Another kick. “You know, like I did!”

  She wound up standing over Agatha, who was still out cold. Violetta raised a hand feebly. “Don’t kill her,” she wheezed. “She’s my…”

  Zola looked shocked. “Ooh, you horrid little traitor! She has ruined everything the Order—” she glanced at Tarvek, “and your family has worked so hard for all these years.” She swept in and studied Violetta’s face as the girl struggled to rise. “And yet you’re defending her. Fascinating.” She straightened up. “It’s well known that Sparks can ensure the loyalty of the feeble-minded.” Violetta tensed and Zola punched her in the throat, sending her back to the ground, gasping.

  “But don’t you worry, I won’t kill her just yet. I was chosen for this role because I am very good at improvising when things go wrong!” She looked around and sighed dramatically. “So really, I’m in my element right now, wouldn’t you say?” She shrugged philosophically. “There have always been aspects of this operation that were less than ideal in my family’s opinion.” She tapped her jaw thoughtfully. “But I’m beginning to think that I can fix that…”

  Violetta roused herself. “Your family? Who—”

  With a graceful pirouette, Zola slammed her boot into the side of Violetta’s head, knocking her unconscious. “Ho ho,” she chided. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

  After making sure that the girl was in fact out, Zola turned towards Agatha. She giggled. “I don’t know why I bother talking to that girl. But it’s true, I can turn the very worst situations to my advantage, and this one does have such potential.” She pulled a small ampoule from a pouch. She snapped the vial and waved it under Agatha’s nose. “Wakey, wakey, cheri,” she sang cheerfully.

  Agatha started and her eyes fluttered open. “Mwa?” She saw Zola and gasped as Zola deftly plucked the trilobite amulet from around her throat.

  “NO!” Agatha screamed. “DON’T!” She clutched at her head.

  With a cry of triumph, Lucrezia roared forth. Then she looked around her, and blinked in surprise. She stared at Zola. “Oh! My goodness. Who—?”

  Zola looked down at her and smiled. “Hello, Auntie Lucrezia, I’m here to help you.”

  TO BE CONTINUED IN VOLUME 4:

  Agatha H and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

  _______________

  99 Georges Feydeau was a French playwright who specialized in comedic farce. His plays are known for their witty and complex plots, usually involving misunderstandings and bizarre coincidences. While not a Spark himself, he found much material in portraying their lives, which tended to be full of complexity, misunderstandings, and coincidences. Aptly, he was killed by an enraged lover, who mistook him for the clank duplicate that an appreciative Spark fan had constructed of him. The duplicate functioned for another two decades, and due to the increasingly erratic nature of its writings (caused by a lack of maintenanc
e), became a key forerunner of Absurdist Theatre. His best known work remains A Flea in Her Gear.

  A NOTE FROM YOUR HUMBLE EDITOR

  Here at Pontexeter Publications, we strive to provide the most complete, well-researched and up-to-date listings for our readers. Yet, as any seasoned traveler will tell you, conditions in foreign lands can change overnight for any number of incomprehensible foreign reasons, which is why you should always remember the famous dictate of our founder, Ulysses Pontexeter, “Pack half the luggage you want, twice the money you think you’ll need, and keep ready a fast horse.”

  There is no better exemplar of this than the famous town of Mechanicsburg. In the twenty years since the 9th Edition was published, things have changed so much that we have had to completely rewrite the listing. We apologize in advance for any discrepancies the traveler may encounter. Just remember; this is still Mechanicsburg.

  MECHANICSBURG. ROMANIA

  When you first glimpse one of the most storied towns in Europa, you will probably be disappointed at its modest size.

  For close to a thousand years, Mechanicsburg has been the home of the infamous Heterodynes: that dynasty of merciless Sparks who once roamed the continent at will, plundering and subjugating all before them. Mechanicsburg was and is their capital, but the traveler will discover that it is unlike any other capital city on Earth.

  For one thing, it is constrained in size by the very geological features that defend it. Girt by some of the most vertiginous mountains of the Transylvanian Alps and sheer chasms carved by the Dyne—that fierce and unpredictable river which rises within the town itself—Mechanicsburg could only get so big.

  This geological unevenness is found within the town’s walls as well, and as a result, it is a superb example of extreme land-use management. Indeed, several of the ingenious techniques developed by the masters of Mechanicsburg have subsequently been adopted by the rest of Europa.

  Secondly, although Heterodynes easily conquered vast stretches of the land, they were never very interested in holding it afterwards. An area would be conquered and the inhabitants forced to pay tribute, and then, more often than not, would hear nothing more from their conquerors for a generation. For the Heterodynes, as a rule, the thrill was in the conquering.

  Thus, the town never received a sustained influx of treasure in the form of taxes or, perhaps more importantly, the swarms of ambitious courtiers and bureaucrats that would follow same. While Mechanicsburg never forbade visitors, it was a rare traveler that went there willingly, and thus any new ideas from the outside world were usually dragged in at the end of a chain.

  This resulted in a business class composed almost entirely of subjugated merchants, minions, tradesmen, monsters, and artisans who were directly answerable to an unstable higher authority. Today, this has evolved into a level of service that the visitor may find surprising, if not downright unnerving.

  Less than thirty years ago, Mechanicsburg was still a place to be avoided—spoken of only in whispers—a dark stain upon the map.

  All of that changed when the last of the Heterodynes assumed the mantle. William (Bill) Heterodyne, and his brother Barry Heterodyne, seemed determined to redeem the family name, and to a large extent, have managed to do so through their exploits and good works.

  They opened Mechanicsburg to the outside world when they established The Great Hospital, which quickly became one of the most advanced centers of medical learning in Europa. Patients came, slowly, at first, and the wondrous cures they reported soon ensured a steady stream of visitors.

  Once back on their feet, these visitors discovered a town like no other. The Heterodynes of old spent their time and money in their own backyard, as it were, and as a result, bequeathed the town an assortment of truly wondrous spoils—many of which can be viewed in a wide variety of museums and semi-private collections.

  Mechanicsburg also contains stunning examples of architecture and civil engineering. Everywhere, you will find evidence of the ingenious and unexpected mechanisms that run the town. These will prove a source of perpetual delight to the mechanically-minded tourist.

  After the disappearance of the Heterodyne Boys, Mechanicsburg was quickly absorbed into the Empire of Baron Klaus Wulfenbach, and today is a loyal and law-abiding member of the Pax Transylvania, sharing in the Empire’s currency, postal, and transportation systems.

  The historical adventures of the early Heterodyne family, while unsavory, have left a colorful legacy. Echoes of those tumultuous days can be detected in the traditions still practiced at the numerous festivals and fairs, many unique to the region, that are generously spread throughout the town’s calendar year. With an exciting nightlife, vibrant market places, a plethora of inns, and an award-winning restaurant scene taking full advantage of the famous Mechanicsburg snail, it is safe to say that the town has embraced its new identity as a tourist destination and is quickly becoming one of the expected stops on the traditional Grand Tour.

  The town is informally divided into five neighborhoods. These are roughly wedge-shaped areas that all meet at Castle Heterodyne, which looms on a pinnacle of rock in the center of town.

  The Hospital District is the area most familiar to visitors. It is dominated by the Great Hospital itself, and it is here that you will find most of the related businesses and industries, such as pharmacies, medical supply shops, and some of the more exotic specialists. There are also inns and hostels for outpatients and their guests, as well as a number of shops and eateries to cater to their needs. It is the quietest neighborhood, and revelry is curtailed, especially after dark. It is the result of massive rebuilding and redesign by the Heterodyne Boys themselves, and on old maps, you will find it labeled as The Flesh Yards. Usually in red.

  Going clockwise, we come to The Greens. The old Heterodynes maintained this open greensward within the town and over the centuries, it has been used for everything from grazing, to jousts, to biological experiments, to the hunting of prisoners for sport. These days it has been extensively landscaped and contains assorted water features, gazebos, and botanical curiosities, the more dangerous of which are clearly marked. In older maps, one will find reference to a Petting Zoo. Avoid this area at all costs.

  Next is The Field of Weights. Here you will find most of the businesses, especially those that cater to visitors, as well as the Government Offices, and most of the towns’ restaurants and entertainments. Do explore the famous Poisoner’s Market, as well as the many other specialty bazaars and shopping districts, which are clearly marked on any city map.

  Next, we come to The Tumbles. It is here that the people of Mechanicsburg tend to live. It is a quiet district, with little of interest to outsiders, aside from the occasional restaurant. For those so inclined, it is where you will find some of the town’s more interesting architecture, and as always, the residents will cheerfully provide directions and suggestions on how to go somewhere else.

  Last, but not least, there is The Court of Gears. Here you will find The Factory, as well as Mechanicsburg’s freelance inventors, artisans, and builders. Almost any machine or component thereof can be found here, as well as the famous Scrap Swap Yards. For the casual visitor, we recommend The Dawn Clank Inspection and Activation, which takes place every morning at six a.m.

  —Pontexeter’s Guide to Transylvania, Moldavia, Wallachia, & Croatia. 10th Edition

  ABOUT THE AUTHORS

  Kaja Foglio attended the Fine Arts Department of the University of Washington, where she learned how to see past the façade of cultural stereotypes surrounding an object, be able to discern the artistic principles that said object was attempting to express and then elucidate these principles with an awareness of the artist’s purpose while acknowledging (without necessarily condoning) said artist’s own cultural biases and place in history, and not be embarrassed to ask people for money for doing so. Her first professional art job was for a small, independent, Seattle game start-up called Wizards of the Coast, for whom she produced several iconic Magic: The Gath
ering cards. The company she set up to sell art prints, Studio Foglio, later morphed into a publisher of books and comics, for which, thanks to the rigors of her university training, she is not at all embarrassed to ask for money.

  Phil Foglio has toiled in the fields of science fiction, comics and gaming since the 1970s. He won a pair of Fan Artist Hugo Awards in ’77 and ’78. He produced What’s New With Phil & Dixie for Dragon Magazine, adapted Robert Asprin’s Mythadventures for WARP Graphics, and independently published his own comic series Buck Godot-Zap Gun For Hire and XXXenophile, as well as doing work for DC, Marvel, Dark Horse, and a depressingly long list of no longer existing companies. He has done work for numerous game companies, including Wizards of the Coast (Magic: The Gathering and Roborally), Steve Jackson Games (S.P.A.N.K. and GURPS IOU), Cheapass Games (Deadwood Studios and BRAWL), and Spiderweb Software (Avernum). He co-wrote the frankly silly science-fiction novel Illegal Aliens with Nick Pollotta. In his spare time, he did some medieval dancing and improv sketch comedy.

  Phil & Kaja met thanks to a diligent comics shop owner. They have been working on the Girl Genius series since 1993, which puts it in the running for “Worst Get Rich Quick Scheme Ever.” They were the first ever creators to take an established comics property and begin putting it up for free online, which to everyone’s surprise (including their own) immediately tripled their sales. As a webcomic (http://www.girlgeniusonline.com), Girl Genius won the first three Hugo Awards for Best Graphic Story. They enjoy traveling, the opera, gardening, and various video games.