A Home for my Heart (Matters of the Heart #3)

by Velvet Reed

  “Yeah, I know. We saw her a few days ago and she was the same as she’s been since Sam…” Gracie instantly stops what she’s doing and her words. Then gives me a sympathetic smile. “Sorry.”

  I haven’t been thinking about him. At least I’ve been trying not to think about him. I made myself say goodbye. Things with Tanner took a turn on Halloween, after that heavy make out session. I know Tanner wants more from me, and I feel the connection between us, too, but I can’t bring myself to jump into the relationship waters with two feet again. I’m content to just dip my toes in at the moment. I’ve never been one to dive into sex straight away in a relationship. God knows I didn’t do it with Sam or the other two guys I’ve been with. I’m just really thankful Tanner understands and has agreed to take things slow. For now, kissing and the occasional touching is more than enough. It’s taking all my effort to get used to that and not ache for it to be Sam’s touch or kiss.

  The biggest thing about the little progress I’ve made with Tanner is that I haven’t had another one of those nightmare flashback things since the one on Halloween where Sam left with my parents. That one was, by far, the worst I’ve had. But as I take each little step with Tanner, I take a step closer to healing. Tanner is a salve that soothes my broken, aching heart... even if only for a little while. I just don't think he could ever repair the jagged, gaping hole Sam left in my soul when he walked away without a word. No matter how much I want him to.

  “What’s happened to change her mood?” I ask in an effort to move the focus back to Olivia.

  Gracie’s brow furrows. “We’re not sure,” she admits. “But whatever it is, I’m just happy to see her smiling again.”

  I nod in agreement and adjust a few pieces of cutlery.

  With everything in place, I turn and start for the door and come to a stop when she asks, “So, how are things going with you and Tanner?”

  I knew she was busting for information. I haven’t gone into too much detail with her about what’s been going on between Tanner and I over the last month. She tried to pry it out of me after we went out to dinner with her and Cole about two weeks ago. Tanner’s casual, affectionate touches were enough of an indicator to show we had progressed from something more than friendship. Facing her fully I give her a small smile, “Things are great.” I say in an overly cheerful tone which sends her brows sky high.

  She gives a little giggle. “Well, I can see that. I could see it two weeks ago when you refused to discuss your relationship with me because you were too busy at work.” She actually uses air quotes when she says busy, making me laugh at her now. “Maybe I should rephrase my question… What is this thing going on between you and Tanner?”

  I eye her for moment. I’ve always been able to read Gracie like a book, but right now I can’t tell if she’s asking out of concern for me, for Tanner, or for Bryan’s garage because Tanner works there, and if things don’t pan out between us, that could cause her dad problems. I decide to be honest and see where the conversation goes. “We’re seeing each other. We’re taking it very slowly but I guess you could say we’re a couple.”

  Gracie’s smile turns a little grim but she quickly tries to hide it.

  “Is that a problem?” I ask, suddenly feeling uneasy and a little defensive.

  “No, of course not,” she hastily replies. “It’s just…”

  When she looks away, not meeting my eyes, it’s obvious there’s a problem. “Just what, Gracie?”

  At my tone she does look at me. “Cole and I are just worried about you, okay? Sam’s only been gone three months and you’re already moving on. It’s a little fast, don’t you think? I mean, you loved Sam and I know you, Ash. You’ve never been the type of person who jumps from one relationship to another. Things won’t exactly go well if Tanner’s just a rebound, he could get hurt and then what would happen with him working at the garage? What happens if Sam comes back?”

  I stand frozen, completely stunned. Who is this person and what has she done with my best friend? My blood heats in my veins and my temper rises. “Wow!” I say in disbelief. “I never knew you thought so little of me.” Gracie goes to interrupt me but I cut her off. “Firstly, as for your concerns about your dad’s business, it has nothing to do with that. Tanner and I are both adults, Gracie. He knows exactly what we are, and as I said before. We. Are. Taking. It. Very. Slow.” I annunciate those words very clearly hoping she will actually hear me.

  “Ash, I didn’t mean…” she tries to speak but I stop her again and the level of my voice raises a little.

  “Secondly, I really have to wonder if the concerns about Sam are yours or Cole’s. Cole is, after all, Sam’s best friend and brother so it’s obvious where his loyalty lies. There’s also the fact that Sam has kept in contact with Cole during the last three months, even if only in little amounts. What astounds me, though, is that you have been my best friend for almost my entire life, yet here you are questioning me and my morals, making it pretty clear that your loyalty and opinions now fall in to line with Cole’s.”

  “Ashley!” Gracie screeches and looks on the verge of tears.

  Too bad! I will not be made out to be the bad guy in this situation. I’m entitled to be happy.

  “NO!” I yell. “This is supposed to be Thanksgiving, Grace. We were supposed to be here celebrating as a family and you brought this on.” I point my finger at her in accusation. “My third and final point is this. Sam left me!” I declare, pointing to myself this time. “I loved him with everything I am. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, having babies and grow old with him. To have my own family. But He. Left. Me. He didn’t tell me he was leaving. He was just gone without a trace. He asked me to move in with him just a few hours earlier and then I didn’t hear from him again.” I’m crying now. Crying because I’m so goddamn angry and hurt by Gracie’s words, and I’m crying because I thought I was over the pain. Talking about it is like reliving it all over again… and it still fucking hurts so much.

  “You have no idea what it’s like to have someone walk out of your life like that. To love a person so much and have them disappear from your life without a word, without an explanation, leaving you to think that you’re worthless.”

  Gracie moves towards me but I put my hand up to stop her. “Sam left me, Grace. He left me, just like my parents did. But I’m not worthless and I refuse to be treated that way. Tanner likes me and I like him. He makes me happy and I fucking deserve that,” I choke out through a sob. “I deserve that.”

  So caught up in my rage I haven’t noticed the audience that has gathered at the entrance to the dining room. Cole walks over and wraps his arms around Gracie and she cries into his chest. Olivia has tears in her eyes and the others all appear to be very concerned. When I find Tanner, his expression is unreadable, but he makes his way towards me and wraps me in his arms too.

  “Ashley…” Cole says, but Tanner interrupts him.

  “I think that’s enough, Cole.” His tone is commanding, while his stance is protective.

  “Just let me say this, Tanner,” Cole replies before saying my name again and I look up at him. “None of us have taken sides over what Sam did.” There’s a grunt of derision from Charlie but Cole ignores it. “We love you, and we all want you to be happy again. Tanner is part of our extended family now, whether the two of you have a relationship or not. As you said, you’re both adults, so it will all work out. When Sam left, it hurt a lot of us, you especially. Was his reaction a bit over the top? Maybe. But he was obviously hurting badly enough that he had to get away. Gracie has been worried sick about you. We all have, but you have to realize that he probably won’t stay away forever. We’re just hoping you’re prepared for that possibility.”

  I move out of Tanner’s embrace, wipe the tears from my face and fold my arms across my chest. I take a moment to think about what they’ve said. Everything hurts and I’m more raw than I thought I was. I just hate being blindsided. Heaving a loud sigh, I look at Gracie. “This a
ll just felt like I was getting attacked for starting a relationship with Tanner.”

  Gracie and I walk towards each other. “I’m sorry,” we say at the same time and go into each other’s arms for a hug. Keeping our arms around each other I turn to the room and apologize. “I’m sorry for ruining Thanksgiving.”

  There’s rebuffs that I didn’t ruin anything, followed by a few hugs and then slowly everyone goes back to what they were doing before, leaving Grace, Cole, Tanner and myself alone.

  “I truly didn’t mean for that to happen, Ash. I love you. It just came out the wrong way and you should know without a doubt that my loyalty, as your best friend and sister, are always with you. I hope you and Tanner are happy, and if you want it to be more, then I’ll be right there by your side supporting you one hundred percent,” Gracie says sincerely, as her eyes glisten and she nibbles her lip pensively.

  Pulling her into my arms again I hug her tight. “I love you, too. I’m sorry for flying off the handle like that.”

  “You need a hug, too, Tanner?” Cole jokes, breaking the seriousness of the last twenty or so minutes and moves with outstretched arms towards Tanner.

  “I think I do, Cole,” Tanner replies, clearly picking up on Cole’s tactic and they hug each other the way men do with pats on the back.

  “You two are hilarious,” Gracie mocks. “A real pair of comedians.” They smile back at us and it’s disarming how handsome they both are. “While Ash and I clean ourselves up and fix our make-up, why don’t you go check on Cooper and ensure everyone has a drink?”

  Cole kisses her indulgently. “Anything for you, Sweet Cheeks. Come on, Tanner, we’ve been given our orders.”

  Tanner kisses my forehead and leans down to whisper in my ear. “You okay? Because if you’re not, I won’t go.”

  I lean my head against his strong chest and smile to myself. He’s always making sure I’m okay. Looking up I kiss his lips gently. “I’m fine.” He looks at me skeptically. “Honestly, I am. The meltdown’s over. Go make sure Cole doesn’t get in any trouble.” Tanner and Cole chuckle as they walk away, talking easily like the good friends they’ve become.

  Gracie takes my arm and leads me to the bathroom. We quickly and quietly go about making ourselves presentable again, though there’s no hiding that we’ve both shed a few tears. We can never stay angry at each other for too long, it’s been that way our entire friendship. She finishes before me and waits patiently while I reapply some lip gloss, though I can tell she has something more to say. I turn to face her when I’m done. “Just say or ask it,” I say.

  She smiles at me knowingly. “Last thing, I promise,” she says while making an ‘x’ across her heart like we used to as kids. “Do you still love Sam?”

  I close my eyes wanting desperately to lie but I can’t. “Yes.”

  Gracie nods her head and gives me a small sad smile. “What are you going to do if he comes back?”

  My stomach somersaults at the thought. Before Tanner I hoped, prayed and begged for him to come home, to come back to me, but now I really just want to let it go and keep moving forward with Tanner. “I don’t know, Gracie. I really don’t know.”

  She nods again and wraps an arm around my shoulder. “Let’s go see what the others are up to, have a few Cosmos and eat until we can’t move.”

  Wrapping my arm around her as well, we make our way out of the bathroom and through the bedroom. “I won’t say no to that,” I tell her.

  Walking down the hall, the doorbell rings, and I hear Charlie call out, “I’ll get it.”

  “You expecting someone else?” I ask Grace.

  “Nope, everyone’s already here,” she says, confused, and quickens her steps.

  Getting to the entryway we see Charlie open the door and then spit out, “What the hell are you doing here?”

  “Charlie!” Gracie’s terse reprimand has Charlie spinning around which gives me an uninhibited view of the new arrival.

  Instantly, everything else around me fades away, as if I’m in a tunnel, focused solely on what’s at the other end of it. I hear Gracie gasp but it sounds as if she’s far away and not right beside me. Someone else says something from behind me but with green eyes locked on mine, nothing else is making sense. I’m struck dumb. Frozen in place. That is, until two words are uttered. “Hey, Beautiful.”

  Those two words slice through my heart. His little smirk and beautiful green eyes pierce through my soul. Then without conscious thought I’m in motion, propelling myself forward towards the man I loved with every single fiber of my being. Toward the man who broke my heart and who now stands before me. There’s something in the way he stares at me, something different that I’ve never seen before, but choose to ignore now.

  “Ash” he breathes when I’m all but a foot away from him. The sound of my name coming from his lips is what I’ve dreamt of hearing for so long.

  The next sound that penetrates my mind is the crunching of bones and a pained grunt as my fist connects with Sam’s face.

  Instantly, everything comes back into sharp focus. Chaos erupts as Sam stumbles back, cursing up a storm and holding his face. Charlie starts laughing hysterically beside me and Gracie pulls me backwards. I watch as Olivia rushes by me towards Sam, followed by John. Indistinguishable voices speak too fast around me, but then I see Tanner’s face and I’m being led towards the kitchen by him and Gracie.

  “Let me see your hand,” Tanner commands after placing me on a bar stool, and I hold it out for him. The moment he touches my thumb, pain shoots through it into my palm and I yelp. “Gracie, you better get Cole,” Tanner says. “I think it’s broken.”

  “Jesus,” Gracie exclaims and takes off, calling out Cole’s name.

  Sitting there staring at my hand, I process the fact that Sam’s back and I just punched him in the face. “I hit him,” I say, numb. “I actually hit him,” I repeat and look up at Tanner.

  The concern in his gaze belies the laughter evident there. “You sure did, baby. But I think I’m going to have to show you how to throw a punch properly so you don’t break anything but his face next time.” Then he leans down and kisses me just as Cole and Gracie hurry back into the kitchen.

  “Let’s take a look at your hand, Ash. With the damage on Sam’s face, I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve broken something,” Cole says.

  I let Cole do his thing, wincing in pain at his touch. Charlie barrels into the kitchen a minute later, still laughing, and I watch as he goes over to Tanner and they give each other high fives. Figures they’d get enjoyment out of this.

  The look on his face flashes in my mind and then his words, ‘Hey Beautiful.’ He’s back. Sam’s really back… And I just punched him in the face. This has to be the worst Thanksgiving ever.

  I was a million times more nervous standing outside Cole and Gracie’s front door than I was at Olivia and John’s a few days ago. Everyone was here, and if Olivia hadn’t told me that herself yesterday, the number of cars outside made it obvious. My arrival was going to have a big audience.

  What I wasn’t expecting, even though I probably should have since he warned me about hurting Ashley, was the malicious fury that Charlie greeted me with when he opened the door. I was just about to speak to him when I hear Gracie call his name but then he moved and there she was. My Ashley. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. For three months I looked at photos on my phone and replayed images of her in my mind, but none of that did justice to the exquisite woman before me. She was breathtaking. Absolutely gorgeous.

  We held each other’s stare and I greeted her, my body humming with longing and anticipation. It took everything in me not to rush forward and take her in my arms. I wanted to touch her, breathe her in and kiss that mouth. Then she was coming towards me and my heart took flight in my chest. All I could think was how damn beautiful she was. Then the next thing I knew, sharp pain exploded through the side of my face.

  I just received a damn good right hook to the face from the woman I love.

/>   Holding my face and saying more expletives than appropriate on a holiday like today, I’m quickly surrounded by Olivia and John. There’s so much commotion going on inside the house but when I look up through my one good eye I can’t see Ashley anywhere.

  “Oh, good lord. You’re bleeding, Sam, Honey,” Olivia tells me, as her and John usher me inside from where I am on the porch. “Let’s get you to the bathroom and survey the damage.”

  I don’t bother saying anything to anyone else but I do catch Cole’s eye and he says, “Welcome home, I guess.” He doesn’t get to say more because Gracie starts yelling his name, saying something about needing him to check out Ashley’s hand. If the pain I’m experiencing is anything to go by, then I’d bet my life Ash’s hand is hurting like a bitch, too.

  Stepping inside the bathroom I take a look in the mirror. Jesus! She sure packs a punch. My entire cheek is red and starting to swell already, with a cut about an inch long along my cheekbone. A dark tinge is starting to appear beneath my eye as well and I have no doubt it will only get worse.

  Olivia, who was rummaging around in the medicine cabinet, hands John a first aid kit. “I don’t think we’ll need that,” I say, turning around to face them.

  “Just take a seat and I’ll clean the cut, at least,” John instructs with a grim smile. I do as he says and sit down on the closed toilet lid because, really, there’s no point in arguing with either of them. The last two days have been filled with phone calls, text messages and even visits to my apartment from them. It’s been weird but nice having them in protective mode, but I’m also not stupid enough to believe that fear of me leaving again has something to do with their actions.

  “What on earth was Ashley thinking?” Olivia says to no one in particular. “I mean, really. It’s Thanksgiving, for goodness' sakes.”

  “Emotions are high, Livie, and you really can’t blame the girl for being shocked at seeing Sam again so unexpectedly. This is exactly why I suggested we tell them all that he is home,” John says, while swiping a cotton tip with antiseptic liquid across the cut.