Fall From Love

by Heather London

  “Right. Normal.” She nods her head. “Sorry, I forgot. I just saw that look on your face when you saw him and, when you closed your eyes; I knew that you were going back to that night.”

  The last thing I want to do is keep talking or reminiscing about that night. “Go apologize to Josh,” I tell her again, giving her a pointed look and hoping to turn the focus off myself.

  She sighs and takes another drink from her beer. “Guess you’re right.” She starts walking to the doors, stops, and then turns back to me. “You coming?”

  “Yeah, I’ll be right behind you.” I muster everything I have inside me and give her a smile, hoping she’ll believe it. The one thing I need right now is time alone, yet Jenna won’t give it to me unless she thinks that I’m alright.

  “Okay, I’ll see you out there.”

  When she’s gone, I lean myself back up against the wall and take in a few deep breaths.

  Chapter Four

  Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.

  ~ Søren Kierkegaard

  CARTER

  I fucking knew it. This morning before class, Josh said that he wanted to have a few people over for a barbeque tonight and wanted to know if I was cool with it. I didn’t really think too much of it; none of that is unusual. Overall, he’s a pretty cool roommate and he is always courteous with things like that. What was weird and what made me suspicious was the fact he wouldn’t quit asking me what my plans were, he wanted to know if I was going to be around. It wasn’t until he told me that Jenna was coming and she was inviting Holly that it all made sense.

  Before I answered him, I thought about it for a minute. I’ve been trying to get in touch with Holly for months; however, her bodyguard of a best friend all but threatened to kill me if I ever got close to her.

  Josh and Jenna have been dating for a few months now and she comes over to the house a few times a week. She doesn’t talk to me much, but it really doesn’t bother or surprise me. I’m used to the people who were close to Adam treating me that way. Sometimes she spends the night, but she always wakes up really early to leave, like she’s sneaking out or something.

  Since there is only a single, thin wall separating Josh’s bedroom from mine, and I didn’t want to hear them enjoying themselves all night, I’d usually sleep on the couch in the living room, or if it’s warm enough, on the couch in the garage. When I would hear her car start up and I knew she was gone, I‘d head back up to my room.

  So before I leave for class, I lie, telling Josh that I won’t be around this weekend. I tell him I’m going home to see my mom in Denver. I feel a little bad for lying to him, but I know that if I said that I will be here, then Holly definitely wouldn’t be.

  Ever since that night at the hospital when I told her about the accident, she avoids me like I’m the fucking plague. Like the other night at Sterling’s, she practically had a panic attack the moment she saw me. All I want to do is talk to her and make sure she’s okay—to see if there’s anything I can do for her.

  When I walk out into the backyard and see her sitting next to Jenna, my stomach twists into something horrible, making me feel like I’m going to be sick. I’m not sure why, maybe it’s just nerves from thinking there’s a chance I’ll actually get to talk to her this time.

  Casually, I walk around and greet a few people. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Josh staring at me. It’s not until my eyes meet Holly’s, and her expression falls, do I realize how much pain she’s still in. It kills me to know that just seeing me does this to her; that I cause her so much pain. I’ll never forget the way she looked at me in the hospital that night, the same way she’s looking at me right now; it’s one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen. The image of her standing in the hospital with that terrified look on her face is all I see when I close my eyes at night. Well, that and maybe a few other images that I’d rather forget.

  Just like that night at Sterling’s, Jenna drags her away from me. When they disappear inside the house, Josh is at my side.

  “What are you doing here, man?” he asks with a bitter tone.

  “I live here,” I say, shouldering past him, not feeling like talking or hearing him complain to me.

  “Don’t be a smart ass,” he says, following right behind me. “I asked you this morning if you were gonna be around this weekend and you said you were going home to Denver.”

  “Yeah, and I changed my mind.” I turn around, facing him. “Am I not allowed to be here? Is that it?” I challenge.

  He flinches from my tone and then changes his stance. “Shit, dude,” he says under his breath. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to just attack you like that. It’s just, Jenna asked me this morning if you were gonna be here and I told her no. So, I’m—I’m assuming that’s why Holly came.” He shakes his head and hangs it low. “I’m just gonna keep my mouth shut.”

  I relax my shoulders and feel the tension ease from my jaw. It’s hard to be mad at him. The last few months he’s had to juggle his new girlfriend and his best friend not getting along.

  “You know what? I can feel that I’m not wanted, I’m just gonna go. I didn’t mean to cause a scene,” I say, and it’s the truth. The last thing I want to do is hurt Holly, or get Josh in trouble with his crazy-ass girlfriend. The only thing I want to do is see Holly and maybe talk to her for a minute; make sure she’s doing okay. As I start to walk off, Josh pushes against my shoulder.

  “Hey, you don’t have to leave, man. You are wanted here,” he says. “Just—just lay low and we’ll see what happens, okay?”

  The more I think about it, the worse I feel for getting him in trouble with his girlfriend. I’m about to apologize, but then I realize that I’m not sorry. If lying is what I have to do in order to see Holly and try to talk to her, then I’ll do it again.

  Holly and Jenna have been gone for about ten minutes. I’m sitting on the picnic table talking to Paul and Josh is sitting near the barbeque pit, manning the steaks, when I see Jenna come back outside. She’s alone and heads straight for Josh. I fear that she’s about to slap the shit out of him or something when, instead, she lands on his lap and begins to whisper something in his ear. He smiles, grabs her ass as they start to kiss, and I blow out the large breath I’ve been holding in. Even though I’ve had to endure her coming over and being a bitch to me the last few months, I still don’t want to cause any trouble between the two of them.

  Over the past few months, I witnessed plenty of their make out sessions—among other things—and I know that it will be a while before they come up for air. Pushing myself up off the picnic table, I decide to head up to my room and avoid causing any more trouble. I take the side door, through the garage, to escape Jenna seeing me and tearing my head off. When I open the door and walk in, I’m shocked to see Holly in there. Her eyes are closed and she’s leaning her head back against the wall. I can’t help staring at her for a moment, thinking back to that night when I first saw her—first held her in my arms. The night she cried in them for over an hour.

  That night, it took everything inside me not to cry with her because I felt like it was my fault she was crying in the first place, and because I knew what it felt like to have someone you love stolen from you in the blink of an eye.

  Even though everyone tells me that what happened to Adam that night was an accident, that I did nothing wrong, I still feel guilty as hell for what happened. It was also that night that my worst nightmare was confirmed, that I was a curse and people around me die.

  I’m not sure what to say, so I clear my throat to let her know that I’m there. She flinches and her eyes open. It doesn’t take long for her eyes to find mine and I expect her to say something—to turn and run away—but she doesn’t say a word or move an inch. She just stares at me. I take a couple steps forward, shift my body around the pool table, and then lean back against it, still keeping the distance between us.

  “You don’t like me much, do you?” I ask, looking down towards the concre
te floor. I’m not sure why I chose those specific words to say to her, it’s just the first thing that came to mind. After a few seconds of silence, I glance up, scan her features, and then my eyes drop down to her waist. Her arms are wrapped around her midsection in a tight grip. It’s as if she’s trying to protect herself from me and it’s killing me.

  “I barely know you,” she finally whispers and my eyes are drawn back up to her face. She shakes her head. “I mean, I’ve only met you once and, even then, I don’t think we ever really met.”

  I swallow hard. Since I’m not sure what to say to her in return, I just nod my head. I want to ask her how she’s doing, but it just doesn’t seem appropriate. When I asked her that question at Sterling’s the other night, she looked at me like I was actually causing her physical pain before Jenna pulled her away.

  “Jenna doesn’t like me much, does she?” I ask. Immediately, I feel like an idiot for asking that question, but it’s the only thing I can think to say and the silence between us is beginning to feel like a knife twisting in my gut.

  “I think she likes you.” She shrugs and releases the hold she has around her waist. I can’t ignore the sadness in her eyes. It’s as if she’s holding the pain of the world on her shoulders and, with everything that I have inside me, I want to take the pain away. Just like I wanted to do the night of the accident.

  “Yeah, well, she’s kind of hard to read.” I can’t help smiling at my own understatement. “After her and Josh started dating, she all but threatened to kill me if I came anywhere near you… Actually, I think she did threaten death at one point or another.”

  A tiny laugh escapes her and a smile tugs at her lips. My heart hammers when I hear it and it beats even harder when I see the smile on her face. It feels like my heart is being woken up for the first time in months.

  “Sounds like her. She’s pretty protective.” She clears her throat and the smile disappears from her lips.

  On the inside, I smile again because protective isn’t the word I would’ve used. Something along the lines of crazy or psycho comes to mind. “It’s good, you know, to have friends like that.” She looks up at me and, as hard as I try, I can’t tear my eyes away from her.

  “Yeah, it is,” she agrees.

  The stare we’re holding on each other is interrupted by the door to the house swinging open. My eyes fly towards it and I see Josh standing there, sticking his head through the opening. “Damn, dude. I’ve been looking for you everywhere. There’s a code three on Berthoud Pass, you in?”

  I nod my head a couple times and then my eyes float back over and focus on Holly.

  “Shit,” Josh breathes. “I didn’t see you back there Holly.”

  “It’s okay,” she tells him, but her eyes never leave mine.

  “Um…” Josh hesitates for a second. “You and Jenna are welcome to crash here tonight, but Carter and I gotta run out for a while.”

  I can’t ignore how he doesn’t tell her exactly where we’re going or what we’re doing. I’m sure he’s trying to protect her, but I can see it in her face that she’s not fooled. She knows exactly where we’re heading.

  Finally, she breaks away from my gaze and turns to Josh, smiling, but the smile isn’t real, it’s forced. “Thanks. I’ll talk to Jenna and see what she wants to do.”

  Josh leans back inside the house, blocking Holly’s view of him. He tilts his head, giving me a strange expression before shutting the door, and we’re alone again.

  “It was good to see you, Holly,” I say.

  Her lips stretch out and form a smile, but again, it’s forced. I’ve only been in the company of this girl for a few minutes, yet I can tell the difference between her fake smile and a real one. “You too, Carter; be careful up there.”

  I propel myself off the pool table and head for the door, but stop just a few feet shy of it. A part of me is telling myself to just keep focused—keep walking, go get dressed, and head to the mountain—but there’s another part of me, a large part, that doesn’t want our conversation to end like this. If I’m being honest, I don’t want to leave this room until I see her smile again; a real one that lights up her eyes and breathes some life back into me.

  Without even thinking about it, I turn back around and find her looking right at me. It catches me off guard and, for a second, I lose my train of thought. I shove my hands in my pockets and take a couple steps towards her. “Hey, would you like to have some coffee sometime? With me?” I mumble. Shit, I can’t even believe those words even made it out of my mouth.

  For a moment she just stares at me, but then she finally speaks. “I’m, uh… pretty busy… you know, with school just starting back…” her voice trails off.

  I nod and turn back around, wanting to kick my own ass for even asking her.

  “Hey, Carter,” she calls as I reach for the door. I turn around and find her looking at me again. “Coffee sounds good.” She smiles—a real one this time—and it happens, my heart proves it’s still there; the pain in it lifts just a little.

  ❧

  Josh and I are driving up the mountain road and we haven’t talked much since we got in the car. My mind has been focused on one thing since we left the house—or really—just one person. I can’t stop thinking of the way Holly’s face lit up when she smiled. Not the fake smiles, the real ones that chip away the pain in my chest and allow me to feel free for the first time in months.

  “Dude, where’s your head right now?” Josh asks and my thoughts of Holly fade away. I shove my gear shift down with more force than is needed and glance over in his direction.

  I take a deep breathe in and slowly blow it out. “Nowhere, man.”

  “Well it needs to be focused on what’s about to go on up there. Are you sure you’re ready for this? You don’t have to do this if you’re not ready.”

  My eyes focus back on the road and I grip the steering wheel until my knuckles turn white. I tell myself to calm down, to not let myself get worked up. Not now. “I know, and I’m ready,” I say, relaxing my hands and letting out another large breath.

  “So what were you and Holly talking about in there?” Josh asks. “Jenna would’ve freaked if she knew you were in there with her.”

  “Yeah, I know.” I sigh. “But we were just talking. We weren’t alone very long before you came in.”

  “Sorry, man, I know Jenna can be a little harsh sometimes, but she’s just protective over Holly. You understand, right?”

  “Yeah, I get it.” I tell him and it’s the truth. I get sticking up for your best friend and not wanting them to be hurt more than they have to. I know because the dude sitting beside me has been that kind of friend to me my entire life.

  “I guess Jenna’s not mad at you then?” I ask.

  He laughs. “Nah, she’s good.”

  In my peripheral vision I see him tilt his can of red bull upside down and chug it. When he’s done, he burps, crushes the can in his hand, and throws it on the floor.

  “Dude, pick your shit up.” I shake my head at him.

  “Do you really think one little can is going to mess up this piece of junk car you have any more than it already is?”

  “An ’83 FJ Cruiser is not a piece of junk; it’s a classic,” I correct him.

  He bends down and picks up the can. “Whatever, man.”

  We pull up to the mountain rescue headquarters and, before I shut the car off and jump out, I glance out through my windshield to look up towards the mountain in front of me. There’s a large part of me that is scared out of my mind, scared that maybe I am cursed and bad things will always happen when I’m around. I’m scared that I will have a flashback to the night of the accident, freak out once I get up there, and cause something terrible to happen. There’s another part of me that is desperate to get back up there, knowing that it’s the only way I’m going to get past this.

  HOLLY

  After agreeing to go out for coffee with Carter, I stare at him until he disappears back into the house. When he’s
out of sight, my head falls back against the wall and there’s nothing I can do to stop the memories from coming back at full speed.

  Carter guided me to the chairs a few steps away. I remember not wanting to reach the chairs, knowing that when we got there, he would tell me what I felt like I already knew. A part of me felt thankful that he was holding onto me now because I felt as though my legs were about to give out at any moment.

  Finally, we reached the chairs and he gently guided me down to sit. For a moment he didn’t say anything. He could barely even look me in the eye. It’s as if he knew what he was about to tell me was going to shatter my world into a million different pieces.

  “Holly,” he finally said, his voice was guarded and soft. “Adam was in an accident while we were coming down the mountain and he... he... he didn’t make it.”

  The ringing in my ears began the second he started talking. The pressure on my chest and pain in my heart didn’t start until he actually said those words, though. He didn’t make it. Deep down, I already knew he was gone from the moment I got that phone call. I guess I just didn’t want to believe it. My whole body began to tremble as I looked into Carter’s eyes.

  For a moment, there was nothing except silence and no tears fell from my eyes. Even though I knew what he said, I still didn’t want to believe it. I think I was still in shock. Then, as if a light switch went off in my brain, the tears began to fall and I couldn’t stop them for anything in the world.

  Carter pulled me in his arms and held me. I couldn’t help repeating the words he just told me over in my head. Adam didn’t make it. He was gone. Never coming back. The guy I loved, who I was with just a few hours ago—that was alive and breathing—was gone. How can that be? He was just here. How can he be gone just like that?

  Without warning, anger ripped through me and the reality hit me hard, knowing that I would never see his face again—never see his smile again. I couldn’t control myself as I began to hammer my fists against Carter’s chest while I screamed and cried. There was no control in me. It felt like I was trapped in a horrible nightmare and the harder I punched and the more I cried, the faster I would wake up from this horrible dream. The entire time I was having my meltdown, Carter never said a word. He never asked me to stop punching him or screaming in his ear. He just pulled me closer to him and squeezed me even harder.