Fall From Love

by Heather London

  “Carter, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking,” she says, staring out at the lake, avoiding meeting my eyes. “What happened the other night—the kiss—I think it was a mistake. I miss what we had, I like us being friends. I like hanging out with you. I like talking to you on the phone. I miss it. The past couple of weeks have been miserable and I don’t want it to be like that anymore. I want to go back to the way it was... I want us to go back to being friends.”

  On the inside, I’m screaming. I scream at her to stop. I scream that she doesn’t mean what she’s saying. I scream and tell her how I feel. I scream and tell her that it wasn’t a mistake, that I don’t want us to be friends; that I want more... so much more. None of that ever makes it out of my mouth, though. As I look at her and see the sadness in her eyes, I realize that I’ve done that to her. I’ve made her feel that way. What I’ve been doing the last couple weeks in trying to protect her, protect what we have, it’s clear I’ve done the exact opposite.

  HOLLY

  My eyes focus on the lake and my hands are sitting in my lap. The last minute or so, I’ve refused to look over at Carter, knowing that lying to him will be so much easier if I don’t see his eyes.

  “Don’t you miss us being friends and hanging out?” I ask him, wondering what his face looks like now, but I’m still not strong enough to look at him.

  “Yeah, I really miss it.”

  Again, I’m tempted to look over to see the expression on his face, but I don’t.

  “Me, too,” I whisper.

  As much as my feelings for Carter go way beyond friendship, I will settle for how we are right now because having him in my life is so much better than not. There is no way to know for sure that if we cross that line beyond friendship if it will work out and, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I can’t lose him.

  “So, friends, that’s what you want?” he asks me.

  “Yeah, it’s what I want,” I say, feeling as though my whole heart is collapsing inside me.

  ❧

  I’d like to say that things go back to normal after that day, but they don’t. I’d like to say that Carter and I are able to become friends again, but we can’t. Ever since that morning, after he dropped me back off at my apartment, things have been different between us. Now, more than ever before. I’m not sure what I did so wrong. Okay, that isn’t true. I know that when I told him I just wanted to be friends, it was a lie, but I thought with all my heart that it was the right choice. Turns out, I was wrong about that, too.

  The last few times that Jenna and I have gone over to their place, Carter will make an excuse to leave or say that he has a lot of studying to do up in his room. It doesn’t take long for me to realize that he’s trying to avoid me at all costs and, eventually, I just stop going over there all together. The late night phone calls and texts also stop. It’s like we’ve never been friends at all... and it is killing me.

  A familiar ache in my chest returns and I hate myself for asking him to kiss me. I hate that I even contemplated crossing that line with him. More than I’ve ever wanted anything before, I want him back... I want our friendship.

  The days turn into weeks and, before I know it, finals are here and I’m distracted with studying, as well as test taking, which I’m thankful for.

  “We’re all done, only one more semester to go,” Becca says, smiling and pulling me in for a hug outside the Journalism building. “We survived Dr. Langford’s class, so next semester should be a breeze.”

  “Yeah, I’m not sure I would’ve made it through his class without you, so thank you.” I hug her back.

  “You going home to New York?” she asks me as we walk out to the parking lot.

  “Yeah, I leave tonight, actually.”

  “Me, too. I can’t wait to live in the world of no studying and sleeping in. It’s going to be so great. Well, have a good break.”

  “You, too. I’ll see you in about a month,” I say and we part ways.

  ❧

  We pull up to the departure terminal and Jenna hops out to help me with my bag. I’ve packed two suitcases, which seem like a lot, but I’m planning on being home for almost three weeks.

  “I’m gonna miss you.” Jenna frowns, pulling me in for a hug. “What am I going to do without you?”

  “Enjoy Christmas with your family and spend lots of alone time with Josh.” I say, hoping to brighten her mood.

  I laugh as her expression falls. “It won’t be the same without you, though,” she whines.

  “C’mon we’ve been away from each other before, Jenna.”

  “I know, but not for this long.”

  That is true. The last few years, I’ve only gone home to New York for the week of Christmas. I’ve always been back to celebrate New Year’s in Colorado with Jenna, but this year my mom has talked me into staying in New York a little longer. With how I’ve been ignoring her over the past few months, it’s hard to say no and, actually, I’m looking forward to seeing some old friends and spending some time with my parents.

  Chapter Eighteen

  For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.

  ~ Judy Garland

  HOLLY

  Okay, so I was wrong. Being at home for three weeks isn’t what I thought it was going to be. Since my brother doesn’t make it home from California, it leaves me receiving all the attention from my mom and dad. It isn’t that it is horrible being alone with them, but after a full week with them, I’m beginning to feel suffocated. I’ve hung out with a few of my old friends, but it’s clear that over the years we have all changed and grown apart. I find myself really missing Jenna, my life in Colorado, and most of all... Carter.

  It’s only a few days of being back in New York when I know there is no way I’m going to make it all the way to New Year’s.

  “Are you sure you have to leave? It feels like we just got you back.” My mom frowns at me.

  I pick apart my bacon and throw it back on the plate. “Yeah, like I told you last night, I’d like to get back a little early before school starts again. Just to get back into the routine, you know?” It is a terrible excuse, but she seems to be buying it.

  From the moment I decide that I’m going home early, I can’t stop thinking about Carter and all the things I want to say to him when I see him again. There are so many things we need to talk about, especially what happened to us over the last few weeks. I’m not sure how many times I pick up the phone to call him, only to feel like a pathetic loser when I chicken out at the last second.

  “Have you started to look at jobs yet?” my dad asks, folding the newspaper he is reading and laying it on the table, dissolving my thoughts in the process.

  “Yeah, I’ve looked a little. I’m really trying to focus on spring semester, though. I’ve got a pretty tough schedule coming up.”

  “Well, my offer still stands you now. Just say the word and I’ll call my friend at The New Yorker, I’m sure he can get you in for an interview.”

  The New Yorker should be a dream job for most journalism majors, but not me.

  “I’ll let you know,” I say. What my dad doesn’t know is that there is no part of me that wants to return to New York when I graduate. I’m not sure where I want to go, but it definitely isn’t back here.

  As I’m helping my mom clear the table, I hear my phone chime.

  Jenna: Do you ever wonder how you come from the 2 people that created you? Seriously, I’m really curious sometimes.

  Me: LOL. All the time! BTW, coming home early... maybe in a couple days.

  Jenna: Really?! So ur gonna be here 4 NYE??!!

  Me: Yeah, looks like it.

  Jenna: Perfect! OMG! This is going to be so great!

  Me: See you soon. :)

  Two days later, I’m on a flight back to Colorado. Jenna picks me up from the airport and I can’t help noticing her strange behavior the entire way home. The first few minutes we fill each other in on our Christmas�
��s away at home, but when I try to ask her what else she has been up to and how Josh is doing, she seemingly doesn’t want to talk about it.

  “Spill it, Jenna,” I say, throwing my suitcases and purse down on the living room floor.

  “What are you talking about?” she asks. For a minute, her innocent expression almost works, but I know better. It’s clear that she wants to tell me something, but she doesn’t know if she should or not.

  “Damn, nothing gets past you, does it?”

  “Nope. What is it?” I ask, crossing my arms over my chest.

  “I can’t say. I’m sworn to secrecy.”

  As I stand there, I roll my eyes and try to read her features. Oh yeah, she’ll be easy to break.

  “Who has sworn you to secrecy?” I ask, deciding to play along with the game I know she wants to play. She tries to avoid me by going into her room, but I follow her, determined to find out what she’s hiding.

  “Josh,” she says finally, turning on the lamp on her nightstand. I bite the inside of my cheek, trying not to smile, knowing that I didn’t even have to persuade her. Oh, this is going to be so easy.

  “Stop looking at me like that.” She laughs. “You’re beginning to creep me out. It’s like you’re trying to scan my brain or something.”

  “We know how this is gonna end. You may as well just tell me.” I smile.

  “Hello. What part about I’ve been sworn to secrecy do you not understand?”

  “You’re right. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pressure you. It’s been a long day, I’m just gonna go unpack.” Turning around, I head for the door.

  “Fine, I’ll tell you. I wasn’t going to, but I know you’ll just bug me all night if I don’t. ”

  I try to hide my smile before I turn around to face her again.

  She sits on the end of her bed and leans back on her hands. “Carter’s miserable, Holly. Josh said that he’s been a wreck ever since Thanksgiving. Over Christmas break, he hardly left his house and barely talked with anyone. We’re starting to get worried about him.”

  My heart squeezes. “I had no idea,” I say, shaking my head.

  “Yeah, I assumed you didn’t. I’m not sure what’s going on, but maybe you should see if you can get through to him. I know things have been weird between you two the last few weeks, but he needs someone, even if it’s just a friend.”

  I nod. “Yeah, I’ll call him.”

  “What about going to see him?” she asks.

  “Yeah, maybe I will,” I say, turning around and heading towards my bedroom, wanting to be alone after what she just told me.

  She sighs loudly and calls out to me, “Holly.”

  Turning around, I face her again.

  “Now. I’m talking about going to see him right now.”

  ❧

  I feel weird for even asking and it really shouldn’t matter, but it’s been bugging me. “Hey, Jenna.”

  “Yeah,” she says, applying a second coat of mascara.

  “Does Carter know I’m back in town?”

  Her mascara wand stops mid-stroke and she glances across the mirror at me. “No, I don’t think so, I didn’t even tell Josh you were back.”

  I nod my head as a river of nerves flow through me. Then panic and fear hit me at once… what if he doesn’t want to see or talk to me? What if he hasn’t missed me as much as I missed him?

  CARTER

  I’m sitting in the living room all by myself and feeling like a miserable son of a bitch. Maybe that’s because I am. I’m a drunk, miserable, son of a bitch.

  I‘ve come to the realization that New Year’s Eve is a dumb holiday to celebrate. In my opinion, it’s really just an excuse for people to get together and get drunk. We don’t have a large celebration for every day that the sun rises, when a new week begins, or when we flip the calendar over each month. So why such a big celebration for a new year?

  I realize that the alcohol is causing random thoughts to enter my head and I’m quickly reminded of why I don’t drink too much anymore. Beside all the randomness, it just causes me to remember all the people that have vanished from my life, bringing all of the depressing thoughts I’ve been trying to bury back to the surface.

  I take another sip of beer and then glance down at the bottle, remembering the day I first held one of these in my hands. The day my older brother turned twenty-one, the day before he was sent off to Afghanistan, the same day he gave me my first beer. I was only sixteen at the time and I thought it was a pretty cool moment to share with my older brother… especially the night before he left for war. I’d like to look back on that night and remember it for the great day it was, but I can’t, because it was the last time I ever saw him alive. So now, every time I think about it, I think about how he’s not here anymore.

  The day we buried him in the ground, my dad and I shared a six pack of beer. I remember being nervous when he met me out on the front porch and handed me a bottle. I thought maybe he was testing me to see if I would take it.

  “Just this once,” he said, grinning at me. “And let’s not tell your mom about this, okay?”

  We sat there and drank the entire six pack; sharing memories as well as talking about all the things we loved and would miss about Brandon. It was one of my favorite memories of me and my old man together, but I still don’t like thinking about it now because it just reminds me that he’s gone, too.

  “Hey, man,” Josh says, thumping me on the head as he walks by. “Jenna’s coming over in a little while. I think we’re just going to hang out and play some pool if you want to join us.”

  I’m surprised he hasn’t said anything to me about my drinking, but then again, he hasn’t said a word all night. He’s been trying really hard lately to get me to talk and open up, but I’ve done a good job of shutting him out.

  “I don’t know if I’ll be up for it, but thanks for the offer,” I say, taking another sip of beer.

  “C’mon, man, don’t do this to yourself.” He sighs, facing me. “It’s New Year’s Eve. I’ve never been one to celebrate this stupid holiday, but it’s better than sitting here and feeling sorry for yourself all night.”

  “I’m not—whatever, man.” I stop before I get myself caught in a lie, knowing he’ll call me out on it.

  “Okay, well, the offer still stands if you change your mind.”

  He takes off, running upstairs. I stay on the couch, prepared to get back to my depressing thoughts when I hear a car door slam and then another. Leaning forward, I put my beer down on the coffee table, turn around, and pull down the blinds to look out the window.

  My chest feels like a sledgehammer hit it and I can’t believe what I’m seeing. Opening my eyes wide, I take another look and see Jenna walking up the driveway with Holly. Jenna interlocks her arm through Holly’s and they’re laughing about something. My mind still doesn’t let me believe it’s true. Closing my eyes, I’m convinced that I’m just hallucinating, but even then, I still try to burn the image of seeing her smile into my brain. I’ve been missing it so much over the last couple weeks, but I never realized just how much, until now.

  My drunken mind is slowing down my thought process and I don’t realize that this is actually real for a few seconds. Damn! I haven’t seen her in almost two weeks and the first time she’ll see me, I’m going to be shit-faced drunk? I’m off the couch and running up the stairs when I collide with Josh on his way down.

  “What the hell, man? Where’s the fire?”

  “Why didn’t you tell me that Holly was coming over tonight!?” I blurt out.

  “What? I had no idea. She’s here?”

  “Yeah, her and Jenna just showed up.” Just then I hear the front door open.

  “What’s the problem?” Josh says, keeping his voice low. “You’ve wanted to see her, right?”

  “Josh? Carter?” Jenna yells from downstairs.

  “Yeah, babe, I’ll be right down,” Josh yells back.

  “I’m drunk, man. I don’t want her to see me like this
,” I grit through my teeth, trying to keep my voice down. As much as I don’t want her to see me like this, it hurts to know that she’s down there right now and I’m not in the same room with her.

  “Go take a long, cold shower and try to sober the fuck up. I’ll keep the girls entertained,” Josh says, poking me in the chest and then jogs down the stairs.

  HOLLY

  Jenna and I walk into the house and it seems like no one is home by how quiet it is. Out of nowhere Josh comes running down the stairs with a big smile on his face. I swear, I don’t think I’ve ever seen that guy without a smile on his face. He is always happy. It could be that I’ve only seen him with Jenna around and she’s the one putting that smile on his face. They embrace for a short moment and then Josh turns to me.

  “Hey, Holly,” he says. “I wasn’t expecting you. Jenna said you weren’t gonna be here for New Year’s.”

  “Yeah, I came back early. I hope I’m not crashing your night.”

  “No, no. Of course not. Carter’s just getting ready,” he says, nodding his head towards the stairs. “He should be down soon.”

  “Sweet, tonight may not be a total bust after all.” Jenna smiles. “I was telling Holly on the way over how I kicked your ass in pool this past week. Maybe tonight we can play teams... maybe even a little boy versus girl action.” Jenna raises her eyebrows, looking between us.

  “Care to make it interesting?” Josh challenges.

  “What did you have in mind?” she asks, smiling impishly. I’m not sure why, but I really don’t like where this conversation is going.