by Beth Ehemann
I blinked several times, trying to get my eyes to adjust after being startled awake. “What’s wrong, buddy?”
“Come with me.” He tugged on my arm and tried to pull me to a sitting position.
“Come with you? Where?” I glanced at my phone. “Matthew! It’s not even six o’clock yet.”
“To the window!” he said excitedly, ignoring my complaint.
While I climbed out of bed slowly, he bounced around in front of me, clapping his hands. I reached out and took his hands in mine. “No clapping. If Maura wakes up, I’ll cry. Okay?”
He gave me a huge grin and nodded as he dragged me to the window and pulled back the curtain. “Look!” he exclaimed.
“Whoa,” I said in a whisper as my eyebrows shot up and I leaned toward the glass. We’d had an unusually mild November and I knew the winter weather would be coming eventually, but apparently I’d missed the memo. A fresh blanket of snow covered the whole world outside my window. It was calm and glistening and absolutely beautiful. I’d always loved the way the snow looked first thing in the morning before the cars started driving over it and people walked through it.
“Can we go play in it?” Matthew asked.
“We can . . . in a little while. It’s still early.” I cupped his head and pulled him against me. “Hey, I have an idea.”
He pulled back and looked up at me with big blue eyes that had the power to get anything they wanted out of me.
“How about we snuggle in my bed until Maura wakes up, then we’ll have pancakes, then we’ll play in the snow?”
He knitted his brows together. “But momma, Viper makes the pancakes.”
“I know he does, honey, but he’s not here. I’ll make them for you.”
“When’s Viper coming home? He’s been gone forever.” He walked over and climbed up onto my bed, flopping down dramatically on the pillow.
Oh God. What do I say?
I took a deep breath and lay on the bed next to him. “Sweetheart, I don’t know what’s going to happen with Viper. He’s going through some really hard grown-up things right now.”
His eyes searched my face. “What are grown-up things?”
“It’s hard to explain . . . just stuff that adults have to deal with sometimes. I don’t want you to worry about that though, okay? You just keep being the great kid that you are and everything will be fine.” I leaned forward and gently kissed his forehead, letting my lips linger for a second.
His eyes fluttered open as I pulled back and I knew that he was tired. I ran my finger back and forth along both of his eyebrows and swirled it across his forehead. Within a couple of minutes, his breathing evened out and he was sound asleep. I kissed his soft cheek a couple times and nuzzled into him until our foreheads touched. Then Iwent back to sleep.
After I made mediocre pancakes, and Matthew complained that he wanted Viper’s again, I bundled the kids up and we headed outside. My energy level was still pretty wiped out, but thankfully Matthew and Maura were content making snow angels and throwing the snow up in the air while I sat on the big bench on my porch.
My cell phone rang from somewhere deep in my jacket pocket. It was Kacie.
“Hey!” I answered cheerfully.
“Hey yourself! How are ya?”
“I’m good. Well, at the moment I’m sitting outside while the kids play, trying not to freeze to death, but other than that I’m good. How about you?”
“Ugh. I’m good. It’s been one of those days though. Is it frowned upon to have wine at ten o’clock in the morning?”
I laughed out loud. “What happened?”
“What didn’t happen? Piper took one of Lucy’s shirts and tried to wear it to school, so I had them screaming at each other. Then Emma dumped her plate full of French toast and syrup on Diesel’s back.” She paused and let out a heavy sigh. “I’m just waiting for Grace’s head to spin in a circle or something.”
“Holy crap. Syrup on the dog? I would have given up right there.”
“Right? I was tempted. Anyway, how was your Thanksgiving? I wish you would’ve come over and spent it with us.”
“I know you do, and I love you for asking, but it actually turned out really nice. My neighbor ended up coming over and brought this whole feast with him.”
“Him?” Her tone raised in curiosity. “I thought we were talking about Jodi, but I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have a penis.”
“No,” I said through a small giggle. “Remember I mentioned Joel before? The one with the son who moved in across the street?”
“Yeah?”
“Well, it was just him and Gavin for Thanksgiving, so we decided we might as well spend it together. I was planning on making grilled cheese, but he showed up with this huge Thanksgiving feast in a box. It was amazing.”
“Wow!” Kacie said incredulously. “That’s awesome. So . . . what’s the deal with this guy?”
I shrugged even though she couldn’t see me. “He’s just a neighbor. Nice guy.”
“Michelle. It’s me. Don’t lie.”
“I’m not lying!” I defended with a laugh. “I swear.”
“Is he cute?”
“I don’t know. Sure.”
The line was silent.
“Hello?” I asked slowly.
“I’m here. Just waiting for you to tell the truth.”
“You’re such a brat,” I grumbled. “Yes, he’s good-looking. Tall, broad shoulders, really dark hair, the craziest light blue eyes you’ve ever seen.”
“Hmm . . . interesting. Any feelings?”
“Feelings? I have nothing but feelings, Kacie. I’m heartbroken, I’m furious, I’m confused, I’m lonely. I have feelings coming out of every pore in my body, but none of those are for Joel. Tiny butterflies, maybe, but all of my feelings are stuck on someone else right now. And all of these hormones raging through my body aren’t helping.” I took a deep breath and stared at my babies running happily around the front yard as they threw snow at each other.
“I’m so sorry, Michelle,” Kacie said sadly. “I’m so fucking mad at him. I swear if I ever see him again, I might just kill him.”
“I might be okay with that.” I laughed. “All right, I’m gonna run and try and get these kids in the house. I’m not feeling so hot and I want to lie down.”
“What’s going on?” Her voice turned concerned.
“Nothing. I think I’m just dehydrated. I didn’t drink a lot yesterday, and now today I’ve been a little crampy.”
Kacie let out a heavy sigh. “Listen, I want you to call your doctor if anything doesn’t feel right, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Promise me,” she demanded.
“I promise,” I agreed.
“And if you call them and they want you to come in, you call me. Got it?”
“Yes, Mom,” I joked.
“I can’t help it. It’s the nurse in me.”
“Yeah, yeah. I love you for it. I’ll check in with you later, okay?”
“You won’t have a choice.” She laughed.
We got off the phone and I called Matthew and Maura into the house. They whined at first, but I promised hot chocolate with extra marshmallows and they came running.
A couple hours later, after a nap with the kids, my hands shook as I called Kacie back. “Hey, uh . . . can you come over? I’m gonna head in to the doctor.”
“Yes! Of course. What happened?” Her words were rigid and nervous.
“I took a nap with the kids and when I woke up and went to the bathroom, there was a little blood.”
“Oh, shit,” she mumbled under her breath. “Yes, I’m on the way. Be there in a while.”
Thankfully Taylor had the night off and rushed over to sit with the kids when I’d called.
“Keep me posted, okay?” She gave me a quick hug as I slipped my feet into my boots.
“I will. Thanks, Tay.” I squeezed her hand and was out the door.
On the way to my doctor’s office, I could tell Kacie wa
s trying to keep my mind busy by talking about everything she could think of, but I barely listened as I stared out the window. If something was wrong, I had no idea how I would feel. Devastated about the baby, but that was a given. I would also never, ever be able to look at Viper again. Ever.
When we got to the doctor’s office and checked in, I didn’t even have time to sit. A nurse took me right into the ultrasound room and had me hop up on the table.
“Do I need to take my pants off?” I asked.
“Uh . . .” She looked down at my chart. “Nope. You’re fourteen weeks, so they won’t be doing an internal ultrasound at this point. Everything will be outside. She’ll be in shortly.” She flashed me a quick smile and closed the door behind her.
Kacie sat on the chair in the opposite corner of the room, her legs bouncing up and down.
“Knock it off,” I said as I lay back on the table. “You’re making my nervousness nervous.”
Her face fell. “Sorry, I’m just so—”
The door opened and in walked Sandy, the tech who had done most of my ultrasounds.
“Hey, honey!” she said cheerfully, squeezing my arm as she walked around me to her machine.
I wasn’t so upbeat. “Hey.”
“Okay, I know you must be a wreck, so let’s skip the small talk and see what you have going on.”
I nodded and turned my head to the TV hanging on the wall, praying that I would see a little blinking white light any second. Sandy spread warm jelly on my stomach and put the wand on top of it. She moved it just a couple of times, and there it was in plain view: a cloudy little figure with two arms, two legs, a big round belly . . . and a blinking heart. Relief washed over me and my eyes teared up.
“There it is,” Sandy said, sounding almost as relieved as I felt.
“And everything’s okay?” My voice cracked.
“Baby looks great so far. I’m going to take a bunch of pictures and see if I can find out what’s going on, so if you hear me snapping away, don’t get nervous, okay? It’s just me being thorough for the doctor.”
I nodded as a tear dripped from the corner of my left eye. Kacie stood and walked over behind me a little bit, taking my hand in hers.
Sandy clicked several pictures and then froze in one spot. “Hmmm,” she hummed.
My head whipped around to her. “What? Is something wrong?”
“Wrong? No. But I know what you’re having,” she said as a big smile spread across her face. “Do you want to know?”
“Yes!” Kacie blurted out before I could answer.
“Wait. I don’t know. Do I?” I looked over at Kacie. “He’s not here. Should I wait and see if he wants to find out, too?”
Kacie cocked her hip to the side and crossed her arms over her chest. “You want me to answer that honestly, because there will be a lot of four-letter words involved.”
“You’re right. Don’t answer that.” I turned back to Sandy. “Spill it.”
“Well,”—she grinned and shook her head as she stared down at her screen—“look up there and you can probably see it for yourself.”
I looked back at the TV.
“Let’s just say your baby isn’t very shy and is opening nice and wide for us.” Sandy let out a quick laugh. “See that little bulge right in the middle there? It’s a boy!”
My eyes welled up again as I squeezed Kacie’s hand hard. “Are you sure?”
“Yep. If it were a girl there would be three little lines. Definitely a boy . . . and from what I can tell he likes to show it off.”
“Like father, like son.” I laughed. In the back of my mind, a pang of sadness reared its ugly head. I had no idea how or when to tell Viper this news, nor did I know how he would react to it, but I chose to put that sadness in a box for later and just be ecstatic about my son. My son.
As it turned out, I had a small bleed—a subchorionic hematoma—that the doctors would have to keep a close eye on, but they reassured me that it typically fixes itself and told me just to take it easy for a couple of weeks. I was on cloud nine as we left the office and walked back to the car, unable to take the smile off my face.
Kacie stared down at the ultrasound pictures she was carrying, the extra set she’d asked Sandy to print for her.
“I can’t believe you did that.” I nudged her. “What are you going to do with ultrasound pictures of my baby, anyway?”
“Who knows?” She shrugged. “I might wait until bedtime and casually hand them to Brody. He’ll probably crap his pants, but it would make me laugh, so it’s all worth it in the end, right?”
“If you do that, you better video it and send it to me.” I laughed as I shook my head. “Seriously though, thank you for coming with me today. I was really scared.”
“I know you were,” Kacie said sincerely. “I was, too. I’m so happy he’s fine.”
I exhaled loudly. “Me, too. And I can’t believe we found out so early!”
“I know!” she exclaimed. “Now Auntie Kacie can start shopping!”
A couple days after the game, I was still high on adrenaline. I’d gone to two more home games, but that part was about to end because the Wild was heading out of town for a road trip . . . which might have been a blessing after all. Coach Collins asked if I wanted to go with, but I told him no. There were things at home I needed to deal with, and I knew I needed to deal with them, I just needed to figure out how.
In the afternoon, I headed off to therapy with a lot on my mind, hoping that Sherman would kick my ass and make me sweat it all out.
Sherman was leaning against the front counter when I walked in.
I froze in the doorway. “Are you kidding me with that?”
“With what?” He raised his hand defensively.
My eyes traveled up and down his outfit. He had on bright blue shorts, yellow socks that went up to his calves, a SpongeBob T-shirt and heart-shaped sunglasses that sat on top of his head. “That!”
He looked down at himself and back up at me. “You don’t like my outfit?”
“Is that what we’re calling it?” I answered with a laugh.
“You’re just jealous that you can’t pull something like this off. Now, shut up and get your ass on the bike!” He pointed.
I went over and did my ten minutes, just like I had done at the beginning of every therapy session for the last six weeks. My time on the bike had become both a blessing and a curse. I was forced to sit in one spot with no distractions. If Sherman saw me on my phone, he’d walk over and take it away, so I didn’t even bother pulling it out anymore. I sat on the uncomfortable bike seat and rode while I stared out the window and took stock of my life, or what was left of it.
“What’s your deal today, grumpy pants?” Sherman asked, interrupting my thoughts.
I turned toward him. “Grumpy pants? Who says I’m grumpy?”
He arched one eyebrow at me. “With you . . . it’s obvious.”
I rolled my eyes and hopped off the bike. “I’m fine. Come on, kick my ass today.”
“Gladly,” he mumbled and walked with me to the mat in the corner.
My face flushed and sweat beaded on my forehead as I worked my way through leg presses and lateral lunges.
“Let’s head over to the stair machine for a bit,” Sherman said once my sets were done.
“The stair machine? Really?” I complained.
He took my hand and pulled me up from the floor before he turned me and gave me a gentle shove toward the stair machine. “Quit your bitching and move it.”
The stair machine kicked my ass. Within three minutes the sweat that had previously been on my forehead was now dripping onto my T-shirt and I was panting like a fool.
I watched in the mirror as Sherman took the hands of Emily, one of the other therapists, and danced around the room to Stevie Wonder. He spun and twirled her as she threw her head back, laughing wildly.
After a few minutes, he huffed and puffed his way back over to me. “How’s it going?” he asked breathlessl
y as he looked at my screen.
“Sherman.” I shook my head slowly. “What is your deal?”
He tilted his head to the side. “My deal?”
“Yeah. The crazy outfits . . . your ridiculously happy mood all the time . . . what’s your deal?”
He stared at my reflection in the mirror and took a deep breath. His voice lowered. “I wasn’t always a happy man, Viper. I was actually a very miserable man for over half of my life.”
I frowned back at him. “You? Miserable? I don’t buy it.”
He pressed his lips together and nodded, his face serious. “It’s true. Very true. Here, come with me.” Reaching across me, he stopped the stair machine and nodded his head toward the e-stim table.
“We’re done already?” I asked as I hopped up.
“You asked a question, and now I’m gonna answer it.” He put the sticky things on my knee, connected the wires, wrapped me in ice, and turned it on. “So. I was married right outta high school.”
I lifted my head and looked at him incredulously. “To a woman?”
“Shut up and lie down.” He pushed my forehead down until I was lying flat against the table again. “Yes, to a woman! Anyway, we married young and I went off to work. That’s what I was supposed to do, take care of her and our two kids.”
“You have kids?”
He sighed and put his hands on his hips. “Did you go to kindergarten?”
“Kindergarten? Yeah.”
“Were you absent the day they taught kids that it isn’t polite to interrupt? Hush!”
I rolled my eyes and shut my mouth.
“So I went off to work, but I was resentful. Angry. I wasn’t even ready to be a husband, but before I knew it, I was also a father. So I started drinking . . . a lot. The more I drank, the more I retreated from real life. Eventually I started missing work, and then I lost my job. She took the kids and went to live with her parents while I rotted in our house until the bank eventually took it.”
My heart sank. I wanted to tell him to stop talking but my mouth wouldn’t open. I needed to hear the rest.
“She divorced me and I couch surfed at friends’ houses for several more months. One day, I woke up and decided that I was done. I was lonely and missed my family, so I went to get them back.” He paused and stared down at the table, pulling his brows down low. “But I was too late . . . she’d already moved on. I went to see her and she had a new ring on her finger. My daughters looked at me like I was a stranger, and my wife looked at me with hate in her eyes. I walked away from that house and never went back.”
