by Beth Ehemann
“Never?”
He shook his head. “I went back to school and got my dream job, and eventually I started smiling again. Then I smiled a little more, then a little more. But it took a long time. And now, I wake up every day and decide to be happy.”
“What about the days you feel like shit and just don’t care?”
“Those are the days I pick out the wackiest outfits,” he said with a wink. “Because everyone around me laughs, and ultimately, that lifts my mood.” I was so invested in his story, I’d forgotten all about my knee. He lifted the ice and started peeling the tabs off. “Okay. You know my story, now tell me yours.”
I wasn’t as open as Sherman, but after all that, I couldn’t not tell him anything. “There’s a girl in my life, and we’re having some problems. I’m kinda shutting her out at the moment because I don’t know how to handle my problems.”
He stood up and crossed his arms. “Is she worth fighting for?”
I didn’t even have to think about that answer. “Yes.”
He raised his eyebrows quickly. “Then you better fight fast. Or else one day, you’ll go back and some other man will be holding your girl’s hand and carrying your kids through the park.”
I had no idea I could learn so much from a man who wore heart-shaped sunglasses.
After therapy, I drove straight to Brody’s. I didn’t care that it was almost dinnertime and I might be interrupting. I needed to talk to him.
Brody and I had never gone two days without talking, let alone more than two weeks. I took a deep breath and climbed the front steps of his porch.
As soon as I rang the bell, I heard kids squealing and screaming as they sprinted toward the front door. “Quiet down or I’m giving you to whoever is on the other side!” Brody hollered. He pulled the door open and stared at me. “Never mind.”
I let out a nervous laugh. “Probably not a good idea to give them to me, huh?”
“What are you doing here?” he asked with a stone face.
“You got a minute? I want to talk to you.”
“Uh . . .” His eyes darted around. “Yeah. Kacie’s actually out with some friends. Come on in.” He pushed the door open and let me in.
I carefully stepped over dolls and books and princess crowns as I followed him through the house. “Whoa. What happened in here?” I surveyed the disaster in his normally spotless kitchen.
“Dinner happened.” Brody ran a hand through his hair. He walked to the pantry and pulled a garbage bag out, quickly filling it with paper plates and crumpled napkins. “So what’s up?”
I pulled out a stool and sat down at the island. “I know you’re going out on the road again tomorrow, and I just wanted to talk to you before you left again.”
“Okay.”
“I feel bad about our conversation at my house. I know you were trying to help and I was a dick about it.”
Brody nodded. “You were definitely a dick.”
“Yeah. So I just wanted to apologize.” I looked down at the island and pulled a bunch of crumbs into a small pile.
He leaned against the counter and crossed his arms over his chest. “I appreciate your apology, but I don’t really need it. I’m just worried about you.”
“I know.” I nodded. “I’ve been a little out of it.”
“A little?”
I shrugged. “A lot.”
“And now?”
“Better . . . I think. Being at the games helped.”
He tilted his head to the side and narrowed his eyes. “Why did that help?”
I dropped my eyes to the island again. Talking about my feelings with anyone wasn’t easy for me, and holding eye contact while talking about my feelings was impossible. “I felt like I was still part of the team. It made me feel important again.”
“Is that what you’ve been thinking this whole time?” His voice raised in surprise. “That you weren’t part of the team?”
I shrugged again. “It wasn’t just that. I don’t know. I felt . . . lost.”
“Lost?”
“Yeah. Hockey is my life, Brody. That’s all I have. If I don’t play hockey, I don’t know who I am.”
“Viper, hockey is a part of your life. A small part, and that’s it.” He shook his head vehemently. “That’s what you don’t get. You have Michelle and Matthew and Maura.”
I scoffed at his response. “I did have them. I royally fucked that whole thing up, too.”
“You absolutely fucked that up . . . royally,” he agreed.
“I don’t even know where to begin trying to fix it.”
“Well, here’s my question. And for once, just answer me honestly. Don’t dick me around.” He walked over and leaned on the island across from me, staring me straight in the eye. “Do you want to fix it? And I mean that. Do you want to be there with her and the kids . . . and the new baby?”
I stood up from the stool and paced the room. “Yes. No. I don’t know.”
“Bro, you have to figure that part out first. What’s your holdup? Is it Michelle?”
“No.”
“The kids?”
“No. I love those kids. I miss them like crazy.”
“The baby?”
I stopped pacing and glance back at him. “Maybe?”
“Okay. Why does that freak out you?”
“Are you kidding?” I threw my hands up. “Look at me. I’m a fucking mess. I can’t even handle myself. How the hell am I supposed to be a father? What am I gonna teach this kid . . . do everything the exact opposite of the way I do it?”
“Viper.” Brody straightened and put his hands on his hips, looking me square in the eye. “You already are a father. Don’t you see that? Everything you’ve been doing with the kids for a year now . . . You’ve cleaned up barf, you’ve put Band-Aids on skinned knees, you’ve read bedtime stories. That’s all being a dad. You’re already doing it, and you’re amazing at it.”
I stared at him but didn’t respond.
“Listen,” he continued, “you seem to have this victim mentality right now that you need to get rid of. You feel like everything is happening to you, but have you taken the time to look at the bigger picture?”
I shook my head.
“Fate doesn’t ask permission and it doesn’t give warnings,” he said. “I know that sounds cheesy, but it’s true. Maybe you’re meant to have this baby. Maybe it’s going to be the best thing that ever happened to you. When I met Kacie, I had no idea she would lead me to all this.” He held his hands out wide. “And I wouldn’t trade it for the world.”
A big thud from above our head, followed by a loud cry, made Brody take a deep breath and exhale through his nose. “A little bit of peace and quiet maybe, but not the world. I’ll be right back.”
His words bounced around in my head as he ran upstairs to check on the girls. I walked over and sat down at the kitchen table, trying to soak everything in and think about it one step at a time. Brody had been one of my best friends since he joined the team, but he was more than a friend. We were each other’s brother. We’d been through just about everything together, and I respected him more than almost anyone else on the planet. For him to tell me I was already an amazing dad really hit home.
Brody was back within a couple minutes. Just as he crossed into the kitchen, I heard the front door close. He turned back and looked toward it. “What are you doing home already?”
I couldn’t make out what she said, but I could tell by the voice he was talking to Kacie.
Brody walked farther into the kitchen, staring at me with wide eyes. “Play dead,” he mumbled.
I frowned at him. “Huh?”
Kacie was saying something about cars as she walked into the room and froze when she saw me. Her eyes narrowed. “What are you doing here?”
Play dead. I get it now. Too late.
Kacie was five foot nothing and about as threatening as a ladybug, but the look in her eyes made my stomach drop.
“I just came by to talk to Brody,”
I answered.
“Oh, you wanna talk? Good, ’cause I wanna talk, too.” She marched over and slammed her purse down on the table before plopping down on the chair next to me.
“Babe, are you drunk?” Brody asked.
“Shush,” she snapped at him before turning back to me. “You’re a piece of shit, you know that?”
Brody sighed and rolled his eyes. “Definitely drunk.”
“What makes you think you can just up and leave and not call her for this long?”
I looked to Brody for help, but he just shrugged.
“It wasn’t intentional,” I said.
“Oh.” She nodded and tilted her head to the side. “It was accidental? What, did you just forget her phone number and address? I hate when that happens.” Her tone was sarcastic and condescending, and I deserved every bit of it.
“I know you’re mad at me—”
“I’m not mad at you,” she interrupted. “I actually want to thank you.”
“Thank me?” I said skeptically.
“Yeah, for showing her what a true asshole you are now instead of five years from now,” she snarled coldly. “But don’t worry about her. She doesn’t need you anymore.”
I dropped my eyes to the table and didn’t respond. Everything she said was true and I deserved to hear it.
“I’ve been taking care of her. Joel’s been taking care of her. You’re not needed anymore,” she said one more time.
“Kacie, that’s enough,” Brody warned, taking a couple steps toward the table.
“Joel?” I kept my head down toward the table but peered up at her.
“Yeah. The neighbor across the street. He’s shoveled her driveway, taken Matthew when she needed a break. They even spent Thanksgiving together.”
My stomach rolled and I thought I might puke. I licked my lips and tried to take a slow, steady breath in through my nose.
“Some other man will be holding your girl’s hand and carrying your kids through the park . . .” Sherman’s words from earlier that day suddenly had a very different meaning.
“Do you know where I was yesterday?” Kacie came back again.
I shook my head.
Kacie raised one eyebrow. “I was at the doctor, with her. She was bleeding, so they told her to come in.”
I had many emotions running throughout my whole body, but when Kacie said that Michelle had been bleeding, ice ran through my veins and froze out everything else. “Is she okay?”
“Yep, she’s fine . . . thank God.” Kacie opened her purse and slid a black and white picture across the table so angrily it bounced off my chest. “So is your son.”
Brody marched over to the table. “Okay, that’s enough. You clearly need to go up to bed and sleep this off.” He gently took Kacie by the arm and lifted her.
“I’m not going to bed, it’s not even eight o’clock yet,” she argued.
“I know, but let’s just close our eyes and sleep all this anger off, okay?” Brody said. “I’ll be back, Viper.”
I heard their muffled voices arguing all the way up the stairs, but I didn’t give two shits what they were saying. I stared down at the grainy black and white photo of a silhouette . . . of my son. My son. My hand shook as I brought the picture closer to my face, desperately wanting to see it better. Suddenly, in that moment, sitting at Brody and Kacie’s kitchen table . . . I was furious.
Furious at myself for acting like a selfish prick after I’d gotten hurt.
Furious at myself for blowing up at Michelle when I’d found out she was pregnant.
Furious at myself for not telling her about Kat.
Furious at myself for not calling her sooner.
Furious at myself for not going up to her door Thanksgiving morning.
Furious at myself for not being there when she’d been bleeding and scared.
But most of all, furious at myself for not being in that room with her when she’d heard the news that we were having a son.
I stared down at that picture of my son. “I’m so sorry,” I said as my eyes stung. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for your mom and your brother and sister. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you.” I blinked back a tear, got up, and left Brody’s house without saying a word . . . and I took the picture of my son with me.
“But, Momma, I don’t understand. We just had turkey and now we’re singing Christmas songs,” Matthew complained as I stuck the comb under water and brushed it through his hair, trying to calm his crazy bedhead.
“I know, buddy. It’s hard to explain. Your school goes on break for a month, so they have to have your show kinda early, but Christmas still isn’t for a couple of weeks. And they’re holiday songs, not Christmas songs, remember?” I kissed the side of his head as I took him off the counter and set him on the floor. “Go find somewhere to sit completely still, please. I’ll be ready in just a minute.”
I threw on my stretchy jeans, boots, and oversized red sweater and looked at myself in the mirror. “How is it that my belly seems to have doubled in size overnight?” I said out loud with a sigh.
“Your tummy is big, Momma!”
I jumped and turned around. Matthew stood in the doorway with a big smile on his face. “You scared me, you little monster!” I reached out and pulled him to my side.
He raised his hand and set it on my stomach. “What’s in there anyway?”
Matthew was a smart kid. He’d asked a couple of times about my growing tummy and I’d been able to change the subject and avoid his answer, but with Maura down for her morning nap and him and I alone, it just felt like the right time.
“Come with me, honey.” I took his hand and we walked out to my room. I sat on the chair in the corner and pulled him onto my lap. “Okay, you wanna know why mommy’s tummy is getting big?”
He looked up at me and nodded.
“It’s because there’s a baby growing in there.”
His eyes bulged and he leaned back and stared down at my stomach. “There is?”
“Mmhmm.” I nodded. “And do you know what else? That baby is a little boy. You’re going to have a baby brother.”
He let out a tiny gasp. “I was gonna ask Santa for a brother!”
My heart overflowed. I knew that he’d probably just made that up, but I didn’t even care. “You were?”
He nodded. “When does he come out?”
“Not for a while yet. He’s gotta grow big and healthy first.”
“Okay,” he said, sounding a little sad.
“I know it’s hard to wait, but it’ll be worth it. I promise. Now, go sit and wait for me. I just have to brush my teeth, grab Maura, and we’ll leave for your party.”
He hopped off my lap and headed toward the door as I walked to the bathroom.
“Hey, Momma?” he called back.
“Yes, buddy?” I stopped in the bathroom doorway and leaned back.
“How did that baby get in your tummy?”
“Uh . . .” I stammered. “You know what? I’m worried that we’re gonna be late, so let’s talk about that part later, okay?”
“Okay.” He turned and walked down the hall, and I breathed a sigh of relief.
His classroom was decorated so perfectly with blue, glittery snowflakes hanging from the ceiling and construction paper mittens taped to the walls.
Miss Lori, Matthew’s teacher, asked all the parents to sit in the chairs and face the small riser that was along the far wall. I sat in the front row, down at the end, just in case I needed to get up and deal with an unpredictable toddler.
As the parents took their seats, Miss Lori took her spot at the piano. Matthew and all of his classmates giggled nervously and waved at their parents. Miss Lori turned and whispered something to them, then counted to three. When she got to three, they all began singing “Frosty the Snowman” as she played the tune on the piano. At first Matthew was shy and stared at the ground, but by the second verse, he was belting the song out as loud and proud as he could.
“Five Lit
tle Snowflakes” was up next, and Maura was happily clapping along and wiggling her little booty as much as she could from my lap as I tried to video with my phone. They were on the third little snowflake when Matthew looked toward the classroom door and his face lit up.
“Viper!” he called out above all the other kids singing.
I dropped my phone in my lap and followed him with my eyes as he sprinted to the door and leaped into Viper’s arms. Viper scooped him up and closed his eyes as they squeezed each other. Miss Lori kept playing the song, but the other kids were so distracted by what was going on that they eventually trailed off. The piano stopped as Viper set Matthew down.
“Go finish singing, bud. I’ll talk to you after, okay?” he said.
Matthew nodded and excitedly bounced back to his spot on the step. Viper stood and scanned the group of parents until our eyes met. “Sorry about that,” he apologized to the parents with a wave as he walked past them and sat in the chair next to me.
My throat felt like it was going to close up and my whole body tingled with anxiety. Never in a million years did I expect Viper to show up at Matthew’s school program. I didn’t look at him as he sat down, but the minute Maura saw him, she reached her arms out for him.
“Hey, sweet baby!” he said as he shifted her onto his lap and kissed her cheek at least a dozen times.
I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. Part of me wanted to get up and leave, but I couldn’t pull Matthew from his performance, nor did I want to make a huge scene. Matthew kept looking over at Viper with a big grin on his face to make sure he was watching him sing, and I just tried to breathe normally. My hands were shaking so bad I rolled them into fists so that no one else would see. But someone did see. Viper saw. He reached over and wrapped his hand around mine. I still refused to look over at him, but I didn’t pull back. Not only was Matthew watching us like a hawk, as much as I didn’t want to admit it, it felt amazing to have his warm hand covering mine. I’d had zero contact with him in over a month, but my body craved his touch, which was something I couldn’t turn off, no matter how hard I tried.
