TrueLesbianLove.Com

by Carsen Taite

  In hindsight, she could see that her mother’s death and her father’s withdrawal had stuffed feelings like love deep down inside, compacted into unrecognizable forms, not likely to spring back to life. To allow them to surface was to invite pain, for her and for the people who loved her. She didn’t have what it took to weather love’s storms without completely shutting down. Mac came from a family where love was the way things were. Her parents were in love and loved her. Her siblings were loyal beyond measure. Seventeen-year-old Mackenzie Lewis didn’t know pain, and Jordan wasn’t going to drag her into the depths of hers. She’d been certain the pursuit of anything romantic would destroy the fast friendship she was desperate to keep.

  Ignoring the plea in her eyes, Jordan had announced, “Now we’ve practiced on each other, let’s try our skills on some of the babes in here.”

  Mac’s features shuffled quickly into composure as she realized that Jordan was done with their tiny foray of passion.

  In all the years they’d known each other, she’d never once alluded to that moment, and Jordan had stopped thinking about what her silence conveyed.

  A voice, and the gentle press of a hand on her shoulder shook Jordan from her reflections and she glanced up expecting to see one of the cocktail waitresses. Instead she stared up into big brown eyes that locked her with their gaze.

  “Would you like another beer?” the stranger asked.

  Breathtaking, Jordan thought. The face that featured those baby browns also boasted fair smooth skin that would be soft to the touch. Resolving to find out just how soft, Jordan replied, “I’d rather dance, if that’s an acceptable alternative.”

  Nodding, the beautiful stranger held out her hand and Jordan grasped it, moving them back inside to the dance floor.

  Joining a few other couples, they swayed to the R&B dance vibe of Rihanna’s “Good Girl Gone Bad.” Jordan placed her hands on the woman’s hips and began a gradual ascent. A song and dance later, her hands framed her dance partner’s face and she leaned in for a long, slow kiss that stretched through several verses and a chorus.

  The stranger leaned back and offered, “I live close by.”

  Jordan’s nod was the only reply, but a clear signal. The woman took her by the hand and led her out the door. Her white Mercedes convertible transported them a few blocks away to the vast circular drive that fronted one of Oak Lawn’s new high-rise condo buildings. Though the hour was late, the dutiful valet snapped to attention and opened the driver’s door, leaving Jordan to fend for herself. She stepped out and followed her hostess through the large glass doors held open by a man dressed in full doorman regalia. They walked in silence to a bank of elevators. Once inside and riding upward, the stranger pinned Jordan to the back wall and kissed her with steady force and purpose. Jordan’s body responded without reservation. Grabbing fistfuls of the thick, platinum mane, she pulled the full sensuous lips closer.

  The elevator stopped on the twenty-fifth floor, and the stranger whispered, “Should we adjourn to my apartment?”

  Again, Jordan nodded assent.

  Dim lights made mysterious the shadowy exchange as they tangled together inside the woman’s home. Drunk on the moment, Jordan moved in a trance, following the flaxen-haired siren, oblivious to any rocky pitfalls lurking in the shadows.

  She saw something of herself in the easy confidence with which this woman led her to bed, firmly pushed her down, and brazenly began removing her clothes. She watched, as if in a mirror, and it was almost a game to predict the next move: Now, she’ll lean in to deliver light kisses along my neck, her thigh positioned to give a small, teasing pressure designed to drive me to distraction. In response to my begging moans, she’ll bump up the pressure, her tongue playing promises in my mouth, assuring arousal that will send me over the edge.

  Despite her vantage point, Jordan’s body started to feel the sensations her mind described and she wondered at her own loss of control. Was this how she made other women feel?

  How could they possibly survive the total loss of control? How did this beauty know she could have her like this? Out of her hazy musings, a question broke through. “How do you know what I want?”

  Her words hung in the air. The nameless vixen paused in her ministrations, undaunted by the query, and answered simply, “Mind-blowing sex with no strings attached. Everyone knows that’s what you want.”

  Declaration delivered, she bent down and nipped at Jordan’s mouth, her hot tongue seeking entrance. Like a diver, having tasted the depth of her prowess but now desperately trying to cut the water’s surface, Jordan kicked her way back to awareness, pulling away.

  “I’m leaving,” she announced, throwing her legs over the side of the bed and reaching for her shirt.

  “Don’t leave, Doctor. We’re just getting started.” Arms circled Jordan’s waist, unbuttoning as fast as Jordan could fasten.

  With more force than she intended, Jordan jerked the tail of her shirt from the woman’s grasp, shedding several buttons in the process. Both women stared at the bits of metal as they clanked on the floor, swirled in place, and rolled off into silence. Jordan grasped her shirttail with both hands and moved quickly to the door. Moments later she emerged from the elevator, catching the knowing glance of the dolled-up doorman. Ignoring his attempts to beat her to the tall glass doors, she swiftly made her exit.

  Early summer’s curse was limited to sweltering days. The night air at this time in the season was still bearable and even offered a light breeze. Jordan walked the blocks back to Sue Ellen’s to retrieve her car, welcoming the fresh air as it breathed her back to awareness. What was wrong with her? She’d left a beautiful woman who was ready and willing. Ruefully, she reflected that she herself had been ready and willing. Was she that easy to make? Lesbian seeks lay: I don’t care what your favorite food is, whether you like to dance fast or slow—hell, I don’t even have to know your name. You must be a great fuck.

  No further information necessary.

  The walk back to the bar seemed to take forever as she grappled with the realization that she no longer cared for the reputation she’d tried her whole life to cultivate. As she crossed Cedar Springs, she glanced at the patio where the night’s misadventure had begun. Squinting to dispel the distraction of the wrought iron railing, she saw only the memory of that night when she and Mac had been young and curious. Though cynical even then, she couldn’t completely sever herself from her yearnings. Now, looking back, she recognized the force behind her cynicism. Fear. Fear of loss, fear of pain, fear of love. Funny, almost twenty years later, the fear was still there but she’d learned to call it by other, more acceptable, names: independence, control, fortitude.

  Slipping behind the wheel of her M5, Jordan leaned back and felt the memory of young Mackenzie’s lips meeting hers.

  All these years later, fear still fought the feeling away, yet something of the yearning rushed back.

  CHAPTER NINE

  Resisting the tease of the tiny envelope icon in the corner of her laptop screen, Mac poured herself a humongous cup of French roast and added a hefty measure of cream. Carrying the cup of java, she left the kitchen and the beckoning e-mail and strolled outdoors to retrieve the morning paper. The Friday edition featured new restaurant reviews and Mac liked to start off the weekend by assessing the competition.

  Pausing under the large pecan tree, she stretched her arms over her head, soaking up the early morning sunshine. This Friday was starting off to be a gorgeous day.

  It was time to check the weather of her dating life and see if it measured up. She returned to the kitchen and settled in front of her laptop. Clicking on the envelope icon, she quickly scanned the new e-mails in her inbox. She’d replied to FanningtheFlame’s message after reading her profile about twenty times, writing:

  Thanks for your beautiful message. It’s good to know I’m not the only one out here who still believes in true love. Forgive my cynicism, but I sincerely hope your sentiments will be reflected in your actions
as well as your words. If you think we’ll be a good fit, let’s set up a time to meet. Soon.

  Mac figured her somewhat brief reply would scare off all but the truly willing. Spying an e-mail from her new admirer, she clicked it open.

  Cut to the chase, huh? Fine by me. I would be happy to show you I mean what I say and the sooner the better. Are you free this weekend? I hope so.

  Well, she certainly didn’t waste any time. You wanted directness, didn’t you? she chided herself. Ignoring the tiny feeling inside crying out for her to stay within her comfort zone, Mac typed a reply quickly, before she could change her mind.

  Glad that’s settled. I look forward to meeting you. I can’t get away this weekend, but how about Wednesday night? We can meet at Dario’s and go from there. Say 7:00 p.m.?

  After hitting the Send button, Mac started to close the lid of her laptop but stopped when she heard the familiar ping announcing she had new mail. FanningtheFlame was online and confirmed their date.

  Mac wondered if the hollow feeling in her gut was excitement or dismay.

  “Hey, Haley, is Megan home?” Jordan stood in the doorway of her friends’ brownstone duplex. For a reason she couldn’t put her finger on, she hadn’t wanted to go home after finishing up at the hospital. After making sure all her admitted patients were settled in for the night, she’d driven around aimlessly until she found herself at Megan and Haley’s Oak Lawn home.

  “You just missed her,” Haley said. “She got a call from a client and went running out the door.” She searched Jordan’s face. “She made dinner before she left, though. Wanna join me?”

  “I don’t want to barge in on you.” Lack of confidence was definitely not Jordan’s usual style, but she felt dead tired and out of sorts.

  Haley must have discerned that something was off, as she grabbed Jordan’s arm and pulled her in. “You don’t look good.

  I think you need to eat.”

  Jordan followed Haley into the kitchen and accepted the ice-cold bottle of beer Haley thrust into her hand. She noted Haley was still wearing her Dallas Fire Department uniform and, with her compact muscular body, she looked good in it.

  Taking a stab at small talk, she asked, “What’s for dinner?”

  “Meat loaf, mashed potatoes, green beans, baby carrots, and blackberry cobbler for dessert.”

  “Wow, do you guys eat this much every night?” Jordan blurted out. “How in the world do you stay in such good shape?”

  “No, smart ass, we don’t eat like this every night. Megan decided to surprise me with all of my favorites.”

  “What’s the occasion?”

  “It’s the anniversary of the day we first met.” The usually stoic Haley let loose a tiny grin at this revelation.

  “Oh.” Jordan was embarrassed that she’d crashed this special evening for her friends. “Look, maybe I should go.”

  “Chill. Do you see Megan here? It’s not like you’re interrupting anything. She probably won’t be back for hours.

  Now, have a seat and eat with me,” Haley urged, motioning to a table featuring a candlelit setting for two.

  “Are you mad at her for taking off?” Jordan asked as they sat down.

  “Mad? No. Disappointed that she had to leave? Sure. It happens. Hell, I get called in on emergencies all the time. If we got mad at each other for things we can’t control, we’d never make it.”

  “Do you think you will?”

  “Will what?”

  Picking at bits of food, Jordan asked, “Make it.”

  “Why? Got the hots for my wife?” Haley was teasing, but her serious tone caused Jordan to shoot upright.

  “No! I mean, she’s beautiful and all. Who wouldn’t have the hots for her? But I don’t. I mean, I don’t think of her that way. She’s my friend, nothing more. She’s a great friend, but we don’t have anything more than a friendship between us.”

  “Stop talking, Doc. I was kidding.”

  “Oh.” Jordan sighed.

  “You’re not eating,” Haley observed.

  “I’m not hungry.”

  “Spill it. What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing. I think I’m overly tired.”

  “Too many late dates?” Haley baited.

  Jordan abruptly stood and slammed her beer bottle down on the table. “For your information, I’ve been working my ass off. I’m tired of everyone thinking I’m a playgirl who spends every waking moment getting laid.”

  Quick strides closed the distance between them, and Haley pushed Jordan back into her chair. “Settle down. I wouldn’t have asked you in here if I thought you were going to throw a fit. I was making conversation. Be civil and let’s talk.”

  As Jordan decided whether to stay or go, she sized up her friend’s lover. Though she’d always been a welcome member of the group, Haley usually kept her own counsel, merely observing the interplay of the others. Jordan had never gotten to know her very well. However, in all her years as a paramedic in Dallas, Haley must have seen things that would make the rest of them cringe and she was equally sure Haley had both the physical and emotional strength to make her sit and be civil.

  “Yeah, okay. I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. I feel out of sorts. I wanted to talk to Megan about it in hopes she could dispense some of her psychological mojo and make me feel better.”

  “I’m all you’ve got right now. Let’s hear what’s bugging you. I may not have much mojo, but I can listen.”

  “I don’t know what’s wrong. This whole week’s been off.

  Last Saturday night I had a date with this woman I met online.

  We had dinner and then a nightcap back at her place.”

  Haley nodded. “You had sex.”

  “Yes, we had sex. Good sex. So I saw her again, probably a mistake. And she’s been dropping by and calling me ever since.”

  “And that’s a problem because?”

  “Because she was perfectly clear she wanted to meet for a good time, no strings attached. I mean, she was clear about wanting no commitment up front. Really clear.”

  “Now she’s acting like she wants more. Gotcha. Is that the only thing that’s got you off your game?”

  “Well, no. Then I see Mac acting all starry-eyed about some woman who is absolutely not her type and I confront her about it and she acts as if it’s none of my business if she gets hooked up with some frumpy broad.”

  “Whoa, back up a minute. You ran into Mac while she was out on a date?”

  “I didn’t run into her. I was looking for her and there she was sharing coffee and small talk with a Shirley Feeney look-alike.”

  “When was this?”

  “Last Sunday morning. Why?”

  “What were you doing stalking Mac on a Sunday morning only hours after leaving the fling?”

  “I wasn’t stalking her.” Jordan was indignant. “Mac and I usually do something together Sunday morning. It’s our time.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “What?”

  “Nothing. So, Mac’s dating a loser. What else are you bugged about?”

  Jordan paused. She didn’t want to confess Thursday night’s antics to Haley. Fact was, she didn’t know her all that well. She was Megan’s partner, now legally married spouse, in some countries at least. Her general impression was Haley was pretty no-nonsense and generally tight-lipped. She had a hard time picturing Haley and Megan together; Megan was expressive and Haley rarely spoke more than ten words at a time. On the other hand, she thought she could trust Haley to not only keep her confidence, but to withhold judgment.

  “I had a weird thing happen to me last night. I was in bed with a beautiful woman. It was an ideal situation. She picked me up at Sue’s. I didn’t even know her name. But I got up and left before we even did anything. I’d never seen her before, but she knew about me. I was freaked out.”

  “What did she know?”

  “That I’m a doctor. I like sex. I’ll go home with a gorgeous woman at the drop of a hat.”


  “Don’t take this the wrong way, but is that information secret?”

  Jordan stared hard at Haley and saw nothing but sincerity in her expression. Deciding she wasn’t being provoked, she responded, “No. I guess not. I suppose it struck a nerve to have her assume she could have me from the moment we met. It made me wonder whether everyone thinks I’m easy.”

  As she verbalized her vulnerability, she glanced up to check Haley’s reaction and was met with a gentle gaze. “Do you remember what Megan said when you and Mac were writing your profiles? About how you put on this show of being noncommittal to stop anyone from knowing you may actually like them?” Haley waited for an acknowledgment, and then continued, “Well, I agree. You do put on a show, but people who know you and care about you see right through it.

  I don’t know what’s happened to you in the past to make you hide your real feelings, but I’ve seen enough to know you’re a caring person. When you find someone who cares about you, I hope you’ll let your true feelings show.”

  Jordan averted her eyes to keep Haley from seeing the gathering mist. Haley’s speech, long for her, dredged up long-buried emotions. Not ready for them to surface, she switched the discussion to Haley. “How did you know Megan was the one for you?”

  “Well, it wasn’t love at first sight. The first time I saw her she was in the ER with one of her patients. I’d brought in two kids covered in first-degree burns, hanging onto life by the thinnest of threads. I’m sure I was a dashing figure, covered in soot. I was on my way to the bathroom to clean up a little before heading back out to finish my shift. Megan was walking down the hall and she crashed right into me. I was pissed off and told her to watch where she was going.”