Kept By the Loan Shark

by Roxie Rivera

  Exhausted from a long day at the university and my therapy session and walks, I dropped down on the love seat I had decided to keep. I tossed my backpack aside, not caring where it landed. The moment I closed my eyes and tilted back my head, the low, pounding thump of pain that seemed to always be with me grew more insistent. I blew out an angry breath and tried to relax.

  The headaches seemed to be the one side effect that hadn’t gotten better. The neurologist handling my case had warned me they could last for months. I had bottles of medications that were supposed to help, but none of them did much. So far, caffeine seemed to be the most helpful. Quiet, dark spaces, too.

  But the problem with sitting quietly in a dark space was that the peace never lasted long. Intrusive thoughts would bombard me, and I would slide into a pit of melancholy and worry. What would happen to me if I never got my vision back? If the headaches never went away? If my memory didn’t continue to improve? Would I be able to finish a doctorate? Would I be able to find a job?

  My phone chimed, and for once, I was grateful for the interruption. I still had a hard time reading text on any sort of screen right now. All of my friends knew to call or video chat with me. Kyle’s smiling face came into view after I swiped the screen. “Hey, Kyle.”

  “Hey! Are you busy later? I thought I might swing by and pick you up for dinner? Or coffee?”

  “Coffee sounds nice.” I still had random bouts of nausea and wasn’t ready to attempt eating in a restaurant where the smells and sounds aggravated my stomach. “What time?”

  “Eight? Or is that too late?”

  “No, that’s perfect.”

  “Great. I’ll see you then.”

  “Yep.”

  I closed my left eye so I could focus on my phone and set an alarm. Tired, I dragged myself off the loveseat and walked the handful of steps to my downsized twin bed. Lately, sleeping in clothing had felt uncomfortable and irritating so I had taken to skipping pajamas altogether. The only perk of living alone was that I could sleep however I liked without worrying about anyone else seeing me naked.

  As I crawled into bed and pulled the covers over my body, I slid my hand under one of my pillows and stopped when I felt the slightly stiff fabric hidden away there. I slowly pulled free the shirt I had squirreled away under the pillow. It was the only piece of Hagen left in my life, a crisp white dress shirt that still smelled of his cologne and aftershave. In a moment of embarrassing weakness, I held the shirt to my nose and breathed in deeply. The scent was fading now, and I knew that soon it would smell of nothing. But, right now, in this moment, it was the comfort I needed to make it through another day.

  When my alarm woke me later, I felt better, a little more rested and without that frustratingly strong thud of a headache. Very carefully, I folded Hagen’s shirt and replaced it under the pillow, hiding it away like the shameful secret it was. Clearing my mind of all thoughts of him, I changed into something more comfortable—leggings and an oversized Rice University hoodie over a t-shirt—and waited for Kyle to knock.

  “Ready?” he asked when I opened the door.

  Nodding, I locked up and followed him to his waiting car. I settled into the front seat and buckled my seat belt while he slid behind the wheel. He checked his phone before asking, “How about this new place I keep hearing about? It’s a wine and coffee bar. It’s supposed to be quiet. Dim lights.”

  “Oh, yeah, definitely.”

  He dropped his phone in a cupholder and pulled of his spot. “How was your OT appointment today?” I made an annoyed sound, and he laughed softly. “That bad?”

  “Danny made me play Perfection again. It gives me a panic attack every time he takes it off the shelf.”

  “It gives everyone a panic attack. It’s a terrible game.” He turned out of the parking lot and onto the nearest street. “How were classes? You feel like you’re getting all the support you need?”

  “Kunal has organized everything for me. He put together a group of our classmates to help with notes and studying. His mom came over with him the other day and filled my freezer with enough food to feed an army. She even labeled the containers and made a little calendar to make sure I know which container to grab for each day.”

  “I’ve never met her, but she sounds like a really sweet lady.”

  “So sweet,” I agreed. “She’s so proud of Kunal for deciding he’s going to med school.”

  “Med school? Really?” He seemed to think it over. “I can see him as a doctor, but not a surgeon.”

  “He’ll be a great doctor, whatever specialty he chooses,” I insisted. “What about Hannah? Isn’t she in some sort of biomedical science?”

  “Tissue Engineering is her focus.”

  I made a face at the idea of spending day after day watching human tissue grow in petri dishes. Not wanting to get into the science of that, I asked, “How are things going between you?”

  “We’re taking it slow,” he said, turning at an intersection. “We’re going out tomorrow.”

  “Slow is good,” I murmured, shifting my gaze out the window to the blur of passing headlights. “Things went fast with Hagen, and it blew up in my face.”

  Kyle’s hand gently closed over mine. “I wish you didn’t have to go through this. I know it must be painful.”

  I squeezed his hand back. “It is, but that’s life, I guess.”

  “It seems so,” he agreed, letting go of my hand as he eased to a stop at a red light. “Have you heard anything about Janine?”

  “No, and I hope I never do.”

  “Don’t you want her to pay for her crimes?”

  “She can’t go back in time and undo her attack. She lost Travis. She’s suffered enough, and I’m not interested in vengeance. I just want to move on.”

  “You’re a better person than me,” he said after a moment.

  “No,” I disagreed. “I’m just tired of it all. I want to forget it ever happened. All of it.”

  Kyle reached for my hand again, and I welcomed his support and friendship. “I’m here to help you however I can. Whatever you need, just ask.”

  “Thank you. I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me.”

  He smiled at me and merged into the turn lane, dropping my hand so he could turn into the parking lot. We parked and got out of his car. My vision issues made me nervous and unsteady so I kept my gaze focused on the ground, trying to make sure i didn’t stumble or trip. For a Thursday evening, there seemed to be quite a few people going in and out of the restaurants and coffee shop. I was grateful for Kyle’s help as he steered me along.

  Suddenly, he grabbed my arm and tugged hard, stopping me right in my tracks. I frowned at him and started to ask him what he was doing, but the expression on his face startled me. I followed his gaze, and my stomach dropped like a runaway elevator.

  Hagen. Coming out of the coffee shop. And he wasn’t alone.

  It was my nurse. It was Vicky. His one-time ex.

  God, she was so pretty. She looked effortlessly sexy in a deep navy dress that highlighted her incredible legs and curves. Seeing them side by side, his hand on the small of her back as he guided her out the door, I was struck by how perfect they seemed to fit together. It was like a knife to the gut as I realized how ridiculous we must have looked, him towering over tiny, skinny little me.

  For a very brief and very weak moment, I silently willed him to see me. I wanted him to lock eyes with me, to let me see that he no longer loved me. A part of me, a pathetic and embarrassing part of me, wanted to shout his name, to ask him why he left me like that. How was it so easy to walk away from me? Why hadn’t he fought for me?

  I swallowed down the sob that threatened to escape and clung gratefully to Kyle’s hand as he quickly turned us away from the coffee shop. Neither of us said a word as he hurried me back to his car and bundled me inside. He sat with his hands on the wheel as I cried silently next to him. The air conditioner blew across my wet cheeks, leaving my skin as cold as my broken heart.
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  “Should I take you home?” he asked gently.

  “No, please, I don’t want to be alone right now.” I wiped at my face with the cuff of my hoodie. “I don’t care where we go. Just not back to my apartment.”

  “Okay.” He grabbed his phone and tapped at the screen. Eventually, he dropped his phone in the console and started to drive. I stared out the window, not really paying attention until he pulled into a Starbucks drive-thru. Somehow, he remembered my preferred drink—grande cinnamon dolce latte, breve, with no whipped cream and extra cinnamon sprinkles. The only other person to ever manage that was Hagen.

  Hagen who had left me, wounded and afraid in a hospital, so he could date my nurse.

  Not even the soothing warmth and sweetness of the latte could ease the throbbing ache inside me. Objectively, it wasn’t hard to understand why he had sought out the company of an ex-girlfriend. She was familiar. She was kind and had a good heart, if her nursing care toward me was any indication.

  My traitorous brain pointed out that Vicky was also settled in her life and had no plans to leave Houston. She matched Hagen’s stage of life. She probably wanted the same things he did, the things I hadn’t been able or ready to give him just yet. She was exactly the sort of partner he needed now. If not her, someone similar.

  Kyle parked near the Waterwall, and I was pleasantly surprised by the destination he had chosen. It was quiet this time of night and the lights shining through the towering waterfall sculpture were relaxing. We found a bench close by the water and sat side by side, listening to the soothing sounds. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, glad to be outside in the cool evening and surrounded by the lulling noise of water.

  Overcome with gratitude, I leaned my head on his shoulder. “Thank you for being such a good friend. I don’t know what I would do without you, Kunal or Taylor.”

  He slid his arm around me and gave me a friendly squeeze. Or, at least, it started friendly.

  His hand moved from my shoulder to my waist, grasping me and drawing me closer. Even with my double vision, I could see the look on his face wasn’t one of friendship. No, it was something else. Something darker. Lustier.

  “Kyle,” I protested, desperate to avert the disaster waiting to happen.

  “I know,” he said, as if he understood something I didn’t.

  Before I could react, he quickly kissed me, his lips smashing into mine as I tried to pull back. He grabbed the back of my neck to hold me in place and stabbed his tongue against my lips. I pressed them together, refusing to let him taste me in that intimate way. He was too strong for me, and even though I resisted, I couldn’t break free.

  When his hand moved toward my still healing injury, I jolted at the sudden shock of pain. I gripped the coffee cup so hard it exploded all over us, scalding us both with the super-heated liquid inside. He howled in pain and jerked away from me. “Cassie! What the fuck?”

  “What are you doing?” I scooted away from him, putting as much distance between us as possible without falling off the bench. I gingerly touched my head and glanced at my fingers, relieved not to see blood.

  “I was following your lead.”

  “What lead?” I gawked at him as if he were a complete idiot. “What are you talking about?”

  “Come on, Cassie! You don’t have to keep playing these games, okay? Hagen is gone. You saw him earlier. He’s moved on—and now it’s time for you to do the same.”

  “With you?” I guessed, starting to feel so damn stupid. “You think I’m ready to rebound from the most serious relationship of my life in just a few weeks?”

  “He was trash, Cassie. He was a lowlife scumbag loan shark. He was never going to be the right man for you. He was only ever going to hurt you.” Kyle moved toward me again and grabbed my hands. “Cassie, you’re so special. You need a man who will worship you.”

  My stomach lurched. “I don’t want someone to worship me.”

  “That’s because you don’t know any better,” he insisted in the most patronizing way. “You don’t know how good I can be for you. I can show you if you’ll let me. I’ll spend hours in bed with you,” he promised. “Touching you. Kissing you. Making love to you.”

  When he licked his lips, I almost hurled. “Kyle, we’re friends. I don’t…I don’t see you that way, okay?”

  His expression morphed instantly. His eyes blazed with anger. “Are you fucking serious right now with this friendzone bullshit? After everything I’ve done for you? After all the heartbreak I saved you from?”

  “I thought you were my friend! That you were helping me because that’s what friends do! We help each other!” My head was throbbing now, and I couldn’t figure out when everything had gone so wrong. “What about Hannah? She’s your girlfriend!”

  “No, she isn’t! We had one date, and she blocked me everywhere. Stupid, stuck up cow!”

  “Why did you lie about dating her?”

  “Are you kidding me? All of you foids crave a man already in a relationship with another female. I knew I had to play your game to get you to see me as someone worthy of your attention.”

  “Foids? What does that even mean? And I don’t want to date someone who is already in a relationship! I’m not into cheating!”

  “Hagen is,” he snarled cruelly. He tugged his phone out of his pocket, tapped the screen and then threw it at me. “Look at him. He didn’t even make it three days after walking out on you before he was throwing money at whores.”

  I didn’t want to look, but I couldn’t stop myself. I covered my left eye so I could focus more easily and stared at the screen. The photos were dark, but the flash of neon stage lights illuminated Hagen’s familiar profile well enough for me to recognize him. He was sitting next to well-known monster and strip club owner Besian Beciraj. He had his suit jacket off and his sleeves rolled up, showing off his muscular forearms. There was a glass of what I knew was his favorite bourbon sitting in front of him.

  I hesitated before thumbing through the photos that followed. The women on the stage were gorgeous. Lush curves and sex appeal that I would never manage.

  When I reached a photo of Hagen on a velvet sofa with a woman gyrating on his lap, I almost lost it. She was incredibly beautiful, and even though he wasn’t touching her, he was still crossing the line. His expression was lazy and relaxed, one I had only seen once before when he had gotten drunk during a card game with Besian and some of their underworld friends.

  Stamping down the humiliation washing over me in a burning wave, I threw the phone back at him. “Were you following Hagen?”

  “I had to,” Kyle insisted. “I knew you would want him back. You’re weak, and you don’t know what’s best for you.”

  I gawked at him, wondering how I had been so blind. Taylor had been right along. He was Creeper Kyle. “You’re a psycho.”

  “I’m a psycho? Well, I’d rather be a psycho than a little slut who spread her legs to pay off her brother’s gambling debts!”

  Swallowing hard, I tried to ignore the sting of his accusation. “Maybe I am a little slut, but I’ll never be your little slut.”

  Refusing to spend another second in his presence, I grabbed my crumpled cup of coffee and left. I walked as fast as I could, ignoring Kyle as he yelled hurtful obscenities at me. When I couldn’t hear him anymore, I stopped under a lamp post, threw my ruined cup in the trash and pulled my phone from the pocket of my hoodie. For a moment, I considered calling Taylor but she had already done so much to help me. I wasn’t going to drag her into this shit show. Instead, I opened the Lyft app and managed to order a ride while covering my left eye.

  The late model Kia Soul pulled up to the sidewalk where I had arranged to meet a few minutes later. Thankful the driver was a woman, I relaxed in the back seat and held it together through banal chitchat as she drove me home. When I finally made it inside my apartment, I locked the door and erupted in tears, sliding down the door in a crumpled heap of sadness and embarrassment.

  My phone started to rin
g, and I ignored it, afraid that it was Kyle calling to harass me. When it rang the second time, I pulled it out of my hoodie and glanced at the screen. Even with double vision, there was no mistaking the smiling face of my brother. Desperate for someone I could trust, I answered the video call. “Ronnie!”

  His smile faded instantly. “Cassie! What’s wrong?”

  “Ronnie, it’s all ruined. It’s all a mess. I don’t know what to do anymore.” Sobbing, I leaned back against the door and told him everything.

  Chapter Eleven

  Loud knocking at the door to my apartment woke me. I rubbed my face and glanced at the clock by my bed. I had to cover my eye and squint to see the numbers correctly. It had been less than an hour since I had ended my long phone call with my brother. I must have only just fallen asleep.

  As the knocking continued, a jolt of fear woke me up completely. What if it was Kyle?

  Nervous and ready to call the police, I grabbed the first thing I could find to cover my naked body—my oversized hoodie that now smelled of coffee and cinnamon—and slipped it over my head. I held my phone tightly and slowly got out of bed, careful not to stand too quickly and fall. The wave of dizziness I experienced when standing upright faded faster than usual, and I took steady steps toward the front door, glad I had left the lights on when I fell asleep.

  I was too short to see through the peep hole and didn’t trust my balance for a stool or chair. Instead, I kept the chain in place, unlocked the deadbolt and opened the door only a few inches.

  Hagen loomed in my doorway, his left hand braced on the frame and his right balled up to knock again. Seemingly startled by the door opening, he went from an expression of worry to one of utter relief. “Cassie.”

  Shocked at Hagen’s unexpected appearance on my doorstep, I tried to ignore the frisson of excited heat that raced through my body at the sound of my name falling from his lips. I stared up at him through the tiny space between the door and the frame. He looked like hell. His eyes were tired, and the lines around his face that crinkled when he smiled were deeper. His hair was a mess, as if he’d been running his fingers through it, and his usually immaculate clothing was wrinkled. “Hagen.”