Inside of You (Jessa & Paxton #2)

by Haven Francis

  The cabin door flies open then and Danny comes over to us. He tries to pull Paxton off me, but Paxton shoves him off. “Stay out of this, man,” he snarls.

  “You put one hand on her and I will kick your ass,” Danny threatens.

  Paxton just smiles and shakes his head. I almost want to smile too. Danny came out here to save me, like Paxton was going to hit me. Meanwhile, Paxton’s short temper and impassioned anger has me wanting to rip his clothes off. “Shut up, man. I would never fucking hurt her. She knows that,” he tells Danny, his intense eyes never leaving mine.

  “Oh my god, what the hell is going on?” I hear Nat shriek.

  “Fucking perfect,” Paxton mutters, pushing himself off of me and running his hand through his hair. He turns and my heart is beating and my breaths are too fast and loud.

  Paxton backs away and Emily is by my side. “Are you okay?” she whispers.

  “Fine,” I mutter.

  “I told Danny you weren’t in the right frame of mind to work things out with him.”

  “There’s nothing to work out.” I push myself away from the post as Nat and Luke make their way up the steps.

  “I thought we were supposed to be partying… you know, having fun before you have to leave,” Nat says, her hands on her hips, disappointed because my hell is interfering with her fun.

  I don’t respond. I just watch Paxton as he makes his way down the steps, Daisy following. Danny and Luke eventually go too.

  “Seriously, what the hell is going on? Are you still fighting with him?” Nat prods.

  “I don’t want to talk about him anymore,” I tell her.

  “Come on then,” Emily says, grabbing a hold of my hand. “Let’s go hang out and have some fun before you head back with him tomorrow.”

  Em knows I’m not going back with him but I really am tired of talking about this bullshit. Emily leads me to the fire that Danny is getting started and I stand in the uncomfortable circle. Everyone is tense, or maybe it’s just me and Pax, but we are effecting everyone. I try not to stare across the fire at him, but I can feel his eyes on me and I can’t help but look. He looks sad. He looks thoughtful. I know I’m confusing him. That I’m not making sense. But he should know that even if nothing happened between him and Stella that I’m fucked up when it comes to trusting the intentions of any man. To making myself vulnerable to him. He should have taken better care of us. He should have ran from her. He should have told me the truth about their past. He should have called me before he went to bed. He should have needed me more. He should love me better.

  He cocks his head at me before shaking it, like he can hear my thoughts. I raise my eyebrows at him because he knows. He knows better than this.

  “Hey, Jason,” I hear Emily call out cheerily but I don’t turn to look at him. I stare at Paxton. He closes his eyes tight before opening them back up and turning to where Jason is probably walking towards us.

  “Hey, Paxton. What are you doing here?” Jason asks happily. I look at him now, at the excited expression on his face. When Paxton was here before he took Jason under his wing. He tried to help him through a hard time and expose him to the things that I now know helped Paxton through his own shit – music and writing. Paxton was good to him. That Paxton was selfless and caring and able to see right from wrong. I wonder how he feels now, looking at this kid who looks up to him, knowing that he spent the last week living like a junkie.

  “I was gonna come track you down as soon as I had a chance. It’s good to see you,” he shakes Jason’s hand and pulls him into a one armed hug. “How’s it going?” he asks quieter.

  “Great… I mean, really great. Better than ever.”

  “Yeah? That’s good,” Paxton says with a genuine smile. I don’t really love seeing him like this because I have to admit that Paxton is not a total asshole. He cares about Jason. It’s obvious.

  “I finally got a guitar, I’m trying to learn it but I don’t know… I think I’m probably going to need some lessons.”

  “You trying to teach yourself? That’s difficult, man. It’s so much easier when you have someone there who knows what the hell they’re doing and can show you. I wish I could help you out.”

  “That would be a trip… the lead singer from Polly teaching me guitar,” Jason laughs. Paxton puts his hands in his pockets and looks at the ground like he’s embarrassed. Because here in River Bluff, he’s not a rock star drug addict – he’s just Paxton. “It’s so cool to watch you play. I mean, obviously I knew you had skills, but man, you guys are really good. I think I’ve watched every YouTube video out there of your band. But the ones from your show last night… I can’t stop watching them. That show was epic. Those new songs you were playing… so good. I don’t know how you come up with that stuff, I mean not just the lyrics, but the entire structure. I’ve never heard anything like it. I told my friends they were probably about Jessa and they didn’t believe me. They are though, aren’t they?” Jason asks, looking over at me like he just got caught doing something wrong. I can’t even smile for him. Paxton played his new songs. Songs about me. And I wasn’t there.

  “Yeah, they’re all about Jessa. Except for… wait, so you watch these videos on YouTube?”

  “Yeah.”

  “So I guess you wouldn’t know the names. Like the sixth song we played… the one about the do over and seeing myself as a kid…?”

  “Yeah, I love that one. It’s probably my favorite.”

  “Good, cause that one’s about you. Well… me and you.”

  Jason just stares at him with confusion on his face.

  “The lyrics probably don’t make any sense. Maybe it doesn’t come off like it’s supposed to.”

  “No, I get it. I mean, I completely related to it. It’s just weird. You wrote that song about me?”

  “Yeah. Is that cool? ‘Cause there’s another one I haven’t quite gotten worked out that’s about you too.”

  “Holy crap,” Jason says, shaking his head. “No, I don’t mind. In fact, if you could, name that one ‘Jason Donovan’ ‘cause no one’s gonna believe me.”

  “If I ever get it worked out right that will be the title. In fact, depending on whether Jessa can get herself on some medication or not, I might be staying here so Polly will be no more. I should probably just rename the other song ‘Jason Donovan’.”

  I roll my eyes, but Jason looks at me with anger in his. “What? You gotta let him go back to his band. He’s gotta keep playing.”

  I look at Paxton who is just smirking at me. “He’s going back tomorrow, Jason. Don’t worry.”

  Jason looks back at Paxton expectantly. “If she comes with me I am. Otherwise, you got yourself a guitar teacher. Actually, that don’t sound so bad,” he says, turning his damn eyes on me. “You and I can settle down. Maybe buy some land and a trailer. You can waitress and I’ll teach guitar.” My stomach roils at that idea. He sees the discomfort on my face and just smirks before turning back to Jason. “You got a lot of friends who would pay me to learn guitar?”

  “Holy crap, yeah. For sure,” he says excitedly before his face drops. “But… no, you can’t leave your band.”

  “Maybe the band will have to come here. You think the guys and Vi would like River Bluff?” Pax asks me.

  “You and the guys would have a hard time keeping up your habits in a place like this. Everything that belongs to you is in Chicago.”

  Paxton shakes his head at me before turning back to Jason. “Girls… stay away from them for as long as possible. And if you find a girl that you really like, that you might want to fall in love with… turn and run ‘cause she’s just gonna break your heart. And the amount of work you’re gonna have to put in just to convince her that she’s crazy is going to break you down completely.”

  “Don’t worry. I’ve seen my share of what losing someone you love does to a person,” Jason tells him in all seriousness.

  “Shit, sorry man. That was stupid of me to say. Don’t listen to me. This one,” Paxton
says, turning to me again, “she’s got me acting all stupid,” Paxton tells him, realizing what I am realizing too – Jason lived through the ultimate heartbreak and consequences of love with his parents. When you put it in perspective this nit picking bullshit that Paxton and I are doing is just stupid. But, on the other hand, it’s just one more example of how love never works out. Even when two people are desperately in love. The pain on Jason’s face makes me turn away. It makes me feel immature and petty. I walk a few feet to where Nat and Em are sitting and join them.

  “He’s so happy to see Paxton,” Emily says with a smile, looking at Pax and Jason. “I can’t believe I ever thought Paxton was bad for Jason. He cares about that kid so much.”

  “Yeah, he does,” I reluctantly admit.

  “He deserves you, Jess,” Emily whispers. “He’s been through so much and with you he was finally happy. He deserves to be happy. And you do too.”

  I take a deep breath and try to focus on the fire and not on Paxton. Eventually I see him walking towards me. He stands in front of me before reaching down and grabbing a hold of me, pulling me from my chair before sitting down and pulling me on top of him.

  “In case you don’t get it, Pax, you don’t get to push me around like this anymore,” I angry whisper at him, my body tense in his arms.

  “Push you around? Please. You want to be on my lap almost as much as I need you here. Just chill out, okay?” he tells me, shifting his body so that I am leaned against his chest. I inhale his scent and feel my body relaxing on him. “It’s good to be back here,” he says quietly. “I can almost see why you want to stay. If this is really what you want, Jess, I’m cool with that. We can live here.”

  I laugh at his words. “I don’t want to live here, Paxton. I just want to live where you aren’t.”

  I can’t see him, but I can feel him shaking his head. “When I first rolled into this town I wouldn’t have ever figured that it would be the place where I would finally start to figure shit out. Where I would find the girl who would make everything right,” he says, blowing over the fact that I just told him the only thing I wanted was to be where he wasn’t.

  “When you rolled into town I pretty much knew, from the first second I met you, that you would be the one to destroy me.”

  “Sad, isn’t it, that I see you as the person who saved me and you look at me like I’ve destroyed you. I mean, shit… were we living in two different worlds, doing two different things? Because I’m missing something. When you are you, with me, there is nothing but perfection between us. Even here, in this town, when I was watching you with Dylan… I’d never felt so right. But now you are trying to take all that away… what we had here, what we built in Chicago… and for what? Because I had a couple of run-ins with Stella while you were gone? Because you’re scared of your mom who you are nothing like?”

  Paxton’s words are true. Or they were true. I thought they were the truth. “You don’t know her Paxton. You don’t know who she was before my dad left her.”

  “Then tell me. Make me understand so we can get past this shit. I mean, some guy leaves his wife seven years ago and my life is a living hell because of it? Why would you turn that shit on us? I’m not your dad and you’re not your mom.”

  “It’s not just my mom, Pax. It’s everyone.”

  “It’s not everyone. It’s definitely not me. What’s the point of living life if you are never going to let anyone in? I mean, is getting by, day by day, just making sure you never get too close to anyone, really living…. Is that any different than what your mom’s doing? You were just like her. Living without emotion. You were just like her until you finally let me in. Until you finally let go of all your shit and just started living with me.”

  I close my eyes and try to subdue the pain that is rising in my chest. I never looked at it that way, but he’s right. We were both just trying to live without emotion. Without feeling anything for any one. “Feeling nothing is better than feeling this,” I tell him.

  “What is this? What the hell are you feeling? ‘Cause as far as I can tell there is no reason to feel anything but fucking ecstatic. What happens when we are together is ecstasy. But you won’t let it just happen. You keep trying to fuck it all up and take it away from us.”

  “That’s not true, Pax. Since the moment I told you I was yours, that I loved you and I was willing to do this with you, all I’ve done is try to make sure you are happy. The only thing I was living for was you and your happiness. And I was cool with that. It was all I wanted. You asked me to stay in Chicago and support your music and I did. You asked me to stay home with you over Thanksgiving and Christmas and I did. You asked me to stay out of the bars and away from people and I did. When you needed me to cover up my body, or skip class, or blow things off so I could be with you, I did. Because I wanted to. Because all I wanted was to make sure we were safe and happy and the only time I’ve ever felt that way is with you, in your life. So, no, I was not trying to fuck us up. I was just trying to love you. Even when I came home, it wasn’t for Nat and it wasn’t so that I could figure out how to live without you, it was so that I could figure out how to love you right, so I could hold onto you, so you wouldn’t leave my crazy ass.

  “And you’re right - this thing between us has always been good. Our friendship, here in this town, was awesome. Our relationship in Chicago was perfect. But what do we really have? If everything comes crumbling down the minute we are separated, how concrete is this thing between us? If the second I step out of your life you change completely, then how much do I really know you? How can I put my life in the hands of someone that I don’t even know?”

  “You know me, Jessa. Don’t act like you don’t. It was the drugs. That’s not who I am. You know that. Me, high on cocaine… that’s not me. But I’m done with that shit. I know better now. If you ever leave me again I will cope better. I will stay clean. I won’t fuck shit up again. You can’t just give up. And you’re right. You do everything for me. You are my everything. If I haven’t been there for you like I should have, if you feel like our life is all about me and not about us, I get that. I’m selfish. When you told me we should have left that city, I should have listened to you. But beso, people fuck up. I fucked up. I will give up everything for you. You are the only thing that matters. What do you want, what do you need? Because I will give up everything. You are the only thing I want.”

  I’m falling for his words. I’m losing myself in the sound of his voice. I’m melting into him, but then he buries his hand in my hair and my anger and jealousy surfaces because I’m brought back to where it all started. The night I realized Stella was his first true love. I wonder what kind of words he said to Stella. When she left him for Vincent, what did he say to her to try and get her to stay? When he was inside of her, making love to her in their bed, what did he say to her? His words for me aren’t new. They are recycled.

  “Say something, beso.”

  “What did you call her?” I ask him.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Stella… what was your nick name for her? You call me beso, what did you call her?”

  “What the fuck does that have to do with anything?”

  “I’m just curious. Did you run your hands through her hair like you do to me? Did you spend your weekends in bed with her like you do with me? Did you make her come from the inside for the first time like you did with me? Did you make her promise to always remain inside of you like you did to me? Did you beg her to take you back after you went on a drug binge? Did you write songs for her? Did you tell her you would do anything for her? Did you share your life in Glencoe and Venice with her?” I sit up out of his hold and look at his eyes.

  “That’s what this is all about? You can’t let go of the fact that I was in a relationship with that girl? You’re gonna let the past come between us?” he says angrily, his eyes boring into mine.

  “It’s not the past, Paxton. And all your sweet words, all the things that you do that make me f
eel like I’m the only one, I get it now… this is just who you are in relationships. What you and I have is no different than what you had with her and what you will have with a dozen girls after me. This is exactly why I am the way I am. For me it will always and only be you. But for you, I’m just what’s happening now.”

  “You are so blind,” he tells me. “What I had with her is nothing. You know that. You’ve heard it from her damn mouth. I never loved her.”

  “You were with her for three years. I’m not stupid. Yes, shit unraveled – you cheated on her, you cared about the drugs and the music more than her, but I’m sure the first few months were just like ours have been. I’m sure you made her feel like she was the only one, like you needed her, like you were in love with her. Like you were her best friend and her partner. It’s why she didn’t let you go when you started treating her like shit. Because she knew… she knew how good it had been and that she would never love anyone like she loved you. What words did you use to get back in her bed after you fucked up? Were they any different than the words you are using on me right now?”

  “Jesus, kid, you have lost it. I never begged that girl for anything. I never wanted or needed anything from her except for her drugs. I’ve never felt like this about anyone. It’s only you. It will always be only you. Before you there was nothing to give anyone. I wasn’t even a fucking human being in that city. I was never capable of love until I found you.”

  “I don’t believe you,” I sputter, pushing my hands into his chest.

  “I fucking get that. What am I gonna do to make you believe me?”

  “Staying the hell away from her would have been a good start. But you couldn’t even do that.”

  “I did fucking do that. I already explained that shit to you. Why can’t you trust me? How could you think I would intentionally put shit with you in jeopardy to be by her? You know how she operates.”

  “I know all kinds of shit, Paxton. I’m not as stupid as you think I am,” I tell him, pushing his hands off me and standing. He stands too, hovering above me. He wraps his arms around my back and pulls me to him. I prop my hands between our bodies and push, but I can’t separate us.