Inside of You (Jessa & Paxton #2)

by Haven Francis

  Then I get to a photo of the night I was tripping in the back room of The Open Bottle and I start to hate myself. Jesus, I am so fucking stupid. Of course Jessa wants out of this shit with me. She thinks I’ve been lying to her all along. She would have no choice after looking at bullshit like this. It looks like I’m with Stella and it looks like I’m completely cool with the fact that she is snuggled up on my chest, her hands all over me. This one don’t even need captions or hashtags. Motherfucker.

  I get out of Jessa’s bed and head to the spare bedroom, throwing on my jeans and a t-shirt before heading out to my car with Jessa’s phone in my back pocket. I head to Emily’s place, thinking that’s where Jessa probably went.

  No one responds to my pounding on the cabin door, so I take the path to Emily’s grandparent’s farm. I see Emily out in the pasture with her horse. She’s alone and my heart sinks. She spots me and starts heading my way with the horse, so I meet her half way.

  “Pax, what are you doing here?” she asks confused. “Is everything all right? I texted Jess a little while ago, but I haven’t heard back. Is she okay?”

  “Jesus, no, Em. She’s not okay. Did you know about this bullshit?” I ask her, Jessa’s phone in my hand, Stella’s Instagram account opened up on it.

  “Yeah… Jessa didn’t bring it up to you?”

  “No, Em. She didn’t. She just keeps telling me she’s done with me, but doesn’t bother to mention it’s because of this bullshit. Is this why she’s doing that shit?”

  Emily bites her lip, like she’s not gonna tell me what she knows.

  “Em, she’s given me nothing. She wants us to go back to being friends. She wants me to leave her here and she wants me back in Chicago. If there is something I need to know about, if there is something I can do to convince her that I love her and I would never hurt her, you gotta help me out. I can’t lose her.”

  “Shit, Pax. What happened to her? I mean, the Jessa I know would have reamed your ass the second she found out about that disturbing account. I didn’t push her because she was trying not to upset you before your show at the Lincoln, but why is she still not talking to you about it? That’s just not like her.”

  “She didn’t ask me about this bullshit because of my show?”

  “Well yeah, Pax. I mean, she wanted you to do well. She didn’t want you to lose your focus.”

  “Who gives a shit about that fucking show? If she had been sitting here, thinking something was going on with Stella and me ever since that night at The Bottle, she should have talked to me.”

  Emily cocks her head at me. “Did you just open up the first few pictures before tearing out of wherever you were to come looking for her?”

  “What do you mean the first few pictures? What the hell else would she have pictures of? That was the first time I had seen her since Jessa left me.”

  “Did you know about her Instagram account?

  “No. I don’t know anything about her anymore. I don’t go searching for her through social media.”

  “Shit, Pax,” Emily says, shaking her head. “Danny,” Emily calls to wherever her man is on the farm.

  Like magic, he is by her side in a matter of seconds. “You okay?” he asks her.

  “Yeah, but I need to talk to Paxton for a few minutes. Can you take Winnie?”

  “Yeah, of course,” he tells her, leaning down to kiss her before taking Winnie’s reigns and walking away.

  “Come on,” Em tells me, heading towards the road. She takes a path through a small patch of trees that separates her grandparent’s land from the Donovan’s. She heads to my car and gets in on the passenger side. I get in on my side and wait to hear what kind of shit she’s gonna tell me. She pulls Jessa’s phone out of my hand and taps it a few times before handing it back to me. “This is all Jessa’s been doing since she found out about this account the first night she came back here. All she has been doing is looking at those pictures.”

  I stare at the pictures – almost all of them of Stella and I together. From day one. She literally has a picture of me from that first night I met her. Jesus. As they progress they just get worse. I’m staring at the two people in the photos wondering who the hell they are. I don’t remember being with her like this. Fuck, I mean – we look happy. Not even that, we look like we are in love. Shit, in half of them I got my hands or my mouth on her. And we are in Stella’s apartment. In her bed. Naked. And Jessa had to see this shit. Holy fuck. When that thought hits me I can’t look anymore ‘cause it’s painful. I can feel Jessa’s pain. I throw the phone up on the dash.

  “You need to look at all of them, Paxton,” Emily tells me. Apparently there are so many I couldn’t have possibly scrolled through them already.

  “I can’t look at that bullshit,” I mutter.

  “You need to, Paxton. You need to know what she’s seen so that when she is being all crazy and alluding to things you don’t think exist, you can understand.”

  “Just give me the highlights, Em. That shit makes me sick.”

  “Well obviously, based on how happy you look in the photos and the captions and hashtags, Jessa came to the conclusion that her instinct, which grew stronger every time she had to see you with Stella, was correct and that you did actually love her. In fact, she thinks Stella is the love of your life and that what you have with Jessa can’t compete with three years of Instagram photos. And if I didn’t know you, and didn’t understand what you and Jessa have, I have to admit that I would totally agree with her. You shouldn’t have pretended like you never loved Stella, that what you had with her meant nothing.”

  I lean my head against the steering wheel, wanting to disappear from Em’s honesty and reality altogether. Who fucking knew there was years of photographs of me with that girl out there? I mean, shit, if I came across that hit of Jessa with another guy I would be way more fucked up than Jessa’s been. “I never did love her, Em. I mean, shit, maybe I thought I did, but what the hell did I know? I didn’t know anything until I stepped into Jessa’s life. I don’t even remember most of that shit with Stella. I was so fucked up during those years. Most of my life with her is a blur.”

  “But you understand what it did to Jessa to see that, right? You get that she’s not being crazy and irrational.”

  “Yeah… I do.”

  “Okay. Pax, I love you and I love her, and I realize this is a lot for you to take in, but I’m going to run through the highlights of the photo’s of you two ‘living in love’.”

  “Yep,” I mutter, my head still firmly planted on the steering wheel.

  “The first picture she saw of the two of you wasn’t on Stella’s account. It was a fan picture of you two at the bar. Stella was on your lap and you guys looked happy. She probably could have dealt with that but your hand was buried in Stella’s hair and something about that set Jessa off and she ended up finding all of the rest of this crap.”

  My hand in her hair? That don’t make no sense. The only hair I’ve felt the need to touch as much as I can is Jessa’s. But, shit, I mean I probably put my hand in Stella’s hair at some point and some motherfucker caught it on his camera.

  “Obviously, Jessa hates the pictures of the two of you in bed, and she hates the abundance of pictures where you have your mouth or tongue on her…”

  “Jesus, Em,” I mutter, feeling physically sickened by her words.

  “But what hurt the most were the pictures of you just looking at Stella who is holding the camera. The look on your face. The way she thought you only looked at her.”

  “I never looked at Stella like I look at Jessa,” I mutter.

  “When you’re up to it, look through all nine hundred pictures and see for yourself. God knows Jessa’s looked at them all a million times.”

  Nine hundred pictures. Jesus. I looked at maybe ten of them before it was too much. I’m surprised Jessa didn’t just ram a fucking knife through my balls.

  “I think the deal was sealed when she found the picture of the matching tattoo you g
ot with her.”

  I sit up from the steering wheel now so I can look at Em. “What did you just say?”

  “The matching tattoo…the one of the birds.”

  I shake my head at her, completely confused.

  “Jesus, Pax,” Emily mutters, grabbing the phone of the dash and whipping her finger across the screen until she finds what she’s looking for. She hands the phone over and I look at it. Stella is on my lap, my tongue is licking her neck. I have to hold down the bile in my stomach. And then I see what Em is talking about. “What the fuck,” I mutter into the phone like it’s gonna give me answers. Stella’s got her arm propped against my back and her feather tattoo, that breaks off into black birds, aligns perfectly with my neck tattoo when she has her arm wrapped around my back. “Holy fucking shit,” I mutter.

  “Read the tags,” Emily tells me.

  I don’t want to, but I force myself to read Stella’s words. ‘Our latest tattoo,’ it says, insinuating that we not only got this one together, but that there are more. Her hash tags say, birds of a feather, flock forever, Pax and Stell, In Love Forever, Living In Love.

  I drop the phone and open my door, getting my head outside just before I spew my guts all over the Donovan’s driveway.

  #

  When I get back to Jessa’s house I’m already shaking, my whole body is vibrating. Then I see Dylan’s sad ass Corolla parked in the driveway. As I pull closer I can see Dylan propped against it, talking to Jessa who is standing in front of him, barefooted, her breasts completely obvious under her dress. My instinct is to fly out of the car and shove that asshole’s eyes into his skull but I know how unfair that is and the pain crushes my chest again when I think about the shit Stella has put Jessa through.

  I get out of the car and walk to them, shoving my hands in my pockets so that I don’t do something stupid like bust Dylan’s face or tear Jessa away from him and tell her she don’t get to talk to him anymore.

  “Where were you?” Jessa asks me when I’m next to her.

  “I was looking for you.”

  “Do you have my phone?”

  I pull it out of my back pocket and hand it over. She palms it then re-crosses her arms over her stomach.

  “What’s he doing here?”

  “He came to pick me up, to bring me back to Chicago.”

  “Did you tell him you no longer need his services?” I ask thorough clenched teeth.

  “I don’t know what I’m doing, but even if I’m leaving that city I need to get my stuff out of Vi’s place. So no, I didn’t tell him I don’t need his services.”

  I take a step towards her, trying to keep in mind the things Jessa has seen. “If you’re going back there, I’m taking you. And if you decide you’re coming back here, I’ll bring you back. I go where you go.”

  Dylan clears his throat.

  “I think it will be better if I ride with him. I can’t think right now. I can’t think clearly when I’m around you and then the second I step away from you everything is so obvious, the truth is so clear. I just… I need to think, Pax.”

  I step closer to her and she tries to step away but I reach out and snag her around her waist. “I saw that shit on your phone, Jessa. It’s not real. None of that bullshit that she put on there is real.”

  Jessa’s eyes go wide before they pinch shut. She tries to push out of my arms, but I’m not letting her go. “Paxton, please. I don’t want to hear about it. I don’t want to hear your lies anymore. You need to let me go.”

  I grab her chin and bring her eyes to mine. “It’s not real. That was never us.”

  Jessa’s jaw goes tense under my hand. “How stupid do you think I am,” she whispers. “Take your hands off me.”

  “I’m not letting you leave with him.”

  “It’s not up to you,” she says slapping at my arm. I release her face but not her body.

  “Don’t be an asshole, Paxton. She told you to let her go. Her bag’s packed, we’re ready to roll so take your hand off her – she’s leaving with me.”

  I breathe in and out of my nose, fighting to keep my focus on Jessa and attempting to ignore him. I shift my eyes to him and the keys he’s holding. I rip them out of his hand and let Jessa go so I can head to his trunk. I get it open and get her suitcase out before going back for her.

  “Paxton, don’t,” Jessa tells me with pain in her eyes. “Don’t do this.”

  “I told you, beso, you’re not getting rid of me. I’ll wait for you. I don’t care where, but you’re not going anywhere with him.” I toss the keys at Dylan, tell him to have a safe trip, then I grab a hold of Jessa’s hand and drag her to my car.

  I manage to ignore her protests as I throw her suitcase in my backseat and get her into the car. I flip Dylan off then get in myself and start driving so that she can’t decide to jump out on me. “So back to Chicago? Are you sure? ‘Cause I’m not letting you live anywhere but with me, in our room.” I look over at Jessa, prepared to go at it with her for the next six hours if that’s what I have to do, but she doesn’t look like she’s gearing up to fight with me. She’s got her head leaned back against the headrest and her eyes are staring out the side window. Her face is completely blank – dead. The fight leaves me, the adrenaline flows out of me and I just want to take her hurt away but I don’t know if that’s possible. There is nothing I can do to help her forget all of that shit she saw. “Why didn’t you tell me about those pictures? Why didn’t you talk to me about it?”

  “What’s the point, Paxton? They already told me everything I needed to know,” she tells me with no emotion in her voice.

  “Which is?”

  “All the shit I’ve already told you, Paxton. I’m so tired of talking about it.”

  I want to tell her, again, that I never loved Stella, but I don’t know if I can, not after what I saw. After Emily left me, I flipped through as many of those photos as I could. I couldn’t help but see what Jessa would have, rather than the truth. “When Stella got that tattoo I didn’t even know about it. I wasn’t with her. It never occurred to me that she did it as some sort of extension of my own. I never saw any of those pictures. I had no clue she was doing that.”

  “I believe you, Paxton. I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Every picture she put on there was just like the tattoo one – staged, one-sided, skewed, a lie.”

  Jessa lets out a disbelieving huff of breath and I know I sound like I’m making excuses. Like I’m lying to her, trying to downplay what Stella and I had. “You look at those pictures and you see two people who are happy – in love. And that’s all you see. You don’t see pictures of me sleeping on the couch. You don’t see us with the multiple partners we both had when we were with each other. You don’t see us living separate lives in that apartment which is how it was most of the time. You don’t see her screaming at me, trying to fight with me, which she did – all the time. You don’t see the truth. All you see are isolated moments when things were okay. But hell, Jessa, I don’t even remember that shit – I don’t know who those people in those photos are. I don’t know who I am when I’m fucked up on drugs like I was in most of those pictures. Those pictures aren’t of me and they aren’t of who we were.”

  “Really, Paxton.” She’s angry, but at least she’s talking. “All nine hundred pictures were lies? Nine hundred staged moments? Nine hundred pictures of you fucked up and not realizing that your mouth and hands are all over her? Fuck off.”

  “You think if Dylan carried a camera with him for the year you two were together he couldn’t pull off nine hundred pictures of you with your hands and mouth on him, huh? You think he couldn’t have attached fucked up words to those pictures and made it seem like you guys were deliriously in love? You think he couldn’t have taken pictures of you naked, in his bed, smiling? Hell, I could have taken the fucking pictures for him because I watched it. I got to see with my own fucking eyes- his hands and lips on you, his fingers running through your hair, your lips and hands on him, you l
ooking at him like you were gonna fuck him all night long. I get it Jess, I get how bad it hurts to see the person that you love be in love with someone else. But the things is Jessa, I understand that it’s all a matter of perception. I get that you never really loved him and that there is no way you could have ever had with him what you have with me. So I can forget about it. I know he doesn’t matter to you and therefore he doesn’t have to matter to me. But you… you let that girl into your head. You let her create something that never existed and you are letting her take me from you and it’s fucked up.”

  Jessa turns her head to me now, her turquoise eyes looking like little girl eyes. Looking for the truth, trying to figure out if she can trust. Looking for guidance. Begging for help. “You might be right, Paxton. I don’t know. But the fact is that this week has changed me. It’s not just the pictures. It’s the way you lived without me. It’s the detachment from my days spent not talking to you. It’s how easily you changed into someone else. It’s Emily and Natalie and their totally normal, functional relationships. It’s being back in that house with my mom and Dean. The fact that I so easily dropped out of my classes and the fact that I really don’t give a shit about going back because I can’t see my future. It’s the words my mom shouted at me through her tears. It’s the memories of my life spent in that house and the reminders of why I was the way I was before you. It’s just too much, Paxton. Everything is too much right now. I just need to breath.”

  I reach out and run my fingers down her face. “I know, beso. It’s a lot. I want to let you breathe… I do. But I can’t be separated from you again. You’re going to have to find a way to breath with me. I can sit here silently. I can keep my mouth off you. I can do anything you ask me to, but I can’t leave you. I can’t be away from you anymore. Things get too fucked up when we’re apart.”