She shakes her head, and the look in her eyes is something that tears me apart because I truly never meant to hurt her. ‘I don’t think you ever will be. Because you won’t let yourself.’ She turns to go, but then she slowly swings back around and this time the look in her eyes is more defiant. ‘Word of advice, Neal. Don’t use people as crutches. Don’t use people to prop you up, it really isn’t fair.’
‘Helen, baby, I’m so sorry…’
She shakes her head again, her eyes still boring into mine. ‘I’m going back to the apartment, to collect my things. I think it’s best I do that while you’re here.’
‘Helen, please…’
‘You’re killing yourself, Neal. By doing this, by allowing yourself to feel this way you’re killing yourself. And you deserve so much more than that. You deserve so much more than her.’
I throw back my head and breathe in deep as another part of my fucked-up life crumbles around me. And she’s right, I am weak. But I just can’t fight it. Kira Blu walks into a room and I am dead, that’s the way it’s always been. It’s the way it always will be. So I have two options here: either I resume the fight, or I get as far away from Kira and any connection to her as soon as I can.
Neither will be easy.
But I’ve got to make a choice.
A decision.
I’ve got to do something…
Six
Kira
I wasn’t ready for this. I wasn’t prepared. Thinking I was, assuming I could do this after what I thought was enough time away from him; I was wrong. Because the second his piercing blue eyes meet mine I feel like someone’s punched me so hard I’m almost fighting for breath. And I squeeze Jon’s hand and I pray to God that he’ll say something and make me realise that all I’m feeling here is a faint rush of nostalgia for a life I never really got around to living.
‘Kira?’
I turn to look at the man I’m about to marry in just a matter of weeks. It’s almost the beginning of a brand new year, and I’m on the threshold of a wonderful, beautiful new life and I need to cling on to that because everything else – it wasn’t real. It wasn’t. It was fun and dangerous and exciting but, it wasn’t real. This, what I have with Jon, that’s real. That’s something that is going to last. And it may not be a life that makes my heart race faster every day; it may not be the kind of life that leaves me breathless or excited all of the time but it’s real. And that’s what I need now. I need real.
‘Don’t let him do this to us, kid.’
I rest my hand against his cheek and smile, leaning in to kiss him gently, and I pray that I’ll feel that heat, that rush of something utterly overwhelming but it doesn’t come. And I don’t even think I needed it before, we were fine – before. For over a year I’ve been happy and settled and content with everything I had. All I’d ever wanted was Jon. All I’d ever wanted was a life with him. But then Kris arrived, and with him he brought another dose of gut-wrenching reality; his appearance has made me remember why I’d needed to leave that old life behind and find something new, something different. And I just don’t know whether going back to the old has been the best thing for anyone, no matter how much I still thought I loved Jon. No matter how much he still thinks he loves me.
‘He isn’t doing anything, Jon.’
And he isn’t. This is all on me.
And I know I should ignore it.
I know I should forget and move on.
But I know now that the one thing that had really been helping me move on was the one thing I walked away from…
Neal
I don’t know if I should go after her – Helen. I don’t know if losing her is what I really want. Because, when Kira leaves New York and heads back to Maine I’m gonna be alone again, and I’m not sure I can face that. And then I almost laugh at the fact I even thought that, Jesus, am I really that selfish that I’d consider spouting Helen more crap about how I really am over Kira this time and this was nothing more than a blip that I honestly, truly can deal with now? I told myself I had to make a choice, didn’t I? And none of those choices involve Helen. I think even she finally realises she can’t be with me now, she deserves more than that. More than me. So I have to make my choice.
I lean back against the wall, my eyes fixed on Kira as she finally lets go of Jon and turns to her brother, leaning in to him as they talk. Watching their body language, she doesn’t seem in any way uncomfortable with him considering they haven’t seen each other in such a long time. But there still seems to be a part of her that comes across as a touch wary, which is unsurprising, considering the way she led me to believe her family treated her. And once again I feel as if there’s just too much of this woman I still don’t know about, but, instead of that making me want to back away, all it does is intrigue me. Yes, she lied, she kept secrets; she shut me out of so much that was important in her life, but there were reasons. I still don’t really know Kira Blu, because we never had the time it takes to truly get beneath someone’s skin. But I want to know her. I want to know everything. I want us to spend a night having the kind of mind-blowing sex we got so used to, and then I want to sit up until the sun rises and talk, about everything, until there isn’t a thing left in her world I don’t know about.
I want that.
It’s gonna happen.
If it freaking kills me…
Kira
‘I’m sorry. For turning up like this, out of the blue. Must have been pretty tough, huh? Me just walking into the bar like that. And I never meant to…’
‘Kris, it’s OK. Really.’ I look at my brother and throw him a small smile. ‘I think I needed the wake-up call.’
He takes off his jacket and slips it around my shoulders as we stand on Joey and Benni’s terrace, staring out over the most stunning view of Manhattan.
‘I used to have a view like this,’ I say quietly, pulling his jacket tighter around my shoulders as the cold night air hits me. ‘When I lived here.’
‘With Neal?’
I look at him again, but there’s no smile this time. ‘Yeah. With Neal.’
He reaches out and takes my hand, squeezing it gently. ‘Things could have been so much easier kiddo.’
‘Don’t go there, Kris. Do you not think I’ve gone over all the what ifs a thousand times since I ran? It doesn’t do any good. What happened, it happened, and I can’t change any of it.’
‘But we can start to put some of it right.’
I drop my gaze, staring down at his hand holding mine. ‘I don’t want to see them,’ I whisper, and he squeezes my hand again. ‘I can’t do it, Kris.’
‘It’ll break their hearts, especially Dad’s.’
‘That’s not my problem. It’s hardly like I was ever a daddy’s girl is it?’
‘He made mistakes, kid. And he knows that.’
‘We all made mistakes.’
‘And maybe it’s time to right some of them, huh?’
I shake my head. ‘Some of them can’t be righted. Some things are too far gone to ever be put right.’ I look back up, and his expression is one of resignation. He knows, that he can’t win this one. I’m stubborn now, and I never used to be, but a lot’s changed since he last saw me. ‘I know I made it quite clear, by running like I did, by leaving no clues as to where I’d gone… I know I made it all very clear, but, I think somewhere, deep in my heart, I always hoped there’d be some kind of sign that you were looking for me. That you’d at least made some kind of attempt to see if I was OK.’
‘Would it have changed anything? If that had happened?’
I shrug and keep my eyes down, I can’t look at him just yet. ‘I don’t know. It didn’t happen, so…’ I shrug again, and I don’t finish the sentence. It’s a pointless conversation, and one that isn’t going to change the situation.
He squeezes my hand again, and he stays silent for a beat or two; we just stare back out at the view in silence. ‘It was extremely brave, Kira. What you did.’ He looks back at me, and his eyes are t
ired and worn and I feel guilty, for all the crap I put everyone through, and yet, I know I’m not finished yet. This isn’t finished yet, but it will be. Soon. Because I don’t think anyone can take much more. ‘Talking to the police, telling them what you did. That took guts.’
‘No, Kris, what took guts is what Gail did – telling someone what that bastard did to her, that’s brave. I took the coward’s way out. I ran. And it’s my fault she had to go through what she did. If I’d just been strong and brave enough to tell someone, anyone, what he’d done to me… But I ran. And that’s what cowards do. They run.’
He pulls me into his arms again and once more I cling on to him, because, for all the shit he’s brought with him, I’m glad he’s here. I may be struggling with how I feel about my parents, but seeing Kris has made me realise how much I still love him; how much I need him back in my life.
‘You’re not a coward, Kira. You really aren’t.’ He kisses the top of my head and holds me away from him slightly, looking right into my eyes. ‘You ran because you needed to. You dealt with everything in the only way you knew how and nobody can blame you for that.’
‘I can’t go back, Kris. To any of it.’
He frowns, and that’s probably because he doesn’t get the full meaning of what I’m saying here. I can’t go back – to any of it; to that time, to that kind of life, to anything that reminds me of everything that happened. I can’t go back. And yet, that’s exactly what I’d started to do. I’d let myself gravitate back there because the man I have loved for so long – he came back, but he was a part of it. That life. And I can’t go back there. And it’s a painful, heartbreaking realisation, but I’m saying the words and I mean them. All of them. I mean them, even though saying them hurts like hell.
‘I can’t go back,’ I whisper.
And maybe this includes him, too. My beautiful brother. He’s a part of that life, that past, the one I can’t go back to, so this includes him, too. Doesn’t it?
‘I can’t.’
He strokes my cheek and I stare up into his eyes and I wish with all my breaking heart that things could be different, that they had been different, but they weren’t. They’re not.
And now I know that I can’t go back…
Neal
As soon as I step out on to the terrace I see her, in the arms of her brother, and when she pulls away and her eyes meet mine once again, I’m lost. It’s like she looks at me and everything else, everything I know and perceive as real just falls away, leaving me with nothing but this alternate reality she emits whenever she’s around me.
I watch as she says something to her brother and he walks away, throwing me a quick look as he passes me; a look I can’t read but it wasn’t something that told me to back off. I’m not sure they’re back at that stage in their brother/sister relationship where she’ll allow him to ever do that. So I don’t think he’s warning me off. Her fiancé, on the other hand, he has every right to do that. But he isn’t out here.
I close the French doors behind me and move a little closer towards her. I can smell her perfume before I’m anywhere near her; that heady, musky scent that used to set my pulse racing and it’s no different now. My heart’s beating faster the closer I get and I know nothing’s changed in my world. It never changed. From the second she walked away from me I only wanted this day to arrive. It was all I’d ever hoped for. But I have no idea how it’s gonna pan out. I have no idea what she’s gonna say. No idea what I’m gonna do.
And then I’m there, right in front of her, and for a few, brief seconds we just look at each other, and then I feel it – that spark, that pull, that intense, painful attraction that never, ever went away. And I’m kissing her, before I even get a chance to take another breath I’ve pushed her back against the wall and we’re kissing like tomorrow’s never fucking coming. And she’s pulling at my shirt and my hand’s pushing her dress up over her thighs and I literally tear her panties from her, tossing them aside like a used rag as her legs wind around me and I push inside her. I’m back inside my baby girl, and I can’t explain the relief, I just thrust and pound into her in case this is nothing more than a cruel dream and when I wake up she isn’t really here; we aren’t really doing this. And I kiss her, to muffle her cries, to soften her moans, but I feel them, they’re vibrating through into me, fuelling that need I have to consume her, totally. It’s filling me up until I have no choice but to let it all out, and as I come in a torrent of suppressed cries she digs her fingers into my skin and pushes against me, taking me deep, and it’s the most incredible feeling. But we’re not done. This isn’t over.
I pull out of her and put her down, and once again we look at each other, and know that no words need to be spoken. Not yet. I just sink to my haunches as she takes hold of the hem of her dress, keeping it hitched high above her thighs and she gasps quietly as I touch her, as I pull her labia apart and cover her soaking wet clit with my mouth. The taste of her is overwhelming, and it’s bringing a million and one memories racing back to the forefront of my messed-up mind as she whispers to me to probe harder, go deeper, and I don’t argue. I pull her farther apart and sink my tongue into her, and I feel her knees almost buckle as I do that but she keeps her balance, keeps her dress hitched high as I suck and lick and taste her. And when she comes she cries out quietly, her knees once more almost giving way as her body jerks with the weight of the orgasm I’ve brought her to. And I take her, all of her, loving the way she pushes down onto me, the way I can feel her hot and wet against my skin.
Pulling away from her I wipe my mouth and chin with my forearm, reaching into my pocket for a handkerchief to wipe the last remnants of her from my face, but I can still taste her. And I want that. I want to lie in bed tonight and still feel her coming in my mouth; hot and wet and beautiful.
I stand up, and she takes my face in her hands and guides me towards her, kissing me gently, her tongue touching my lips as licks herself off me and I groan quietly because my cock’s still hard, there’s no let-up there.
And then she smiles and pulls back and she begins to walk away, looking back over her shoulder at me and I know – I just know. And I can’t help smiling, too…
Seven
Kira
I don’t know what I’ve just done. It was like something or someone else had taken over every cell in my body the second we were alone. And what happened next, I had no control over it, I just knew I had to have him. That pull, that connection, it’s still there. It never went away, I’d just tried to convince myself it was nothing, that it didn’t matter. But it did matter; it does matter. Because he touched me, and I felt alive, all over again. He touched me and he woke me up, he pulled me back to a reality I refused to acknowledge was real. And I regret that it happened, that I let it happen, like this, when hurting people is all this is going to achieve. But at the same time, I know what’s got to happen now. I can’t lie, to myself or to anyone else.
I run straight to the bathroom, and curse quietly under my breath that it has to be Joey who’s on his way out as I approach. And all it takes is one look at me and he drags me off down the hallway until we reach what I assume is his and Benni’s bedroom. The huge walk-in closet is the giveaway.
‘Alright, missy. Talk.’
I run my fingers through my hair and lean back against the wall, trailing a hand over my thigh where just minutes earlier Neal’s fingers had dug just a little too deep, the tiny red marks still slightly visible. ‘I’m in trouble, Joey.’
He perches on the edge of the dressing table that runs the entire length of the wall and folds his arms, his gaze never leaving mine. ‘Blue Eyes, huh?’
I nod, breaking the stare to glance down at the floor, my bright pink nail varnish a stark contrast to the dark grey carpet. ‘Yeah. Blue Eyes.’
‘This was always going to happen, Kira. Wasn’t it? Be honest, angel. It was always going to happen.’
I slowly raise my head, my eyes once more locking with his.
‘You were alwa
ys going to come to my wedding, he was always going to come to my wedding, so this, it was always going to happen.’
I cock my head and frown.
‘Look, angel, all that white picket fence and small-town-girl crap you were trying to spin, that never did sit right with me.’
My frown deepens, and I don’t know why I suddenly feel a touch defensive, but I kind of do. Because he’s hit a nerve?
‘It isn’t you. It doesn’t suit you. You were never exactly ‘Little House on the Prairie’ before, were you? And you’re not cut out to be that way now.’
‘Would you prefer it if I dressed in next to nothing and worked the streets in the evenings?’
‘You’re just being facetious now.’
‘I’m was happy, Joey. Alright?’
‘And that’s all I ever wanted for you, angel. But are you still happy? Hmm? With Jon? When you wake up every morning does your heart race and your skin prickle with excitement when he touches you? When he kisses you? Does it?’
‘Joey, I…’ I’m not exactly sure what he’s doing here, and it’s confusing me slightly. I wasn’t actually expecting this.
‘Does he make you feel the way Neal made you feel just minutes ago when you let him fuck you out there on my terrace?’
‘Joey!’
‘Come on, Kira. I’ve seen that look before. You’re all flushed and ever-so-slightly ruffled, and I recognise it, OK? That’s post-Blue Eyes sex that is.’
‘Jesus…’
‘You know, I’m not even worried that this has a very strong chance of creating dinner party entertainment I could well do without tonight, on the eve of my wedding. I just want you to finally make a choice. To look at what really makes you happy… What do you really want, Kira? The love of your life, or the life you love? Because I’m not sure you can have both.’
Surrender (Forbidden #3) Page 5
