‘I don’t need that excitement anymore.’
He raises an eyebrow and purses his lips, like he always does when he knows I’m not telling him the truth.
‘I don’t, Joey.’
He lets out a frustrated sigh, and I kind of feel like doing the same. All of a sudden a wave of confusion has swamped me, overtaking everything and I just don’t know – I don’t know what I really want. The love of my life, or the life I love. Because I really can’t have both, Joey’s right. I can’t. But no matter what he thinks, he’s only ever seen the outer edges of my life every time he and Benni visited me and Jon in Maine. He doesn’t get to see what goes on behind closed doors; the nights of crazy sex and dirty games I play with my handsome fiancé. It may look like it’s all wholesome and nice but underneath it all I’m still Kira Blu. She just doesn’t come out to play as often as she used to. She doesn’t do public performances anymore.
‘Are you really happy, Kira?’
Joey looks at me as he repeats his question, and the concern on his face unsettles me slightly. He really thinks I’m not happy with Jon? I’m happy, with Jon. I loved him for so long, and being with him was all I ever wanted for a huge part of my life. Before I met Neal Cannon. And yes, he came back, and he stirred up all those old feelings, all that love and pain and hurt and I still loved him. Still wanted him. But then Kris appeared. And I came back to New York. And this happened…
‘You have to make a choice, Kira. And you have to make it now. Because you aren’t being fair, to either of them. To yourself. It isn’t fair to play this game anymore. You have to make a choice.’
He’s right. I know he’s right. But that doesn’t make anything any easier.
‘And it would drive me mad, I have to say. If I had to live there permanently. I mean, don’t get me wrong, angel, that house of yours is beautiful, but… I really couldn’t live with that peace and isolation on a permanent basis.’
I look at Joey through slightly narrowed eyes. ‘Well, it’s lucky you don’t have to, then, isn’t it?’
‘Are you telling me there isn’t even the smallest part of you that wants to come back to New York and live a little?’
‘Joey…’
‘I don’t want you doing anything you’re going to regret, kiddo. OK? So I’m going to push you and push you until you allow yourself to admit what you really, truly want.’
‘You think I’m going to regret marrying Jon?’
‘I didn’t say that.’
‘It’s what you meant.’
‘Don’t put words in my mouth, Kira.’
‘It’s what you meant.’
He stares at me, and I know – I can tell, he’s fighting it, but he’s going to say it anyway. ‘I just think… now that the wedding’s getting closer, are you sure this is what you want?’
‘I want him.’
‘Do you?’
I can’t say anything. All of a sudden the words won’t come, my mouth’s gone dry and I feel just a little bit sick.
‘Do you want him, Kira? Like you want Neal? Or do you just want the safety and familiarity that Jon can give you? Is that the Kira I know? The one who wants to feel safe and comfortable?’
‘I love him, Joey. I lost him, twice over, and I don’t know if I can face losing him again.’
‘What’s he really offering you, angel? A steady life, a…’
‘I thought you liked him.’
‘I do. I think he’s a good man, a man who could look after you; a man who could give you everything you want but… I don’t think that’s what you need. And I don’t think it’s what you want, not deep down inside. I just think you got scared, of what you were feeling for Neal. And when Jon came back on the scene and offered you that safe and comfortable life you’d once dreamed of… You’d moved past that, Kira. You’d left that behind and you’d changed.’
I hate him for this, I really do. He’s not supposed to do this. He’s supposed to be my best friend, and I need his support, I don’t need this.
‘You still have feelings for him, don’t you? For Neal?’
I stare down at my left hand, at my engagement ring, and I remember how I’d felt when Jon had slipped that ring on my finger. I’d felt happy and loved and… I hadn’t felt excited. And once more that painful realisation slams into me with a force that leaves me winded.
‘Neal was my beautiful escape,’ I whisper, my eyes still focused on my engagement ring.
‘I know he was, Kira.’
‘And we were good together. We were, and I really thought… I thought I loved him. I wasn’t lying when I told him that. I just…’ I throw back my head and sigh quietly, and I’m unable to keep the frustration out of that sigh. ‘He deserves better than me.’
‘Oh, stop with the self-pity, Kira, it never did suit you. He’s hardly been an innocent himself, stringing that poor girl along all this time when it’s been quite obvious to everyone around him that his heart was never in that relationship.’
I drop my head again, my fingers now twisting my engagement ring round and round my finger.
‘He’s just been waiting for you to come back. Because he knew you would.’
I look up at him, frowning slightly.
‘You knew you would, kiddo.’
‘I…’ I shake my head. ‘No, Joey, I didn’t.’
‘Are you coming home, Kira?’
My frown deepens, and I know what he’s doing now and it scares me, but I think I need this. I think I need to face up to this, before I make a mistake. Another mistake. And I’ve made enough of those, I really don’t need to make any more.
‘I can’t do this to him, Joey. To Jon. I can’t do it again.’
But I have to. I know that, so I don’t know why I’m making this worse than it needs to be.
‘So, you’re going to, what? Stay with him because you don’t want to hurt him?’
‘I still love him. I’ve always loved him.’
‘I know, babe. I know you love him, I can see it, when I look at you together. And he loves you, too, but you can’t stay with someone to keep them happy. You can’t do that, angel. It isn’t fair on you, or them.’ He walks over to me and I look up at him. ‘Listen, Kira, I know how hard this must be, but you took one look at Neal tonight, and you felt that connection. You felt it, right?’
I nod slowly, and I feel a pain so real and so raw tear through me; a guilt so deep and vast I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it.
‘You and Jon, you tried. You took that chance and you gave it a go; you tried. But it didn’t work out, OK?’
‘I really don’t want to hurt him, Joey. I don’t want to hurt anyone.’
‘Then leave him. Before you do.’
‘Now? Tonight? Before your wedding? I… Jesus, Joey…’
I close my eyes and take a run of deep breaths as I feel my stomach contract in waves of nerves and nausea and panic. I feel sick, and slightly out of it; like all of this is happening to someone else and I’m just watching. I’m certainly not controlling it.
‘I want to see my brother.’
My voice is quiet, but I’m almost resigned now, to what I have to do. I’ve all but accepted the choice I’ve had to make. It’s just been too quick, that’s all. Everything, it’s all happened too fast and I need it to slow down, just a little bit. I need to catch my breath and make sure that this decision I’m about to make, I need to make sure it’s the right one.
‘I need to see Kris.’
‘Do you want me to go get him?’
I nod, and as he leaves me on my own I sink to the floor and pull my knees to my chest, hugging them to me as I stare blankly at the wall opposite, the slivers of silver strands in the dark grey and black wallpaper quite mesmerising. But then I hear the door open and close and I glance up as Kris sits down beside me, mirroring my stance.
‘Y’know, I remember when Jon came to the village. How he turned all the girls’ heads because he was so different to all the other boys. And when he got that mo
torbike…’ He laughs quietly and bows his head and I can’t help but smile slightly at the memory of Jon’s red and black Yamaha. ‘He used to ride it through the village, much to his parents’ – and everyone else’s parents’, come to think of it – annoyance. Remember?’
I nod. ‘I rode pillion, once. He took me out of the village and along this quiet country road he used to use when he wanted to get some speed up. Dad was beyond furious when he found out, but he never really said anything much, because he didn’t want to rock the boat with Jon’s parents.’ It’s my turn to bow my head. ‘And that was the problem all along, wasn’t it? Nobody wanted to rock the boat.’
‘Kira…’
‘I have to leave the past behind once and for all, Kris.’
‘And that includes me, does it?’
I raise my head and our eyes lock.
‘Don’t do this to me, kiddo. Please. It doesn’t have to be this way.’
I lean in to him and he slides an arm around my shoulder and pulls me closer and I snuggle in against him. ‘I can’t stay with him, Kris. With Jon. I can’t stay with him. Not now.’
‘Because he’s part of the past?’
‘Because of so many things.’
‘Is this my fault? Me turning up like this?’
I hug his waist tight, clenching his shirt between my fingers because I’m still trying to believe he’s really here. ‘When you turned up I… it brought back a lot of memories. And a lot of them I didn’t want to remember, but... I’ve been running for too long, Kris. I found what I was looking for, but I let myself become distracted when Jon turned up. I let myself think that going back was the only way I could move forward but I was wrong. I need to stand still. For once in my life I need to stand still.’
He kisses the top of my head and rubs my shoulder and I just want to stay here, with him, like this. I don’t want to move, don’t want to face what I have to do next. But I know I have to. I can’t let this go on. It’s gone on long enough, and now it’s time to surrender. To everything.
It’s time to wave that white flag, and surrender…
Neal
I should have expected it, should have seen it coming, but when he flies at me, pushing me back against the wall so hard I feel a very real shot of pain tear through me, I’m still somewhat shocked.
‘You’re really gonna take her from me, huh?’
He’s so close to me I can smell the stale cigarette smoke and alcohol on his breath, but can I blame him? For feeling this way? No, I can’t. Because I know exactly how he feels. I’ve been there. I’ve felt it, that pain, that frustration; I’ve fucking felt it, so I know how he’s feeling. And I can’t blame him.
‘It’s not my decision to make, Jon.’
He glares at me, his eyes burning into mine with an overwhelming intensity. And then he just lets go and steps back from me, an almost defeated look sweeping over his face. He’s tired, I get that. The fighting, it’s exhausting. And this fight has been fucking hard, but it’s coming to an end, I can feel it. We’re gonna get a winner.
‘It’s not my decision to make,’ I repeat, and I look at him, right at him, and I feel his despair seep through into me. Does he already know the outcome? Has he sensed that air of inevitability?
He sinks to his haunches and bows his head, clasping his hands between his knees. ‘I know.’ He stands back up and pushes both hands through his hair, a deep sigh of frustration wracking his entire body. ‘And I understand, y’know?’ He looks right at me, and I don’t know what to feel now. Everything’s so surreal and strange and uncertain. ‘I understand, why this has happened. Why she’s gonna choose you, because she will. She already has. She chose you the second we stepped off that plane… no. No, she chose you sooner than that. She chose you the second her brother turned up and reminded her of everything she didn’t want to go back to. And that includes me. She doesn’t want to go back, to me, not anymore.’ He shrugs, and again I feel his frustration at being part of a fight you stand no chance of winning. Like I said, I’ve been there. But now I might have that second chance I’ve been dreaming of since the day she left New York. ‘She doesn’t want to go back, and I understand.’
‘She hasn’t come to me yet, Jon.’
He nods, and the smile he gives me is one of resignation. He’s accepting defeat before it’s been handed out. ‘She will. She’ll come to you, and I get it, I do. I get it. Because I can’t give her what you can.’ He shakes his head, his eyes down on the ground. ‘I can’t do it.’
‘I’m sorry,’ I whisper, because I can’t seem to make my voice go any higher. ‘I’m really sorry, that things have turned out this way. That people got hurt and…’
‘Just treat her well, OK? Make her happy. Keep her safe.’
‘That’s a given.’
He smiles again, and digs his hands in his pockets as he turns to go without another word. I think we’ve said all there is to say now.
‘That’s a given,’ I whisper to myself as I’m left alone outside. And I wait.
For her to come to me.
For us to start a life together.
Finally.
I wait…
Eight
Kira
I look up as he walks into the room, his hands in his pockets, his eyes locked on mine. And I feel all kinds of pain, emotions I didn’t even know existed crashing into one other as he comes closer, and as much as I want this all to go away and leave us alone, it isn’t going to. We took our chance, and I’d really thought it was working, but in reality it was just too late.
He stops in front of me and tucks a finger under my chin, kissing me gently, and I feel my breath catch in my throat as it tightens and I have to really dig deep to stop the tears from falling. The mess we caused, it never went away, it just got bigger, more dangerous, and it’s time to end it now; to stop it from spreading once and for all because none of us have really been able to move on, no matter how much we might think we have. It’s all just been pretend; make believe. Denial. We took our chance. But it was just too late.
‘I’m so sorry, Jon.’
He shakes his head and drops his gaze and I feel like the past twelve months have been nothing more than a dream. But maybe Joey’s right – as much as I loved our new life, could I really have stuck it out forever? Was I really going to be happy serving burgers and bringing up kids; planning play dates and back yard barbecues? For a while, yeah, maybe. For a while it sounded like a beautiful idea. Something normal. Something ordinary. For a while, it sounded perfect. Ordinary, it was good. For a while. But I never really did do normal. I just needed to try it, to know how it felt; to know I couldn’t do it forever.
‘We tried, Kira.’
He looks up, and his eyes once more lock with mine and I know that, despite this being a decision that makes my heart break a million times over, it’s the right thing to do. And maybe we could’ve made this work by moving farther away, going back to the UK, leaving Neal and anything connected to him as far away as possible. But I don’t think it would have mattered how far away from Neal Cannon I was. He came into my life, and he never really left it. He isn’t going to. And I don’t think I love him, I don’t. I can’t, not yet. What I thought was love – it wasn’t that, but it was something. And I need that something; I need him. I need someone who never knew Kate; never knew that life.
‘We tried, kid.’
I reach out and gently touch his cheek, smiling slightly, and he covers my hand with his, his fingers curling around mine and I close my eyes and enjoy that feeling of safety and familiarity. Because I’m about to leave it behind, for good this time.
‘I’m just sorry I couldn’t be him, Kira.’
I shake my head and kiss him lightly, and his hand slides into the small of my back and pushes me against him and he holds me. He just holds me, and I lie against him, keeping my eyes closed as we just stand there and cling on to the last few minutes of our life together; a life that’s being ripped away from us far too fast. The
dream is coming to an end; a sudden, painful end and there’s still a part of me that doesn’t want to let it go. But there’s a bigger part that knows I have to. I don’t want normal, I know that now. I’d moved too far, changed too much, and what I once thought I wanted more than anything, I don’t want that anymore. I don’t want it forever. I want excitement, risk; I want uncertainty and danger. I want to wake up each day after just a few hours sleep and not know what’s going to happen. I want Neal Cannon.
‘I never stopped loving you, Jon. I want you to know that. I never, ever stopped loving you. But the mess we made, I think it was just too big to ever put right.’
He grips my hand tighter and rests his forehead against mine. ‘Do you love him?’
‘No.’
‘Do you think you ever will?’
‘I don’t know. What I have with him it’s – it’s something different, something that doesn’t necessarily mean I have to love him, like I love you. But I need him, Jon. Because he isn’t you. He’s so far away from you, and I think that’s what I need.’
He pulls me back against him and once more we just hold each other, a heavy silence filling the room and I honestly feel like I’m finally waking up after the longest sleep; the most vivid dream. But now reality waits for me. And I’m grabbing it, and this time I’m never letting go.
‘We’re dismantling an entire life we’ve built up for ourselves, Kira.’
‘I know,’ I whisper, and I feel a rush of guilt surge forward. He should never have come back. He should never have kept on looking for me. He should never have put himself through this. And I shouldn’t have let him. ‘I know.’
I pull away from him and step back, my eyes down on the floor, my arms folded against myself. The guilt’s too much now, I can’t even look at him.
‘Are you going to stay? In Maine?’
‘Yes. Kira, look at me, darlin’. Come on.’
Surrender (Forbidden #3) Page 6
