I slowly raise my head and I can’t believe we’re doing this. Two days ago I thought we were settled. I thought our life was almost perfect; that we were going to get married and live the kind of happily-ever-after we’d always talked about. I was happy. I was in love. And yet now we’re standing here, in Joey’s bedroom, saying goodbye. It’s too quick, too sudden, but it’s happening. The arrival of my brother has caused a whirlwind of events that nobody saw coming, but they’re happening. And we can’t stop them.
‘I love that life, kid. I love our life. So I’m gonna keep on living it.’
My eyes dip back to the floor, and I really don’t know what to say now. Sorry isn’t enough. Goodbye is too painful.
‘It’s changed you too much, Kira, I get that now.’
I look back up at him, and he holds out his hand and I take it, letting him pull me back into his arms.
‘It’s changed you too much.’
We can’t even stay friends. The situation we’ve created, the mess we’ve made; we can’t even be friends. We need to cut those ties forever now. We need to walk away and never, ever look back and that’s hard for me to take, it really is. But that’s what we need to do.
‘I’d better get out of here, huh?’
He smiles and I feel like dying. It’s so sad, what we’ve done to ourselves. How complicated and unnecessary we let our lives become. It’s sad.
‘I’m so sorry, Jon.’
‘Yeah. So am I, princess.’
His mouth lowers down onto mine and I wrap my arms around him and fall into his kiss, living what was almost ours for just a few seconds longer until he pulls back and lets me go. And our eyes meet, and the expression on his face almost floors me. I can’t believe this is happening, it’s too surreal to take in.
‘You take care, kid. You hear me?’
I can’t say anything. I can’t even nod, I can’t give him any kind of reaction because if I move I might change my mind and make him stay. And I can’t do that. It wouldn’t be fair. So instead I just watch him walk away and try to work out why I’m so bloody calm when I’ve just said goodbye to everything I ever wanted…
Neal
I lean back against the wall and watch as Jon says something to Joey, and they hug quickly before Kira’s brother approaches him and they too share a brief conversation. I watch as they embrace, and her brother leans in to speak to the man I thought had defeated me. But it would seem my luck has changed while his has come crashing down around him. And that doesn’t make me feel smug or glad that I’ve won. This was a game that should never have been played. I never wanted to hurt anyone. But sometimes collateral damage happens. I just don’t feel good about it.
I look down into my glass of whiskey before raising my gaze just in time to see Jon leave, and with his departure come feelings of relief and sadness. I’ve won. I’ve got the girl of my dreams back where I need her to be; with me. But I don’t know how this is gonna work now. Things can’t be like they were before, too much has happened. And I’m nervous, yeah, I’m fucking nervous. I love her, but I know she doesn’t love me, not the way I want her to love me. I don’t know if she’ll ever be able to do that, and that fills me with fear and a panic I can’t control. But I have her. She’s back, and she’s mine. She’s fucking mine.
‘Neal?’
I hadn’t even realised I’d been looking down, not until I heard his voice, and I glance up to see her brother standing there in front of me. ‘Hey…’ I frown, because I can’t remember his name. Have I been told his name? I don’t know. My head’s all over the place and I’m not sure if it’ll ever be straight again.
‘Kris.’ He smiles, and I feel my shoulders sag with a small sense of relief.
‘Kris.’
‘Look, I… Tonight’s been a bit of an ordeal, huh?’
Quite an understatement, that one. But, yeah, he’s right. It has.
‘But this is where we start to piece all the crap together, OK?’
I frown slightly, because I’m not sure what he’s saying; what he’s trying to do.
‘I don’t want her to stay here, Neal. In New York. I want her to come back home, where she belongs…’
‘She belongs here.’
He looks at me, and there’s a small smile playing at the corners of his mouth but I’ve yet to work out whether it’s friendly or not. ‘She’s still a mess. Inside. She might think she’s come through everything, and she has, to some extent. She’s dealt with everything she’s been through pretty well, in my opinion. But the way she’s dealt with it…’ He bows his head and runs a hand along the back of his neck, laughing quietly, before he raises his gaze and meets mine. ‘The way she’s dealt with it – that’s torn me in two. To see what my sister became, what he drove her to do; what her family drove her to do. That breaks my fucking heart. But at the same time it’s made her stronger. She’s not the woman I remember. She’s so far from that it’s crazy. But she’s still a mess. Inside. What’s happened here, tonight – what my arrival has caused, it’s been hard. On everyone. But this is where we start to piece all the crap together. This is where we start to do that. And I don’t want her to stay here, I want her to come home, but she isn’t going to do that. She isn’t willing to forgive everyone who killed Kate…’
‘Kate?’
He smiles slightly, and I feel my stomach contract as another piece of Kira’s old life is revealed.
‘That was her name. Before. Kate. Kate Reynolds. Didn’t she tell you that?’
I shake my head and look down, taking a second or two to pull myself together. ‘She said I didn’t need to know who she used to be.’
‘You don’t. She’s right. Kate’s gone, and as much as I’m still having trouble getting my head around that, I accept that’s what she needs to happen. She needs to start again. But I still don’t want her to stay, here. I want her to come home, but she really isn’t willing to forgive those who forced her to kill Kate and create Kira. She can’t forgive, and I get that. It’s understandable. But, as much as I want her to change her mind and come back to the UK with me, I can’t make her do that. I can’t. So, she’s going to stay here, and you’re going to make sure she’s OK. She chose you, Neal. She chose an uncertain future over a past she knew too well, so you… you have to deal with that. You have to live with that.’
‘It’s all I want, Kris. She’s all I want…’
‘Then you take care of her. By all means let her think she’s in control, that she’s dealing with everything, but you – you have to take care of her.’
‘She doesn’t need me to do that. You don’t know her…’
‘No, I don’t. I know who she used to be, but I have no idea who she really is now so, yeah, you’re right. I don’t know her. Which is why I need you to look after her, for me. To stop me worrying, to stop me from dragging her back to the UK where I’d like her to be. I don’t know who she is, but you do. So you look after my sister. OK?’
I hold his gaze, and I think we understand each other now. ‘I love her. And I know she doesn’t really love me back, but, I love her. So looking after her, that’s a given. She’s gonna be fine. I’ll make sure of it.’
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a card. ‘Here.’ He hands it to me and I take it. ‘Call me. I want to know how she is, and I want to hear that from someone else, not just her. She’ll tell me what she thinks I want to hear to stop me from flying over here to check on her. She’ll do that, so I need to hear how she’s really doing. From you.’
I look down at the card. It’s a business card, and a pretty smart looking one, too. I’m guessing that whatever this guy does, he’s pretty good at it.
‘I’m never in one place for too long,’ he continues and I look back up at him. His voice is quieter now, but he’s still nervously running that hand along the back of his neck. ‘The nature of my job determines that. But every chance I get I’ll be back here anyway just… just don’t tell her that. OK?’
He smiles slightly, a
nd I return it. ‘Yeah. OK.’
I hear him take a deep breath and his eyes once more meet mine. ‘Her life needs to stop being complicated, Neal.’
‘I can’t guarantee that, Kris.’
And I can’t. How can I? I’m one of those complications, and I’m not going anywhere.
He doesn’t say anything, and I guess he realises that was just wishful thinking on his part.
‘She’s gonna be fine. I promise. Before Jon turned up we were good. We had some kind of order in our lives, and I should have fought harder to keep it that way but I…’
‘I think we’re all done with the if onlys, Neal.’
He holds out a hand and I take it, shaking it, and when his stare locks with mine this time I think we really do get it now.
‘Stay in touch. OK?’
I nod and let go of his hand, watching as he strides back across the room towards Joey.
This is it.
This is the night Kira Blu came back to me.
The night we all start over.
The night my fucked-up world started turning again.
Kira
It’s a while before I even think about coming out of Joey’s bedroom. For a good few minutes I just sat there, on the bed, flicked on the TV and watched a cookery show. It gave me time to get my head together because the numbness is still there. I still can’t quite believe what’s happened. But I’m ready to go out there now and face it. Whatever it is. Whatever might be waiting. I’m ready to go out there. I’m ready for Neal Cannon to be back in my life. In reality, he should never have left it.
I head into the kitchen and pour myself a glass of wine, leaning back against the counter as I take a long and welcome sip, the alcohol hit going straight to my head because it’s been a while since I ate anything. A while since I felt hungry, but I’m ravenous now. It’s quiet, here in the kitchen, and I’m glad about that, glad of the few extra minutes of peace, but I can hear voices and laughter coming through from the main sitting room and I know I should get out there and join everyone.
I look down, and I realise my glass is already empty so I pour myself another one, taking smaller, slower sips this time.
‘His taste in wine has got better, don’t you think? Since he met me.’
I look up and my smile is instant as Neal approaches, all sexy-as-hell swagger, those ice-blue eyes of his never leaving mine. ‘Well, he certainly seems to have stopped assuming that just because it has a cork in it it’s drinkable.’
He laughs, and briefly bows his head.
‘I’ve missed that laugh.’
He looks up, and his eyes lock back on mine. ‘I’ve missed a lot of things, Kira.’
I break the stare and take another sip of wine, and for a beat or two nobody says anything. But the silence, it isn’t uncomfortable. There’s no awkwardness, how can there be? Just an hour or so ago he was fucking me and I was taking him deep and not regretting one wrong, sordid second. And then he takes the glass from my hand and sets it down on the counter and I turn my head to face him.
‘Hey.’
He smiles again, and I feel my heart skip a million beats, yeah, it’s that clichéd. My heart’s skipping and my head’s spinning and I’m still wracked with a guilt I know will take time to shift, but this is where I want to be. Here. With him. The life I love.
‘Hey back,’ I whisper, and he moves a little closer, close enough for me to feel his breath on my neck as he leans in to me, his mouth resting lightly against my ear, his hand gently touching my hip.
‘I’ve got something you might like, Ms Blu.’
I can’t stop the laugh from escaping, and when he joins in it’s like my whole world shifted once more, back to the day this man walked into my life. Or did I walk into his? I don’t think it matters now. We found each other. We lost each other. We made a mistake and we rectified it. We came back – to each other. We came back – to us.
‘I’m going to like it, huh?’
His hand applies a touch more pressure against my hip, his mouth resting against mine as he speaks, and it’s like he’s breathing into me; breathing life into me. ‘Keep your eyes open, beautiful.’
I gasp quietly as he drops his hand, sliding it up and under my dress, and when he touches me I automatically widen my stance, opening my legs a little further, and he laughs again, a deep, throaty laugh that I know has got me wet.
He pushes me back against the counter, his eyes on mine all the time, I’m not even sure I’ve blinked in the past few seconds, the intensity is terrifying. I’d almost forgotten how utterly devastating his presence could be, but I’m remembering now. And when his fingers gently slip inside me it’s all I can do to stop myself from crying out, but I bite down on my lip instead, and he pushes into me that little bit harder, his thumb lightly circling my clit and I am aching for him; for this. Aching to feel him touch me and take me any way he wants to, I am his, totally. Completely. Any fucking way he wants me.
I breathe in deep and then wonder if that breath will ever escape as his fingers continue to play with me. I’m burning up, I’m sure I am, and I ache for the release he’s about to give me as my body gets ready to react. But then he pulls out, and he smiles, and I groan quietly as he rests his hand against me, moving it slowly back and forth as he stares deep into my eyes. It’s crazy, and beautiful, and every reminder why I made this decision. The pain, the heartache, the guilt – that’ll hurt, for a while. I’m not made of stone, I’m not some insensitive bitch, and I hate what I’ve done. I hate that I’ve hurt people, but this – this is what I need. What I want. This will make the pain go away, eventually.
Neal Cannon will make me the woman I need to be.
In the world I need to live in.
Neal
‘Did you play with her like this?’ she whispers, her eyes still staring into mine.
‘Never,’ I murmur, my mouth touching hers and I fucking ache to kiss her, but that ache is feeding this game. ‘I never wanted to.’
She laughs quietly, and I gently push my fingers back inside her, groaning quietly as they sink into the warm, wet heaven I’ve craved for so long. Too long.
‘Never?’
‘Never,’ I repeat, lightly rubbing her clit with my thumb and it’s hard and throbbing; it’s telling me she’s almost ready so I push my fingers that little bit deeper into her, press my thumb a little harder against her and I watch as the ride begins. She knows I like to look at her when she comes, she never forgot that, and I feel my heart start to beat so hard it’s like it’s gonna come crashing right through my ribs but I don’t break the stare. I never break the stare, not when she’s this close.
‘Neal…’ She moans, and I feel her sag slightly in my arms as her body starts to convulse in gentle spasms, her inner muscles gripping my fingers tight as she comes.
‘It’s OK, baby, I’ve got you,’ I whisper as I continue to thrust into her, and she’s spilling out over me, Jesus, my hand is freaking soaking wet! ‘I’ve got you.’
She throws back her head and cries out, and I let her close her eyes now, I’ve seen what I needed to see. I looked right into her, and I saw what I needed to see.
‘We’re gonna be OK, Kira.’
She looks at me, and she’s all flushed and beautiful and I have never wanted anyone or anything more than I want this woman, and a life with her.
‘We’re gonna be OK.’
I carefully pull out of her, sliding my hand onto the small of her back as she falls into me, and I can feel her chest rising and falling against mine, her breathing ragged and fast.
‘We’re gonna be OK.’
I kiss the top of her head and I feel her fingers clench my shirt; feel her sigh quietly as a beautiful, peaceful calm descends.
We’re gonna be better than OK.
We’re gonna be fucking amazing…
Nine
Kira
‘White? Seriously?’
‘It’s a white jacket and tie, angel. I’m hardly flouncing up the
aisle claiming to be the world’s most dedicated virgin.’ Joey takes the jacket from me and slips it on, looking at himself in the mirror. ‘You know, sometimes I frighten myself with how handsome I actually am.’
I smile, because I know he’s got his tongue planted firmly in his cheek. I hope. ‘Yeah. It’s terrifying.’
He turns to look at me. ‘Talking of terrifyingly good-looking people… any reason why you didn’t want to go back with him last night? Back to his apartment?’
‘It’s too soon, Joey.’ I lean back against the dressing-table and look at him. ‘Helen had barely had time to pack her things and move out; I’d just said goodbye to the only man I’ve ever loved… Going back with Neal, it felt – I don’t know. It felt like the wrong thing to do.’
‘Second thoughts?’
‘Always.’
‘And you’re OK, are you?’
I shrug, because I don’t know if I am. I haven’t had all that much sleep, because once I was alone, in Joey and Benni’s guest room, I couldn’t close my eyes. Sleep wasn’t going to come. I’d just walked out on a life I’d honestly thought was the one I wanted and now I’m left with nothing but the suitcase of clothes I’ve brought with me for the wedding. I don’t want to go back, to Maine. I don’t want to collect anything from that life, I can’t do that. I have to start over – again. All over again. And realising that, it meant sleep was never going to come. ‘I will be.’
He smiles, and that makes everything that little bit better. It always does. ‘I missed you, angel.’
‘You didn’t have time to miss me.’
‘Talk to Benni. He’ll tell you how much I missed you.’
I go over to him and hug him from behind, resting my chin on his shoulder and he turns his head slightly to kiss my cheek.
‘Get make-up on this jacket and I’ll make sure you don’t catch my bouquet.’
‘That’s an empty threat, mister.’
‘Just watch me, kiddo.’
Surrender (Forbidden #3) Page 7
