New Beginnings at Seaside Blooms

by Jessica Redland

  Clare put her hands over her mouth and shook her head at me. ‘You need to stop that train of thought this minute.’ She took her hands away and started counting on her fingers. ‘Number one – he’s not Steven; he’s Andy. Number two – he’s back in the UK, but he lives in London. Four hours away. And number three – the most important one – you may not be with Jason anymore but you are with Nick. I haven’t met the guy but I like him already. You need to hang onto him instead of hanging onto your past.’

  I put my arms on the counter and cradled my head in them, my stomach churning.

  ‘Madame Louisa predicted this was going to happen.’

  ‘Did she?’

  I twisted my head to look at her. ‘She said I’d have to decide between the familiar or the new and should follow my heart, not my head.’

  ‘What will your heart be telling you? Andy or Nick? And can I just emphasise again that Steven is Andy’s middle name. Not his first name but his middle name.’

  ‘It’s still his name.’

  ‘And you still fancy the pants off Nick so don’t you be forgetting that,’ Clare cried. ‘Oh Jesus! He’s back.’

  The door opened again. ‘Hi. Only me.’

  What was I going to do? I’d told Nick the night before that no Steven could be better than him then in walks the ‘Steven’ I always thought I’d be with forever. I could not, in a million years, have predicted that. But maybe it was nothing to worry about. Maybe Andy really had come for a drink and a catch-up with an old friend. It’d be nice to do that. As friends. Nothing more. I was with Nick, and Andy was no threat to that. The butterflies in my stomach were nothing unusual. I always had them when Andy got in touch and today they might be more intense because I was surprised to see him and a little thrown by the Steven thing.

  ‘Right, I’ll be going back to yours just now to get ready for our night out,’ announced Clare loudly when Andy closed the door. She pointed at him. ‘Don’t you keep her long or you’ll have me to answer to. We have plans.’

  I couldn’t help but smile at her bluntness. Poor Andy, already put in his place.

  ‘Hi,’ I said when the door closed. ‘You’re back.’

  ‘As promised. You obviously have plans for tonight but do you have time for a drink first?’

  I smiled. ‘A very quick one. Let me lock up and sort myself out. I need five minutes to cash up.’

  ‘How about you direct me to your favourite bar and I get the drinks in? You can join me when you’re done.’

  ‘Minty’s,’ I said. ‘It’s back up—’

  ‘I saw it earlier. I’ll see you in there shortly. Dry white wine still?’

  ‘Please.’

  I had to count the till eight times before I finally managed to balance it.

  27

  Andy had secured a couple of comfy armchairs at the back of the bar. He was engrossed in something on his phone so didn’t look up. I paused in the doorway and took a moment to watch him, convincing myself he was really there and not an apparition from my past. He wore dark blue jeans, a deep purple shirt and a black cashmere sweater. It all looked very expensive. And very gorgeous.

  Eventually he looked up then smiled as he spotted me. ‘I was beginning to think you’d stood me up.’ He rose and moved in for another kiss on the cheek then a hug although he didn’t hold on so long this time. A wave of nostalgia swept over me as I inhaled the familiar smell of his body spray. I’d always loved that scent.

  ‘Sorry. It took longer than expected. Thanks for the wine.’ I sat down and took a gulp.

  ‘You’re welcome. It’s good to see you, Sarah.’

  ‘You said that earlier.’

  ‘Then you’ll know I’m not lying. You look great.’

  ‘Thank you. You look good too. Very tanned.’ I smiled apologetically as I posed the obvious question: ‘Why are you here?’

  His eyes widened then he laughed. ‘Straight to the point. You’ve obviously been taking lessons from Clare.’

  ‘It’s nothing to do with Clare,’ I said, shaking my head. ‘I just can’t imagine why you’ve come all this way on the off-chance I may be free for a catch-up.’

  ‘I tried to phone but it was your old work number.’

  ‘Of course. Sorry about that. Why didn’t you email me then? My email address hasn’t changed. Or Messenger? Why come all the way up here?’

  ‘Isn’t it obvious?’

  ‘No.’

  He smiled, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. For a moment, he looked tired and vulnerable.

  ‘I’ve missed you,’ he said.

  ‘You’ve missed me?’ It was barely a whisper.

  He nodded. ‘Living overseas away from friends and family gives you lots of thinking time and you’re all I’ve been able to think about recently. I always thought we’d get back together one day, but that was never going to happen while I was abroad and you were with Jason. But now I’m back and Jason is out of the equation. I know I should have emailed but I just had to see you and…’ He stopped and ran his hand through his hair. ‘Kelly and I… well… it was never like it was with you. Nobody has ever come close to what we had together. You’re the only woman I’ve ever loved, Sarah. I wanted to see you in person to ask you if there’s any chance we can try again?’

  For eight years, I’d longed to hear those words. I’d imagined dozens of movie-perfect scenarios where Andy would come back into my life and sweep me off my feet. The trauma of our break-up would be instantly forgotten. I’d see the pain and regret in his eyes for letting me walk out of his life and we’d share a kiss so passionate that those wasted years would melt away and we’d know that our future together was sealed forever.

  Only this wasn’t one of those moments. I genuinely didn’t know how to react.

  ‘Say something,’ he pleaded. ‘You’re making me nervous.’

  ‘I don’t know what you want me to say.’ I took another gulp of my wine as I tried to gather my thoughts.

  ‘I want you to say you feel the same but I’m guessing that’s not the case.’ He stood up. ‘I’m sorry. I should go. This is probably the stupidest, most impulsive thing I’ve ever done.’ He picked up his coat.

  ‘Andy! I didn’t exactly wake up this morning with a speech prepared in case you turned up out of the blue and announced you wanted to try again. It’s very unexpected. But I would like to hear you out.’

  He didn’t look convinced but sat down anyway. ‘Okay. I’ll stay. Where do you want me to start?’

  A burning question popped into my mind and, as soon as it did, I knew it was the most important question and whatever happened next depended on his answer. ‘There’s something that I need to know.’ I looked deep into his eyes. ‘I need to know why you changed. Why did you throw three happy years away, just like that?’

  He took a sharp intake of breath but managed to hold my gaze.

  ‘We’ve never talked about it,’ I continued, ‘and I’ve always felt like it’s the elephant in the room each time we’ve met up. I need to know what happened to us.’

  Andy returned my stare for a short but agonising moment. I felt my resolve slipping and bit my lip. Don’t flinch. Don’t tell him it’s fine and there’s no need to open old wounds because you need this. He owes you this.

  Finally, he spoke. ‘You’re right.’ He took a swig of his pint and sighed. ‘I got a bit too career-driven and ambitious. It’s not a great explanation, but it’s the truth.’

  ‘Okay,’ I said slowly, nodding at him. ‘But that doesn’t actually explain anything. What does that even mean?’

  He sighed again. ‘The graduate programme I joined was for two years and I thought there was a guaranteed job at the end but it turned out that they would only take on the very best performers. There were some really talented grads and it quickly became a competition to out-do each other. I thought I was good enough to get away with working a nine-to-five day and going out drinking every night. No chance. I made a couple of careless mistakes in my first mo
nth and my manager gave me a “pull your socks up or you’re out by Christmas” pep talk. I realised I couldn’t piss about anymore so I threw myself into my career.’

  ‘And being with me was pissing about, was it?’ I snapped, cringing at the volume of my voice.

  ‘No! I didn’t specifically mean you. I meant in general. I needed to focus on the job but that meant putting in long hours and working weekends to prove I was the best which, ultimately, meant losing you.’

  ‘You should have told me what was going on, especially about the mistakes at work. I might not have liked it but I’d have understood if we’d needed to cool it while you got back on track.’

  He smiled weakly. ‘I’m sorry about the way it ended. I should have at least let you stay that weekend to talk it over.’

  ‘I was just thinking about that recently,’ I said. ‘I cried all the way home that night.’

  ‘You looked so hurt. It’s haunted me ever since.’

  ‘Really? I didn’t think you’d noticed.’

  He reached for my hand. ‘I wanted to run after you that night.’

  A little shiver of pleasure ran through me at his touch and my heart started racing again. ‘Why didn’t you?’ I whispered.

  ‘I’ve asked myself that question so many times. I just wasn’t in a good place. As awful as it sounds, you were a distraction. I risked my career being over before it even started if I didn’t keep that focus. At the time, it seemed easier to let you go. I never stopped thinking about you and regretting what happened. Look what I carry around with me.’

  He let go of my hand, reached into his wallet and handed over a creased photo. I gasped and those butterflies went wild again. It was the picture of us in Rhodes that prompted me to get in touch with him again and rebuild our friendship. How romantic.

  ‘It’s been in there for years,’ he continued. ‘Every time I feel down or lonely I take it out, look at your smiling face and I feel better.’

  Tears pricked my eyes at the thought of him being so sentimental. It was the sort of thing the old Andy would do. ‘I have another question,’ I said. ‘Why now?’

  Andy flashed me a dazzling smile – the kind of expensive-looking smile that Simon Cowell would be proud of. ‘My manager took me aside in the summer and told me that I’d done a great job with my project. I could either commit to phase two which meant another three years in Dubai or I could return to the UK for good. Kelly and I were over so I had nobody to factor into any decision-making. I went home that evening and got your photo out. It struck me that, for years, I’d been talking to your photo when I really should’ve been talking to you in person. I picked up the phone, but then I had this lightbulb moment. I realised I didn’t just want to speak to you; I wanted to be with you. Reading between the lines on your emails, I didn’t think you were happy with Jason, which meant me being abroad was the biggest barrier to us trying again. I’d just been handed the opportunity to remove that barrier so I gave my boss my decision the next day and hoped you still felt the same way about me. Unfortunately, I had to do four agonising months in Dubai to hand over the reins, but I came to find you as soon as I got back.’

  I watched Andy visibly relax now that he’d confessed all. In the romantic movie of our lives, I’d cry and tell him I’d loved him all these years too and we’d both live happily ever after, but something was holding me back. I suddenly felt quite overwhelmed by the huge amount of unexpected information he’d shared. A beep from my mobile made me jump.

  ✉︎ From Clare

  Where the hell are you? We’re meant to be meeting the boys at 7. Get your arse home NOW!

  ‘I’m sorry Andy, I’ve got to go.’ I stood up. ‘Clare’s here. We’re meeting friends. I’m late.’

  He stood up too and held my coat for me. ‘I understand. I wouldn’t dream of asking if I can join you as I’m sure you don’t want me disrupting things…’

  He was clearly angling for an invite but there was just no way. Imagine that conversation: ‘Andy, meet Stevie who I met online when stalking men called Steven because, when I was eighteen, a clairvoyant told me that the man of my dreams would be called that. Stevie could have been my boyfriend because he’s got the right name, but when we kissed there was no chemistry so we’re just great mates. And meet Nick who currently is my boyfriend and who I strongly believe could be The One although I resisted him for ages because he isn’t called Steven. Guys, meet Andy. Andy was the first love of my life who has now just told me I’m the only woman he’s ever loved and he wants me back. And, guess what, his middle name’s Steven. I’m sure you’re all going to be the best of friends. Can I get anyone a drink?’ I shuddered.

  ‘So, I’ll just finish this and head off then?’

  I nodded. ‘Sorry. If I’d known you were coming… will you go back tonight?’

  ‘I booked myself into The Ramparts Hotel for a week.’

  ‘A week? It’s Christmas. I’d have thought you’d be spending it with your parents.’

  ‘Spending time with you right now is more important. I know it may have been impulsive turning up but I want you to know I didn’t expect an immediate answer which is why I’ve booked a week. If it’s okay with you, I’d like to spend a lot more time with you and see if there’s any chance of picking up where we left off all those years ago.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Andy. You’re probably not getting the reaction you were hoping for. Surprised would be an understatement.’

  ‘I understand.’ His dark eyes twinkled and my stomach did another flip. It was the way his eyes danced with excitement and passion that first attracted me to him.

  ‘I’ll stay for as long as it takes for you to realise I’m the only one for you,’ he said. ‘Always have been. Always will be.’ He reached forward and tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear while I held my breath.

  Oh. My. God! This couldn’t be happening. After all these years. How long had I waited for him to say those words? How many times had I replayed that fantasy in my head? And every single time it had ended with a kiss. And a fair bit more. But now that it was finally happening, was it more of a case of be careful what you wish for? Something wasn’t right. I couldn’t deal with it right now. I had an irate Clare at home and my new boyfriend to meet.

  ‘I’m sorry, Andy. I have to go…’

  28

  ‘The arrogant little shit.’

  ‘Eloquent as always, Clare.’ I pulled my scarf tighter around my neck as we headed back into town later that evening, brollies doing battle against the wind and rain that had whipped up since meeting Andy. I hoped a storm wasn’t on its way.

  ‘Well, he is,’ she said. ‘I really liked him while he was at university, but I think that guy is long gone. I think his high-flying career and huge pay packet have gone to his head and he reckons he can get whatever he wants at the click of his fingers. Plus that line about you knowing he’s always been and always will be The One? I think you may need a paramedic to get his head out of his arse.’

  ‘I liked it. It felt romantic at the time. You really think he’s arrogant?’

  ‘And you don’t? It takes some major arrogance to turn up unannounced to see your ex and book yourself into a hotel for a week while you try to worm your way back into her life without even checking whether or not she’s single. I hope you told him you were seeing Nick.’

  I stopped walking.

  ‘Sarah! Why the hell not?’

  Because I’ve dreamed of that moment for years and saying nothing was a million times better than jumping on him and dragging him home to bed for old times’ sake. But, of course, I didn’t say that. ‘Lack of opportunity? I felt sorry for him? I thought he might judge me for moving on so quickly? And…’ I paused.

  ‘And?’ Clare glared at me.

  ‘He’s called Steven.’

  ‘How many times? He’s not called Steven. He’s called Andrew.’

  ‘But Steven’s his middle name.’

  ‘So what?’ She grabbed my arm and started
walking again. ‘If he’s the one for you, why didn’t your clairvoyant say your future husband would be called Andrew? She was very specific on that point. If you’re going to believe it then you have to believe it all. A middle name is too tenuous.’

  ‘Maybe, but I can’t stop thinking about that and the fact that, even before I knew the clairvoyant CD still existed, I always believed we’d get together one day.’

  ‘Even during your first year with Jason when things were going well?’

  ‘Well, maybe not then…’

  ‘You want to know what I think?’

  ‘Do I have a choice?’

  Clare gave me ‘the look’. ‘I think you loved Andy at uni. He was your first serious boyfriend and you were good together, but you both changed when you graduated and it fell apart. Instead of remembering why it fell apart, you’re remembering all the good times to a point where you’ve built him into this perfect being who you somehow believe you’re meant to have a second chance with. You’ve been thinking about this second chance for so long that you’ve made it a fait accompli. The fact that his middle name links with your search for Steven just adds credence to your beliefs and now you’re willing to jeopardise your new relationship with someone who could be your future for someone who was your past and should remain in your past for all the reasons it ended in the first place. Am I right or am I right?’

  Was she?

  ‘I’ll take your silence as a sign that I’m either spot on or I’m close. Is this the pub?’

  I nodded and started to lower my brolly.

  ‘Your lovely new man, from what you tell me, is in there waiting for you. Keep remembering that you’ve been swept off your feet by him. You think that much of him that, until a few hours ago, you’d completely given up your search for Steven to be with him. I’ll emphasise again that Andy’s in your past and he should stay there, but Nick could be your future. If you don’t screw it up.’