Mmm, that felt good too.
But so did kissing Nick.
Christmas Eve in Seaside Blooms was crazy. Thankfully I’d enlisted Elise to help and I don’t think any of us stopped all day. She’d been so busy at school that we hadn’t even spoken for the past two weeks so she knew nothing about the Nick and Andy situations. I was desperate to get her take on it but there was no chance of conversation in the shop. We’d have to catch up later in the week.
Andy appeared at five-forty-five on the dot again, after everyone had gone, and took me to The Purple Lobster where the hour whizzed by. Surrounded by Christmas revellers, we got swept away in the festive spirit talking about Christmases we’d loved as kids, our favourite traditions and the best and worst presents we’d ever received. When Andy described his three best gifts, I blinked back the tears as I said, ‘I bought you all of those.’
‘I know. And that’s why they’re so special. Like the person who gave me them.’
The butterflies went into overdrive as I held his gaze. ‘I still have that bear you gave me for our first Christmas. I nearly wore a hole in him from hugging him after we split up.’
Andy smiled. ‘I’m glad you still have him. I thought you might have shoved him in a charity bag.’
I had done on several occasions but, each time, had been overcome with an attack of the guilts and retrieved him. I had, however, shoved him at the back of the wardrobe.
‘Wait here a second,’ I said when we reached the gate of Seashell Cottage. I ran down the path, unlocked the door and headed to the kitchen.
‘Here you are.’ I handed Andy a set of spare keys. ‘I can’t bear the thought of you spending Christmas Day alone in a hotel room. I know I won’t be here for most of the day but surely a cottage with a DVD player, a real fire, and a fridge full of lager is better than a hotel room?’
Andy beamed. ‘You lifesaver. I was dreading tomorrow.’
‘I’ll probably be back around teatime so, if you’re still here, we can spend some time together then.’
‘Sarah, you’re the best. Happy Christmas.’
He gave me another brief peck on the lips. Then another. I knew he was testing me to see if I’d respond. I didn’t pull away but I didn’t encourage him either. Normally I wouldn’t read such a big deal into a kiss but I knew that the minute I kissed Andy properly, it wouldn’t just be a kiss; it would be me saying I wanted him back too. Yet something seemed to be holding me back from taking that step, which was a little strange considering the Steven connection, the obvious chemistry, and how many years I’d fantasised about that scenario.
✉︎ From Andy
Morning gorgeous. About to have xmas full English then going for long walk on the beach before a DVD fest at yours. Have a lovely day with your family. Can’t wait to see you later xxxxxx
* * *
✉︎ From Auntie Kay
Happy Christmas from New York to my favourite niece. Missing you all. Are you spending today with Nick? Hope so xxx
* * *
✉︎ From Clare
I hate xmas but I know you love it so season’s greetings and all that bollocks. Bah humbug xx
* * *
✉︎ From Nick
I know I promised not to get in touch but I had to wish you a Happy Christmas. I hope all of your Christmas wishes come true. Thinking of you xx
It was lovely being home for a family Christmas although it felt strange not having Auntie Kay with us for the first time ever. The arrival of Nick’s text set the butterflies going again but so did Andy’s. Was it possible to have strong feelings for two men at the same time?
‘How’s it going with your new man?’ Mum asked over a post-dinner glass of Baileys while the men washed up. ‘Nick, is it?’
‘Yes. Nick,’ I said, ignoring the first question and hoping she was too full of Christmas spirit to notice.
‘I Skyped Kay on Sunday and she wouldn’t tell me about her travels until I’d told her what I knew about you two. She was so excited. She speaks very highly of him.’
‘I know.’ I kicked my shoes off and curled my legs up under me on the huge leather armchair.
‘He sounds like a lovely young man.’
‘He is. He’s the best.’ I sipped my drink then slurped an ice cube into my mouth.
‘Then why’s it over already?’
I spat the ice back into my glass. ‘How…?’
‘You couldn’t wipe the grin off your face on Saturday when he sent the cakes and you were glowing all day. But something happened on Saturday night or Sunday because you’ve been distracted for the last two days and, when I mentioned his name just now, instead of lighting up, you just looked sad. Do you want to talk about it?’
I sighed. ‘It’s a long, complicated story.’
‘Would it have anything to do with Andy being here?’
‘Andy? How…? Have you developed a sixth sense or something?’
Mum put her drink down on the coffee table. ‘I saw him in town on Sunday. Major déjà vu moment. He hasn’t changed much.’
I closed my eyes and held my cool glass against my aching forehead. ‘Oh Mum, it’s such a mess. I don’t know what to do.’
‘You could start by telling your mum all about it before the men finish their chores.’
I reached for her glass. ‘You might need a top up on that.’
‘And he’s at Seashell Cottage now?’ Mum said when I’d finished, leaving out the part about Steven.
I nodded.
‘You can go if you want. I understand.’
‘No, Mum. I’m staying. Part of the deal was that I wouldn’t change my plans. I was always going to head home early evening to feed the cats and that’s what I’ll still do.’
‘How do you feel about them both right now?’
I drained the last of my Baileys. ‘Very confused. A few years ago, if you’d asked me what I’d do if Andy Kerr walked back into my life and asked to try again, it would have been a no-brainer.’
‘And now?’
‘I don’t know what’s stopping me. Am I scared of getting hurt again? Am I worried it won’t be as good second time round? Do I think he’s just on a charm offensive to get me back and he’s really still the guy he became after uni? Or is the truth simply that I like Nick more?’
Mum gave me a sympathetic look. ‘Do you know what you need?’
‘Another drink?’ I rattled the ice cubes in my empty glass.
Mum laughed. ‘Time. I know it’s a cliché, but let’s face it, Andy couldn’t have picked a worse time of year to walk back into your life. Don’t let the fact that he’s going home in a few days push you into any decisions. Tell him he can stay longer – if that’s what you want – or tell him he can go home without a decision but, whatever you do, don’t rush into anything you may regret.’
30
I left Mum and Dad’s at half four and texted Andy to say I’d be home in fifteen minutes. Ben had evening plans back in Leeds so he gave me a lift home.
Opening the door to Seashell Cottage, the aroma of mince and garlic hit me. He’d never cooked, had he? He’d always been hopeless in the kitchen.
Andy bounded down the hall, gave me a hug, wished me a Merry Christmas, and said I wasn’t allowed into the kitchen while he was creating. He directed me upstairs into the bathroom where he’d run a hot bubble bath. Scented candles glowed and soft music played. He’d even perched a glass of wine on the window ledge.
‘Don’t panic,’ he said. ‘It’s not a ploy to get you drunk and naked. I just thought you might like a relaxing bath after rushing around for the last couple of months. Although,’ he added wickedly, ‘I’d be more than happy to scrub your back… or anywhere else for that matter.’
Blushing, I threw a towel at him and ordered him out of the bathroom.
Lying back in the mandarin and jasmine bubbles five minutes later, I felt incredibly relaxed, although the wine and Baileys had probably helped. I love baths and hadn’t had time for one since
moving home. What a lovely thought and just what I needed.
Closing my eyes, my mind drifted back to the first time Andy had run me a bath. It had been our first Valentine’s Day together. We’d been to a Valentine’s Ball along with most of the students from our flat. It had been a lovely evening until a scuffle broke out on the next table and I somehow ended up wearing a pint of Guinness. Soggy and smelly, I had no choice but to leave. Andy ran me a bath while I peeled off my ruined dress then he perched on the side and gently poured jugs of water over my head, rinsing out the stout.
‘I can’t believe our evening’s ruined.’ Tears of frustration poured down my cheeks. ‘It was our first Valentine’s together and some drunk idiots messed it up.’
‘Hey, it’s not messed up. If anything, they’ve made it better.’
‘How can you possibly think that?’
‘I get you all to myself.’ He moved his soapy hands onto my tense shoulders and expertly massaged them. ‘We’ll have other Valentine’s Days to celebrate together.’
We’d never spoken about a future together. ‘Will we?’ I whispered. ‘Does that mean you can see me in your life for a bit longer?’
Andy stopped massaging my shoulders and shifted his position so he could look into my eyes. ‘I can see you in my life forever. I love you, Sarah.’
I hadn’t wanted to be the one who said it first. Elise told me she’d always regretted being the first to say she loved Gary, wishing he’d said it first. I was glad I’d waited as it truly was a magical moment. ‘I love you too, Andy.’
Baths are great but the average bath isn’t quite big enough for two adults and our demonstration of how much we loved each other caused a little bit of water displacement. Okay, a lot of water displacement. Which ran through the floorboards into the lights in the kitchen below and shorted the electrics in the whole flat. And the one next door. And the other buildings in our quad. Oops.
I opened my eyes and reached for my glass of wine, grinning at the memory of us scuttling down the corridor to my room, Andy holding onto a pile of soggy clothes and towels and me clinging onto my bottles of toiletries; we couldn’t leave any evidence behind to show who’d caused the blackout. Grabbing my hand towel from the sink, I sent Andy back out into the dark corridor to mop up the wet trail. He only just made it back into my room, stark naked, when the lights came back on. There’d been an investigation, but we got away with it. Clare was the only person who ever knew it had been us who caused chaos that night. Well, I had to tell someone.
I lay back in the bubbles sipping my wine. It had been an amazing night. But our whole relationship had been brilliant, which was why it hurt so much when it ended. I’d loved him so much. Did I still?
‘Are you covered?’ Andy called from outside the door about ten minutes later. ‘I wondered if you were ready for a top up.’
I glanced towards my half-empty glass. ‘Go on, then. But no trying to peek through the bubbles.’
Andy pushed open the door and kept his eyes firmly fixed on my face as he headed towards the bath and topped up my glass.
‘Is it hot enough for you? I know you like it boiling.’
‘It’s perfect.’
‘What are you grinning at?’
‘Don’t read anything into this,’ I said, ‘but I was thinking about the first time you ran me a bath.’
He smiled. ‘The Valentine’s Ball. I was thinking about that earlier too. I wasn’t sure if you’d remember.’
‘Of course I remember. It was the first time you said you loved me.’
‘I don’t know why I took so long to say it.’ He kneeled down by the bath. ‘I loved you the moment I saw you.’ He smiled tenderly and my heart started racing. ‘That night, I seem to recall telling you that I could see you in my life forever. Fast forward less than three years later and I let you slip away.’ He looked so vulnerable again and also so very attractive in the candlelight.
‘You have to stop punishing yourself,’ I said. ‘You’re forgiven. Let’s stop focusing on what might have been and focus on the here and now. One day at a time.’
Andy sighed and stood up. He tucked a curl behind my ear. I held my breath at his touch and my stomach flipped. ‘You’re an amazing woman, Sarah Peterson. Thank you for being so understanding.’
I smiled and nodded. I didn’t trust myself to speak in case I let my alcohol-fuzzy head take control and suggest we relive the night of the Valentine’s Ball.
‘I’m confused.’ Fifteen minutes later I stared at my plate of beans on toast. ‘Don’t get me wrong, Andy. This looks delicious, but I was sure I could smell mince earlier. Am I going mad?’
‘Ah! Slight change of plan. I tried to impress you by making a chilli. You know how I was never great at cooking? If it’s possible, I’ve got worse. I burnt the chilli. I may owe you a new pan. I think I welded it to the bottom.’
I laughed. ‘Don’t worry about it.’
‘I didn’t think there’d be any takeaways open with it being Christmas Day so I had a bit of a panic. Then I realised making you a big meal was a stupid idea because you’ll have had a huge dinner and probably only want something light. So, voilà!’
‘I’d definitely have struggled with a big meal. This is spot on.’
‘Did you enjoy your bath?’ Andy asked, when we’d finished eating. ‘Was it the right thing to do?’
‘It was unexpected but perfect. I mean that. Thank you.’
‘It looked pretty good. I was tempted to join you.’
‘You should have.’ Oh my God! Engage brain first.
Andy laughed. ‘You should see the look on your face. I take it you weren’t meant to say that aloud?’
‘No.’
‘Well, I’m glad you did. I know you’re not promising anything but for that thought to even cross your mind, it shows that you’re thinking of me as something other than a friend. If only for a brief moment.’
‘I…’ Maybe I should have stayed sober. My decisions when inebriated were frequently ill-advised. The phrase, ‘It seemed like a good idea at the time’ was invented for me after a few drinks.
‘Do you have any plans for tomorrow?’ Andy asked when we moved into the lounge.
It dawned on me that I’d been so busy that I hadn’t planned beyond Christmas Day. I wanted to see Elise but we hadn’t confirmed a day. ‘Not yet. Why?’
‘Would you do me the honour of spending the day with me?’
I smiled. ‘If you’re as good company as you’ve been the last couple of days, I might be able to cope with it.’
‘That’s a relief. I’ve organised a surprise for you.’ He looked very pleased with himself.
‘What is it?’
‘It won’t be a surprise if I tell you, will it? I’ll pick you up at half five.’
I spluttered on my wine. ‘In the morning?’
He nodded. ‘You should dress warmly. Lots of layers. And wear sensible shoes. Oh, and you’ll need a hat.’
‘What are we doing? Conquering Everest?’
‘Patience. You’ll find out tomorrow. I think you’ll like it. In fact, I know you’ll like it.’
Andy insisted on doing the washing up and leaving by ten so I could get a good night’s sleep. He gave me a gentle kiss on the lips again as he left. It was slightly longer this time but the fact that he wasn’t pushing me earned him massive Brownie Points.
My head felt fuzzy from a steady flow of drink across the afternoon and evening and my whole body felt weary. I blew out the candles, spread the dying embers in the fire, and was about to switch the lamps off when I spotted my laptop on the coffee table. Maybe just a quick look on Facebook…
My newsfeed was full of Christmas best wishes and comments from friends and acquaintances about their Christmas Day, predominantly referencing too much food, too much drink, too many sweets, and too much money spent. Surely that was what Christmas was all about; too much of everything. One of the entries was from Nick.
Nick Derbyshire
&n
bsp; 5 hrs
Happy Christmas to all my friends and family
How was he? Was he sad? Had I ruined his Christmas? Feeling an overwhelming desire to connect with him I clicked onto his timeline and scrolled down it, building up a picture of the past week.
Skye Harris > Nick Derbyshire
22 December at 20:38
Are you OK? Tried phoning a few times & keep getting voicemail. Stuart says you seem down and your last post is very unlike you xx
Nick Derbyshire I’ll text you
Marcus Jones > Nick Derbyshire
22 December at 10:11
Thanks for finishing that job for us. Have a great Christmas break. We’ll catch up in the New Year
* * *
Nick Derbyshire
21 December at 23:46
I’ve had enough of this year. How long till the next one?
Skye Harris Cheer up you xx
Callie Michaels You OK big bruv? I’m only a phone call away if you need me xx
Nick Derbyshire
21 December at 01:33
Just had the most amazing evening ever
Callie Michaels Spill!!!!
Skye Harris This wouldn’t have anything to do with a certain young florist, would it?
Nick Derbyshire Might have!
Skye Harris YEEAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! You’re so perfect for each other. Fancy a coffee later to catch up?
Nick Derbyshire 2 p.m. in The Chocolate Pot, Skye? Callie – will call you soon x
I scrolled up and down between the few short entries that told such a story from elation to devastation. ‘Have I really caused all that? I’m so sorry Nick.’
With a heavy heart, I shut down my laptop and slowly padded upstairs to bed where I lay for the next two hours cuddling Mr Pink and staring into the darkness, trying to work out how I felt about the two men in my life. When fatigue finally overcame me, I still hadn’t reached a conclusion but I had realised one thing: I hadn’t replied to Nick’s text. It had come through while I was basting the turkey for Mum and I’d made a mental note to reply later when I had time to think of an appropriate message that didn’t come across as a brush-off. I wanted to show him I still cared. Yes, Sarah, you showed you really cared by forgetting to reply altogether. You absolute muppet. I hoped that my rudeness hadn’t caused him any further distress.
New Beginnings at Seaside Blooms Page 22
