You and I Together

by Melissa Toppen

  I can't wipe the shocked look off of my face as I watch the interaction, not sure what the hell is going on and seriously wondering if I have just stepped foot into an alternate universe.

  “How did you get in here?” I ask, still unable to grasp the fact that he is actually here, standing in front of me. He's so beautiful it nearly hurts to look at him. Beautiful? Is that a word used to describe a man like Bentley? I can't think of a more appropriate one at the moment because to me, that's exactly what he is.

  “Andrea was here.” He says, turning his attention towards me. “She had to run an errand and said I could wait for you here. I hope that's okay.” He says, almost apologetic, which strikes me as odd.

  “Of course.” I nod, feeling weirdly self conscious given our current audience. Collin, at this point, has made his way to Andrea's side of the room and is messing with his phone but that doesn't mean he's not listening to every word of this awkward conversation.

  “Can we go somewhere and talk?” Bentley pulls my attention from Collin back to him.

  “Um... Okay.” I stutter out, still in absolute shock that he's even standing here. Peeling my bag off of my shoulders and dropping it on the floor next to my bed, I hobble to the door and wait for Bentley to open it before crossing through.

  “Collin, will you tell Andrea I will be back later?” I stick my head back into the room.

  “You got it.” He says, throwing me a wave as I pull the door closed. The sudden silence of the hallway makes me feel extremely self conscious, especially given that I can feel Bentley's eyes on me, even though I can't bring myself to look in his direction.

  “Where are we going?” I ask, making my way towards the stairwell. Grabbing my forearm, he stops me just before I get my foot on the first step. Spinning me slightly, his eyes burn into mine so deeply, it literally takes my breath away.

  “I have something I need to show you, if that's okay.” He says, not waiting for a reply as he bends and hitches his arm under my legs, lifting me off of my feet and cradling me against his body, before I have a chance to react.

  “I can walk.” I protest, not wanting him to feel like he has to carry me but also loving the way his body feels against mine, something I thought I would never feel again.

  “I know.” He breathes, his face just inches from mine. For a moment, I think he's going to kiss me. That he is going to close the small gap between us and end this misery that has been eating at me for nearly two weeks. But instead, he swallows hard and then turns his attention to the stairs.

  Wrapping my arms around his neck, I drop my face to his shoulder and inhale deeply, not realizing how much I missed his smell until this very moment. The thought brings tears immediately to my eyes and I have to blink them back down. Because even though he is here, it does not mean that he is here for the reason I want him to be. I have to remember that. I can't expect something from this. If I do, I will only be that much more heartbroken when it doesn't turn out the way I want it to.

  Bentley makes it down the stairs and out of the building in next to no time, the extra weight of my body not slowing him down one beat. It isn't until we reach his car, that he finally sets me back to my feet, his hands lingering a little too long on my back as he makes sure I have my balance before letting go.

  Without a word, he peels open the passenger side door and ushers me inside, making sure I am comfortable before closing the door and crossing to the other side of the car. The moment he slides in next to me, I open my mouth to speak but then close it immediately when he speaks first.

  “I'm sorry to just show up like this.” He says, turning his head slightly to meet my gaze. “I'm sorry for a lot of things. And I know I don't deserve it, but I am hoping that you will at least hear me out.” He says, his voice tight, his expression unreadable.

  “Okay.” Is all I can manage to get out. Not because I agree that he has a reason to be sorry but because with that simple statement, he has renewed my hope that maybe I haven't lost him just yet.

  “It's not far.” He says, firing the engine of the car to life. “Where I'm taking you.” He clarifies, when I throw him a questioning look.

  “Okay.” Again, the only word that I can seem to get out.

  My heart is pounding so hard in my chest that I swear, on the silent ride over, there is no way he can't hear it. Bentley weaves in and out of the late afternoon city traffic, his eyes not once leaving the road. I watch him out of the corner of my eye. I watch his jaw clench and release, watch the vein in the side of his neck pulse with each beat of his heart. I can't seem to tear my eyes away from him.

  It isn't until he throws the car in park and kills the engine that I even realize we have arrived at our destination. I have no idea how we got here or where we are exactly but the moment I break away from staring at Bentley and look around, I know immediately where he's taken me. Toyota Park. The home of Chicago Fire; the soccer team Bentley played for.

  I turn wide eyes back on Bentley, surprised that he brought me here but also very curious as to why. “Come on.” He says, throwing me a small smile, the first one I have seen since I found him in my dorm room just a few minutes ago.

  I push the door open and by the time I actually get my feet on the ground, Bentley is at my side helping me from the car. Linking his arm with mine and offering me some support, he shuts the door and leads me through the parking lot to the entrance of the stadium.

  The place seems to be deserted for the most part. A security guard sits at one of the main gates and only nods in Bentley's direction as we pass through. We pass a couple of janitorial workers with brooms and other cleaning supplies but other than that, we are completely alone.

  Bentley leads me down a hallway that is clearly not meant for the public. Within a few short moments I am stepping out onto the field where he played soccer. The field where his dreams came true. The field where his dreams died. Dropping his arm, I take a few steps onto the field, turning slightly to get a look at all of the seats that are surrounding us. I try to imagine those seats filled with hundreds of people. I try to envision what it would feel like to run out on the field with all of the fans screaming and cheering.

  I keep walking, taking in every inch of the stadium. By the time I stop, I am standing just short of center field. Turning slightly, I see that Bentley is just a few short feet behind me, watching me intently.

  “Why did you bring me here?” I ask, for the first time feeling like I can actually speak beyond one word.

  “Because I realized that what happened in New York wasn't your fault but mine. I kept you in the dark about my life. About who I am. My past. I expected you to accept the man I let you see and I wasn't ready to show you more.” He says, looking around the stadium. “This place. This is a large part of who I was. I didn't realize it at the time, but in order for you to love the man I am now, you need to understand and accept the man I used to be.”

  “Bentley, I...” I start, but he immediately cuts me off.

  “Please, just let me get this out.” He says, running his hand nervously through his messy brown hair. Just that action alone causes my pulse to spike. I have never seen Bentley even resemble nervous before but right now, he seems terrified.

  “Truth is, I'm ashamed of who I was. Of the things I have done. The people I have used and hurt. I didn't want you to know that man. I didn't want you to know what I was capable of. I couldn't stand the idea of you being disappointed in me.” He says, shoving his hands in the pockets of his dark jeans like he just needs to do something with them.

  “These last two weeks have been hell, agony. At first I blamed you. I was so angry.” He gives me an apologetic look before continuing. “I thought you were trying to find an excuse to leave me.” He admits.

  “Bentley.” I say, taking a deep breath, trying to keep my emotions in check. “I wasn't going to leave you. I wasn't looking for an out. I just wanted to know you. Who you were then. Who you are now. That's all I have ever wanted. I thought that by talking t
o someone from your past, it would give me something to go on. Some semblance of the person you used to be. But I realized very quickly talking to Madison, that I already know who you are, and that while there may be so much about your life that I still don't know, I know you better than she will ever know you. The things she was saying, what she told me, I knew it wasn't true. When you came in, I was leaving.”

  “If I had just been up front with you from the beginning, you would have never felt the need to go to Madison. Your curiosity was brought on by me shutting you out. I know that now. I knew that shortly after you left. I was ashamed of my past and so I pushed you away rather than letting you in. No matter what choices I have made in my life, walking away from you is the biggest mistake I have ever made. I will never be able to forgive myself for hurting you. For the pain I see etched all over your face right now. I put that there.” He says, emotion thick in his words.

  At this point, fighting my tears is a losing battle. I can't see him in so much pain, riddled with so much regret, and not feel my heart breaking all over again. I want to run to him, pull him in my arms and hold onto him with everything that I have, but I can't make myself move and I don't know why. Why am I not running to him? Why am I not throwing myself into his arms at this very moment?

  Fear. I am consumed with fear. Because now that I know the pain of losing him, I'm scared to let him back in. It's like a game of tug of war and I'm the rope being pulled in two entirely different directions. On one side is Bentley, the man I love but also the man that has the power to break me into a million tiny pieces. On the other, is a life without him. A life of emptiness. But it's also a life of security. A life where I am not constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop knowing that it's only a matter of time.

  “After the way I spoke to you, the way I treated you; I thought I had lost you forever.” His words come out weakly, cutting into my inner battle. I hesitantly meet his gaze, my breath hitching when I see the pain that statement causes him. “I'm sorry it took me so long. I was angry. Then I was afraid. And by the time I had sorted it all out, it had been days and I was convinced that you would want nothing to do with me. And then Shira told me about your injury, that she had seen you. I tried to stay away, to let you move on. But I couldn't. Staying away from you is like telling my body not to breathe. It's not possible. I love you Anna. I love you and I can't find a way to live without you.” He says, his tone so full of desperation that a light sob escapes my throat as the reality of his words sink in.

  “What are you saying?” I wipe at my tears.

  “I'm saying that I want you. I want us. I want this. No more hiding. No more secrets. That's why I brought you here. This is the one place I swore I would never come again. The one place that haunts me. When I lost my ability to play, I lost a piece of myself. I know you understand that better than anyone, which is why I think I was so drawn to you in the beginning. And why I fell in love with you as hard as I did. Because you didn't just understand, you had lived it. You had felt it.” He pauses long enough to close the distance between us.

  Reaching down, he takes both of my hands in his, his eyes fixed solely on mine. “Bringing you here is my way of showing you that I'm ready. I'm ready to let you see me. Who I was, who I am. All of me. Starting here. In the one place where I found and lost myself. I want you to see my world Anna. The good, the bad, everything. I want you to see the effect you have had on my life. The way you have changed me. You make me a better man. Please tell me that I haven't lost you.” He pleads, reaching up to trail his hand along my jawline. “Because after loving you, I will never be the same.” He whispers, leaning down to lightly brush his lips against mine.

  The moment the contact is made, my body melts against him. All my reservations, all my doubts, just simply float away. Because deep down I know that living without him is not an option. I have been living without him for two weeks and look at me. I'm a mess. A hollow shell barely even living. I want to deepen the kiss, hold him to me and keep him as close as I can but when he starts to pull away, I let him.

  Dropping his forehead to mine, he takes a shaky inhale. “Say something.” He pleads, making me realize that I have yet to really respond to anything he has said.

  “Living without you these past two weeks has made me realize something about myself.” I admit, trailing my hand lightly down his forearm. “I wasn't put on this earth to dance. I was put on this earth to love you. Dance was my way of finding of you. Everything that has happened, every choice I have made along the way, has led me here, to this moment. To you.” The last part barely makes it off my lips before his mouth closes down on mine once more.

  I keep waiting to wake up, waiting for something to pull me from this incredible moment and throw me back into the hell that I have been living in. But it doesn't come. And as Bentley pulls me into his arms and holds me tightly against him, I realize that maybe, just maybe, there is such a thing as finding your happily ever after. Sometimes you just need to open your heart enough to find it.

  Bentley and Anna's story concludes in

  You and I Forever

  Releasing June 9, 2015

  Now Available for Pre-Order!

  You and I Together Playlist

  A special thank you to all these amazing artists for their gift of music that inspires me every single day.

  Chains- Nick Jonas

  Never Be The Same- Red

  Heartbeat Song- Kelly Clarkson

  Give Me Love- Ed Sherran

  Dance For You- Beyonce

  Stay- Rihanna

  Low- Flo Rida

  Masterpiece- Jessie J

  Big Girls Cry- Sia

  Escape Route- Paramore

  Eye of the Needle- Sia

  Bad Blood- Bastille