Confessions of an Essex Girl

by Becci Fox

  Cleo gave me proper dagger eyes and went, ‘Err, I don’t think so,’ and then tried to move the conversation on. Seriously, someone had to play cupid. She always moans she never pulls and I keep telling her it’s because she plays it too cool. To the point she’ll actually look uninterested and avoid all eye contact. What gives? The only reason she did it with that famous comedian was because he picked her. I knew she wouldn’t thank me, but you got to do unpopular things sometimes. So I carried on.

  ‘No, honestly, any girl would be lucky to have you, Brad, and Cleo’s an extremely special person. I think you two could do beautiful things together,’ I said. You can accuse me of overegging the pudding all you like, but as soon as I’d laid Cleo’s cards on the table, I could see a change in Brad. It’s like he was seeing Cleo for the first time, and wouldn’t you know it, she looked away all demure. But it was fine to do that now because the wheels were in motion.

  Brad went, ‘So do you fancy me then?’ and Cleo replied, ‘You’re alright,’ and rolled her eyes. And Brad just laughed because he knew the chase was on. The dance floor was calling me, so I grabbed Ryan and left them to it.

  When we came back to the table, I couldn’t tell if any snogging had occurred but I didn’t worry as I knew Brad and Lauren weren’t going anywhere without us that night. Brad leaned into the group and went, ‘Ladies and boy, how about we take this party elsewhere.’

  ‘Depends where you’re suggesting,’ I said. ‘I can’t commit until I have the full facts in front of me.’

  ‘Olivia Valere. I do a good job at promoting their nights so I reckon I can get us all into VIP there. More lively, more beautiful, more sexy, what’s not to like?’

  ‘How about the fact we’ll be in Marbs town,’ I said. I know my clubs and we were getting further and further from Puerto Banus. ‘Don’t get me wrong, I’ve heard good things about the place, but our hen do is in your hands so we have high expectations, yeah?’

  ‘I’ve never disappointed a group of women yet,’ he said with one hundred per cent confidence. What did we have to lose?

  I didn’t realize that Brad hadn’t been drinking all night because he was driving. He had this slick-looking black Maserati GranCabrio, but unfortunately it was only last year’s model. Joking! I love Italian models of all ages.

  ‘Who wants to be my plus-one?’ he asked as the valet brought his car round. He was looking at Cleo, but she shoved Gem towards the car and, to be fair, it was the popular choice. We all screamed as she got in and off they sped into the night. I wanted to be excited, but supercars just took me back to Monaco again. You shouldn’t feel sadness when looking at supercars and yachts. Bloody Ben.

  I distracted myself by sorting out cabs for everyone but made sure I wasn’t sharing with Brooke. Gemma had completely brushed off all the mental things I’d said earlier. She’s never been one to bear a grudge which is an amazing trait to have, but she must store it all somewhere. Brooke, however, made it obvious she was still gunning for me, so I clung to Lauren like she was a human shield.

  As our taxi whizzed down the highway to Olivia Valere, I caught a flash of a Maserati on the side of the road next to some flashing blue lights.

  ‘Oh my God, did you see that? The police have stopped Brad and Gem,’ I said, practically shaking Lauren who was busy singing to some loud Euro toot on the radio. ‘Lauren, did you hear me?’

  It’s like she had cloth for ears. When we all got out the taxis, I told everyone in the most animated way possible exactly what I’d seen. We all smelt a palaver brewing.

  ‘What if they caught her giving Brad a blowie?’ said Brooke.

  ‘Hun, don’t say shit like that in front of Linda,’ I said, giving Brooke a verbal slap. Like Linda cared. Staying upright was her main concern by that point.

  ‘You know what it is, bubbla,’ slurred Lauren. ‘He’s only gone and got pulled over for speeding again.’

  And she was so right. Fifteen minutes later, Brad and Gem flew into sight. Brad jumped out and threw the keys at the valet. ‘Sorry about that, ladies – I had a meeting with a policeman.’

  ‘What’s going on?’ I asked.

  ‘Got pulled over for doing a poxy one hundred,’ said Brad, looking mystified. ‘I told the bloke, this car can do two hundred miles an hour and I’m doing half that so I’ve done you a favour. He weren’t having none of it so I got another fine.’

  ‘Weird this always happens when you’ve got a girl in the passenger seat, right, bubs?’ said Lauren, tapping away at her brother like only a sister knows how.

  ‘Shut up, Lozza. What we all doing hanging out in a car park? Let’s get involved,’ he said, leading the way.

  I got to say I was well impressed with the club. It was more Spanish than any place I’d been to and that made it feel instantly more Mediterranean and sexy. Like everyone just looked proper fit and the whole scene was more sophisticated. As promised, Brad got us all into VIP and our table was lit up with bottles of champagne sparklers. Seriously, did everything in Marbs have to be like Monaco? BHQ must have been having a right laugh at my expense. A glass was shoved in my hand and Gem stood up to make a toast.

  ‘I just wanted to say thank you to all my girls and boy for making this a night to remember. If it weren’t for you lot I wouldn’t be standing here as the soon-to-be Mrs Sweet. You’ve kept me sane during the bad times and drunk during the daytimes. So thank you all and God bless,’ she said, raising her glass before adding, ‘And special thanks to all my bridesmaids for making this trip so memorable and for getting this far without getting sacked.’

  Everyone laughed except me because she was blatantly ripping the piss out of my sister. Tasha honestly did fire three of her bridesmaids during her engagement. One of them got the shove after she sent out a stream of emails about the hen do ‘timetable’ which ensured no room for spontaneity or fun. Who wants to go to a club at 23:00 hours? My sister had it out with her and told her to stop being so bossy and the friend stormed off. So technically she resigned. Then one of them tried it on with Jake so she got kicked out (like being eighteen made him the innocent party). The worst one was the girl she fired the week before the wedding. They got so coked up on a night out that all these harsh truths came out and it turned into a proper catfight. She’s never told me what was said but it must have been pretty bad. By the time the wedding day rolled around, I felt privileged to have made it to the final three.

  I drank my champagne pretty quickly because now I was in VIP I felt relaxed, and I was on a mission to get wrecked. As I reached to pour myself another glass, a man’s hand got the bottle before me.

  ‘Please, allow me,’ he said smoothly. This guy was in his mid-forties I’d say, but he looked good for it.

  ‘Well, don’t mind if you do,’ I replied. ‘You sound local, hun.’

  ‘Your hearing is good. I speak Spanish but I’m actually from Argentina,’ he said.

  ‘Oh yeah? I’ve heard it’s nice there.’ I didn’t even know the place so I steered us out of this conversational cul-de-sac and went, ‘So how comes you’re in VIP?’

  ‘I’m an actor. You wouldn’t know me in England but I’ve got a few fans here,’ he said.

  ‘So tell me what you been in,’ I said, genuinely interested now.

  ‘You wouldn’t have heard of it but it’s a really popular show here in Spain. It’s about four men who are called in to help regular people out of tricky situations. For instance, in one episode, an artist is bullied and ripped off by a powerful art dealer and the team assist the artist . . .’

  ‘Can I stop you right there, babe. This sounds just like The A-Team,’ I said.

  ‘Sorry, what team?’

  ‘You know, B.A., Hannibal. There was a film about them too. You know, if you have a problem and no one else can help?’

  He wasn’t getting it. The cultural barrier was making it such hard work. I suddenly felt this urge to kiss him just to end the confusion. So I did, but I got way more than I bargained for. This man seri
ously put every Essex boy in the shade. It was like proper urgent kissing and I could genuinely tell that we’d have the most incredible sex. He was definitely attractive, but because he hadn’t been all arrogant and try-hard, I hadn’t really been flirting with him. I’m obviously too conditioned to mouthy Essex blokes to even recognize true suaveness when it’s before me. He was lovely looking for an older man as well. I can only describe him as Don Draper’s more tanned and handsome twin brother.

  ‘Can I get you another drink,’ the actor said to me. I just nodded in case my words ruined the moment. ‘I’ll get the waitress to come over. Excuse me, I must go to the bathroom,’ he said, leaving.

  Gemma and Ryan were straight on me the moment he walked off. ‘Oh my God, he is so hot,’ said Gem.

  ‘Like he could be your dad but a fit dad, yeah?’ said Ryan.

  ‘Shut up. He’s only . . . well, maybe if my dad had had me at sixteen, then yeah. Young blokes could learn a trick or two off that bloke,’ I said.

  ‘What’s his name?’ asked Ryan.

  ‘Who needs names when you got passion?’ I said before screaming, ‘Oh my God, you guys, look at Cleo!’

  There was my girl snogging the face off Brad. I told you my blatant tactics would pay off. I’m telling you, a lot of single girls could do with a friend like me.

  When I turned back round, Gemma and Ryan had jumped up on the sofa to dance. I took no persuading and we joined them as quick as a flash. It was exhilarating and I just felt a lot of love for her and Ryan at that precise moment. When you’ve known people since you were eleven years old, there’s nothing you don’t know about each other. Gem turned to me and went, ‘I’m having the best night of my life,’ and gave me the biggest hug. ‘Don’t ever go changing because I have more fun with you than anyone else. You’re honestly the only person that makes me cry with laughter.’

  ‘Awww, babe. We are pretty fucking funny. Remember our butt-buffing dance?’ I said, gearing up.

  ‘Oh my God, like, only the hottest dance ever invented in 2002 . . . Bring it, hun.’ And with that command we butt-buffed our little hearts out.

  It’s not a complicated manoeuvre – you just lift your arms in the air and bounce your butts off each other in time to the music but real sexy and slow. It’s hot. And you have to turn as you’re doing it so you’ll side butt-buff each other, or sometimes do a proper back-toback butt-buff. The options are endless. Anyways, me and Gemma had got a real rhythm going on up on that sofa. All eyes were on us and we were in our element. Gem leaned into me as we front-buffed and went, ‘Still got it, hun.’

  To show my solidarity, I gave her a real hard butt-buff. Instead of standing strong as I thought she would, she went flying. I reached out to pull her back but it was too late. She landed on the ground with a thud that was louder than the beat in the club. I honestly couldn’t move from the sofa and nor did anyone else. Why was BHQ so intent on making me damage my friends? She didn’t move either, and the only thought that went through my head was, ‘I promise never to butt-buff another person so long as I live.’

  ‘Oh my God, Gem, I’m so sorry. You alright?’ I said finally, climbing down to her side.

  ‘Yeah, fine. I just fell funny. I think I winded myself,’ Gem replied, gasping.

  ‘Do you want us to pick you up?’

  ‘Yeah, that would be nice,’ she winced. So me and Ryan took an armpit each and heaved her onto the sofa. She yelped so bad I thought I’d done her more damage.

  ‘What is it?’ I said. She didn’t seem to be bleeding and I couldn’t work out where she was hurting.

  ‘I fell on my hand. I think I’ve sprained it,’ she said.

  ‘Ryan, why don’t you get some ice and I’ll take a closer look,’ I said. See, I told you I was calm in a crisis. Once I’d dispatched Ryan I examined her hand, which was resting on her belly.

  ‘Looks fine to me, hun. It doesn’t look swollen at all,’ I said, feeling a wash of relief. The colour had even returned to her cheeks.

  ‘Thank fuck! Maybe if I just sit here for a bit and get that ice on it, it’ll calm down,’ she replied.

  ‘Oh my days, I’m proper shaking, Gem. A butt-buff has never ended in physical violence before. Maybe we haven’t got it in us any more. Maybe we’re too old for dance routines,’ I said. Gemma just glared at me and went, ‘Shut. Up,’ and shook her head in disgust.

  I left her and Ryan to it because the actor was back and I needed to calm my nerves. Seriously, he was pure man. I just wanted to tear right into him. I tried to tell him about the trauma that had happened in his absence, but he looked blankly at me. I gave up and we just started kissing furiously again. I suppose this is how you make relationships work if you’re from different countries. You know, the language of love and all that.

  After a while, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned round to find Brooke standing there.

  ‘Yeah, what is it?’ I said coldly.

  ‘Gem’s not feeling good so she wants to go back to the apartment. I thought you might want to too, seeing as you’re the one who butt-buffed her.’

  ‘It was an accident. And I’m sort of busy,’ I replied.

  ‘Suit yourself. I’m sure she won’t be upset.’ The bitch was emotionally playing me.

  ‘Fine, we’ll call it a night. I’m honestly not bothered,’ I said. I was so angry because she had completely done that on purpose and it’s not like I was going to let the bride go home alone and injured. The actor said he sometimes came to the UK so we swopped numbers. You never know, right? Then obviously I swopped numbers with my new best friend Lauren and I made sure Brooke saw. Displaced already.

  Gem kept the ice pack on as we walked out. She’d gone proper pale again. As we left, I realized the rest of the group wasn’t with us. ‘Why we leaving them all behind?’ I asked. And Brooke replied, ‘No point in ending everyone’s evening.’

  Oh my God, I was so mad with her. She’d singled me out and clit-blocked me out of pure spite. I said nothing and just kept a lid on it. We sat either side of Gem in the cab but you could cut the tension with a nail file.

  ‘God, it fucking hurts,’ Gem gasped suddenly. ‘I don’t think I can take it any more.’

  ‘Take the ice pack off and let me have a look, will you?’ said Brooke. Her reaction was the total opposite of mine. ‘Fucking hell, Gem. Your wrist is all bent out of shape. Why’s it all puffed up like that?’

  ‘Babe, don’t scare the girl. It looks fine,’ I said.

  ‘Are you blind? Shit, we need to go to a hospital,’ Brooke said in full-on panic mode.

  ‘I’ll be fine once I’ve slept it off,’ said Gem.

  ‘Oi, señor, take us to the hospital. La hospital, pronto,’ Brooke shouted.

  ‘Oh my God, you’re totally overreacting,’ I said. ‘I’m looking at it now and it looks the same as my hand.’

  ‘Just trust me, yeah?’

  I had no choice but to become part of Brooke’s drama. Gemma started crying so hard that even I felt a bit scared now.

  A&E was shockingly quiet compared to my local. Whipps Cross is like the night of the living dead at 3 a.m. on a weekend. You can’t move for bloodied limbs. Incidentally, great people have been born in that hospital. Me, James Argent, David Beckham, Jonathan Ross, to name but a few legends. Anyways, as they took Gem behind some curtains, one of the nurses goes to me, ‘What caused this?’ I thought about it and said, ‘I would have to say alcohol.’ She just tutted and walked off. Charming! What was I meant to say? My left buttock?

  It turned into one of the most traumatic nights of my life. They said she’d broken her wrist in multiple places and they’d have to work on it right now. After dosing her up on morphine, they plunged a syringe into her hand to draw out the blood that was causing the swelling. If that wasn’t excruciating enough, we stood by her as they manipulated her wrist back into position. Gem’s cries went straight through me. I can still hear them now. I wouldn’t have wished this kind of thing on my worst enemy, not even Bu
cket. By the end, we were all sobbing like we’d given birth. Gem had been on the gas and air throughout, but the doctor thought it best if we all took a lungful. Can I just say, they should sell that stuff outside clubs. I’d felt a hangover coming on in the hospital, but as soon as I breathed that shit in, I felt amazing, although it made our voices go really deep which was an unattractive side effect.

  After they’d bandaged Gem up, they wheeled her off to get some sleep. There was nothing for it but to head back to the apartment and do the same ourselves.

  I never thought I could hate glaring sunshine but it was the last thing I needed. As we stood waiting for our cab, I thought about the massive ordeal Brooke and I had been through in the last four hours. Having this shared experience pushed me to saying something to her. Something that showed I appreciated her.

  ‘Babe, I’m so glad you made us come here. If it had just been me and Gem, she’d be sleeping with a bent wrist in our filthy room right now.’

  ‘I knew in my gut it was serious,’ she replied.

  ‘Can I make a confession?’ I said.

  ‘Yeah, go on.’

  ‘I was looking at the wrong wrist the whole time,’ I said. Brooke’s eyes were wide open now. ‘I was looking at her right wrist instead of her left and that did look fine, so I was semi-right.’

  ‘Oh my God, you dozy mare. Good job you didn’t take up that medical degree,’ she said scornfully. ‘At what point did you realize?’

  ‘About thirty minutes ago when they were wrapping her arm up. The hand I looked at earlier had no ring on, and then I thought, funny, somebody’s put a ring on it now.’

  ‘Shit, what’s going to happen with the wedding now?’ she asked.

  ‘Babe, I can’t even go there mentally right now,’ I replied wearily. ‘But what I do know is that Linda is going to be well pissed off. Not that it’s our fault. I mean, she was so off her tits she didn’t even notice any of this going on, so she can’t talk.’

  We stood in silence again. I knew this was my opportunity to clear the air, but I had to think carefully about what I was going to say. I had to reel in the passion, since getting defensive and upset had got me nowhere last night. So I said with as much calmness as possible, ‘Babe, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m not in a very good place right now.’ For the first time in ages, I felt like she was honestly listening and receptive. ‘To say I’m having a crisis of faith would be an understatement, really. Like, you know actors? I’m like one of them on stage going, “What’s my motivation,” and instinctively I’ve always known what my next move is and what I do to get there. But I don’t really know what that motivation is any more.’