Keep Breathing

by Purdy, Alexia

  “This week? What does that mean? Absolutely no more at all!”

  “Please?” Her head shaking made me press my lips taut. “Come on, be a sport. Okay no more surprises.”

  My pleading wore her out, and she complied, crossing her arms to make it obvious she wasn’t at all happy about it. “Fine. This better be worth it.” I felt her incessant stare as it drilled into my cheek.

  “Oh, it’s very worth it.” I licked my lips, almost laughing out loud at her stubbornness. She grumbled as she closed her eyes right before I turned the car into a busy parking lot. I found a spot right away and switched the engine off. The place was flooded with vehicles and hordes of people were weaving in and out of the rows of cars. The place was as alive on the outside in the parking lot as it was sure to be inside the building.

  Jumping out, I jogged over to her side of the car and pulled the door open. “Ready? Keep them eyelids closed one more minute! Just be careful stepping down, it’s a huge step to the ground.”

  “I’m going to break an ankle.”

  “We really don’t want that happening, Penny. Especially here.”

  Her hands fumbled as she let her legs dangle down over the side of the truck. My arms were there to catch her when she slid further down. Her hips were thin and felt good encircled by my hands. Once she had found her balance, she pulled away ever so slightly.

  The distant thumping of bass music vibrated the ground, even out here in the parking lot. It felt like a rumbling earthquake as it traveled up through our legs. Penny tilted her head to listen to the sounds, and I could see her visibly start breathing faster, an apparent frown forming on her lips. I had to salvage the situation quickly, before I lost her into her little nerve wrecked world.

  “Okay, open your eyes.”

  Her lids slowly slipped open, and the look of awe—along with a touch of fear—flashed across her eyes. “A dance club?”

  “You still dance?”

  She gulped, and stared hard at the crowd of people filtering in and out through the doors, all in nightclub attire. “No…No…I—I didn’t dress for a nightclub. I can’t go in there.”

  “You’re kidding, right? You look fantastic!” Her tight black jean shorts and figure-hugging tank showed off her slim curves in all the right places. She glanced down, nervously smoothing her shirt down. She had nothing to fear, it hugged her deliciously and the shorts showed off her long, tanned legs. It was work enough to not reach over and run my fingers up her thighs and inhale her addictive scent.

  “I don’t really dance that much anymore.” Her eyes hit the floor, looking flustered and ashamed.

  “Really? You used to love it! Remember that time you dragged me—took me—line dancing? I was so clueless, I think I stepped on more people than anyone else that night. But it turned out to be a blast!”

  “Can we just go?” She was darting her eyes between me and the bustling crowd as she shuffled her feet side to side.

  I studied her face, desperately wanting to come up with a way to convince her otherwise. This couldn’t end wrong. It just had to work. “Just for a little bit.”

  “No.”

  “Please, Penny?”

  “I don’t know….” She didn’t move from her position, looking like she had grown roots into the asphalt. Her breathing had increased into short, shallow breaths as she paled before my eyes. Maybe she was readying to bust out into a full blown run, across the pavement and down the street. Just to get away from me and this place.

  “Hey.” I stepped closer, cupping her chin, bringing her eyes back toward me. “Don’t forget to breathe, Penny. Slowly, deeply….” There was no telling how far I’d pushed her. If it went too far, the evening was ruined. But if I’d caught it on time, maybe, just maybe I could rein her back in, focus her nervous energy where she could control it.

  The old fears were still there. I used to wake up in the middle of the night to find her pacing the room and chewing her nails to the nubs after a nightmare had shaken her awake. Anxiety would grasp her with a Titan’s grip, and she’d have such difficulty shaking it off. I’d pull her back from whatever oblivion it had sent her to until the monsters had drifted away and she could slip back into the arms of sleep once more.

  It was something I’d been good at back then, soothing her fear. The old habits die hard.

  “Hey, hey, breathe. Look at me, Penny.” Her glistening pupils blinked at me, her honey brown, green-speckled irises reflected the flashing neon lights. “Still getting those panic attacks?”

  She managed to nod as she continued to slow her breathing. Her body shook and I waited, hoping to not pressure her. “I’m sorry. I haven’t had any for a long time. Don’t know why I’m having so many lately.”

  I knew why. It was me. All because of me.

  “Okay.” I pulled her close and stroked her soft hair, letting her loose, spiraling tendrils slip through my fingers. The scent of citrus shampoo and some other pleasant, faded scent of lotion ensnared my senses. I felt her breath on my chest, through my shirt, warm and fast. The scents caught my attention and reminded me of the nights she’d fallen asleep in my arms. The longing in my chest arrested my own breathing, but I continued to let her steady herself against me. I realized she was wearing her favorite perfume. It was the same one I remembered smelling on my pillows for months after we’d broken up, it had become something I’d missed so much, especially when it no longer smelled of her. I had wished I’d asked her what brand it was, just to buy a bottle of it to spritz on the pillows anytime I was missing her. Funny how the little things we don’t think much about much are the things we miss the most.

  “Deep breaths,” I said. “We can just watch. You don’t have to dance, okay? We’ll enjoy the music and watch the crowd. Just keep breathing slowly, okay?”

  Her shoulders shuddered as she breathed, relaxing with each breath until she glanced up at me, looking a lot less pasty as a flutter of pink began to flush her cheeks. I squeezed her tighter, hoping she wouldn’t pull away just yet. This one moment was worth anything that could happen now.

  “You smell good. It’s… it’s nice to breathe you in again. I missed it,” she said.

  Grinning sheepishly, I pushed a strand of hair out of her eyes. “If you feel it coming on again, just pull me over and breathe me in. I don’t mind.” I gave her a wink, hoping my smile and funny facial expressions would settle her nerves. Anything to see her happy again.

  She gave a small laugh and let go of me. The loss of the warmth of her body left me feeling colder than I’d have liked, even in the heat of the summer night. I longed to feel her arms around me again.

  “Alright, let’s just watch. I could use a drink, though.” She had calmed down enough to pull me along behind her into the line snaking from the doorway.

  After flashing our I.D.s at the door and receiving black skull stamps on our hands, we entered the large dance club. The open-aired room was like a warehouse, painted glittery black inside with the pipes and AC ducts exposed to blend into the décor. A mirror ball hung from above the center of the wood dance floor. It glinted against the strobes as it spun, like a sparkling sun above the crowd. People were everywhere, and a thick layer of smoke permeated the air, stung my eyes and scraped down my throat.

  We paused beyond the entrance to take it all in. Like deer in headlights, we gawked at the half-naked dancers gyrating on their pedestals, which were barely wide enough for them to step side to side as their hips undulated and rolled seductively to the music. Their outfits were skin tight and barely covered vital areas. I wondered how they even got into those skimpy outfits for it seemed they’d have to be sewn into them, they were that snug.

  I remembered Penny dancing that way against me. Dancing was an escape for her, and she’d been doing it since she was a tiny ballerina on the stage of her local recreation center. When we were dating, she would sway her body around mine like no other woman I’d ever met. It’d been obvious she was comfortable moving her hips and floating abou
t the room and was very good at seducing me with just a few twirls and a sway of her hips. She’d dance and dance, grinding against my clumsy butt, lost in the music, making the crowd around us disappear. It’d been the time of my life, enjoying the arousal her prowling had caused me.

  What happened to us?

  I prayed that with the demise of our relationship being my fault, she’d find a way to forgive me. I knew she’d suffered damage before I had ever come around, but I was pretty sure it hadn’t been much help in keeping away her nightmares when we fell apart. To know she might’ve stopped dancing because of me made my soul shatter into a million, little shards. In the end, I’d make it up to her, or die trying. I had to.

  “Let’s hit the bar,” I suggested. She nodded, and slipped her fingers through mine as we made our way through the thick crowd. She tucked herself behind me, and I managed to slip past a knot of people and finally got to the bar.

  “Jack and Coke?”

  She mouthed a “yes,” and I flagged the bartender down, a busty blonde whose makeup was at least a quarter inch thick and a whiter smile than could possibly be natural. I was ignored for about ten minutes, which annoyed me to no end, and the crowd kept bumping into me. Penny didn’t get spared either, yelping when one stumbling drunk guy smashed her toes. I shoved him away, and he swayed, confused about what was going on before turning back around, swallowed by the crowd. Penny shrugged, and snaked her way to the bar, waving the other bartender down—a slender tattooed guy with spiked up blonde locks—with a flick of her wrist. I had to admit, she was the best-looking one there and was definitely hard to miss, even in her toned down outfit. She rocked it like no other.

  After we finally got our drinks, we headed over to where a few tables stood, half empty at the edge of the dance floor. The music changed from a classic rock tune to a dance techno mix, and the bass once again pumped out, vibrating the room. The floor was soon jam-packed with couples, girlfriends and groups of hopeful single guys. All were there searching for something. All of them studied each other, with lust and desire permeating the air like a thick, hormonal driven fog.

  “The music’s awesome!” Penny yelled out. I nodded, and finished off my drink, slamming it down on one of the empty tables. It had burned going down, the bartender had been generous. Turning back toward Penny I admired her pretty figure and shiny brown hair under the flashing, hypnotic lights. Her eyes were filled with longing, and I knew she wished she could just will away her inhibitions and give in to the infectious energy of the crowd. The music called to her, like an old lover begging for release. So much like me, waiting patiently beside her for any sign that it was okay to give her all she’s needed for so long, and all she hasn’t known she’s wanted.

  I grabbed her glass as she finished her drink and plopped it down on the table. “Come on.”

  “What? No!” She tugged back, her eyes wide in terror as she shook her head. “I’d rather stay here.”

  “Penny, there’s so many people out there. We look more exposed standing here gawking at everyone else. Let’s just bob to the music. You don’t have to dance, just enjoy the beat.” I tugged again. This time, she took a tentative step forward, squeezing my hand even tighter before following as I guided her into the crush of people. I led her to a small area where the elbows and feet weren’t as close together as others, and the crowd didn’t threaten to suffocate us as much.

  I faced her and started to dance, slowly bobbing to the beat as she stared at me, the fear ebbing from every part of her as she fought back a laugh. The sight of me dancing had to be ridiculous, but it was worth it to watch her loosen up. My arms flailed, and my feet were having a time not tripping on each other. My humiliation for her smiles; it was a perfect trade. I inched closer until I could pull her arms around my neck, slide my fingers around her slender hips and sway them to the rhythm of the hypnotic drum beats. She fought it, but I knew better. Her body craved the movement, like a memory resurfacing after too long submerged under a smothering bog. I kept on through her resistance until she relaxed slightly, amused by my awkward dance moves. I was pretty sure I looked like a fool, jerking like an epileptic having a fit. But it was working, and I knew no one else was really looking. I was focused on Penny, her beauty enticing in the foggy atmosphere.

  Somehow, the thick crowd created a kind of anonymity, letting her loosen up even more, and she realized this too. Her body found its rhythm as we continued to follow the music. Pressing my fingers against her hips, I could feel her warmth seeping through her clothes, her scent even stronger as a sheen of sweat coated her soft skin. I pulled her closer, needing to feel her warmth permeate my clothes, cling to me in more ways than one. Her heartbeat was fluttering under her chest, which brought a splash of pink to her cheeks as her lips turned upward, revealing her pearly white teeth. The entire world was gone to me. It was her, and only her, I wanted to see, wanted to feel, wanted to taste.

  The hypnotic beat transitioned into a slow rock song, and the dance floor cleared out, except for the couples who were now pasted to one other. Penny laced her fingers around my neck, looking like she was actually having a good time. I was beaming from ear to ear to see her so happy. It was the best thing I’d seen in such a long time. I could’ve stayed there forever, and a tiny pang of fear that it wouldn’t last hit me like a punch to the stomach, but I focused my thoughts back to the moment.

  “Thank you,” she whispered, her breath tickling my ear as her lips softly bumped against my skin. It sent a crackling thrill through me, reminding me how close she was. I’d imagined this moment for years, playing it out in my dreams, in my head over and over until I’d forgotten how unreal those scenarios had been. This was the real. This was so much more than what I imagined it to be, and I never wanted it to end.

  “For what?” I asked.

  “For this. The dancing, the music. I missed it. Never realized just how much it’s a part of me. You remembered though. You knew it’d be okay. Thank you.”

  I tilted my head, and our foreheads touched as we danced. I was slightly taller than her, but not by much. I could easily lean forward to kiss her soft pink lips, they were so close.

  “The pleasure is mine. I have you to thank.”

  Her confusion played across her face as her eyes flicked between mine, shining under the sparkling lights above. The colors had darkened in the dim lighting, making her irises liquid black. “Why do you have to thank me? I’ve been such a pain.”

  “Nah. You, a pain?” Shaking my head, I pulled her even closer, leading her around the dance area since now we had a bit more room. I loved the feel of her curves hugging my body, her voluptuous breasts pressing against my chest. Our hearts thudded to the slow beat, and sweat gleamed across our foreheads. I took a moment to glance around and saw that most of the couples were grinding against each other or embraced in deep, passionate kissing. It was a lovebird nest fest out there.

  “You couldn’t be a pain if you tried,” I said, turning back to Penny. “I was the pain in the ass. I only wish you’d forgotten about all that already. I know it’s not easy, I was such a fool but I promise to make up each and every hurt I might’ve caused you. I promise.”

  Her face darkened slightly, making me desperate to change the subject and bring back the happiness which had just passed across it. Anything for a smile from her again. I never thought seeing her frown would hurt so much but it hit me across the chest, and I reached up to cup her face, desperate to reclaim the moment.

  Her gaze held mine glued to hers. My fingers caressed the softness of her cheek, pink and full of life. Nothing would take this moment from us, not even the stubborn fear that lingered in her shiny eyes. I wanted to wipe it free from her memory, to replace it with nothing but a great love that could withstand the test of years and broken hearts. I was hungry for this, and I could see she was too.

  The music blurred into another dance number, and I motioned her back to the edge of the dance floor, finally breaking the spell of our soul-searchin
g stares. “How about another drink?” I waved toward the bar again, feeling the tension building back up once more. I needed to loosen up, too. It was stifling hot in the room, and the crowd had thickened while we’d been dancing.

  She nodded, and followed close behind me, our fingers laced tightly together as we braved the crowd at the bar once more. There was nothing like alcohol to bring the barriers down, not just for her, but for myself as well. Fear of screwing up again ate away at my heart; it was the last thing I wanted to do. The question was, once I broke down her barriers, would I mess it up again? Would I do something stupid and foolish again to push her away again? I knew I didn’t want to, but the past few years hadn’t been easy, and I hadn’t let anyone in since we’d separated. Maybe my own walls were the taller obstacle to demolish. These would be harder for me to break down than anything else.

  Yet, as we stood there waving down the bartenders and laughing at little jokes we made about the different characters stumbling by us as we sipped our drinks, I felt something I hadn’t felt in a really long time. Hope.

  The night ahead was full of possibilities.

  Chapter Twelve

  Penny

  I’M SURE THERE was more to this than I thought there was. The dancing, the close proximity of his body…I was so hopelessly toast. Who can resist that? It was an impossible feat and it left me wondering just how much I was going to pay for it this time around. One could only hope that the price wouldn’t be as steep as it’d been the last time Seth had squashed my heart into a million little pieces for everyone to step on and crush under the soles of their shoes.

  My impulse to run as far away from this man had been on high alert all evening. Even after we danced and twirled in the absorbing music that had me lose my senses in a wicked way to the beats. Seth was a horrible dancer, but it hadn’t stopped him from moving us onto the dance floor and getting me to lose my inhibitions and dance the night away. Drink after drink and my head was vibrating with the beats as sweat dripped down my neck and his scent intensified as the time went on.