Chaos at Coconuts

by Beth Carter

  “You’re impossible.” Alex turned on her heel and stormed off.

  Nikki yelled out her window at Alex’s retreating back. “Stay away from my husband and even further away from my son.”

  Alex couldn’t resist flipping her the bird. She didn’t care if a bank customer saw or heard her. “Whatever,” she yelled. And . . . Tony’s your ex-husband. Maybe you should have considered that when you slept with his fucking brother.”

  Clearly enraged, Nikki reversed her Jeep, did a U-turn, and gunned the gas pedal, nearly running over Alex in the parking lot.

  Alex scrambled to get out of the way. In the process, she tripped over an empty grocery cart, scraped both knees, and sprawled on the asphalt. She shakily sat up and shook her fist in the air. “You crazy bitch. You tried to kill me.”

  Nikki sped off. Stunned, Alex shoved her trembling hand inside her purse to tell Tony about yet another encounter with his wicked ex. Before she finished dialing his number, her phone rang. The screen read JIM HOOBAN.

  Shit. I don’t want to talk to my boss. Maybe I can let it go to voicemail. Shit. Shit. Shit. She stared at the screen for another second before pragmatism got the best of her. Damn it. I need my job more than jockeying with Tony’s crazed ex.

  Alex somehow found her professional voice and answered. After she listened to what her boss had to say, she covered her face with her free hand. Noooo. Not this. Not now.

  Chapter 78

  Still unsteady after nearly being run over by Nikki, Alex shifted her phone to her other ear, leaned against someone’s car, and tried to concentrate on what her boss said on the other line. Jim droned on and on about a recent board meeting while unknowing grocery customers pushed carts laden with food across the lot.

  The bank president eventually got to the point. “Enough about the meeting. How soon can you pack your bags?”

  “Pack? For what?”

  “Our newest board member, Mrs. Timmons, recommended you go to a branding conference. Do you know what that is?”

  “Of course, I know what branding is. I’m head of marketing, remember? Besides, I created a ‘Bank Locally’ branding campaign last year.” Geeze. Alex knew her tone was sharp. She needed her job. Attempting to lighten up, she asked, “Where’s the conference?”

  “Louisville, Kentucky. It’s a four-day conference. Registration is tomorrow evening. Sorry for the short notice but Mrs. Timmons thought it would be helpful and I agree.”

  Good ol’ Mrs. Timmons. “So, I’ll be back at work in a few days?”

  “Maybe. Maybe not.” Jim’s tone grew louder and more animated, clearly eager about whatever he was about to tell her.

  “That’s the other exciting news. We’ve had several extended back-and-forth discussions at previous board meetings and unanimously came to the conclusion that we’d like to acquire several community banks. In fact, the board and I have already submitted offers to purchase said banks.” He paused, evidently waiting for a response, but Alex was too stunned to speak.

  Jim continued, “We eventually plan to acquire and rename a consortium of Show-Me Banks in a four-state region. I should hear from the commercial broker later today whether our offers have been accepted. I have a good feeling they will be.”

  Alex’s shoulders drooped. She stared at the endless, blue sky wishing she were a bird and could fly away. “That is some news.”

  “You don’t sound very excited,” Jim said.

  “Sorry. I’ve had an eventful twenty-four hours.” If he only knew . . .

  “Everything okay?” The bank president’s inflection changed.

  “Everything’s fine.” Alex cradled the phone to her ear as she crossed the lot and climbed inside her car. After starting the engine, she turned the air on full blast since she had suddenly broken out in a full-body sweat.

  Leaning against the headrest, she asked, “What about my job? I have several television and radio deadlines. I’ve signed media contracts. I need to finalize scripts and do a practice run with the lenders who are featured in the commercials.” Barely taking a breath, she added, “There’s also a Home Builders’ Association trade show coming up, not to mention the ground breaking for the new bank that we sorely need to dis—”

  Her boss interrupted her soliloquy. “Our ground breaking is on the back burner. In fact, if we acquire the other banks, we won’t break ground this year. We’ll just retain the land for future use.”

  “And what about my deadlines?”

  “Hannah can handle them, I’m sure. You’ve trained her well.”

  Alex sneered into the phone, thankful her boss couldn’t see her. Hannah the Horrible, Daddy’s precious daughter, taking over even more of my job. That’s just icing on the damn cake.

  She sighed. “Should I come to the office today? I need to bring Hannah up to speed on several projects.”

  “No need. I’ll tell her. Pack. My administrative assistant is booking your plane ticket now. She’ll email it to you later today. I told Rexanna to get you on the first flight out tomorrow morning.”

  Alex winced. Damn morning people. I’ll have to leave my house in the middle of the freaking night. “Okay, I guess I’ll see you when I see you. I’ll email Hannah later and tell her my most pressing deadlines.”

  “If the offers go through, I’ll let you know which bank you’ll travel to first after the branding conference. You’ll have to rent a car, of course.”

  “What exactly will I be doing?” Alex turned the air down from Mach 5.

  “Your assignment will be to train their marketing execs, some of whom will likely be the branch manager or an administrative assistant since several of these small-town banks won’t have much of a marketing budget. They certainly don’t have a large budget to hire someone of your expertise. That’s where you come in. That was part of our proposal to the community banks, in fact.”

  Would have been nice if I had known about these discussions. Damn confidentiality agreements. Alex ran her fingers through her hair and managed a meager, “Thanks for your confidence. Bye.”

  After she hung up, Alex threw her phone on the seat. She couldn’t even remember why she was at the grocery store. It didn’t matter now. She had to race home, do laundry, and pack. The near-miss, hit-and-run conversation with Tony’s insane ex would have to wait. He probably wouldn’t believe her anyway.

  Chapter 79

  After decorating the punch and candy table and chatting with Marc who blanketed the aisle with black roses, Suzy grabbed a quick baked potato at Wendy’s. She drove back to Crystal City Park a bundle of excitement and nerves, as was her nature before all of her weddings.

  Thrilled with how the Halloween theme had come together, she couldn’t wait to see the bride and groom, the guests, and post photos on her Weddings by Suzanne Facebook page. As she hurried toward the festive venue, she felt relief. I pulled it off.

  As the costumed wedding guests arrived, Suzy played the theme from ‘The Exorcist’ to set the mood. She and Rodney had researched several Halloween-themed songs for the ceremony. Thankfully, Fernando and Jon had loaded them on her iPad and let her borrow a Bluetooth speaker. She didn’t want to embarrass Priscilla and Rodney with her old-school boom box but had a feeling they wouldn’t have cared.

  After turning up the volume, she took a seat on the third row and glanced at the invitees who whispered and giggled as they filled the black folding chairs.

  The Internet-ordained minister wore a black cape, black pants, and a high-collared black shirt. Suzy’s eyes widened. He looks exactly like a vampire, fangs and all. She marveled at how well the wedding had come together. Just because it was an out-of-the-box ceremony with a tiny budget, didn’t mean she hadn’t worked her heart out for Priscilla and Rodney.

  “As Freaks Come Out At Night” by Whodini played, Suzy observed the guests
’ costumes. Many were dressed as skeletons, witches, mummies, zombies, pirates, ghosts, and even political figures. The unusual array made her laugh. Halloween weddings in the spring might become a trend. Maybe I should start a Pinterest page too.

  For her costume, she had drawn a spider and web on her cheek with black eyebrow pencil and wore a knee-length lacy black dress, black lace-up boots, black gloves, and a half-black veil that partially covered her shoulder-length red hair. Suzy winked as Rodney gave her an appreciative thumbs-up while he waited for his bride to walk down the aisle.

  Towering above the minister and standing at least six foot six inches with the lifts in his shoes, Rodney’s greenish face was aglow with anticipation and nervous sweat. Suzy wondered how they had adhered the bolts to his neck and admired the perfectly spaced spiky points on his Frankenstein-like bangs.

  The humble crowd of about thirty guests grew quiet as “Love Song for a Vampire” by Annie Lennox played. She knew the hauntingly beautiful song would be perfect for the bridal march. Later, Suzy discovered Priscilla and Rodney loved her musical selection.

  As the evocative song played, Priscilla appeared dressed in a black lace, corseted maxi dress with a plunging V-neck. She held a moderate bouquet of black roses tied together with several, long blood-red ribbons. Suzy’s mouth flew open. She told me she found the perfect dress at a thrift shop and she was right.

  Suzy noticed the bride had tucked a black rose behind one ear which wasn’t easily detectable with her jet-black hair. Her pale skin against her red lipstick was equally striking. As she took photos and zoomed in on the bride, Suzy beamed. She couldn’t have been more proud of the bride who had obviously taken great pains on her special day.

  Priscilla walked herself down the aisle, which saddened Suzy. All because of a forked tongue and Rodney’s horns? Is that all it took for their parents to disown their kids and ignore their big wedding day? She groaned inwardly and forced herself to focus on the happy couple. When Priscilla got closer to the front, someone handed her a black witch’s hat which she happily donned.

  Rodney glowed even brighter when he saw his bride. He reached for her with his green hand. As the couple locked eyes, Suzy’s heart swelled. They were obviously in love. The guests seemed to hang on every word as the vampire minister recited the vows.

  After the vampire official asked the couple to proclaim their love, they exchanged their modest, silver bands from Wal-Mart.

  Suzy leaned forward as she strained to hear them repeat their vows. She addressed her zombie neighbor. “Did the bride just say, ‘I boo’?”

  Suzy chuckled. Actually, that’s the perfect response for this ceremony.

  The guests seemed enthralled with the unique ceremony and theme. Suzy noticed the crowd was relaxed since they were in costume. After Rodney and Priscilla kissed, loud cheers, whistles, and fist pumps filled the air. The song, “Thriller” by Michael Jackson played as the newly married couple held hands and practically skipped back up the aisle with their arms in the air.

  Standing near the skeleton and coffin, Priscilla and Rodney greeted and hugged their guests. After everyone had gone through the receiving line, the music restarted.

  Guests cheered as the bride and groom swayed to “I Put A Spell On You” by Screamin’ Jay Hawkins. The crowd joined in and danced to “Howlin’ For You” by The Black Keys.

  Suzy had agreed to take photos since they couldn’t afford a photographer. She got close-ups of the bride and groom, their friends, the cake, the minister, the marriage license, bouquet, their rings, costumes, the black rose petals, and anything else she thought they’d want to remember. She even took a selfie by the punch bowl. Combined with a cash gift, she planned to create a wedding album for the couple.

  After the songs ended, Rodney and Priscilla stood behind a two-layered chocolate wedding cake covered in dripping red icing with a miniature zombie couple perched on top. Several black roses and black candles adorned the table. Guests admired the decorations, took selfies, and commented on the red punch with the creepy, floating green hands. The gloves and punch were a huge hit. Thank you, Martha Stewart.

  Suzy mingled with the crowd and smiled when she spotted guests taking yet more selfies beside the life-sized skeleton. I’ve got to tell everyone to tag me on Facebook so I can add the photos to my Weddings by Suzanne page. This will be a huge social media hit. Maybe it’ll even trend online. I can’t wait to show Alex and Hope.

  To lighten the mood, Suzy played the theme song from The Addams Family. Everyone sang along to the familiar, old-time television show song while the couple cut the cake. As if on cue, after they smashed handfuls of chocolate cake in each other’s faces, hundreds of bats from the park’s cave flew overhead. It was as if the bats had been paid to perform.

  When she spotted the bats, Priscilla’s mouth flew open showing cake on her forked tongue. Rodney kissed his bride. Suzy photographed the special moment, and luckily, captured the bats overhead.

  After the creatures flew back inside the cave, cake was served to the crowd. As they waited in line, guests happily devoured handfuls of “Poison” black licorice and “Eat if You Dare” red hots while chatting with the happy couple.

  While Suzy tidied the cake table, she overhead two women dressed as ghost pirates mention an after-party with a band and booze. The word spread quickly and guests scattered, obviously ready to continue partying.

  As the crowd dwindled, Crystal City Park became eerily vacant except for an occasional jogger and a few lingering invitees. The sun had long set. Suzy shivered. She didn’t want to encounter a scene from The Birds except with bats.

  Rodney offered to place the skeleton in Suzy’s passenger seat. As he carried the figure away, she laughed as he buckled the newly dubbed Mr. Bones in her car.

  “I hope I don’t get stopped by a cop,” Suzy said. “They’ll never believe this.”

  “We’ll verify for you,” Rodney said.

  Priscilla appeared and tugged on his hand. “Come on, husband. We have a party to get to.” She threw herself against Suzy. “You’re the best wedding planner in the world. This was awesome. Better than awesome. It couldn’t have been better.”

  “What every little girl dreams of,” Suzy teased.

  “What I’ve always dreamed of,” Priscilla said.

  “And that’s what counts.” Suzy glanced at the cake table. “Why don’t you take the rest of the cake to your party?” The punch bowl was empty. “Apparently your guests liked the blood punch.”

  Rodney rubbed a bolt on his neck. “Are you kidding? Everyone loved it. The floating hands were sick.” He extended a green hand. “Thank you again.”

  Suzy watched as the new couple left hand in hand. Rodney balanced the cake with his free hand, opened the trunk, and set it gently inside.

  She scanned the almost-vacant area. Some of the guests had already folded the chairs and propped them against the cake table. As she waited for the rental company to pick up the chairs and cake table, Suzy glanced at the now-empty coffin which had been stuffed with presents and gift bags. Oh, dear. I hope Rodney remembered to have that picked up. I don’t want to leave a casket in the park. As if she had sent a telepathic message to the funeral home driver, a hearse drove up and two men jumped out. Suzy pointed. “It’s over there.”

  Chapter 80

  The next morning, Suzy opened her Weddings by Suzanne Facebook page and posted several photos from the Halloween wedding. Her face lit up as a flurry of likes, fun comments, and shares immediately followed each unique photo. Priscilla happened to be online and wrote a touching testimonial. I love my brides and my job.

  Her phone vibrated. She glanced at the screen and read a text from Alex.

  Hey, Suze. Did you get my message yesterday about having to go on the fucking road?

  Suzy felt guilty for not responding and texted: Sor
ry. I was at my Halloween wedding. I didn’t have time to respond. How is life on the road?

  Shitty. I’m in banking hell. I’m sure Hannah has her feet all over the top of my desk about now. This is the last thing I wanted to do.

  Suzy wanted to console Alex and texted: Maybe it won’t be so bad.

  It’ll be worse than bad. By the way, Tony’s ex is stalking me. She was in my house and—

  Suzy stiffened. What? Have you reported this to the police? What happened?

  Tony is the police. He was in bed with me, his ex was in my hallway, but she disappeared like a freakin’ ghost before he saw her. He doesn’t believe me.

  Suzy frowned. That’s scary.

  There’s more. She followed me to a grocery store and tried to run over me. Will you and Hope drive by my house on occasion? Make sure she doesn’t burn it down or move in.

  Suzy walked to the kitchen, poured more coffee, and took a sip while she continued texting. Sure. Anything to help. Tony comes with complications, doesn’t he?

  He’s lucky he’s good in bed.

  Suzy spewed her coffee. That’s the Alex I know and love.

  Miss you guys. How’s Coconuts?

  Suzy was tired of texting but could tell Alex needed to chat and was obviously lonely. Been too busy to go. Maybe we should wait for you.

  No, go and have a glass of chardonnay for me. Alex added a smiley face.

  Suzy glanced at the morning news before answering. Silly, you know I prefer red.

  Hey, if I’m on the road in a dinky town where there isn’t a bar in sight, you can drink a damn white wine for me.