Radiant Point

by Brei Betzold

  “Sorry,” I muttered, “congratulations.” I waited for her to tell me that we were moving, that I needed to pack what was important to me.

  She nodded. “Thanks, honey.” She smiled softly. “He’s a great guy; I never expected to see him again let alone for this to happen.” I noticed then that her eyes were sparkling, something I couldn’t remember ever seeing before. “We’re going to Vegas next week.” She grinned. “I’m so nervous, but so excited.” I nodded along as she continued to gush about her future husband while I thought what about me, Momma?

  “Trinity, you’re an adult now. You don’t need me as much, and well, he lives an hour away. It wouldn’t be fair to you to move you in the middle of your senior year. So we decided to pay the rent and bills for the trailer until you graduate.” She patted my hand. “Isn’t that nice of him?”

  I just blinked, not sure if I heard her correctly. Next thing I knew, she’s giving me a quick hug before telling me she’ll be in touch. Then she’s gone, and I’m still confused about what had just happened. She’s getting married, moving away, and leaving me behind? I’m an adult now, I’m not an adult, it’s a fucking number! A useless, arbitrary number that someone along the way chose out of a hat; a number society uses to mark that line between childhood and adulthood. At that exact moment I didn’t feel like an adult, I was a confused child that was just told she was alone and I wanted nothing more than to curl up in my mommy’s lap, to let her soothe the hurt.

  Soon the hurt dissipated into fury, how could she just leave me? Did I never matter to her? Did she ever love me? I jumped to my feet and grabbed the first item my hand found and threw it. The first was quickly followed with a second item. I screamed, and it was like a vent releasing the pressure, so I continued to scream and throw things. I kept on until I was exhausted and I fell onto the couch, tears streaming down my face. My only real thought was what was wrong with me?

  I’m not sure how much time elapsed between my mom leaving and Jeron showing up. I just know that as soon as I registered he was sitting beside me, I crawled into his lap. I held on to him tightly while he held me just as tight. He let me cry, rubbed my back and held me while I cried over the loss of my childhood. I probably should have been embarrassed for him to find me this way, except it was Jeron. Jeron, my hero, my friend. I prayed to an unknown entity that he wouldn’t leave me. That he would be the one person who wouldn’t walk away from me.

  When I calmed down, Jeron kissed my forehead. “Happy birthday, Trinity.”

  I gave him a small, forced smile. “Thanks, Jeron.”

  I appreciated him even more when he didn’t question the tears. Nor did he ask questions about the state of the trailer. He just held me, and I was going to take this contact for as long as he allowed it.

  He wiped the tears from my cheek and gave me a real smile instead of his normal cocky smirk. “I brought you something.” He motioned toward the coffee table, and when I looked over my breath caught. Jeron Price, the resident bad boy, the man that the moms in town warned their daughters about, bought me the first real birthday cake I’d ever gotten. It was a small rectangle cake that you would buy pre-decorated at the grocery store, but to me it was the most beautiful cake ever made. Written in uneven script was ‘Happy 18th Trinity’ I had to blink away the tears and take a deep breath before I started crying again.

  Once I got myself under control, I turned and kissed Jeron on the cheek. “Thank you, Jeron; you have no idea what this means to me.”

  He ran his fingers through my hair and pulled me into the crease of his neck and just held me. Jeron turned what was the worst birthday, the worst day for me, into something magical just by seeing me. It was a gift I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to return.

  That day I became an adult, I also realized that family was more than blood that ran through your veins. It was the simple and hard act of acceptance freely given by someone who cares about you. That day Jeron Price became my family.

  As I look back now on my life, I realize how utterly stupid I was.

  As teenagers we make grand plans, we think the world is ours to conquer. Then we learn how easily it is for the world to conquer us. No, things didn’t work out the way I once dreamed of, but if they had I would have missed so many things.

  Every day is a lesson learned, and I wish I’d paid closer attention in the early days, that I’d noticed all the special moments and locked them away for those days you just can’t make it out of bed.

  After my mother left me to my own devices, not much changed. It’s astonishing really. I was hurt of course, but day to day, my life was the same. Well mostly the same. Jeron at that point became a daily occurrence instead of a weekly one. He checked in at least once a day, although he still kept me far away from his life outside of my trailer. It was in this time together that my crush turned into loving from the shadows. I got to see a Jeron that very few were privileged with. When he walked in the door it was like his mask slipped, and I got to see the Jeron that worried about his sister, who stressed about his job. I got to see the Jeron who liked nothing more than to curl up on the couch and watch old movies on my shit television and just be.

  It’s not like I was wearing rose-colored glasses though; I knew about the girls he dated. I heard rumors in the halls about the parties, drugs, and stupid things that happened the weekend before. It was just that when we were, Trin and Jer, none of that was a part of our lives. I didn’t ask about his time away from me, and he didn’t offer any information. And it wasn’t that I didn’t have questions, I had thousands; I just didn’t think it was my place to ask. I was as much as his refuge as he was mine, and neither of us wanted to taint that.

  It was when it was thrust in my face though that it became obvious just how naive I really was. When I came home from work one night and found Jeron pressing a girl from my school against his old rusted truck, my heart cracked. Like I said, I’d heard the stories, but I’d never once witnessed it firsthand. I took a deep breath before exiting my car; I had to keep the tears at bay, because I realized something in that minute I sat in the car― hearing about something was so different from seeing it.

  I waved at Jeron and headed to my door, trying to keep my eyes forward. I didn’t need to see anymore, him shoving his tongue down her throat while she tried to climb him like a tree was enough for my poor heart. Though a part of me shattered when the girl asked if I knew him, and he said no.

  No, I guess that version of Jeron didn’t know me, did he? Just like I didn’t know him, nor did I want to.

  The next morning was one of those days I wished I was stronger when Jer showed up with a cup of coffee. Instead of calling him out on his bullshit, I just accepted the coffee for what it was, a silent apology.

  Unfortunately that wasn’t the last time I saw that version of Jeron; I’d just learned to ignore him. I preferred my Jeron over the public Jeron any day.

  It wasn’t until Christmas break that I couldn’t continue to keep it contained.

  I’d had a particularly brutal day at work; I hated working retail during the holidays, and all I wanted to do was curl up on my couch. Instead I pull up to find yet another girl in Jeron’s arms, and per usual I try to ignore it. Except this time I just couldn’t. Sometimes being invisible has it benefits, one of those is that people don’t watch what they say around you. Say like when you’re standing in the girls’ bathroom before school and two girls come in, and one is complaining about how a football player gave her Chlamydia. Now I could have ignored the situation, and I almost did. It wasn’t my business what Jeron did, or with whom.

  Except this was my friend, right? Shouldn’t I warn him, isn’t that what a friend would do? I mean I would want my friend to tell me information like this if they had it right? Yes, I would want to know, only this wasn’t my friend Jeron, this was my neighbor Jeron. Where was the line drawn? Was I his friend when it came to his health? Or just his nosey neighbor? I stood at my car staring, trying to figure out the answer to those questi
ons. That’s when they noticed me of course, while I was staring at Jeron. He just glanced over at me then went back to kissing the girl’s neck.

  The girl on the other hand wasn’t as easily appeased. “What are you looking at, freak?” she shouted across the small strip of grass that separated our trailers.

  I don’t know why I said what I did; typically I would have mumbled nothing and quickly walked away. In fact I’d just talked myself out of saying anything, this wasn’t my version of Jeron it was hers. Instead I looked back at her and I felt something inside me snap. I was so tired, oh was I tired. My mom didn’t want me, Jeron only wanted me when it was convenient for him, and I wanted someone else to hurt for just a moment. So I asked before even realizing what I was saying. “Does he know you have the clap?” Then turned to walk away.

  I watched in the peripheral as Jeron pushed away from the girl. “The fuck?” he growled and stared at her. The girl was too busy staring at me murderously to notice Jeron.

  “Trinity?”

  “Yea, Jer?”

  “How?”

  I turned once I was at the door, key in the lock. “She was talking about it with one of her friends at school last week.” I regretted it immediately, that wasn’t me. My entire life I knew how it felt to have people comment about me. It wasn’t something enjoyable, so I didn’t do it to others. I walked inside and shut them both out. I could hear both of them yelling, but I turned my cheap stereo on and drowned them and my own guilt out.

  It wasn’t until I was curled up on the couch that I really realized what I’d just done. My simple life at school was about to become a lot more difficult. I tried to push it out of my head; I knew what was done was done. And to be honest my life already sucked, what more could they do at this point?

  Half an hour later Jeron walked in, looked down at me and nodded. I nodded back and scooted over so he could sit down with me. We spent the rest of the evening not talking, not needing to talk.

  Those minutes with Jeron, those quiet moments are the ones I savor the most. The ones where all we needed was to breathe and we left reality at the door. They were few and far between, which made them even sweeter.

  It was by some unspoken rule that we didn’t speak of the lack of a father in Jeron’s life or the disappearance of my mother from mine. I think we both understood what happened; we became the forgotten children. We were the last remembrance of a piece of history that our parents didn’t want to remember, so it was easier to act as though we didn’t exist than it was to face their past.

  That first Christmas with Jeron was an interesting experience. Christmas in my house was the same as any other holiday, basically ignored. Jeron and Beth though had traditions, and memories from when their mother was still alive. They took great effort to try and recreate those traditions each year. It was eye opening for me; I never thought I was missing much, but they showed me what it really meant to be a part of a family. That was the first of many I spent with the Price’s.

  That year we took traditions and made them ours; Beth and I became friends over laughing at Jeron as he tried to untangle lights for the fake tree from the dollar store. Jeron snuggled with arms over Beth and me while watching A Christmas Story. We attempted to cook a homemade dinner and then ended up at Denny’s when it was inedible. We fell asleep on their living room floor while staring at the blinking lights reflecting from the walls and whispering of Christmas’s past. Though not one of us brought up Christmas future; I don’t think any of us wanted to jinx the possibilities to come.

  The New Year came with little fanfare, then the last semester of my senior year started, and surprisingly I was left alone even after the Chlamydia debacle. It was in February that I got my first acceptance letter, and I was on top of the world. Then more came, and I realized I was going to get out of there, go on to do great things. I was excited, nervous, and scared, trying to sift through the schools and choose where I wanted to go.

  Then my bubble was popped; I was declined financial aid. The small scholarships that I was awarded weren’t enough, and the grants I had applied for fell through. I didn’t understand how that could happen; we didn’t have money, so why didn’t I qualify for loans? Here I was in April with stacks of acceptance letters, yet unable to leave.

  It felt like all the oxygen had been sucked out of the universe. I had worked so hard and now it was all disintegrating in front of me. My life was spiraling out of control and all I wanted to do was curl up under a blanket and mourn.

  I found out from the school counselor that while I didn’t have any money, my mother’s new husband in fact did. When my mom filed her tax return married joint that year, she in essence fucked me. It didn’t help that I hadn’t seen or heard from my mom since October, nor did she answer when I called.

  I was well and truly fucked; no I was fucked in the ass sideways. I wasn’t old enough to apply for financial aid myself. Everything I had worked towards was gone, and there wasn’t a thing I could do to fix it.

  That chilly April night Jeron found me lying on the roof of my trailer. There was a meteor shower that night that we were told to watch for my astronomy class. I pulled up a sleeping bag and laid it out across the tin room along with a six pack of beer I found in the fridge and stared at the sky, which is how Jeron found me. I was on my third beer, and found out I was a light weight when it came to alcohol.

  “Jeron,” I trilled when I saw him sit beside me.

  The look he gave me was part astonishment, part amusement. “What are you up to, Trin?”

  “Waiting for the meteor shower, and drinking beer.” I hiccupped and then started giggling.

  Jer just shook his head at me and took the beer from my hand, finishing it off. “Since when do you drink, Trinity?”

  I gazed up at him. “Why shouldn’t I drink? What’s the point of being good and trying hard if you’re just going to be fucked in the ass?” Then I burst into tears, and told Jer everything that had happened. I told him about being accepted into college, then how I couldn’t go. I spewed about how long I had worked for this, and now because my mom found a good, rich fuck I was losing everything. I finally told him how my mom came to me on my birthday, that I was alone, and scared. I didn’t know what I was going to do after graduation when the trailer was no longer paid for. I unloaded everything on him and he let me. After I was done he wiped my eyes and lay back with me curled up in his side while we waited for nature’s show to begin.

  He didn’t placate me and say everything would work out. Instead he just held me, my head resting on his chest, and we waited. We waited for the universe to show us a spectacular light show, and to forget for a little bit that things aren’t okay. That every now and then the heavens light up, and the illusion’s we have are true.

  I pointed up. “That’s the radiant point.”

  Jeron smoothed my hair from my forehead. “The radiant point, huh?”

  “It’s the place where the shower starts, or well appears to start I guess, like everything else it’s based on perception.”

  “You know a lot about this stuff.”

  I sighed quietly. “I love science.”

  Jeron placed a light kiss on my forehead. “My little science geek,” he murmured. Then the show began and neither of us spoke again, we just sat back and watched celestial beings zip through the sky above us.

  While the other seniors shopped for prom, counted down the days until graduation, I searched for a place to live. My boss had already offered me a full time position when I graduated but even with that I wasn’t going to make enough to pay for the trailer and bills on my own. I had no idea how my mom did it, but then again I remember many times when we went without because she couldn’t make it work either. I forced myself to give up the daydream of college, and instead focused on surviving. I’d already been informed that the rent had only been paid up until the end of May. That gave me a month and a half to find a place to live, or I’d be sleeping in my car.

  By the middle of May I was str
essed, tired and sick. I hadn’t found any place to live yet and the land lord had already informed me he had new tenants moving in, in June. Apparently my mother called and told him that we would be out the beginning of June. If I wasn’t so close to graduating I would have quit.

  Jeron found me one evening on the couch asleep on my calculus II textbook. I hadn’t brought up my situation again since our drunken meteor show. He had enough of his own to deal with that he didn’t need my added bullshit. Except that night I had hit my breaking point, I had finals the next week; then when they were finished I’d be homeless. When I woke with my head in his lap, I curled around him and cried into his shirt. Finally letting all of my fears out, the entire time he ran his fingers through my hair. When I was finished, he told me that I was moving in with him and Beth. We were going to find a real house, that didn’t have wheels. The three of us could make it on our own, fuck our parental units.

  The next day, Jer came over with boxes and we began packing up the life I wanted to remember and leaving behind that which I didn’t. The day I was supposed to graduate high school I moved into my first real house with Jeron and Beth.

  That day was our radiant point; our lives began for real.

  Living with Jeron and Beth was a very different experience from living with my mother. For one they were fun to watch. They bickered constantly about everything, never having siblings I hadn’t experienced a relationship like that. Second my friendship with Beth was something I had never expected. It turned out that the two of us had a lot in common, one of which was that neither of us wanted Jeron bringing his girls back here. I didn’t think I could handle walking into the only bathroom in our small three bedroom house we rented in the middle of the night and finding that nights lay in there. Beth, because she was tired of the skanks, as she referred to them, in her home.

  Jeron agreed to our terms only with the addition of no one was allowed to bring home a playmate. This pissed Beth off since she had visions of bringing her boyfriend around for more amorous meetings. I didn’t care; the rule didn’t really apply to me. It wasn’t as if I had a line of guys waiting to ask me out so I just shrugged and easily agreed.