Baby's First Christmas

by Pratt, Lulu

  She laughed at herself, shrugging her shoulders before she continued. “Well, in high school, Leann and I started this tradition where we’d spend Valentine’s Day together. We drink Champagne and eat chocolates, watch a movie, the whole nine.”

  “So you do celebrate Valentine’s Day, you just have a standing reservation with Leann?” I teased, watching her cheeks redden as they always did when she was embarrassed.

  “I realized that as I was describing it,” she admitted, covering her mouth as she laughed.

  “It’s sweet,” I smiled, unable to refuse reflecting her happiness.

  At the bar with Dylan, he’d mentioned how Holly refused to introduce her family to men she dated, but before that I’d never noticed how private she was. She was far too beautiful and vivacious to not date while she was in college, but unlike the other girls in Savannah, eager to parade their potential beau around family and friends, she attended everything solo.

  “You’ve never had a boyfriend?” I asked, again shocking her. When it came to Holly, everything felt urgent and I found myself ignoring the rules for decorum.

  “Of course I’ve had a boyfriend. I just mean I’ve never had a serious boyfriend who would do the whole balloons and roses bit,” she rolled her eyes.

  “So, you’ve never been treated how you deserve?”

  “What?”

  Her eyes shot to mine, defensive at first, and then confused. She was trying to read something, but I wasn’t sure what. I hated when I couldn’t read her thoughts, because we were usually so connected I felt her feelings without explanation.

  Holly stared at me with curiosity for so long it made me uncomfortable, the silence overwhelming. I was just about to ask if I’d offended her when she flashed a quick smile and returned to her story as if I’d never interrupted her.

  “We usually go as far as renting a hotel room and everything, but because Leann had her own place, we just had a girls’ night there. We were drinking and watching Pretty Woman,” she giggled.

  “A classic love story,” I interjected.

  “Classic! Leann had made this shrimp dish, and after I ate it, I knew something was off,” she twisted her face, scrunching her nose like she’d smelled a foul scent.

  “Maybe Leann just couldn’t cook,” I shrugged.

  “That’s what I thought when I started throwing up,” she shook her head. “But it was different than a stomach sickness. I just knew something was off, and when Leann mentioned I could be pregnant, I kind of knew she was right,” she admitted, smirking as she recalled her best friend’s prediction.

  “So, you took a test?” I asked.

  “Four or five,” she said flatly.

  “What?! I’ve never understood that. Did you think it was wrong?”

  “It’s just so unbelievable! I mean, me? Pregnant!? It was like a dream,” she sighed, as I felt a sudden longing to be able to be there for her, when she felt alone with a secret she refused to share.

  “Holly,” I said, pausing before I continued as I waited for her undivided attention. She turned to me, looking up into my eyes, and I felt in my gut that she knew just what I was going to ask. I felt her insecurity and fear, the secret hiding in the green streaks of her hazel eyes.

  “You said you found out you were pregnant at Valentine’s Day. Who is Chris’ father?”

  The question hung in the air, abandoned, for what felt like minutes. She stared at me blankly with a look of dejection coating her flawless face. I had my answer, but still I waited with bated breath for her answer, silently preparing myself for the inevitable.

  When she continued to stare in silence, I wondered if Holly really didn’t foresee this moment coming. She was shocked to silence when there was so much to say, so instead of continuing to wait, I cleared my own chest, hoping she would do the same.

  “Dylan told me you refused to tell your family who Chris’ father is,” I started, pausing to see if that was enough to push her to share.

  Nothing. So, I continued. “I woke up with you asleep on my arms the first day of this year, Holly. That night was the best night of my life, so there’s no way I could ever forget it. When was Chris born?”

  “Sept–” her lips moved to speak, but she choked on the word, coughing twice before she cleared her throat and finished her sentence. “September seventeenth.”

  “So, about nine months after our night together?” I repeated the math I’d done over and over again in my mind. I swallowed and looked at Holly.

  Her answer was a whisper, “Yes.”

  I could hear the hurt and guilt in her tone as she shifted her body to look away from me. My eyes started to prick with tears as the heaviness of the situation drooped my shoulders.

  Chris was my son.

  I knew it, but learning I was right was more than I could handle. I had a son who had my eyes and my baby sister’s hair. He shared my mom’s dimples, and his mother’s lighthearted personality. All the emotions I’d refused to allow myself to feel before knowing the truth flooded over me.

  I’d always wanted to be a father one day, and now as I looked down at Chris, my heart was full with my own flesh lying there healthy and happy. He was more beautiful than I ever imagined a child could be, and to know that he was mine sent a strong rush of emotion through my chest.

  Leaning down, I planted a soft kiss on Chris’ cheek, something I had wanted to do since I first laid eyes on him. Inhaling a deep breath of his innocence, my lungs suddenly filled with guilt for everything I didn’t know about him and every moment of his life I’d already missed.

  For the past year, I’d missed out on every step of a process Holly had to go through alone. In less than five minutes after learning of my new title, I felt like a bad father. I’d left my son to live my life in New York, never even checking in on him or his mother. It was nothing like the life, or family, I imagined for myself and my chest was heavy with regret.

  “I wanted to tell you,” Holly’s words were so soft, but they hit me like bullets.

  Here she was, blessed with an incredible experience that was half mine, but she chose not to involve me for whatever reasons. She took away my opportunity to be involved, robbing me of the joy of fatherhood. It hurt to learn she had kept such a secret from me, more than I could manage.

  My temper bubbled like a pot of boiling water threatening to overflow. Forcing a deep breath, I pushed to my feet slowly, careful not to wake Chris. Still asleep on the blanket, I didn’t want my own stress to disrupt his peace.

  “Where are you going?” Holly turned to me, her eyes glazed over with tears.

  “I need some time, Holly. This is a lot to process.”

  It was all I could manage before I turned away, walking in no direction in particular. Holly’s words fell on my back, the sounds inaudible as I tried to wrap my mind around all I’d learned. Everything as I knew it was going to change, and I couldn’t prioritize how to fix things the fastest.

  Holly had been raising my child alone with her family as if I was some degenerate with no respect for his responsibility as a father. Dylan thought that I was a douche. A small part of me wondered if that was who she thought I was? Did she find me unfit to be a father? I wracked my brain trying to understand why she would want to keep me from him before reaching the end of the parade.

  Turning, I headed to the food section of the festival, surrounded by families celebrating the Christmas season with young children and senior citizens alike. It was my favorite time of the year, but now everything felt ruined, as if a dark cloud had been cast over my life.

  I’d walked through all downtown by the time I came to my senses. Chris wasn’t a dark cloud, but a ray of sunshine. He was everything good about Holly and me, a product of our perfect night together. Chris was going to be a part of my life forever and with that Holly would be too, something that somehow made the idea of being a father even sweeter.

  She was the only one who could ever explain how she felt, or why she made the decisions she made, and
I needed to get to the bottom of it all if I ever wanted to understand her.

  Holly had taken on a lot, and decided for whatever reason, not to involve me. Regardless of why she did it — fear, bravery, shame, anger — I had to let her know that she didn’t have to continue doing it any longer. I wanted to help, and for them both to be a part of my life.

  Racing back to the blanket beneath the tree, I was out of breath when I reached our deserted picnic. Holly and Chris were gone, after I’d left them alone yet again. Nothing was there and for a moment I wondered if I had imagined it all.

  The guilt was painful as I doubled over, gripping my stomach. In frustration, I’d done exactly what she feared I would after learning Chris was my son, and I had to find her and fix that. Holly deserved to know how I truly felt, and Chris needed me in his life.

  Glancing around the Christmas festival, I didn’t know how I’d do it, but I knew I had to make things right with Holly, and I had to do it fast.

  Chapter Seventeen

  HOLLY

  “I HOPE YOU had a good time,” an elderly woman dressed brightly in Christmas red and green smiled as I rushed to the parking lot. I smiled, nodding quickly, but still stunned.

  I was blindsided by Jude’s confrontation, unable to process my thoughts quick enough to even explain to him what happened. It was like he knew all along, the way he asked about my pregnancy. I should have known he’d come to the realization when he was so adamant about holding Chris and caring for him.

  Moving as gently as possible, I slowly placed Chris in his car seat, immensely grateful when the sounds of the seat belt fastening failed to wake him. After quietly closing the door, nervously watching his reaction as I watched through the window, I had successfully secured Chris without waking him.

  “Did you think I’d be a bad father?”

  Jude’s quiet words were so unexpected, I gasped at his presence, my hand rushing to my chest. As strange as it sounded, he was even more attractive with despair in his eyes. It was obvious he had gone through a range of emotions since he left our picnic. I could see it written on his face.

  “What? No,” I shook my head, my own frustration still bubbling over.

  Sure, I had kept a secret from him, but the way he reacted was over the top. Storming off without an explanation was part of the reason I didn’t want to tell him in the first place, and now, with Chris asleep in the backseat, we stood beside him, two feet of tension between us.

  “Then why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Really, Jude?” I asked, feeling the answer was evident.

  “Yes, really, Holly,” he answered with tight lips, his jaw clenching as he spoke my name.

  “I didn’t want to upset your life in New York. Plus, I didn’t think you’d want anything to do with us,” I said, sighing as the words left my mouth, a weight lifting from my chest. It was true, and because I’d kept the secret to myself, I had never spoken the words, not even to Leann.

  “Are you serious?” The disbelief in his voice evident. “At least let me know that I’m a father. I can’t be a father if I don’t know I’m one. I would never abandon you or my child.”

  “You just did!” I spit the words out, and as if they were a glass of wine, I could see the shock on his face.

  Sucking in a breath, he turned away from me but I could already see the rage and sadness in his eyes. Running his fingers through his dark blond hair, Jude exhaled so loudly his chest and shoulders visibly dropped as he fought to calm himself.

  It was a low blow and I knew it. It was my fault, but I had failed to prepare myself for the inevitable confrontation with his feelings. Jude was human, and my decision impacted him. I wanted to allow him a space to discuss those feelings, even if it meant hurting mine.

  “I just — today, just moments ago — learned I am a father to a child who has already born. I have missed the first months of his life. It’s a lot to process.”

  I touched his forearm nervously, afraid he would shake me off with disgust. I was shocked when he turned to me, his eyes pleading for understanding.

  “Everything went wrong the night I stayed with you.”

  My heart sank into my stomach, my biggest fear realized. Knowing the truth, he regretted the night we spent together. It broke my heart, but my feet were frozen, my hand still planted on his arm. With the breath sucked out of me, I was unable to move, or run from the most deflating moment of my life.

  “I’d dreamed of that night for so long, but I didn’t expect it to happen that way,” he continued, turning to me as he took my hand from his forearm, cradling it between his large hands.

  Sucking in a breath, I felt myself coming back to life as the tension I’d been holding in my stomach was finally released. So, he didn’t regret what happened, but rather how it happened.

  “We were supposed to be at a fancy hotel. I was supposed to woo you, buy you dinner, take you to a movie, kiss you as the credits rolled, romance you, buy you a dozen red roses. Not sneaking about at your brother’s house,” he shook his head as he thought back to that fateful night.

  “Alcohol has a way of influencing decisions,” I managed, hoping to lighten the mood.

  “Yeah, I wish we would have been completely sober too.”

  I nodded. Many nights I’d found myself upset with my inability to remember every detail of my night with Jude. Moments were fuzzy, and with time the memory became hard to recall.

  “But in the early morning, when I woke with you in my arms, I thought everything was perfect. I wanted to fix everything, but there just wasn’t enough time. I went to get your favorite donuts, but then I had to get to the airport,” he remembered, looking into my eyes.

  Thinking back to that morning, I thought of the box of donuts I found Dylan eating as I searched for Jude. I’d always assumed my brother bought them, but now I knew Jude had gotten them for me. I smiled knowing how different his intentions were.

  “I thought I’d call you when I got home, but when you didn’t hit me up, I thought maybe you wanted to forget it happened. I texted you a couple of times, but you didn’t respond. I even thought you might regret it. I didn’t regret it,” he squinted. I could tell it was a hard truth for him to admit, and without him asking, I decided to answer the question.

  “I never regretted it. I still don’t,” I assured him, glancing in the car window to peek at Chris, who was blissfully unaware of what was unfolding before him. Leann could never understand why I had no regrets about my night with Jude, considering all that resulted, but Chris was my blessing, and I could never for one second think of a life that now didn’t include him.

  “Neither do I,” he said, moving closer.

  The intensity of his gaze was so strong I wanted to look away, but again I was frozen in his trance as his lips lowered to mine. Closing my eyes, I allowed myself to feel everything as Jude’s tongue explored my mouth with a new eagerness.

  Moaning against his tongue, I leaned into his touch, cradling my neck to better position me to accept his passion. I released everything — all the anxiety, doubt, shame and insecurity. His grip was so strong, I gave him my load to carry, tired of holding onto everything on my own. As the ‘strong’ friend, I needed help, and Jude kissed me like he wanted to save me from every care in the world.

  “I’ve wanted to do that for a few days now,” he said after finally pulling away. “No, for a year.”

  Leaning up on my toes, I softly kissed his lips once more. “I needed that.”

  With one hand on each side of face, he pulled me close, rubbing his nose against mine as he spoke on my lips. “Holly Foster, you are the most stubborn woman in the world.”

  “What?” I giggled, shocked by his assessment.

  “I can’t believe you managed to keep this from me,” he shook his head before kissing my lips again, holding me close without deepening the embrace. When he finally released me his breath was heavy, falling on my lips, now swollen with greed.

  “I didn’t want to be a burden,
” I whispered, my vision blurring as the emotions climbed from the pits of my stomach to my tear ducts.

  “Holly, you could never be a burden,” he whispered back, his voice raspy with concern as his thumbs wiped away the falling tears. “And neither could my son.”

  Those two words sent me over the edge of emotion — my son. Chris was Jude’s son, and deep down it was something I was always proud of. Whether he was in his life or not, Jude was a good man, and I knew Chris would take after him.

  But now, to see the pride in his eyes, knowing my son would have his father in his life, I felt more accomplished than ever. Things between Jude and I had been heating up, but none of that meant anything anymore. I was most excited about the bond he would gain with Chris.

  “How are we going to tell your parents?” he asked.

  The high I was on was completely ruined. I pulled away, immediately frightened by the thought, putting space between us.

  “You can’t possibly plan to keep the secret,” he said, his hands still outreached as if he were holding onto me.

  “Jude, we can’t just…” my words faded at the outrage we’d face if we ever told our families the truth. My mother might blow a gasket if she knew Chris was Jude’s son. While she had no problem with his friendship with Dylan, there was no way she would see him as a suitable father to her grandchild.

  Then my thoughts went to Dylan, and how hurt he would be to learn the truth about his best friend. He would undoubtedly think Jude knew the entire time, and I hated to think I could negatively affect their bond.

  “Slow down, Holly. We can do it slowly,” he started, but I cut him off.

  “I’m not ready.”

  Seeing my determination, Jude thankfully backed down from the issue, instead focusing on regaining our physical connection as he wrapped his arms around me. Leaning on his chest, I synced my breathing with his as my eyes drifted close, experiencing a new level of freedom I didn’t know existed.

  “And I’ve been spending so much time wondering how I can make sure we never lose touch again,” Jude said, his body pressed so tightly against mine, I could feel everything.