Krazy Kow Saves the World - Well, Almost

by Jeremy Strong

  Anyhow, what does she see in Tom Hardy? All he does is kick a ball about very well. It’s not much of a claim, is it? Look at me – I’m stuffed full of brilliant ideas. My stories are every bit as good as Rebecca’s.

  So maybe Mr Oldman doesn’t read mine out, but that’s because he doesn’t understand them, doesn’t appreciate them. The last story I wrote for him was about Krazy Kow. He pointed out that the title he had given the class was: MY WEEKEND.

  ‘But that’s what I did, Mr Oldman. I spent all weekend thinking about Krazy Kow.’

  ‘Jamie, you were not supposed to write about what you were thinking, but about what you did. Did you do anything over the weekend?’

  I nearly told him that I got a football up my backside, but stopped myself just in time.

  ‘Your problem, Jamie, is that you live in a fantasy world.’

  I nearly told him that fantasy was a lot better than the real world I lived in, but stopped myself just in time.

  ‘You spend all day staring out of the window. You never do any work.’

  I nearly told him that my head is working all the time, it’s full of brilliant ideas, but stopped myself just in time.

  ‘When are you going to write a proper story?’

  I was stunned. I had spent all weekend writing the best story ever – you can see for yourself.

  3 Krazy Kow’s First Adventure

  Scene One

  Imagine a slug as big as a wardrobe. Give the slug a fat, fat face and two chubby arms. Now dress it in a black suit, with collar and tie. (The trousers only have one leg.) The front of the suit is shiny with slime. The creature looks much like an everyday businessman, except that he’s very fat, very slimy and basically a big slug, with arms.

  You are looking at Gobb-Yobb Badmash, the Dark Contaminator.

  [Menacing music, like spooky footsteps approaching: poom poom poom poom PAH!!!!]

  Gobb-Yobb Badmash slithers from his black throne and slides forward to peer over the edge of the Mappa Monstrosa, a living map of the entire world, spread in a huge, flat circle, floating on a sheen of shifting mercury, a deadly poison. The Mappa Monstrosa is in some ways like a crystal ball, in that you can look upon it and see what is happening. Gobb-Yobb Badmash uses the Mappa to watch his plans for world destruction slowly taking place.

  Hee hee hee, what a horrible villain he is, with his plan to destroy the world, and his pockets full of wriggling worms. Gobb-Yobb likes worms. He eats them, like thin, slippery sweets. Shlurppp!

  Bit by bit Gobb-Yobb is also eating away at the Earth. Across Asia he has set fires that burn away the last remaining forests. Sizzle, sizzle!

  Across Europe he is poisoning the land with pesticides, bringing about the writhing agony of millions of insects, birds and beasts, through pesticide poisoning. Spissssss! Die, birdies! Die, beasties!

  Across America he watches as people slowly foul their own air with the pollution of a billion car exhaust fumes, from their own cars. Brrrm, brrrm, cough, splutter, splutter, aaaaargh, THUMP!

  [Sound effect: body falling down dead]

  Gobb-Yobb gives a high-pitched giggle and turns to his sidekick, Secretary Snirch. ‘People are so gweedy they don’t even care if it means their own death,’ he says.

  ‘People are stupid, O Dark Contaminator,’ agrees Secretary Snirch. ‘What will you do today to add to their misery?’

  Gobb-Yobb gazes down upon the Mappa Monstrosa and gives another high giggle. ‘It’s such a long time since we had a nuclear disaster, don’t you think?’

  Such a long time,’ sighs Secretary Snirch happily.

  ‘I think, how about Austwalia? Let’s do Austwalia! We’ll cause such a mess. A little fire in a big weactor and, oh dear, there goes half the population!’

  ‘And the radiation,’ Secretary Snirch points out, ‘it will spread.’

  ‘It will! It will! How lovely! And we’ll have a little huwwicane, just to stir things up a bit and move them along nicely. Oh, I am going to enjoy today. Pwepare the Chaos Computer, Snirch, and send down the Mashmen.’

  Gobb-Yobb Badmash slithers back to his throne, closes his eyes and dreams of unnatural disasters, while a hundred Mashmen, in their black tights and polo-neck sweaters, advance, all creepily-sneakily, upon the doomed Australian nuclear reactor.

  Scene Two

  In the Spottiswood home, Krazy Kow is quietly doing a yoga handstand behind the sofa. Bromley is watching a football match on the television, leaping up and down on the sofa and yelling his head off.

  ‘Come on, United! Give them grief! Foul! Kill the ref! Send in the troops!’

  ‘You seem a trifle overexcited,’ observes Krazy Kow, from her upside-down position. ‘Do you think you could stop bouncing quite so hard? You’re making all my bits wobble and it’s rather uncomfortable.’

  ‘BUT UNITED ARE LOSING!!’ screams Bromley, red with effort.

  ‘So I see,’ says Krazy Kow, calmly. ‘I have noticed in these games that when one side wins, the other side loses.’

  Bromley stops in mid bounce and falls back on the sofa. He gives Krazy Kow a Deeply Puzzled look.

  Bromley Spottiswood has three facial expressions. He can do Deeply Puzzled (self-explanatory), Raaaargh! (rage), and Wow! I’m Excited! (You guessed it). His most common look is definitely Deeply Puzzled.

  (Is he based on my very own Big Bro? Would I do such a thing? Of course not!)

  ‘But of course one side loses when the other side wins,’ grunts Bromley.

  ‘Then why go off your head about it?’ asks Krazy Kow quietly. ‘You know it’s going to happen one way or the other.’

  ‘BECAUSE UNITED ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO LOSE!!’ roars Bromley, who is now doing Expression Number Two.

  The door opens and Big Sister swirls into the room. Gosforth has painted her lips deep purple. Her false eyelashes are so huge and heavy that she can barely open her eyes. She slowly makes her way across the room, arms stretched out like an Ancient Egyptian mummy as she stumbles into the furniture and bangs into the sofa.

  (Is she based on my big sister? Would I do such a thing? Of course not!)

  ‘WATCH YOURSELF!’ yells Bromley, not taking his eyes off the flickering screen.

  Krazy Kow glances up at Gosforth and her big pink tongue almost falls out of her mouth with alarm.

  ‘Goodness, Gosforth, you did give me a shock!’

  Gosforth smiles a happy purple smile. ‘Yeah! I look great, don’t I?’

  [Phweep! Phweep! Phweep! Phweep!]

  The red light sitting on top of the telly suddenly begins to flash and the alarm sounds. The screen flickers and a Special Report comes on.

  ‘Calling Krazy Kow! Calling Krazy Kow! This is the International Emergency, Help, Somebody Do Something Quickly Committee. We have a Major Nuclear Disaster in Australia!’

  ‘I HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS!!’ screams Bromley. ‘NOW I WON’T KNOW IF UNITED LOST.’

  ‘You can always find out later,’ Krazy Kow points out.

  ‘LATER IS TOO LATE,’ Bromley bellows, pummelling the sofa with his fists.

  ‘Well, I’m afraid there is a world disaster going on and I must go and sort it out,’ says Krazy Kow.

  ‘I DON’T CARE ABOUT WORLD DISASTERS!! I WANT TO KNOW IF UNITED LOST. THAT’S THE BIGGEST DISASTER EVER.’

  ‘If I don’t sort this out then there will be no United, or anything else.’ Krazy Kow frowns. ‘See what it says? Nuclear reactor on fire in Australia, and it’s going to explode.’ The superhero leaps to her feet. ‘I must go there immediately. This is a job for Krazy Kow! To the bathroom and beyond!’

  [Very exciting music – the Krazy Kow theme tune (soon to be a best-selling No. 1 hit): Dooooo-bee-doodle-oo, diddle-iddle-eeee, diddly-dum-bee-dum-bee-dum, widdly-tiddly-deee etc.]

  Scene Three

  Krazy Kow hurries upstairs to the bathroom and locks herself in. She slaps on some underleg deodorant and brushes her teeth. She combs the chunky bit between her ears, does a quick flick with the lipstick,
tosses her Krazy Kape behind her shoulders, struggles into her udderpants, pulls on her pink diamanté eye mask to make sure that nobody can recognize her, opens the window and gets stuck halfway through.

  [Sound effect: something like a squeaky cork being pulled from a bottle] ‘I keep telling them to get this window enlarged, urrrh!’ she pants, at last squeezing through.

  [Pop!]

  And with a whizz and a pat and a supersonic bang she is on her way to the Southern Hemisphere.

  ‘Like a rocket into the blue! She’s black and white – she’s Krazy Moooo!’

  Scene Four

  The fire is raging furiously. It seems to come from every part of the reactor complex and the fire units can hardly get near it. Helicopters fly overhead [clatter clatter] spraying water uselessly splish splash splosh].

  ‘It’s going to explode!’ cries the Fire Chief. ‘We shall all die!’

  ‘What’s that in the sky?’ yells the reactor’s Director. ‘It looks like a meteor.’

  ‘A meteor and a reactor fire,’ moans the Fire Chief. ‘I want my mummy!’

  ‘It’s not a meteor, it’s Superman! No, it’s Wonderwoman. No, it’s Battleboy, Glittergirl, Marvelmoggy, Dippydog… oh, I don’t know who it… Wait! It’s Krazy Kow – brilliant!’ yells the Director. ‘Krazy Kow has come to save us.’

  [General fanfare for KK: Ta-ra ta-ra ta-ra!]

  A huge cheer goes up from the crowd as Krazy Kow zooms overhead. WHOOOOOSH! She flashes across the sky, trailing sparkling cowpats behind her.

  She dives into the nearby sea and sucks up a huge amount of water. Whizzing back to the stricken reactor she takes aim. Her amazing udder spins wildly, clicks into position and a moment later a thunderous cascade of water gushes in every direction. Millions of gallons crash down upon the reactor.

  [SSSSSPPLLURRRRRGG!]

  The flames sizzle. The flames hiss. The flames die. Another great cheer from the soaking crowd. Some of them fall to their knees.

  The fire is out. The reactor isn’t going to explode! Krazy Kow has saved us! Thank you, thank you, Krazy Kow!’

  Krazy Kow lands in front of the Director, the Fire Chief and the crowd, as they press forward to thank her.

  ‘It’s only my job,’ she says modestly, carelessly tossing her Krazy Kape over one haunch. ‘Someone had to do it, and today it was me. Now I have a message for you all, so listen carefully. This is what Krazy Kow says to you: I am the Cow!’

  ‘You are the Cow!’ answers the crowd.

  Scene Five

  Gobb-Yobb Badmash watches the Mappa Monstrosa in despair. He beats his fists upon his slimy chest. ‘Snirch! Who is this little cweature that dares to upset my plans for world destwuction?’

  ‘O Dark Contaminator, that is Krazy Kow.’

  ‘A cow? One of those lumpy cweatures that give milk and cheese and double cweam?’

  ‘Yes, O Great One. She appears to be some kind of superhero, sent to thwart your evil plans for turning Earth into Planet Pollution.’

  Gobb-Yobb slumps back upon his throne. ‘I have been foiled by a daiwy dung dolloper!’ He seethes slowly. ‘So, we shall see. You may be the Cow, but I am the Pwince of Pestilence, and I shall see you wiped fwom the face of this Earth if it’s the last thing I do. Kwazy Kow, your fate is sealed!’

  [Camera closes on Gobb-Yobb Badmash looking extremely evil and mightily menacing, slowly slurping on a very long, wriggling worm. More menacing music: Twannnng! Kwannng! Pwannng! Psssshhh!]

  It’s going to make a brilliant film and I just know that I’m going to be famous. I don’t understand how Mr Oldman can’t see what a fantastic story it is. I mean surely he didn’t really want to know what everyone had done over the weekend? (Answer: They played footie. What a surprise!)

  4 The Queen of the Night

  The bathroom door opens. Out steps a strange creature, half human, half alien-space-thing from afar, something that has wriggled down a worm hole from the furthest reaches of a parallel universe. It stands in the doorway, blinking in the light, like a startled bat. It is dressed in black from head to toe, cobwebby black. Long black hair hangs down the sides of a moon-pale face. Purple lips pout. Dark eyes stare like tarantulas.

  This is my sister, Gemma, dressed like the Queen of the Night. I call her that because she nearly always shrouds herself in black and wanders around the place like a small, loose bit of the night sky that has broken off and somehow come to lodge in our house.

  Now, you’re probably thinking – Gosforth! Gemma is just like Gosforth! Well, of course she is! That’s half the fun of making up all this stuff. You make up things in your head about all the people you know, especially the people you don’t like much. Then you make things happen to them. It’s great fun.

  Having said that, I like Gemma, even though she’s a bit odd. I mean, she dresses like someone who wants to dance in graveyards at midnight and drink bat’s blood. She thinks it makes her look Interesting and Intense. Mum and Dad are always going on at her. They tell her she looks like a ghoul. Big Bro thinks she looks like a ghoul. I think she looks like a ghoul, but I can’t say that because then I’d be agreeing with Mum and Dad and Big Bro. Anyhow, I like ghouls. I’m going to make films with ghouls in them. I could make Gemma a star. I can hear the voice-over:

  Here she comes, drifting down the darkened stairway, her pale face reflecting the moonlight, her white eyes staring. What terrible thing is it that makes her walk like a horrified zombie? Has she done the dark deed? And what is it she holds in her hand that seems so laden with doom? Is it a smoking pistol? Aaarghh! Run for it!

  Just a sec, it’s OK, it’s her hairdryer. Oh no, not more split ends.

  Amazingly, although Gemma looks like a ghoul most of the time, she is also an air cadet and she goes to Air Cadets twice a week. The cadets have a special training area next to our school. One evening she has training, and on the next she goes to band practice. She plays the trumpet. She wears a uniform, with a beret and a badge and she puts highly polished shoes on her feet and off she goes to train, or to blow her trumpet.

  This is what I find odd about Gemma. The air cadet and the Queen of the Night are like two different people, but underneath they’re both still Gemma. I reckon the only reason Gemma goes to Air Cadets is because of Justin. You could say that Justin is her boyfriend, only she won’t admit it. She says: ‘We play in the band together, that’s all.’

  Justin plays the triangle. Apparently it’s more difficult than it looks, so Gemma reckons. She says he’s the best triangle player they have. I asked her how many triangle players there were in the band. She just looked at me, like I was being awkward, but I only asked. Honestly, she’s so sensitive.

  It’s funny though, I suppose we’ve got something in common, me and Gemma. Nobody understands me either, but at least Mum and Dad let Gemma get on with her life. If I start talking about making films, they treat me like I’m some kid with daydreams.

  I told Gemma about the competition at school and she asked me what I was going to do for it. I was dying to tell her, but I wanted it to be a secret. I guess I was afraid that if people knew what I was planning they’d just laugh at me.

  ‘You can tell me,’ Gemma urged. ‘I promise I won’t let on.’

  So I spilled the beans. Gemma sat on the edge of my bed and listened. She asked a few questions, like what did Gobb-Yobb Badmash look like, and why did Krazy Kow live with an ordinary family?

  When I finished she sat back against the wall. Do you know what she said?

  ‘That’s a really good idea, Jamie. I think it might even win. You go for it!’

  I shrugged.

  ‘Well, I think your school would be mad if they don’t use your idea. It’s different and funny and exciting. Where do you get your ideas from?’

  ‘They just seem to appear inside my head.’

  Gemma smiled. ‘Must be pretty weird inside there,’ she said, and I knew she meant it as a compliment. After all, this was the girl who dressed like a vampire to impres
s people.

  ‘You won’t tell anyone?’I insisted.

  Gemma held up both hands. ‘Not a soul.’ She gave me a very serious look. ‘You’ve got to enter, Jamie.’

  ‘Mrs Drew is going to tell us which project has been chosen at the end of this week. She was telling us about the judges for the competition. One of them is going to be Kooky Savage.’

  ‘Kooky Savage!’ Now Gemma was even more impressed. I was pretty sure she would be. Kooky Savage is a film star and she’s Gemma’s heroine. Gemma’s room is plastered with pictures of her.

  ‘I’d love to be Kooky Savage,’ Gemma said dreamily.

  ‘Yeah, I know. I want to be Steven Spielberg.’

  Gemma gave a little laugh and patted me. ‘You will be, Jamie, you will be. Good luck with your idea.’

  As she got off the bed I asked her if we would ever see her boyfriend.

  ‘You don’t think I’d ever bring Justin to this house, do you?’ she said, her whole mood changing.

  ‘Ah! So he is your boyfriend?’

  ‘I never said he was.’

  ‘You never said he wasn’t.’

  Gemma stood halfway across the room, looking at me. I could tell she wanted to say something, so I waited.

  ‘OΚ, you told me about Krazy Kow, so I’11 tell you about Justin. Yes, he’s my boyfriend, but don’t you dare tell Mum or Dad or Matt.’

  I grinned at her.

  ‘Have you kissed him, then?’

  Gemma’s face went scarlet! It was wonderful! She tried to pull herself up tall and haughty. ‘THAT is none of your business,’ she said, and swept from the room. (In other words – yes, they had!)