Krazy Kow Saves the World - Well, Almost

by Jeremy Strong

  10 Krazy Kow’s Last Battle

  Scene One

  [Dark and jangly music. The Gobb-Yobb theme tune]

  Castle Corruption floats high in the ice-bound air above Antarctica. Gobb-Yobb Badmash lies upon his black throne and soaks up the extra radiation that comes pouring through the huge ozone hole. Secretary Snirch hovers at his elbow, holding a fresh bowl of worms.

  ‘Is evewything weady for the final showdown with that widiculous moo-cow, Snirch?’

  ‘It is, Great Monster of Misery. There is a rubbish heap in Switzerland that should provide a good theatre for the last act of this drama.’

  Gobb-Yobb sits up, looking considerably displeased. ‘A wubbish heap? You mean we aren’t going to blow up a nuclear power station or week a giant oil tanker? And why Switzerland? It’s such a weeny-teeny little place. Nothing but snow and mountains and cuckoo clocks.’

  ‘Exactly,’ says Snirch smoothly. ‘It is a place of mountains, many of them, and I have made an interesting discovery, Plague-Master.’

  ‘Weally?’ Gobb-Yobb smiles and nibbles on a particularly tasty (and wriggly) worm.

  There is a mountain that has been completely hollowed out. The Swiss have been using it for years as a place to hide their rubbish.’

  ‘Aha! A mountain of wubbish!’

  ‘Quite so,’ smiles Snirch. ‘But now the mountain is full, and all that rotting vegetation and stuff, and of course you know what methane smells like…’

  ‘Bad eggs! Pooo-eee! Wonderful!’

  ‘Quite. So we start a little fire, the sort of accident that might so easily happen. The fire threatens to ignite the methane. It’s a giant volcano waiting to erupt. An emergency call goes out…’

  ‘And Kwazy Kow comes zooming to the wescue.’

  [Gobb-Yobb sings the Krazy Kow theme tune in his high voice: ‘Dooooo-bee doodle-oo, diddle-iddle-eeee, diddly-dum-bee-dum-bee-dum, widdly-tiddly-deee’ etc]

  ‘And right on top of the mountain is our little chicken, ready and waiting.’ Secretary Snirch folds his arms and waits.

  Gobb-Yobb smiles. The more he thinks about this plan the better he likes it. It will do away with his arch-enemy at last, but it also has a delicious twist: not only Krazy Kow but the humans too are going to die at the hands of their own rubbish. And in Switzerland!

  SWITZERLAND! Gobb-Yobb is almost beside himself with ecstasy.

  ‘Don’t you see? It’s the home of the Swiss army penknife and Kwazy Kow’s howwible, howwendous Swiss army udder! Oh sweet, sweet wevenge!’ Gobb-Yobb Badmash, the Dark Contaminator, gazes blissfully at his assistant and sighs.

  ‘Oh Snirch, I think I’m in heaven! I shall take the chicken myself.’

  Scene Two

  Krazy Kow is in the bath, singing. She is covered in foam and is trying to scrub her back with a long-handled scrubbing brush.

  ‘Scrub-a-dub! Cow in the tub!

  There’s an udder in the tubba;

  Rubba-dubba-dubba!’

  It isn’t the best song Krazy Kow has written but she seems to be enjoying it.

  Outside the bathroom door Gosforth heaves a sigh. She reckons she has been waiting outside for hours. She sits down and leans back against the wall. She twists her head and shouts through the keyhole.

  ‘How much longer?’

  ‘Would you rather the world is saved by a clean cow or a dirty one?’ Krazy Kow shouts back. She juggles the soap, a bottle of shampoo and the nail brush and carries on singing.

  ‘I am the shiny, shiniest cow,

  doo-bee-doo-bee-doo;

  My public want me shiny,

  ‘cos I’m the Biggest Moo!

  Moooooooo-ooooo!’

  Bromley suddenly comes pounding up the stairs, three at a time.

  ‘RED ALERT!’ he yells. Telly’s on red alert!’

  Krazy Kow scrambles to her feet, which is very difficult when you’re a cow and you’re in a wet bath with slippery sides. ‘DON’T PANIC!’ she yells, ‘I shall be there in a whizz!’ She flings a towel around her body and almost falls down the stairs.

  [Sound effect: clattering down stairs]

  ‘At last,’ moans Gosforth, sneaking into the bathroom and locking the door.

  Scene Three

  Downstairs the television is going bananas.

  [Phwheep! Phweep! Phweep! Phweep!]

  ‘This is the International Emergency, Help, Somebody Do Something Quickly Committee. There’s a major fire at the world’s biggest rubbish dump in Switzerland. It won’t be much longer before an entire mountain of methane gas explodes, which will in turn send thousands of tons of burning rubbish flying through the air, which will in turn start fires across several countries, which will in turn set countless cities ablaze, which will in turn kill millions of innocent people, which will…’

  ‘OΚ… I GET THE PICTURE!’ yells Krazy Kow. There’s yet another pollution disaster in the making. I’m on my way! To the bathroom and beyond!’

  Scene Four

  Krazy Kow races back upstairs [clatter clatter clatter] only to find the door locked. She hammers upon it [bang bang bang].

  ‘YOU’RE TOO LATE,’ shouts Gosforth. ‘You’ve had your go. It’s my turn now.’

  ‘But Switzerland is about to go up in flames, and only I can save her!’ cries Krazy Kow.

  ‘Tough!’

  ‘Don’t you care about all those people out there?’

  ‘Nope.’

  ‘Don’t you care that a million billion tons of rubbish will be spread across the globe?’

  ‘Nope. I’m having a bath.’ [Sound of splashing]

  Outside the bathroom door Krazy Kow sits down with a frown. ‘Hmmm,’ she mutters. ‘Children are so thoughtless these days. Ah! But of course! The downstairs toilet! Why didn’t I think of that before?’

  [Clatter clatter clatter]

  Scene Five

  The cow shoots downstairs and vanishes into the smallest room. She pulls on her Krazy Kape, her udderpants and diamanté mask. She brushes her teeth and combs the chunky bit between her ears. She slaps on some lipstick and she squeezes out through the window. And with a whizz and a pat and a supersonic bang she is on her way to Switzerland.

  [‘Like a rocket into the blue! She’s black and white – she’s Krazy Moooo! Dooooo-bee doodle-oo, diddle-iddle-eeee, diddly-dum-bee-dum-bee-dum, widdly-tiddly-deee,’ etc. (The new No. 1 hit – the KK theme tune)]

  Scene Six

  By the time Krazy Kow reaches the rubbish mountain, the fire has truly taken hold.

  [Crackle crackle crackle]

  A thousand water cannons are arranged in a great circle round the edges of the dump. Behind the water cannons stand a million onlookers who can’t resist coming to stare at the disaster that is about to blow them all up.

  Swiss Army General Flombay gazes upon the roaring flames. ‘She’s gonna blow any second. It’s a good thing you’re here, Krazy Kow.’

  ‘Oh, I try to help where I can. What bothers me, General, is that there seem to be too many of these pollution problems taking place around the world. I’m beginning to think that they may have been started deliberately.’

  [Astonished music: Pwannnngggggggggg!] A huge crowd turns and stares at the cow in disbelief and shouts in chorus. ‘DELIBERATELY?!’

  [Even more astonished: Pwwwaaaaaannnnnnnnngggggggg!!]

  ‘But what kind of evil villain would do a thing like that?’

  ‘Me!’ cries a huge, slug-like figure, jumping out of the shadows. At least he would have jumped if he had legs, but he hasn’t, so he doesn’t. He sort of slippy-slides instead.

  [Doom-beedoom-bee dumdumdumdum DAH!!!]

  ‘And who are you?’ demands Swiss Army General Flombay.

  ‘I am Gobb-Yobb Badmash, the Dark Contaminator, Pwince of Pestilence and Plague Master.’

  ‘And I am Krazy Kow, the Big Moo,’ cries our hero. Take that!

  But what’s this? Gobb-Yobb doesn’t bat an eyelid. ‘It’s no good standing there making silly noises, Kwazy Kow
. I’m not fwightened of you!’

  ‘Really? Well I shall soon change your mind, Flobb-Splobb.’ Krazy Kow spins her udder menacingly, and fixes the criminal mastermind with a narrow-eyed glare.

  ‘You are not the least bit tewwifying,’ insists Gobb-Yobb.

  ‘No? Then how about – THIS!’ Krazy Kow suddenly sticks both hoofs in her mouth and pulls a horrible face, sticking out her big pink tongue as far as she can and shaking it violently. Βrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

  And still Gobb-Yobb doesn’t budge. Instead he calmly opens his cloak of darkness and pulls out what looks like some kind of mechanical chicken. ‘Do you know what this is, Kwazy Kow?’

  [Peck peck peck, Cock-a-doodle-DOOOM!!]

  Krazy Kow takes a step back, her eyes bulging. She swallows hard. ‘Surely it isn’t…? It can’t be.

  No, not a…’

  ‘… Yes, exactly. Kwazy Kow, your last hour has come. It is time for you to meet NUCLEAR WEACTOR CHICKEN!’

  [Dan-deran-dan-DANNNNN!!!]

  11 In the Pink

  I went to bed thinking: It’s a new day tomorrow. It will be a good day. I haven’t had a good day for ages, so it’s about time. I’m going to meet Kooky Savage and everything is going to be brilliant!

  There was a loud, despairing wail from downstairs. It was so awful that everyone in the house rushed to see what it was. Mum was standing in the kitchen, speechless. She had just opened the washing machine and found all the stuff that Cat and I had bunged in there for cleaning the day before – remember all the strawberry-stained stuff?

  It came out clean all right but it was no longer white. It was pink. All those mashed-up strawberries stained everything that went into the machine and turned the whole lot as pink as a strawberry milkshake.

  And that included Matt’s one and only football kit.

  And the county football trial was the next day.

  Big Bro was going to have to wear a stunningly pink football kit.

  He was not a happy bunny.

  ‘Can’t you wash it again?’ Matt pleaded.

  ‘I could, but this kind of stain will never come out. I’m sorry.’

  ‘I shall look totally stupid,’ scowled Matt. (He would, too!)

  ‘You’ll be fine,’ said Mum. (Did you know that parents lie to their own children?!) ‘I’ll give it a good ironing.’

  ‘The county selectors won’t be looking at your football kit,’ Dad pointed out helpfully. ‘They’ll be watching you for your football skills.’

  ‘I’m going to look so stupid,’ Matt repeated.

  Gemma came downstairs. I hadn’t seen her smile since that little problem with Justin and the video, but now her face lit up. She patted Matt on his head and he shrunk away from her, as if she was putting a jinx on him.

  ‘That looks nice,’ she said brightly. ‘Getting in touch with your feminine side, are you?’

  ‘Gemma!’ hissed Mum. ‘Do you have to?’

  ‘Do I have to what? I said it looked nice.’

  ‘Yeah, but that’s not what you meant,’ snapped Matt.

  ‘How do you know?’ Gemma and Big Bro eyeballed each other.

  ‘Because it looks daft,’ I ventured. They spun round and glared at me.

  ‘Who asked you?’ Big Bro spat out, while Gemma looked at me as if I was something unspeakably horrible. So, I thought, she’s still not speaking to me.

  ‘We’ve had enough from you,’ Dad put in and now I found all four members of my own family lined up against me, scowling.

  ‘We’ve got a busy day ahead tomorrow,’ snapped Dad. ‘And we can do without your help. Matt’s got a very important trial for the county team. It’s his big chance.’

  I watched them fussing round Matt and I thought, OK, it’s about time everyone knew my little secret.

  ‘As it happens, I’ve got a busy day too,’ I said. ‘Dwight Trellis and Kooky Savage are coming to the school to see my film about Krazy Kow, and I’ll just repeat that for you: MY film about Krazy Kow’

  Dad stopped in his tracks. ‘Dwight Trellis? The United winger? Coming to see you?’

  I nodded. Just for once I had actually managed to impress my dad.

  Gemma shook her head as if she couldn’t believe it either. ‘Kooky Savage? The film star? The real Kooky? Coming to see you?’

  I nodded again. At last Gemma had spoken to me! ‘They’re visiting the schools which have submitted the best ideas for that competition I told you about ages ago, when you weren’t listening.’ I watched their astonished faces. I was getting my first taste of fame, and I couldn’t resist pushing it further. ‘Kooky Savage thinks Krazy Kow would make a good film. She wants to be in it.’

  (OK, so maybe I was beginning to exaggerate – but it was the look on their faces, you see. They were SO surprised. I loved every minute of it, every second, every silly milli-second! I wanted it to go on and on until their eyeballs fell out of their heads with sheer amazement.)

  I had to tell them exactly when all this was happening. Dad reckoned he was going to come up to the school to get Dwight’s autograph. I said I could get it for him, but Dad wanted to see the great United winger with his own eyes.

  ‘The football trials will be over by the afternoon,’ said Dad. ‘We can all come up to the school.’

  Gemma said she wanted to see Kooky Savage. And as for Mum, she wanted to see both the stars turn out. At that point I forgot all about exaggerating things and Reality began to kick in. My whole family were going to turn up at the school so that they could see Dwight Trellis and Kooky Savage watching my film.

  WHAT FILM?!?!?

  So far all we had were a few shots of Krazy Kow being chased by Mashmen wearing bin liners, who were being chased in turn by what looked like gnomes in knickers. The film footage finished with Gloria Bevinson trying to stuff the great cow superhero into the infants’ toilets. It was not exactly the sort of film that makes a Hollywood blockbuster.

  When Mum dropped Big Bro and me off at school the next day neither of us was very happy Matt was in his pink football kit, and I was wondering how on Earth I was going to impress Kooky Savage. I wasn’t bothered about Dwight whassisname because he was a footballer, but Kooky would have the sort of contacts I needed. She would know film directors, producers, other film stars. She could be really useful to me, so I had to make a deep impression.

  I winkled out Gat and told her everything that was going through my head. ‘It’s going to be a disaster,’ I moaned. ‘Everyone will think it’s rubbish, and they’ll be right.’

  ‘It’s going to be OK.’

  I gave a hollow laugh. ‘Oh, yeah, like Kooky Savage is going to be so impressed by a pantomime cow that can’t act, and little kids dressed up in bin liners. I’m going to tell Mrs Drew to stop filming and dump the lot. Then I can explain to Kooky Savage how it would have been if it had been done as a cartoon.’

  ‘But you can’t just throw away everything you’ve done already’ Cat wailed.

  ‘Listen, if a great film director shoots some bad stuff he doesn’t show it to the public, he bins it, right?’

  Cat was silent for a while. She shook her head. ‘How can you do that? How can you destroy the best thing you ever invented?’ Eventually she lifted her head and gave me such a look it was as if someone had switched off all the lights inside her. I hadn’t realized until that moment how much energy and enthusiasm she had been passing on to me. I didn’t realize until I switched it off.

  I shrugged. ‘The whole project is falling to bits.’

  ‘Seems like running away to me.’

  ‘Krazy Kow can’t even waddle with those two idiots inside her.’

  ‘I don’t mean Krazy Kow. You’re the one that’s running away. Things get tough, and you run away. I thought you wanted to be famous.’

  ‘So?’ Another shrug.

  ‘It’s your big chance, Jamie. At least have a go at it. If you don’t have a go you’ve got no chance of success. At least try.’

  ‘It’s too late,’ I mutt
ered. ‘It’s finished. I’m finished. We’re all finished.’

  Cat got to her feet and looked down at me. ‘I always thought I was the smallest person in our class. I was wrong. It’s you.’ She turned on her heel and walked off, leaving me with my eyes fixed on her back.

  I was so confused. I’d never really thought of Cat as a friend. I don’t think I’d thought of her as anything really, but now, all of a sudden, I desperately didn’t want her to go. I hurled myself after her and caught up with her, panting.

  ‘OΚ, tell me, what do we do?’

  ‘You’re the director,’ she said simply. ‘Give directions.’

  I began to smile. Of course! This whole thing had been going wrong because we had been trying to film Krazy Kow the way other people wanted it, and in particular the way Mrs Drew wanted it. It was time to do it my way. It was too late to start making a cartoon, but maybe there was still enough time to film a really good episode with the pantomime cow. I just had to make sure that only the actors in the film knew what we were planning.

  ‘We need loads of action,’ I said.

  ‘And explosions!’ shouted Gat, and all her lights came back on.

  ‘We can use the zip wire on the Air Cadets’ training ground so that it looks like Krazy Kow is really flying through the air…’

  ‘… Yeah, and she can be firing her Swiss army udder…’

  ‘… Yeah, and we can have gallons of fake blood everywhere

  ‘… And horrible screams!’ cried Cat. We grabbed each other and did a little dance.

  ‘It’s going to be AWESOME!’ we chorused.

  There was a stifled giggle from near by and I looked up to see Rebecca watching us. Tom Hardy was standing behind her.