Shards of Us

by Caverly, KR

  I shift closer to Sebastian, curiosity peaked. "What was the job?" I ask quietly, touching my hand to his arm, loving the feel of his hard muscle.

  "You don't want to know, angel." He turns to me, and his eyes are wild, filled with fury and grief and, I think, a pang of regret. "There's no way you could love me if you knew."

  "That's not true."

  "Is it, angel?" He looks angry now, hurt, even. "I'm not a good person. Hell, I lost my fucking mind a long time ago. But I guess that's part of the job. I guess that's what… they… wanted, though. You just don't understand what it's like. You don't understand what it means to spend your whole life full of anger and hate, doing a job that gives you nightmares all night and all the time just so you can pay for yourself and your aging adoptive mother who is too stubborn to ask for money even when you both know she needs it."

  I move closer to him, staring back into his eyes. I really should hate him. But I find myself lost in our closeness, wanting to heal this broken soul beside me more than I can explain. "I understand, Sebastian. I understand more than most. That's the point, remember? We're both broken in different ways, but shattered enough that only we have the ability to help each other." I add, "You can trust me."

  He's shaking his head like he already regrets what he's going to say. "Just know that I didn't have a choice, when I joined them. I needed a job, and without an education background no one would take me. I needed the money. I needed to care for myself and Jodie, to send her those monthly checks, so this was the only option. When the man, Marco, offered me the job, I didn’t know what else to do but say yes. I knew he was a drug dealer, but--"

  "What was the job?" I say. My heart starts pounding. Drug dealer? This can't be good.

  Sebastian's eyes lock on mine. He stares at me for a long while, just sitting there, so intense and so hurt, until finally he says, "A killer. A professional killer. A hitman, really." My heart skips a beat. Oh no. Oh shit shit shit shit. "It's for a drug cartel," he continues. "They also do human trafficking, among other things, which is why I didn't want them to take your friend. They… they have a lot of enemies. And when they want someone dead, they go to me. The work paid well and it kept me afloat for a while. Without it, I wouldn't have survived. Plus, it also made me less and less angry, at least at first. So I did it. I've worked the job for a few years now, since I was eighteen, and I learned a lot of… tricks of the trade, if you will." He leans into me, his breath on my lips. Electricity radiates through the air, pouring off his body and wrapping me up. "It hasn't been fun, angel. I'm not proud of what I did. But I needed to do it for the money. I needed to provide for Jodie and me. You have to understand that. You have to understand that it was my only choice."

  I find my body shaking. My heart keeps pounding in my chest. I don't know what to do. I'm frozen in my spot, trembling, the fear racing in. Sebastian is a hitman. He kills people for a living. I fell for a murderer, and became one myself. Everything hurts at the thought. It feels like a betrayal, a punch in the gut, but I don't know what to say. I just keep shaking my head, denying it again and again in my head even though I know it's true. And then I think: if he's really a hitman, how do I know I won't end up the same way all of his previous hits have? "And you betrayed them?" I manage to croak out. "Is that why they're after you?"

  Sebastian looks at me with obvious worry, as if he's afraid I'm about to crack. I'm afraid of that, too, honestly. I feel so sick all of a sudden. I just want to get out of here, away from him, away from all of this. I want to stop being a prisoner. I want to stop feeling like some sort of caged animal. "Yes," Sebastian says at last. "A couple years ago, they gave me a job, an important job, and I couldn't do it, so I covered it up. They found out a few weeks later, and they've been after me ever since."

  My head just keeps racing in my chest. I'm falling for a killer. A professional killer. I wonder what my parents would say about this, what Ash would say, what anyone would say. I'm an idiot, that's what they'd say. That I'm a complete. fucking. idiot. "What about the scar?" My voice is weak.

  He shakes his head. "You don't need to know about the scar."

  "No," I say, maybe too demanding, still trembling. "I do."

  This gets Sebastian. He stands up suddenly, his face hot, his eyes wild and angry. "No," he yells harshly. "You don't!"

  I feel like I've just been punched in the face. I just keep staring at him, unable to process everything he is telling me. "Sebastian--" I start to say.

  He glowers at me, then looks away. "I don't want to hear it."

  "Sebastian--"

  "What?" he roars, snapping back around at me. His face is red and angry, and his veins bulge out of his forehead. "What do you want? Can't you see my problem? I want you, angel," he yells. "I want you everywhere! But I can't have you. I can't corrupt you. I wouldn't do that to you. I'm not a good person, and falling for me is only going to get you hurt, so I won't. fucking. let you. So I ask again, what do you fucking want?"

  I stand up now too. I won't be weak. I won't be weak. My eyes are level with his, his smoldering and angry and mine, well… sad. Distant. I feel distant. But this close to Sebastian, with his lips right next to mine, I know this is right. I know this is what I need. "I want you," I say simply, searching his eyes for a response. "I want you," I say again, like it'll make him understand, my voice stronger, more certain. "I want you everywhere, Sebastian. Can't you see? I need you. I need you like I need to breathe."

  "And that's the problem," Sebastian says. "You can't need me. You shouldn't fucking need me! I'm not the kind of person you rely on. I do terrible things to survive. I'm not relationship material, angel. I'm built for ditching and fucking. I'm trying to save you from those men, but I also need to save you for myself. Because if I let you fall for me, then I'm letting you throw your whole life away. And please don't throw your life away. I know we care about each other, but please don't ruin it all for just a little desire."

  I step closer to him, feeling his heat wrap around my body. Everything about Sebastian is intense. Everything about him leaves me drained, but in the best way possible. "Who says it's just a little desire? I need you, Sebastian. It's worse for me not to be with you. So just have me," I whisper, my voice low. "All of me. I need you to take me," I say, eyes locked on his.

  He shakes his head, not convinced.

  "How can I prove it?" I ask.

  "You can't," Sebastian says quickly, and he looks ready to end this, to bring me back to my cellar and shut me there for eternity. But then he stops. Gets an idea. And he looks at me--really looks at me. "Kiss me, angel," he says suddenly. "Prove to me you know what you're getting into. Kiss me like you mean it."

  I look at him, at his deep blue eyes, at the intense concentration in his features, and I can see he means it. I can see he needs me too. I can see, as twisted as it sounds, that even though I'm his prisoner, we were built for each other. And before I know what I'm doing, my lips are shoved against his. Everything feels so hot in that moment. Everything goes quiet, fades away. Everything is gone but the feeling of Sebastian kissing me. His lips are flames refusing to be doused as he kisses back harder and harder, and it feels real and edgy and thrilling and dangerous and so wrong, and yet so… not. Kissing Sebastian is the most exhilarating thing in the world, and his loves move with mine effortlessly. We kiss harder, faster, hotter, until the world melts away and there is nothing but the heat in my stomach and my sweaty, tingling skin against his.

  Suddenly, his lips are no longer mine, and he's panting, gasping for breath, his eyes full of hunger as he moves his gaze down to my breasts and pulls his shirt over his head. I pull mine off at the same time, and then we meet again, kissing harder, more fiercely. His hands move down to my bra, slipping inside, teasing me. I feel my nipples go hard as he traces a finger around them, and a familiar urgent ache rises deep within my body.

  He slips off his pants next, then pulls off mine with his expert hands. We both keep gasping for air, and I swear the heater just
cranked up. There is nothing but us in this room, in this world. There is nothing but us and our bodies and our desire.

  Our lips are locked again before I know what's happening, and I feel the sparks flying, the burning need his lips give me.

  "Are you ready?" he whispers. I'm still gasping for air once we pull away, but he doesn't even seem fazed by it all. He's ready for the next part. The real part.

  "Always," I gasp, and then his boxers are off. And I see him again, full and broad and glorious, and the deep ache in my body grows, the pressure building up deep inside of me with primal need, because I know I want him. So, so badly.

  Before I realize what's happening, he grabs me by the legs and thrusts me against the wall, bringing me to eye-level with him. My heart is pounding and my whole body feels alive, more alive than ever, as Sebastian's erection touches my inner thighs. I don't take my eyes off of him, don't stop panting and gasping as he slips off my panties slowly, cautiously, lingering his finger around the space between my legs. Teasing me. I feel myself moan, wanting him to touch me there, but he has other plans.

  "Will you let me have you just for tonight, angel?" he asks, his blue eyes so strong, boring into mine. "You're sure?"

  "I'm all yours," I whisper, tilting my head back. My back arches as I feel his erection touching my inner thigh. The pressure keeps building up inside of me. I feel the heat and the tingling and the sweat on my skin, and he goes inside of me gently, slowly, and then he's there, and I feel the pressure in my body building and building until all of it is let out in one beautiful, climatic instant. My head goes weak, and I feel the tremors rack through me as Sebastian moves around inside of me and I gasp, I moan, but I don’t let him stop even as my eyes roll back in my head.

  Chapter Nine

  We're ambushed at ten a.m. the next morning. I know because Sebastian told me the time when he came back inside the safe house he's kept me locked up in to give me breakfast. My mind is still reeling from yesterday, from everything he told me, everything he did.

  Sebastian is a hitman.

  And he fucked me good, and now all I want is more, more, more.

  I wish I didn't, though. I wish I didn't feel all these things I'm feeling for him. I wish I didn't want to get down on my knees and beg for more, beg for him, as badly as I do. But I need Sebastian. I need his body. I need his touch. And last night was only proof of that.

  I don't care about the consequences. I don't care that he kills people for a living. I don't care about how bad of a person he is on the outside because I know, deep down, he's just a lost soul desperately trying to do the right thing. I've never cared for anyone as much as I care about him, and I need someone in my life, someone who can thrill me, and if Sebastian can do one thing, then he's all I need.

  "How are you?" he asks that morning, handing me a cup of coffee and a delicious-looking plate of mashed potatoes and eggs.

  "A little sore," I admit.

  He looks disappointed. "Only a little?"

  I smile as I bite into my eggs. "Yes. Is that wrong?"

  "Angel," he whispers, brushing his lips against my cheek and kissing me, slowly, softly. "If we're going to do this, we're going to do it right. I need you hurting. I need me hurting. I need us both to really feel each other, and to know we are made to be together. I need to claim you. I want you to remember that you're mine."

  "I won't forget, Sebastian," I say. "I'll never forget."

  He smiles lightly, kissing my neck now. I arch it back, letting my head roll back as he touches me there, listening to each of his melodic breaths as he kisses the pain away. "I know," he says. "I know. I just want you to remember. I want you to feel it. I want you to feel me."

  "Then do it," I breathe. "Fuck me again."

  He laughs to himself, turns away. "Not yet. But soon, I promise you. I'll make you feel it soon. Now eat up. I want you strong for later." Then, I hear the door open, and I assume he steps outside.

  I nod. My heart is already racing at the prospect of this illustrious "later," so I eat my breakfast as quickly as possible. I look out at the marble walls, my eyes moving across the painful darkness of the room, and once again, I find myself wondering if I'll ever get out, or if, when the time comes, I'll even want to anymore. Sebastian is still trying to save me, and I know he will keep me here until he's certain I'm safe. But in a really twisted way, I'm starting to like being his captive. I like having him all to myself. I like when he kisses me, when he fucks me, and now I want more.

  But what if it's not enough?

  I'm busy contemplating the possibility as soon as I hear the cars pull up.

  Cars.

  As in, multiple cars.

  As in, not Sebastian.

  My whole body freezes. My stomach goes tight, and my heart thrums in my chest. The whole safe house is dark and empty, but there doesn't appear to be anyone here. "Sebastian?" I call, fear clinging to my voice. Shit. Where is Sebastian? Did he leave the safe house? I don't even remember. Shit shit shit. I was too busy thinking about fucking him again that I don't even remember where he went.

  Car doors slam outside, and I hear men barking orders, running outside. They're definitely not anyone Sebastian's friends with. And definitely not here to be especially friendly to us, either.

  Shit. I glance around the room desperately, searching for a weapon, a hiding place, anything to protect myself with. But I can't even remember where Sebastian keeps the guns. Oh god, where does he keep the guns? My heart is thudding in my chest now, and I jump off the bed, heading straight to the one place of protection I see: the bathroom.

  The men are circling the safe house now. I can tell by the crunch of their boots outside, by the nearing sounds of their shouts. But there is no sign of Sebastian. My heart moves faster and faster. My head has started throbbing. Where is he? Where is Sebastian? Fuck fuck fuck. There is no way I stand a chance unless he comes.

  I dart straight into the bathroom as I hear the men loading their guns outside, then slowly circling the building, starting in the back first.

  I'm going to die. I know it then. Just like that.

  I'm. going. to. die.

  There is no way out and these men are after me, and I don't even know why. My whole body shakes as I slip into the bathroom and start to close the door behind me, inching back to the shower and behind the curtain, when the front door explodes open and a burst of sunlight fills the room, blinding me.

  At first my heart stops, because I think it's the men, here to kill me. But then I see Sebastian running toward me, slamming the door behind him and calling my name, guns in his hands. He tosses me a machine gun as soon as he reaches me in the bathroom, keeping me protected behind his back with his hand.

  The men have full circled the building now, and I hear them shouting to each other, saying words I don't understand.

  I take the gun gingerly, trying to find the safety, and when I do, I immediately click it off. I cock the gun and load it, listening as a single bullet shell falls out and clinks against the tile bathroom floor. I barely know how to shoot the damn thing. I just hope like hell they are no different than shooting a handgun.

  "Who are they?" I hiss to Sebastian, whose eyes are wild now, glancing back between me and the front of the safe house.

  The men reached the front door now. I can hear them circling it. "They're in here!" someone shouts, and then more shouts I can't make out follow. The next thing I know, something is banging on the door.

  They're trying to break in!

  My head spins. My heart just keeps pounding. And I just start shaking my head, because I can't die this way. I can't die yet. I can't die here, like this.

  "They're men working for Marco, the drug dealer who hired me," he says quietly, eyes transfixed on the door. "They're here to kill us."

  The pounding on the door gets louder and louder, and I hear something cracking, the heartbreaking sound of the marble door starting to give way. My heart sinks. I squeeze my eyes shut. This can't be happening. This
can't fucking be happening. I'm going to die and I don't even know why.

  "Tell me why," I say desperately. The sound of rock cracking has gotten louder. "Tell me why they want to kill me."

  "No." His eyes stay fixed on the front of the safe house. He leans against the door of the bathroom, gun raised, ready to fire. He keeps me behind him with his hand, making sure I'm out of range of the gunfire. "I promised not to tell you."

  "Promised who?" I ask, needing some sort of answer, but he doesn't respond.

  The cracking turns to shattering, and more yelling follows, and I know it's only a matter of time now before they break in. My heart races furiously. I need to get out of here. I need out, now. "Stay behind the shower curtain," Sebastian says suddenly. "Stay tucked away. They may not even know you're here. They'll kill me, but they may not stick around to find you."

  My eyes go wide. "No, Sebastian. I'm not leaving you. I'm not ever leaving you."

  The shattering turns desperate, urgent, and I know the door is one hit away from breaking.

  Sebastian whips his head around. "Don't do this, angel," he pleads. "Don't throw your life away for me. Please. We still have time."

  Crack.

  "I'm not being left alone again," I say. "I'm not leaving anyone else behind."

  But before Sebastian has time to argue, the front wall to the safe house has completely shattered, and a giant silver truck comes crashing in through it, right into the safe house. Guns start blazing immediately, and the whole room goes up in an explosion of shouts and shattering rock and gunshots everywhere.