Shards of Us

by Caverly, KR

  Marco's mansion is even bigger than I expected it to be. After about an hour of driving, we reach a woody area of sorts, where a huge dark building stands, hidden beneath hundreds of trees. A ring of barbed wire wraps all the way around it, and several armed guards stand inside, waiting at the gate. Smoke billows from the chimney, and I look around, wide-eyed, as the guards motion us in. Marco holds me closer, his side pressed against mine. "Do you like the house?" he asks.

  "Of course," I breathe in awe, the afternoon sun pouring down on me.

  Marco smiles.

  Once we're inside, he leads me through a huge, cavernous main room, up several staircases, and toward a gigantic room with a king bed and several TV's in it, which he tells me is my bedroom. He leaves me there with some fresh clothes, supplies, and tells me to make myself at home. I spend a few hours sifting through everything--the giant closet, filled with intricate women's clothes. The huge bathroom, with a large bathtub positioned in the corner. The lingering scent of lemon mixed with cigarette smoke which follows me wherever I go.

  The whole place is incredible, and it almost makes me forget about Sebastian. Almost. But the pain is still too much. His betrayal is too much. And I know I have to make him pay.

  I take a long shower after that, letting the scalding water run down my back and wipe away everything, hoping it heals the pain at least a little, but it doesn't. Not really. Nothing seems to heal me anymore.

  And so I end up just standing there, tears rushing down my face as the hot water comes down, thinking about Sebastian and my parents more than I know I should.

  I can't help myself, though. Sebastian became my whole life, my savior, so quickly, it's almost hard to believe. He consumed my life with such speed I barely even realized what was happening. And now, just as quickly, he's gone. Betrayed me. Ruined me even more than before.

  Just like that.

  Once the sun sets and the night sky darkens, a maid knocks on the door and tells me Marco has called me for dinner. I nod and thank her, put on one of the flashier dresses from his closet, and head down the stairs, thinking about Sebastian and what he did with each step. It hurts--it hurts to know how much I love him. It hurts to know that he ruined my life, but I still need him. It hurts to know that I still love him, even though I'm going to kill him.

  Once I reach the bottom floor, the sound of classical music fills the air, trickling in through a half-open door. I walk over to it, knowing it leads toward Marco, and a huge room filled with candles and dim lighting greets me. A long brown table stretches across the expanse of the kitchen, with an assortment of salads and grilled kitchen and fish and steak and wine spread out across it. The whole place is rich with the smell of cooked meat and alcohol, and it looks breathtaking in the dim light. On the other side of the table, at the head, sits Marco, who watches me with those piercing green eyes of his, a smirk flickering across his lips. He pats his lap, and says, "Come, my love," and I do. I walk slowly toward him, letting the cool air slip by me, and when I reach him, I let him wrap his arms around me and gently bring me into his lap. His arms circle my breasts as he draws me into his chest, holding me close. I feel a certain hardness pressing against me from his lap, but I try to ignore it, try to focus on him touching me right now, and not what is to come.

  I try to focus on the complete, blissful numbness the feel of his body gives me, making me forget about everything else.

  "You look beautiful tonight," he says in that same serpent-like voice, which sends a shiver down my spine.

  "Thank you," I say, because I don't know how else to respond. He draws me in closer, gently turning my head so I'm looking out at the expanse of the kitchen table, lined with all of the foods imaginable. "Are you hungry?" he asks, but I can tell he cares more about having me than how I actually feel.

  "No," I say honestly, not daring to meet his gaze. My head is still throbbing from the insanity of today, and all I want to do is curl up and go to sleep, hoping to dream this all away.

  "No?" Marco asks, tracing a finger down my right arm. "Do you not see any food you like? I can always get you more," he says, his voice mixing with the quiet classical music that plays around the room.

  "No, it's not that." I hesitate. "I just don't know what to think about what Sebastian--what he did to me."

  Marco sits up straighter at my mention of Sebastian, but then relaxes almost immediately. "Don't say that name," he whispers into my ear. "That name has only hurt you. He betrayed you, my love. But we'll forget him, don't worry. I'll help you get your revenge, and then I'll help you forget him." His voice is quiet and harsh, and I feel his hand slipping down my side, down to my leg, as he slowly reaches under my dress.

  I lean my neck back, moaning quietly. His touch manages to make my mind feel absolutely blank, and so, as far as I'm concerned, it's all I need. All I'll ever need.

  I realize then that this will be my life. Just letting Marco touch me, because it makes me feel numbness, makes me feel nothing at all. And strangely, I'm okay with that. Because nothingness means I won't get hurt again. Nothingness means my heart won't shatter any more than it already has. Nothingness means no one else can leave my life.

  I feel the desire in Marco's voice as he trails his fingers up my thigh, tracing them slowly along my soft skin. I lean my head back further, closing my eyes, knowing what he's going to do next.

  "Do you like your room?" Marco says into my ear, and I can feel his concentration, the growing hardness in his lap, as he circles his fingers around my inner thigh, right where all the desire is. I tense up, wanting him to just get this over with.

  "Yes," I say, because it is nice, in the end. It's nice, because it's a place to belong, and that's more than I used to have.

  "Will you be okay living there… forever?" he whispers, continuing to dance his fingers right along my soft skin, teasing me. My body tenses up and I close my eyes, leaning my head back onto his shoulder, feeling the blissful emptiness claw through me.

  "Yes," I whisper, biting back a tear. "I'll live with you. Forever."

  He smiles, vicious and thin-lipped, and then he presses me further against him. "I'm glad," he says. Then, he moves his finger up and up, until he goes inside of me.

  Chapter Nineteen

  I don't sleep well that night.

  After dinner, Marco takes me to the shower, presses me against the wall, and kisses me like he always does: hard and filled with desire. My lips buzz with numbness as his touch mine, and I feel that familiar emptiness, where nothing can go wrong, where everything is safe.

  And I like it. I like it because it isn't Sebastian's lips that are on mine.

  When we're done, Marco dresses me and leaves me in my bedroom, saying he'll return to help me plan our revenge against Sebastian in the morning. I nod weakly as he goes, then slip under the covers and lie there, staring up at the ceiling all night long.

  I just keep thinking about Sebastian, as much as I try not to. I just keep imagining his face as I inevitably hold the gun to his head. I just keep thinking about what he'll do, what he'll say, and whether I'll have the strength to do what I have to. I keep thinking about how much he cares about me, about how much loves me, about how he never meant to hurt me… but then I think about that night on the roof two years ago, when I almost lost everything, and the anger rises up again. He ruined my life for almost two years, making me miserable and alone, hopeless and broken. He made me feel awful, and then, he came back into my life and lied to me, pretended to be here to save me. He put back together the heart he broke--my heart--and then he shattered it even more.

  He ruined everything.

  He ruined me.

  And now, I need to ruin him back.

  I need to move on.

  Sebastian and I are done. For good.

  I turn over in bed, thinking about his smile, the feel of his lips on mine, and it's just so different from the way Marco kisses me, so much more real, that I almost wish it didn't have to be this way.

  But it does.


  It has to.

  And so I lie there all night, a single tear slipping down my cheek.

  ***

  In the morning, at eight a.m., I get up and shower. Dark circles are carved beneath my eyes, but my longing for Sebastian has totally evaporated. As the hot water runs down my face and body, one thing is clear: I'm ready to end Sebastian, once and for all.

  I no longer even regret it. Not for a second.

  Marco is waiting for me when I hurry downstairs, fully dressed and ready to go. He smiles at me as soon as he sees me in my dress, beckoning me forward. I walk over to him and let him pull me close and kiss me, let him wipe away the taste of Sebastian forever.

  The sun peeks in through the windows, and my whole body buzzes with energy, knowing it's time to end this for good. "What's the plan?" I ask Marco, but he ignores me. He continues to kiss me, pressing himself against me, and I look away, waiting for it to end.

  "Pretty soon you're going to forget he ever existed," Marco mumbles, moving his lips down the side of my neck.

  The familiar numbness returns, and it feels good to keep from worrying, to know that everything is finally going to be okay again. Marco is going to make things okay; I know that then. His hand runs down my back as he kisses me, harder and harder, until he finally pulls back, smiling that little, sadistic smile of his, and says, "Today we train." His breathing is slow and drawn-out, and it feels weird to see his face this close to me. I hated him when I was with Sebastian, but now, he seems like the most normal guy in the world.

  At least he tells the truth. At least he doesn't hurt me.

  At least he isn't Sebastian.

  "He taught you how to shoot, correct, my love?" Marco says in his usual harsh voice, pulling away from me and brushing his suit off. We stand in the middle of the first floor. It's a huge, domed room, and no one is in here but us. The sounds of men and trucks outside carry in through the window, though, probably something to do with his drug operations.

  "Yes," I say. "But not well."

  Marco nods. His deep green eyes stay trained on mine, so strong it's like they're piercing through me. "Have you ever shot at a target before?"

  I shake my head, and he smiles, showing an array of too-perfect teeth. "Good," he says. "Then we'll start with that. But first, tell me, where is Sebastian staying?"

  I give him the address without hesitation, knowing this is sealing the fate of the man I love despite myself. And I do it anyway. "It's a big house on the hill," I add. "Hidden from view. But once you're up there, you can't miss it."

  Marco's smile grows. "Excellent," he says. "I'll teach you to shoot well today, so you can defend yourself properly. And three days from now, we'll go there, just you and me, and we'll end this. Does that sound okay, my love?" he asks.

  I nod. "Yes," I say, meaning it. A devious smile flickers across my lips. "That sounds perfect."

  ***

  Marco leads me outside after that, stopping in a little shack connected to the mansion to get us each a handgun. He tosses one to me, which I catch without hesitation, smiles, and then brings me over to a small stretch of grass where a few men are aiming at several black-and-white targets, all shaped like a person.

  "Out," Marco barks as soon as we arrive, and his men nod quickly and obey, scurrying away. They know well enough not to mess with him.

  "You're terrifying, Marco," I tease as the men rush away. I step in closer to him, pressing my breasts to his chest.

  He kisses my lips again, smirking. "It's all part of the package, my love."

  I grin as he pulls away to set up the target. I watch him closely, thinking to myself how much I like this. I like not having to worry about Sebastian anymore. I like this freedom.

  The morning sun beats down on us, and Marco strips off his shirt as he walks back over to me, revealing a body full of muscle and sweat and tattoos. He stands beside me and switches off the safety of his gun, then aims it directly at the target, which is some thirty feet away.

  "Watch me," he says in a rough voice. I do, focusing on the intense concentration in his green eyes as he squints at the target, brings his finger to the trigger, and then fires.

  A crack breaks through the morning air, making my ears ring, and as I follow the trajectory of the bullet, I see it spiraling through the air… until it lodges itself right in the target's head.

  A perfect shot.

  "Wow," I breathe.

  "I've had practice." He walks up behind me and pressing his shirtless body to my back. "Now your turn, my love," he says gruffly into my ear. "Cock the gun. Squint. Shoot the target."

  I nod slowly, lifting up my gun. The sun is blinding, but if I squint hard enough, I can focus on the target, on the kill spot. He steadies my arm with his hands, his thick muscle guiding me forward. I take a breath, aim, and then, just like that, I squeeze.

  The bullet rips out of the gun so quickly I feel myself stumble back, but Marco steadies me, keeps me from falling. I watch as the bullet flies through the air, spiraling, until it hits the target's shoulder, just a foot below the head.

  Marco presses his jaw to my cheek. His voice is slippery as he says, "Not bad. But you have to steady it more, my love. Here." He pushes off of me and starts walking over to the target, then turns around. "Let's try this."

  "Try what?" The hot sun keeps pouring down on me, making beads of sweat form on my forehead. I feel tired, so tired, but I just keep thinking about Sebastian and what he did to me, and it makes all of the anger and the pain rise up again. It makes everything fill with energy.

  "You need more stakes," Marco yells back at me. "You need stakes to get your perfect shot. If we're going to do this, which we are, I need to make sure you are ready when it comes down to it."

  I open my mouth to protest, but no sound comes out. "What are you talking about?" I finally manage to say. He stands right next to the target, so that his ear is inches away from the killshot in the center of the target's head. His intense green eyes stay trained on mine, his lip curled into a smirk. There is no mercy in his eyes. Nothing but revenge, hate for Sebastian. And as I grip my gun even tighter just from remembering Sebastian's name, I know I share that hate too.

  "Shoot by me," Marco snarls. "Shoot the target. Right by my ear."

  I hold my breath as soon as the words leave his mouth. My heart starts pounding, and my hand trembles, harder and harder. "What?" I say weakly. I have a horrible shot. I could so easily miss and hit Marco. And I can't possibly lose him too.

  "Shoot it!" Marco repeats, louder and more harshly this time. "I trust you, my love. Shoot it. Aim it right by my ear."

  I shake my head back and forth, keeping the gun trained on the spot by his ear but refusing to fire. "No!" I say hoarsely. "I won't-- what if I--"

  "You won't miss," Marco shouts. "Remember what he did to you. Remember all of the pain he caused you. Remember how he betrayed you! Shoot the target. Pretend you're killing him!" Marco snarls.

  My hands start shaking as I work desperately to keep the gun in place. I can't do this. I can't risk missing. I can't risk losing anyone else. I just can't. "But--" I start to protest, but Marco isn't listening.

  He narrows his eyes, his whole face cold and determined. "SHOOT IT!" he screams, and I don't even know what I'm doing, but suddenly I feel myself squeezing my eyes shut. My heart keeps thudding in my chest as I start pulling the trigger and stumbling back, tears in my eyes. There's an earsplitting crack as the bullet whizzes out of the barrel and right by Marco's ear, hitting the target's head, missing him by less than an inch.

  Marco doesn't move the whole time, and once the bullet collides with the cardboard with a loud crack, I crumple down and start crying, realizing how close I was to losing yet another person in my life. Marco only walks over to me, a giant smile spread across his lips. His face is filled with pride as he sits beside me, kissing at my neck. "I knew you could do it," Marco growls. "I knew you were strong, my love."

  His green eyes seem to bore into mine as I tu
rn around, still shaking, but the fear has now been replaced with rage.

  Rage at Sebastian.

  Rage at him for betraying at me.

  Rage at him for fixing my life, only to ruin it even more than it already was.

  I look up to meet Marco's gaze, biting down hard on my lips, and I say, "I just have one request" in the most determined voice I can muster.

  "Yes?" Marco is still grinning at me, kissing my neck through his smile.

  I take a deep breath and lock eyes with him, my eyebrows narrowing, my whole face darkening. I know I have to do this. I know I need my revenge. So I hiss:

  "I want to be the one to put the bullet in his head."

  Chapter Twenty

  The next few days go by slowly. Marco keeps training me, working on my shot, and soon I'm able to hit the target square in the head with my eyes closed. He spends his nights kissing me, telling me I'm his, wiping away what's left of Sebastian, and I let him do it all. I love him in a different way than I loved Sebastian. I love him for getting rid of someone else, not for who he is.

  But still. It's better than nothing, I tell myself. It's better than Sebastian. Plus Marco feels good inside of me, and I like my room, and I like the food he serves me, like the way he tells me he loves me, and I like the safety living with him provides. I like not having to worry about losing anyone else. I like the security of it all, of being with him.

  But no matter what I do, Sebastian never seems to leave my mind. I hate him more and more with each passing day, and sometimes I just clench my fists and imagine he's there, so I can punch him. All I want is for it to be the day that Marco and I go to his house and I get to pull that trigger, once and for all.

  I know what I have to do this.

  I know I have to end this.

  Finally, after what feels like forever, it's time.

  The morning of the day Marco takes me to kill Sebastian, I wake up with a start. As soon as I check my alarm, I race into the shower and get dressed, then hurry down the stairs to the door. Marco is waiting for me there, dressed up in one of those overly expensive drug dealer suits, a cigarette dangling from his lips.